Marriage is a BUSINESS, So Invest Wisely

Now that I’m in my 20s, a lot of my friends within my age range (I’ll say 22 to 28) are starting to get into serious relationships, as well as getting engaged with whom they consider to be their “significant other.”

As we’ve all heard, the divorce rate in this country has been getting higher and higher with each passing year, and it’s not hard to see why. People are very, very good at making bad decisions when it comes to the marriage game. There are numerous reasons why these marriages do not work out: lies, infidelity, a growing feeling of disconnect with the other person, not having their needs met… the list goes on and on.

However, I feel the main reason a marriage is likely to fail is that people go into a marriage with unrealistic ideals of how the other person should be. They believe that the person they are about to marry is their fairytale prince or princess who will magically become a different person, one that will suddenly cater to everything they REALLY want in a mate even if it’s not all the way there yet.

The problem is, people seem to turn a blind eye to the fact that the person you are marrying could very well end up staying close to the same person they are now, for the next 20 to 30 years. Sure, they may go through slight evolutions here and there as a result of brand new stimuli, but most people become rigid in the persons they have become by the time people are in their mid-twenties (in terms of the things they believe and how they react to life situations).

The solution to this problem is one that a lot of people do not do: treat the prospect of marrying someone as though you are about to invest in a business venture.

The reason most people don’t do this differs based on gender. Guys don’t want to test their own egos by thinking that they may have made a bad decision about a girl he’s set to marry, while women don’t want to hinder the “romantic nature” of marriage by diminishing the union to a “joint venture”-type situation.

Sadly, most marriages end up failing for just those reasons: the guy made a bad decision while the woman ends up feeling the romance was somehow lost along the way.

As unromantic as it sounds, though, marriage is the ultimate business deal: it’s two people deciding they want to do a life project together that may or may not include additions to the buisness (kids), location moves, outside investors (family members), financial decisions and other constant life-changing events.

And, like any good business, the foundation at which it is built early-on can help determine what chances it has later down the line of being successful or failing.

If you were to ask a person right now what they think about the person they are currently seeing or are about to marry, most people would shrug and say “well, so-and-so’s a great person – sure, they have a few flaws here and there, but that can all be fixed later…”

STOP. You idiot.

Notice how the problems have started before the ring is even on the finger? This is the moment where people’s marriages fail – not 16 or 17 years after the marriage starts, but right here, when one person is thinking they can change the other’s behavior. This is only going to cause arguments later down the line.

Here’s what I’m trying to get at: before two people get married, they need to take some time to sit down and talk about/ come to an agreement on certain issues that can affect their marriage. Here’s a list of some of the important ones:

1. KIDS.

This is a major issue. A good majority of marriages fail because of disagreements over children – specifically; whether or not to have them, how many to have, and where they will be raised.

If person A goes into a marriage thinking they only want 2 kids while person B wants 8 kids… and NO ONE talks about it beforehand… there is going to be major fighting after kid number 2 arrives and person B is nagging about having 6 more. If person A wants to raise them down south while person B wants to move them out to Alaska, there’s going to be a problem. These things need to be discussed before you even get involved with a person!

I let every girl I’m even thinking about dating know upfront that I don’t want kids. It’s better to let them know in the beginning, instead of a year-and-a-half into the relationship when you’ve both got feelings for each other. Just because you’re now both in love doesn’t mean you’re going to be able to convince the other person to follow your ideals about kids, people!

2. COMPROMISABLE ISSUES.

Prior to getting married, people need to be able to compromise on certain issues. There’s no question that both parties have habits or traits that get on each other’s nerves, but that’s no reason to not love a person. However, it is important to be able to compromise on certain things so as not to completely drive the other person crazy!

For example: my dad was a smoker, and my mom wasn’t. Throughout the years she did try to stop him from smoking, but for the most part it was agreed that he could smoke, so long as he (a) did it outside, and (b) away from her and the kids. Even though the habit was annoying to my mom, she knew it was a part of my dad’s life and didn’t love him any less just because she didn’t like doing it.

Because marriage is a partnership, it’s important for both parties to realize the other person – as well as themselves – isn’t perfect, and that they can agree to not make a fuss over trivial stuff. If I like a blue floor pattern and my wife prefers green, at the end of the day it’s not a big issue and can be compromised over.

Couples who like to fight over everything do so simply because they never talked about what compromises both people would take in the marriage; as a result, both people end up feeling like they’re “giving so much, but receiving so little.”

3. UNCOMPROMISABLE ISSUES.

As important as agreeing on compromises is, it’s also important for both people to understand that their spouse has things they will just not sacrafice for the marriage.

For example, my dad was a huge basketball fan, and liked to watch every game of the season. My mom knew whenever a game was on, my dad was not to be bothered. Did she hold it against him? Of course not! Why? She knew before she married him that he was a basketball nut, and knew that, as much as he loved her, he wasn’t going to give up sports for her.

Similarly, my mom loves watching sappy romantic movies on TV. My dad knew that whenever one of those movies came on, my mom was not to be bothered. Why? BECAUSE THEY TALKED ABOUT THIS STUFF BEFORE THEY GOT MARRIED!

Understand: the habits or likes a person has, has nothing to do with how much they love you. Just because your soon-to-be spouse isn’t willing to go camping with you, or go to a ballet show with you, doesn’t mean they don’t love you. And just because a person has a few things they aren’t willing to compromise doesn’t mean you should get all mad at them for not changing for you.

Some things need to be agreed upon that a particular aspect of your mate’s character aren’t going to change, and it’s okay (especially if they’ve already agreed to compromise on a few things).

4. FINANCIAL ISSUES.

Most people in this country are taught that “money” is a bad word. It’s also a word that breaks up families for not being talked about. In any partnership – especially a marriage – it’s important to know who is going to be the overseer of finances: who’s going to check the books, keep a log of bills, manage the bank accounts, etc.

If the “who’s going to handle” the money issue isn’t talked about prior to marriage, there will be major fights down the line when money issues arise, including but not limited to: the amount of money desired for a house/apartment; how much to spend on the kids’ schooling; type of car that’s affordable; vacation moneys;… the list goes on and on and on.

The point is, if someone’s not held accountable for the money-making decisions, I guarantee you, your divorce lawyers will be more than happy to help you figure it out later!

5. KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT/DON’T WANT IN A MATE.

I add this one in because, as has been my observation, all people are guilty at one point or another of getting involved with someone who wasn’t our perfect match. This happens for various reasons – the sex was good, neither person wanted to be alone, etc. – but its important to know what you will and will not accept from a person that you are considering dating, let alone marrying.

For example: I don’t want kids; therefore, I only date girls who also don’t want kids. I also don’t date smokers or heavy drinkers. These are just a few examples of things that I don’t want in a mate. If I go to a party and see a really cute-looking girl, and as I’m walking up to her I see that she’s pulling out a cigarette, I turn the other way – it’s not what I’m looking for.

Is it superficial? I don’t think so – but if it is, at the end of the day at least I know that I’m NOT dating someone I’d be unhappy with.

Before you start kissing up on some person and thinking they could be “the one,” you really need to examine (a) what type of relationship you’re looking for, and (b) if this person is the right fit. I’m not saying the person has to have 100% everything you’re looking for; however, if you’re trying to date someone who does not get high, and they’re out doing drugs every night, you might want to look elsewhere.

6. RELIGION.

Another item that gets overlooked. “Oh, I don’t care if I’m Christian and they’re Jewish, we’ll make it work!” You may think that now, but how deep both of you feel about your particular religion will determine how much strain it causes on your marriage down the road.

This is especially true when you start trying to sway your kids into believing a particular religion – you can’t send your kids to the church AND the Jewish temple, people! Religions have different practices, rituals, holidays, foods, etc., and trying to make both work – while possible – is rarely attainable in a marriage, and can help break it up fast!

7. SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.

Not what it sounds like, people – this refers to knowing a person’s sexual history prior to commiting to them.

“But Aaron, how is my partner’s sexual past going to affect whether or not I should marry them?” Simple: knowing a person’s sexual past can help you determine two things: (a) what the chances of them cheating on you will be, and (b) what the chances of them passing an STD onto you will be.

In reference to the cheating thing, the more people a person has had sex with prior to agreeing to commit to you, the more likely they are to cheat on you in your marriage. It’s a self-control issue: if your potential spouse and jumped in and out of the sack with hundreds of women, don’t be surprised if they end up getting the sudden urge to want to dump you off for someone else.

As a general note, I am not saying that ALL people who have slept with tons of people beforehand won’t be faithful; I am, however, saying there’s a better chance of them doing so verses someone who’s a lil’ more conservative in reference to the number of people they’ve slept with.

In reference to the STD thing: even Magic Johnson’s wife had to seriously consider whether or not to stay with her newlyfound AIDS man, but at least she knew about it. You and your partner need to have a serious discussion about any past STD scares and/or outbreaks. No one wants to be married for 5 years and then wonder why they suddenly have a genital herpes rash forming near their equator!

8. SEX AFTER MARRIAGE.

A lot of marriages break up as a result of mixed or non-existent sexual communication.

Each person is different, and has different desires in how they want their sex to go. Some people want to have sex everyday, while others are content doing it once every two to three weeks. Some people are willing to try just about EVERYTHING at least once in bed, while others have certain limits and restrictions they are not willing to compromise.

It’s important for both people to know what their range and limits to sex are, and to discuss that with their fiance prior to walking down the aisle. Both people need to know what will be acceptable in bed, what the other person will or won’t do, and what each other’s fantasies and desires are.

It may seem like talking about this stuff will take the joy out of sex; however, nothing is more damaging to a couple’s sex life than getting married and then suddenly finding out that your spouse doesn’t like to do half the stuff you want them to do!

9. EXIT STRATEGY (i.e. IN CASE THIS DON’T WORK OUT…)

This one is a bit controversial. Everybody thinks it’s a “jinx” move to try and figure out how things will be divided in case the marriage doesn’t work out. We all like to think that our marriage will be the one that makes it, and don’t want to plan for something we think will not happen.

However, let’s be real: with the marriage rate in this country being what it is, it doesn’t hurt to be at least a lil’ prepared. After all, people can and do get divorced over just about anything these days, and the reality of the situation is that it can come from out of nowhere.

For example: a woman may end up giving birth, go into post-pregnancy depression and decide she wants to divorce her husband; a man can end up losing his job, and his self-esteem gets so low that he decides to distance himself from everyone, including his wife.

Without certain things set into place – how the kids will be divided, what assests will go to whom, what the money split will be, etc. – divorce court will most certainly be Hell. Does this mean you should get a full-out pre-nup? Ultimately, the decision is up to you; however, all good businesses have a “if this business fails” clause in it just in case. It’s the reason Donald Trump can have a failed project and still manage to come away with most of his fortune intact!

10. LASTLY – AND MOST IMPORTANTLY – DO NOT IGNORE THE WARNING SIGNS. EVER.
In almost every divorce, someone inevitably says: “I thought so-and-so would be the perfect spouse, so I never saw this coming…”

And to that I say: you moron. Of course you saw it coming – we ALL saw it coming. The problem is, you chose to ignore the warning signs in the beginning.

Think about all the divorces you may have heard about or witnessed in your life:

— The wife who leaves her husband because he drinks too much – wasn’t he drinking BEFORE you married him?

— The man who leaves his wife because she’s not giving him as much sex as he wants – wasn’t she using sex only when she wanted something BEFORE you both said “I Do?”

— The spouse who leaves because the other one was physically or verbally abusive – wasn’t that same person “jokingly” calling you names or giving you “love taps” on your forehead BEFORE you made the choice to be life partners with them?

The truth of the matter is, there are usually signs of behavior a person will display, and choosing to ignore them because you’re “in love” and “know that person will change for you eventually” will have you landing in divorce court faster than you can imagine.

If you’re having a hard time seeing the signs, ask outsiders – friends, relatives, church people, etc. – what they think about your choice for a mate. It doesn’t hurt to get an outsider’s opinion on the situation; a lot of times we can end up so deep in something that we become blind to what’s actually going on, and it doesn’t hurt to get a lil’ feedback from people close to us.

So there you go! To all my friends about to get married, or for those of you in a serious relationship that may be leading towards the alter, make sure all your ducks are in a row before you make one of the most important decisions of your life. For better or worse, once you commit to that person your souls will be intertwined for life – whether you decide to stay with them or not – so make sure you talk about the issues above to better insure your chances of a long-lasting union!

-Aaron P. Taylor