The Psychology of Women: Why They Hate on Each Other

If I were to go back to school, I’d change my degree and major in psychology.

There are so many things about the way people work that fascinates me: the way they think, how they act towards one another, how they can read and interpret – and sometimes misinterpret – each other with something as simple as an eye twitch or a smile.

Okay, enough with the opening paragraph mumbo-jumbo – let’s get to the meat of this thing….

One of my female friends told me about a recent comment she heard about herself at an after-hours spot. She was walking to the bar to get a drink, and she heard another female say, “Hmph – she must thinik she’s ALL that.”

Now, my friend-in-question is rather attractive, and I’m pretty sure she could get any guy of the week she wanted (if she wasn’t constantly turning them down). This girl who threw that comment towards my friend had never met her before, and had no idea what my friend was thinking at the time. Yet the comment was said, and – to the untrained ear – it would seem like it was said for no apparent reason.

However, I notice this trend among the female population: the more pretty, successful, or “lucky” one female is, the more other females tend to hate on this person. For example:

**If a woman gets a raise, other women will try to demean how she got it – “She probably just sucked off half the guys in accounting!”

**If a woman hangs out with other friends who are single, and she suddenly gets a boyfried, the remaining women will make her seem like a traitor of sorts – “Oh, first she gets a man, and now she ain’t got no time for us!!”

**If a woman previously known as “ugly’” “not pretty to look at,” or “paper-bag necessary” goes to work one day looking stunning after having a makeover, other women in the offce who, while gorgeous, haven’t been privvy to their own makeovers, will say things like: “She must think she’s all THAT now! Let’s not eat lunch with her today!!”

So, why does there seem to be this unnecessary amount of hate being spewed by women, onto other women?

As a gender, women feel the need to be equal in status to other women. Whereas men’s bonding M.O. is topping one another (i.e. “I just got a new car!” “Well, I just got a new model car that’s not due out for two years!” “Well, I just bought a Spaceship, losers!!”), women do the opposite: they bond closest with women who have similar things in common with them.

This is not a very hard thing to find examples of. Women who have kids bond better with other women who have kids vs. those women who are without children; single women get along great with other single women because they all have something in common – their (alleged) hate for men – whereas married women get along with other married women because they can talk together about their husbands and other adventures in married life.

In each of the above examples, all the women involved are on equal playing fields with their friends. None of them really stand out too muh from the others and, because there is no showing off, they are able to be comfortable with each other since no one woman is a “threat” to how the other women in the group feel about themselves.

The problem, however, arises when one of the women in these groups suddenly gets something the others don’t get. One of them gets pregnant; proposed to; wins the lottery; or a plethora of other things. And what happens? The woman goes to her friends to tell them the good news, and the friends initially seem happy for her.

Read: they SEEM happy. Inside their mind, though, the thoughts are already beginning…

Take, for instance, the proposal example: A woman gets proposed to and runs to her single girlfriends with the news – “I’m getting married!” Immediately, just about every woman is thinking the same thing:

“How come SHE got proposed to, but I haven’t? I don’t even HAVE a man, and here she is rubbing it in myt face that SHE’s getting married!! Now I’LL continue to be alone while she’s cuddled up in the arms of some guy!”

Another great example: An overweight woman – who, more times than not, has overweight friends (since, again, it’s a commonality issue) – decides to buckle down and lose 45 lbs. She gets invited out to dinner with her still-overweight friends, and when they see her and her slimmed-down figure – BOOM! Let the comments begin:

“Oh, so you tryin’ to be skinny now??”

“What was wrong with the way you USED to be??”

“I guess this means we ain’t goin’ half on this KFC bucket now – ain’t that right, Ms. String Bean???”

The funny part is, the women who say these comments would really like to be in the same place as their friend with the so-called “good fortune.” But subconciously, there is a feeling of “if this person is doing better than me, than no one will notice me when I do things.”

Therefore, women often feel a need to try to bring back down the friend-in-question so that they (a) feel validated that they, too, are still important, and (b) can be assured that their friend won’t get too far out of line by bragging about how well they are doing.

The ironic part is, it usually works. Even if a woman’s friends sound like they’re joking when they say comments like “don’t you get all big-headed on us now,” she understands that they are only saying that because they want to hold on to the relationship, and really do NOT want her to suddenly change from the person they’ve had “sameness” with this whole time.

This is why you will usually not hear a group of women talking about extraordinary things going on in their lives. Instead, they usually stick to topics that will allow them to appear similar to each other – family, friends, and problems.

So there you go! For all the guys out there: the next time you see or hear a group of women hating on another woman, now you’ll understand why.

And for all the girls out there: next time you feel yourself about to become jealous or spiteful towards another female… STOP. Thhink back to what you’ve just read, and adjust your attitude.

Just because another woman happened upon good fortune doesn’t suddenly mean she thinks she’s better than you – if anything, she’s probably thinking about how she’s going enjoy her good fortune, while at the same time letting all those other women out there know she is still just like them. Odd, ain’t it?

-A.P.T.