Fine-Dining Restaurant Ettiquette for Black People

I hate dealing with Black people.

Perhaps the statement I just made sounds like self-racism, but you’d be wrong.  I’m black, I grew up in a loving Black family, went to a historically Black college, and - up to this point - have only been with Black women.  I love the Black community, I love my Black heritage, and I love nothing more than seeing our people succeed.

BUT…

There is ONE place where I absolutely, 100% hate, hate, HATE dealing with people of my own race: fine-dining restaurants.

Currently, I have a part-time job at an upscale restaurant, where about 75% of the clientele is in the upper-middle class tax bracket.  The majority of those people know how to conduct themselves while in the restaurant. 

Unfortunately, most of those people are NOT Black.

In fact, in the restaurant industry as a whole, most servers are quick to automatically frown or get upset whenever they are sat with a family that’s Black, Jewish, or foreign.  Why?  Because we already know they are going to be difficult in some way, and leave a bad tip.

Some people may consider that stereotyping in advance.  I say, try working at a restaurant for even 6 months, and you’ll find out just how true most stereotypes involving Black people’s conduct in these places really is!

To be fair, it’s not completely our fault.  For 3/4 of the last century, Black people could hardly get a job in an upscale restaurant, let alone eat in them.  The current generation of Black people couldn’t be taught proper restaurant ettiquette because the previous generation wasn’t able to learn it.  Now that they have access to these upper-dining facilities, they go in using the same style of manner they used at home - and, apparently, no one in these homes knew of proper ettiquette either.

But fear not, Black people!  I am here to help you all by giving you a list of things you can fix so that when you go into a restaurant, servers will start to be happy when they see you, instead of trying to auction off who gets your table (and BELIEVE me, they talk about ALL customers behind their backs, and if you’re known for being difficult, NOBODY wants to serve you).

#1: NO TALKING ON THE PHONE

I always found talking on the phone in a restaurant to be rude, especially when you’re on a date or have company with you.  However, it’s even MORE rude when your server is trying to take your order, but isn’t able to because you’re talking to someone else.  This may not seem like a big deal, Black people, but when your server has 4 or 5 other tables, they’re trying to keep it moving so they can get to all of them; you stalling them up by talking on the phone isn’t helping!

#2: ASK, DON’T DEMAND, FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

Proper dining ettiquette includes asking your server for something, not demanding they get it or stating your request in a way that sounds ignorant.   For example: let’s say you want to drink a sweet tea. The proper way to request for it would be, “May I get a sweet tea to drink, please?” 

However, the way most Black patrons ask for their drinks - if you can even call it “asking” - is, “Yo, let me get a sweet tea.”  Um, how about PLEASE and THANK YOU, you moron!  Yes, servers know they have to get whatever it is you want, regardless of how you ask for it, but they are people too, and would at least like being recognized as such with some manners!

#3: DON’T ARGUE ABOUT THE PRICE OF THE FOOD.

You knew the restaurant you were going to wasn’t McDonalds.  Furthermore, you had a chance to look at the menu before you even sat down at your table so you could see what the prices were.

Therefore, don’t ask the server why a steak dinner is going to cost you $30! A fine-dining restaurant isn’t a place for negotiation.  It’s a BUSINESS, and, like any other business, it has established its prices based on tons of research.  Yet, for some reason, Black people just HAVE to try and figure out a way to pay less than what others are paying.  If you don’t like the prices, either stay at home or go some place more affordable for your budget.  And hey, the server didn’t set the prices, so STOP asking them if they can change it!

#4: DON’T ORDER THINGS NOT ON THE MENU.

If you go to a restaurant where everything is grilled or baked, don’t go in there asking if they can fry you some chicken.  If you go to a vegetarian establishment, don’t get all mad when you can’t order any lamb.  They say “the customer is always right,” but the restaurant isn’t going to put itself on hold to try and get you an item they don’t even serve to justify your request.

#5: IF YOU’RE WITH A LARGE GROUP, ARRIVE AT THE SAME.

Nothing pisses your server off more than finding out she’s going to have a party of 14 people… and only 6 have arrived.

That means she has to keep going back and forth to the table to check and see when the entire group has arrived.  It also means she has to stay at the restaurant longer, depending on how long it takes for the rest of the group to get there. 

Black people are notorious for doing this.  Yes, we all think it’s funny that CP time is rampant throughout our community, but servers hate that crap.  Get there at the same time, ON TIME. You’ll get better service that way, instead of a server who’s mad you kept her there longer than scheduled.

#6: NO. SEPERATE. CHECKS. (Especially in large groups.)

Whenever I see a large party of white people, the final check is usually paid by ONE person about 80% of the time.  If they do get the check seperated, it’s usually split between two or three people.

Whenever I see a large party of BLACK people?!?  Almost EVERYBODY wants a seperate check, about 95% of the time. 

That crap is just plain annoying. In many fine-dining establishments, any parties of 6 or more are automatically grated 18%, but the receipt has to be signed off by a manager.  If a party decides to get seperate checks, EACH RECEIPT STILL HAS TO GET SIGNED.  This slows down the amount of time it takes for the server to get the final bills back to the table, especially when 18 seperate checks have to be accounted for.

If you and your friends know in advance that you’re going to go out to eat, do your server a favor: give ONE person all the cash BEFORE you enter the restaurant, and make life easier on them!

#7: YOUR 10% GRATUITY SUCKS.

If you’re like most Black people, you grew up going to a Christian church where you had to tithe weekly. And what is the mantra most Black people learned?  “Give 10% of your earnings to God.” 

This is a great lesson to learn when it comes to giving… at Church.  At restaurants?  It just makes you look cheap, and makes no one want to serve you in the future.

Part of the problem is that people have this assumption that all the money they tip gets kept by the server.  WRONG!  At the end of the night, a server has to give a portion of their tip money (anywhere between 1.5% - 5% of their net sales) to the bussers, food runners, and bar tender. 

So, let’s say you have a $50 meal, and only tip $5.  At the place I work, tip-out is 4.5% of the net sales - or, in this case, 4.5% of $50, which is $2.25.  Therefore, out of that $5 tip you gave, I only get to keep $2.75. 

This is why your server hates you, along with all other Black people.  Most people outside our race (mostly White people) know about this tipping rule, which is why they usually tip 18%-20%.  In the same scenario, a 20% tip - i.e. $10 - would still be tipped out at the same 4.5% ($2.25), yet I’d walk with $7.75 instead of $2.75 because the tipping percentage was higher.

Bottom line: if you can’t tip higher than 10%, go eat fast-food or STAY AT HOME.

#8: STOP BEING SO DAMN LOUD.

Black people who aren’t used to eating at an upscale place are usually the loudest people when they finally DO decide to eat at one.  They are so used to eating at places where background music and/or TVs make it necessary for them to be loud that they end up using the same volume in fine-dining establishments.

NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR CONVERSATION!!  I don’t care how funny a joke is, the people at the next table don’t want to hear you laughing, or slapping your knee, or see you almost fall out your chair.  And the people you’re talking to are all at the same table - yelling shouldn’t be necessary!!

#9: DON’T SEND BACK AN ORDER UNLESS SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG.

I was at work one day, and one of the other servers was mad because a Black lady at his table sent back a salad.  Why? Because she didn’t like the look of the bowl the salad came in.  It’s not that the bowl itself was dirty - she just didn’t like how the bowl was shaped.

STOP DOING THIS, BLACK PEOPLE!  Again, your server has other table to attend to.  If you’re sending back food simply because you don’t like how a dish looks, or you changed your mind about what you wanted just as it was being brought to you, you’re wasting your server’s time, and messing with their money.

#10: DON’T STAY/COME INTO THE RESTAURANT PAST CLOSING TIME.

The restaurant is not a night club.  If the place closes at 10 PM, try to finish your meal and get out by 9:55 PM. 

Yes, we know the restaurant still has to serve you if you’re in before the actual closing time.  But really, get the f–k out - by the end of the night most servers are tired of dealing with people and either want to go to a bar and drink or go home.  And you’re holding them up.

And if you haven’t made it to the restaurant up to one half-hour before the place is set to close, don’t even THINK about going to it.  Again, if the place closes at 10 PM, don’t drive up at 9:55 PM wanting to eat.  Yes, you can still technically go in to eat, but rest assured, your server will hate you for it and give you less-than-stellar service.

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Lastly - and this has been a HUGE pet peeve of mine for the longest - STOP ORDERING YOUR STEAKS WELL-DONE.

Most black people - myself included - grew up believing that you had to get a steak cooked well-done to kill off any hazardous germs still lurking inside the dead animal we want to eat.  In actuality, the majority of those germs are actually on the OUTSIDE part of the meat.  Those germs get grilled/seared off when the steak is first pressed.  Furthermore, all the blood inside the meat is boiled up to the point where any of those germs get killed off.

In short: A STEAK WITH A LITTLE BIT OF RED OR PINK WON’T KILL YOU.  Try ordering it in the medium-rare - to - medium-well range - it keeps the flavor of the steak from being burnt away.  And, if you DO order it well-done, don’t send it back because it (a) still has a smaaaaall amount of pink, or (b) tastes burnt - you ordered it well-done, what did you THINK was going to happen?!?

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So, Black people, if you decide to eat out at a fine-dining restaurant, please remember the tips above, and remember to tip above 10%.!

-Aaron P. Taylor