The Top 5 Reasons Why I’m NEVER Having Kids

It’s the same conversation I’ve had hundreds of times now.  I always anticipate when it will pop up, and I always know what the outcome will be: odd stares, a look of confusion on the other person’s face, and an insistence that my mind will change.

It happened again this past weekend: I was out with friends, and one of them, a teacher, mentioned how much they liked working with kids.  He mentioned how great kids were to have around, and that he looked forward to having his own someday.

And my response?  That I, too, enjoyed working with kids – as long as they weren’t my own – and that even though I liked spending limited time with them, I definitely knew I did NOT want to have my own, and never planned on having any.

You could have heard a pin drop onto the carpet floor of the car.

At this point, the words I hear are always similar:

• “How could you not want kids? They’re so great!”
• “Don’t you want to have someone around to carry on your legacy?”
• “You’ll change your mind – people that say they don’t want kids always change their mind…”
• “Well, I guess if you want to be selfish, that’s your decision.”

Ah yes, the old “I don’t want kids, therefore I’m being selfish” ploy – as if having a kid just so you can say “look at what I can create and mold into a mini-me” isn’t just as selfish.  But more on that later…

People always seemed genuinely shocked whenever I mention that I don’t want kids.  It’s as if they feel like every single person on the entire planet should have an overwhelming desire to reproduce offspring.  Yet, the way I look at it, that can’t be possible – heck, our planet already has 6 BILLION people on it – if every one of those people decided to mate, our economy would be in even WORSE shape than it is now!!

At the same time, though, I have the opposite thought most of these people have.  Whereas they ponder how I could NOT want to have kids, I’m always racking my brain trying to figure out why people would want them in the first place.  Owning a baby, kid, or teenager isn’t always a positive exerience.  They cry, whine, fight, argue, make dumb decisions, are selfish at times… the list goes on and on.

Yet and still, people continue to ask me for reasons why I don’t want kids.  So, to help myself out – as well as anyone else who made the decision not to have kids, yet still have friends and associates questioning them – I created a website!

I present to you: www.WhyImNeverHavingKids.com!

Yes, that is a REAL website I created.  As of this typing, it has over 70 reasons why I, Aaron P. Taylor, do NOT want to have kids.

The purpose of the site is simple: to highlight detailed reasons why people who don’t want kids have made that decision.  Now, when people say, “Hey, wait a minute – why don’t you want to have kids,” I don’t have to give out a litany of reasons right there – I can just say, “check out my website!”

I’m sure you’re curious as to what type of things I would put on my site.  As an intro, here are 5 of my top reasons I don’t want kids, as posted on the site, and in no particular order…

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REASON #1: THEY CREATE TOO MUCH DAMN DRAMA

I live a relatively drama-free life.  I don’t smoke, I don’t drink excessively, I don’t do drugs, and I don’t partake in activities that would have my mind altered to the point where I’d make too many stupid decisions.

I also don’t allow people into my close-knit circle that do these types of things, or have an excessive amount of drama going on.  Oh sure, it’s THEIR drama, but those types of things always end up spilling over to a person’s friends even when they’re not trying to invite it into their own lives personally.

They say a little rain must fall into everyone’s life, and mine has been no different – but I’d like to think that I’ve done a pretty good job of trying to keep the amount of rain to a minimum.

Is should, therefore, be no surprise why a person such as myself who does not want to purposefully add drama to their lives would be against having any children.  Why? ‘Cause when it comes to stirring up troublesome situations, kids are the KINGPINS of drama!

Who else but children can make what would be an otherwise peaceful restaurant outing and turn it into a brawl-fest with the help of their siblings?  Who else but kids can throw a tantrum and ruin a perfectly good day simply because you ask them not to touch something that belongs to YOU?

Who else but a kid can do something stupid enough to nearly get themselves killed, yet try to come up with a logical explanation for doing it – and then get mad at YOU for being mad at them?!?

Ah, kids… they are such drama-creators!  When I think about kids, I immediately think about:

• The number of fights I’ll have to break up between them (”them” being if they have siblings)
• The amount of crying I’ll have to hear
• The number of parent/teacher conferences I’ll have to attend for them messing up in school
• The amount of safe boxes I’ll have to buy if I want to prevent my kids from breaking things
• The number of stupid arguments I’ll have to get into
• The number of events that will be ruined or brought to a heightened amount of drama simply because my kid wants to throw a tantrum of some kind
• Having to deal with other parents as a result of my kids’ friends, and the drama THEY bring

And so on and so on!

In short, kids bring with them love, joy, and plenty of affection… and they also bring fights, arguments, stupidity, and drama, Drama, DRAMA!! 

I was a theatre major in college – if I want drama, I’ll head back to the stage.  I will NOT, however, have kids for it!

REASON #2: BEING A KID REFEREE DOES NOT APPEAL TO ME

There was a 6-month period of my life where I lived with my Uncle and his two kids, aged 11 and 15.  Being that I was 23 at the time, I got to be like the “co-parent” of the house, watching after my younger cousins when my Uncle had to go out the house.  And, since he had a sales job, he was out of the house a LOT.

This gave me lots of time to see my cousins interact with each other, and… well, let’s just say, many of those interactions were NOT pretty.  Their age difference resulted in a lot of situations where the younger brother wanted to either hang out with or annoy the older sister, while the older sister wanted to be left alone and/or show her authority over the younger brother.

Consequently, they fought.  A LOT.  And me, being the older, more “mature” person in the house, was expected to break up these little incidents should they be on the verge of killing each other. 6 months of having to do this day in and day out was tiring, stressful, and NOT fun.

So, I can sit here today and type with complete absolution: being a kid referee does NOT appeal to me!

Having more than one kid means having to spend at least 18 years of your life breaking up kid fights, most of it over dumb stuff.  What kind of dumb stuff am I talking about?  Once again, here’s just a partial list, which includes:

• Car seating (i.e. who sits in the front vs. the back)
• Table seating
• Living room seating
• TV channels
• Remote control handling
• Who gets to sit in Mom’s/Dad’s lap
• One sibling staring at the other one for too long
• One sibling ignoring the other one for too long
• Toys
• Video games
• What board game to play

Oh my gosh, I have to stop typing this list now.  There are so many stupid things I could type that kids start fights over, I’ll end up with carpel tunnel!  I’ve seen kids start fights over NOTHING, people – they don’t even NEED a reason to fight, other than “I just feel like it!”

When kids fight, the ideal end result for them is never resolution – no, the end result they hope for is, “I get my way, and this person accepts it or dies!”  And since both sides want to have their way, their fights could, in theory, go on and on indefinitely, were it not for somebody breaking up their fight.

Enter: the parent.

Adults love watching a good fight, yet they know that, as responsible parents, they have to do what is right in the interest of their kids health – in this case, making sure neither of them kills the other one (though I say, if they do kill each other, is there anything REALLY wrong with that??).  They have to somehow wiggle themselves in between their children, who, by now, may have each other in headlocks, and force them apart.

You would think it would be easy for an adult over 5 feet to stop some 3-foot lil’ rugrats from fighting.  FAR FROM IT.  Kids don’t fight fair – they scratch, they bite, they squirm around, the swing their limbs wildly, all in the hopes of being able to break loose from their parents and continue their fight against their sibling.

And I, for one, am not the type of guy that even likes getting into fights, much less being bruised up while trying to stop one.  If kids were able to better rationalize and negotiate for what they want rather than fighting for it, I could see how having one might not be so bothersome. 

But, as with everything else, kids have to be taught how to talk out their problems, and the time (i.e. YEARS) I spend teaching them to do that, I could just as easily be spending time with my girlfriend/wife doing something more enjoyable, without having to worry about whether or not the two lil’ morons I created will break out into a fight over who gets to turn the AC on in my car!!

REASON #3: THEY DON’T “BRING ME JOY”

I want to shoot down this whole idea that kids bring feelings of “joy” and love to all people.  As much as a person who WANTS kids may feel these emotions, people who don’t want kids could give a flying rat’s behind about having them around, lest they bring about emotions of MISERY, PAIN, and RESENTMENT.

There was a show on FOX last year called “Standoff,” about two crisis negotiators who tried to talk hostages into letting their captives go.  There was one particular episode where this elder teenager held up a bank and wouldn’t come out.  In talking to the young man, the negotiators discovered he never had the close connection with his Mom that he wanted as a child.  He couldn’t understand why, despite everything he did – getting straight A’s, joining and excelling at various clubs and activities, his Mom never seemed to care.

The negotiators track the parents down, and the mother writes something on a piece of paper for her to read to her son.  “I think it’s time he hears this,” she told them.  And what was it she wrote on that piece of paper?

“I’m sorry, son – I never wanted children.” 

Upon hearing this, the kid breaks down, and comes out the bank.  The end.

Now, why did I bring up this particular episode?  Because: JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS A KID, DOESN’T MEAN IT’S GOING TO BRING THEM JOY IF THEY DIDN’T WANT KIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

I could have a kid, and he or she be the absolute most perfect child, and there’s STILL a chance I’d be friggin’ upset for having it in the first place! 

Besides, parents-to-be get too hyped up on that “I’ll have something around that’s going to love ME and bring joy into my life!!”  But uh, golly gee… shouldn’t you strive to have that BEFORE having a kid??  People shouldn’t rely on any body else – be it a wife, husband or baby – to suddenly bring their life meaning and happiness.  Those types of people are in for a rude awakening.

What if you have a kid and they decide to rebel against you for 17 of their 18 years growing up?  All the fights, clashes of ideals, trouble-making – is any of THAT going to be bringing this “joy” the commenting person speaks of??

What if your kid decides to do drugs or follow the wrong crowd?  Will those days, weeks, and months of struggling to convince them to do otherwise going to make you think, “gee, this kid sure is bringing a lot of joy into MY life right now?!?”

You see, unlike this narrow-minded person here, I understand that kids can bring both joy AND pain.  I understand that, to some people, having a baby just makes their entire life light up, and that nothing would make them happier than to have 5 or 6 mini-thems running around their house.

But what he, along with other people, need to understand, is that not all people are like them.  I don’t get all excited about the prospect of late-night feedings, taking kids to camp, vacationing with kids around, having them misbehave in public – NONE OF THAT APPEALS TO ME.  And just because I don’t like them around, doesn’t mean my DNA is more screwed up – if that’s the case, there are LOTS of people walking around with bad DNA…

…but chances are, we’re a lot happier not having to share that DNA with an annoying rugrat!

REASON #4: THEY BREAK STUFF

Kids’ brains are at a much lower intelligence level than an adult brain, which affects just about everything they do, including (a) what they think is smart vs. dumb, and (b) how coordinated they are.

And who gets to suffer the consequences of these lil’ underdeveloped brains?  ADULTS, that’s who! 

How do we suffer?  When a kid decides he wants to fool around with something that’s not theirs – i.e. is probably YOURS – and breaks it!

Young kids are especially notorious for grabbing any object they see and somehow dismantling it to bits.  You know that universal control you wanted to buy that can operate every single electronic function you have in your house?  Imagine how great you’ll feel when you come home from work one day, only to have your wife tell you that the baby decided to use it as fishing bait… for your toilet!

Oh, wait, that’s right – YOU WON’T FEEL GREAT AT ALL!  If anything, you’ll probably feel like strangling the kid!!

Yes, having a kid means you’ll now have to be on guard for just about EVERY SINGLE THING YOU OWN that either has significant meaning to you or would cost too much money to replace.  DVD players, TVs, vacuum cleaners, fine China – all of these things seem to give signals to young kids that say, “Your parents LOVE this thing – please come over here and break me right away!”

The sad part is, because most kids don’t have a money guage to tell the what’s expensive or what’s not, they can never seem to figure out why the thing they just broke is causing you to become so angry! A kid doesn’t understand why Daddy got so upset just because he decided to key the words “I love you” into the new $1000 paint job on his car!  An infant can’t figure out why throwing Mommy’s new iPhone on the ground and smashing it to pieces has placed her on punishment! “Geez,” they think to themselves, “can’t they just get it fixed?!?”

Kids also have the worst coordination in the world.  Their bodies are constantly changing in height and weight, meaning they have to constantly re-figure out how to balance themselves.  Unfortunately, it also means they fall and trip a LOT, and – if you’re lucky – you just might find them accidentally crashing themselves into your favorite (insert item here) and completely destroying it!

And this is just if they get near YOUR stuff – they’re just as capable of breaking their stuff, too!  I can’t even begin to remember how many times my parents had to re-buy my brother and I Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys as a result of them getting broken, lost, worn out, or having body parts missing.  They probably spent dang near $200 just replacing those toys!

All the money I’d be spending to replace broken items, or having to fix something as a result of my dumb-ass kid being ignorant of what NOT to touch, is money that I could be spending on myself, or taking my girlfriend/wife out someplace, or going on vacation… and the list goes on and on.  If I wanted to have something around that was constantly out to destroy everything I owned, I’d save time and buy a bulldozer instead!

REASON #5: TOO MANY PARENTS LOOK STRESSED OUT

People who already have kids do a very BAD job of advertising the benefits of having them.

Oh sure, they’ll come to me and say stuff like, “They’re a joy to have in your life, and once you have them you’ll never understand how you lived without them.” Or: “They’re more precious than life itself!”

But I don’t go by what I HEAR, I go by what I see.  And, frankly, too many adults out there have let the hard work of parenting show on their person.  And it definitely isn’t something that looks too much fun.

In the course of a single day, I can walk around this city and see parents and children out together.  And what sights do I see?

• The mother struggling to get her baby to quiet down
• The father on the train with his two kids who are jumping around
• Parents waiting in line somewhere while they’re kids run around like idiots
• A teenager yelling at their Mom for no apparent reason
• A parent breaking up a fight between two siblings
• A kid crying because Daddy won’t buy them that toy/candy/moronic thing they want

The list goes on and on and on.  And in all these situations, the parents… well, they’re definitely NOT wearing joyful smiles on their faces.

No, the looks they have instead are:

• Stress
• Fatigue
• Frowns
• Droopy eyes
• The “I just finished running a marathon and I’m about to collapse” Look
• Wrinkles
• Grey Hairs
• Various bruises

Parents also seem to always have this “on the edge” demeanor about them.  Kids can go from being perfectly behaved to “bat-$#!+ crazy” in less than 0.5 seconds, and a parent always has to be ready to react to a child’s sudden meltdown.  Consequently, they never look like they’re completely at peace.  If you thought soldiers coming back from war had a hard time feeling at ease, try being the parent of 2 siblings who spent 5 days trying to kill each other, and see how “at ease” you feel about how they’ll treat each other on the sixth day!

With all these down-trodden looks I’m constantly seeing being worn by adults with children, is it any wonder that they can’t convince me with their words about how GREAT it is to have them?  Life is already stressful enough, and frankly, I’d rather not add to it!

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For 65 other reasons (and counting), visit my website, www.WhyImNeverHavingKids.com!

-Aaron P. Taylor