Aaron P. Taylor’s Guide to Chivalry… for WOMEN.

“Chivalry IS dead… and women killed it!” – Chris Rock

Okay, so maybe Mr. Rock was exaggerating, but he did hit something on the head: chivalry, while not dead, has certainly been on life support for quite some time now. And, while blame can be placed on the men in our society who choose to treat women like sex objects or show them blatant disrespect, it’s not completely our fault.

Yes, women, I’m saying it right here: YOU are part of the reason why chivalry is on its deathbed!

“But Aaron, how can this be?” You might say.  ”I didn’t do anything at all to these guys to make them not want to treat me in a chivalrous way!”

And that, my women friends, is part of the problem: you did NOTHING.

You went out with a guy, and he treated you like a gentleman by paying for your dates, taking you to places he thought you’d like to go, and maybe even put his jacket over a puddle for you.  And what did you do for him in return?

NOTHING. Absolutely nothing.

Reality dictates that a person who likes to “give” also likes to “get” every once in a while.  It’s the law of reciprocity – if I order a pizza, and the delivery man drives it to my house, I am “getting” a pizza that I didn’t have to go out and pick up myself.  He “gives” me the pizza, and expects me to “give” him a tip in return so that he’ll “get” paid.

Dating works the same way.  It’s an interaction between two people who are supposed to be “giving” each other love and affection, while at the same time “getting” it back in return.

The problem, however, is that many dating relationships these days are unbalanced: the guy does all the giving, and the woman does all the receiving.  (Quick note: I realize this sentiment works both ways, but this note is geared toward women.  To the ladies reading this who are doing all the giving and not enough receiving, don’t take offense!)

So what happens?  The man takes you out a few times, pays for everything, opens your door for you, treats you like a gentleman… and then, suddenly, he stops calling you and no longer wants to date you.  You sit there thinking to yourself:

I don’t get it – he was treating me so wonderfully, and then he just stopped! What did I do??

The REAL question you should ask yourself is what DIDN’T you do?

Were you doing nice things for him from time to time?  Were you showing appreciation for his chivalrous efforts by showing chivalry of your own?  Or were you just “getting” the whole time without “giving?”

Chances are, he probably got tired of doing all the grunt work and waiting for you to show a little chivalry on your part to him.  Just like women are always going on and on about finding a man who’s a “gentleman,” most men want to find a woman who is lady-like and able to be as kind and considerate to him as he is to her.

So, how exactly does a lady act chivalrous?  What does she have to do to show her appreciation for her man?  I believe I can help you out, ladies – introducing….

AARON P. TAYLOR’S GUIDE TO CHIVALRY

LESSON 1: THE DATING PHASE

Chivalry starts early on in the relationship, all the way back to dating.  Women expect men to do or say certain things on dates to show he’s a gentleman, but how often do they think about what THEY should be doing to keep his interest?

Here are a few things she should be mindful of when dating.  A woman should:

• Be on time.  The date starts at 7 PM, not 7:23 PM.
• Wear an outfit that is classy.  If you’re well-endowed, it’s okay to wear something that shows cleavage or hugs your figure, but don’t give away the whole show.
• Turn off your phone.  If the guy is paying for your good time, the least you could do is pay attention to HIM, not your Blackberry.
• Open his car door. Sounds backwards, BUT… if he is nice enough to open the car door for you, the least you could do is reach over to the driver’s side and unlock/open the door for him before he gets there.
• Focus some of the conversation on HIM.  Yes, we’ve been taught to learn all about you, but we like to talk about ourselves too!
• Don’t bring up stupid subjects.  Specifically: any conversations about ex-boyfriends or medical examinations you’ve had should be avoided.
• If you go to dinner, don’t order the most expensive meal on the menu.  The guy is taking you out primarily to get to know you, not to pay for your lifestyle.  What you order is also one of the many signs a guy looks for to determine (a) what kind of woman you are (gold-digger vs. there for him) and (b) if he wants to see you again.
• If he offers to pay, DON’T COUNTER-OFFER TO PAY FOR YOURSELF.  He knows you don’t want to, and let’s face it – if he says “okay” to it, you’ll be mad you offered in the first place.
• Always thank him for a nice evening.  If you sincerely had a good time, guys like to hear it.
• Don’t send mixed signals.  If you don’t want to kiss/sleep with him, don’t give indications during the date that you do.

LESSON 2: THE COUPLING PHASE

Once you’ve been seeing each other for a while, you will move to the next stage: being a “couple.”  But don’t think for a second that chivalry should stop there!  Now there are some new things to add to the list.

When seeing each other as a “couple,” a woman should:

• Cook for your man.  Not because it’s “woman’s work” (I like to cook, too), but because it shows you care for him.  If you can’t cook, shopping for pre-cooked food or ordering take-out is fine, as long as the end result is a meal on the table.
• Call him to see how he’s doing.  You don’t have to call everyday, but a few calls a week just to see what he’s up to lets a guy know he’s loved.
• Be open to sexual experimentation.  You don’t have to like everything on the sexual menu, but it doesn’t hurt to at least try it once.  Remember: what you’re not willing to do, another woman is more than ready to!
• Find activities to do that he’ll like – even if you DON’T.  If he’s seen more than his share of girlie movies and dance recitals with you, the least you could do is suck it up and go to a monster truck rally or WWE fight.
• Don’t invade his privacy.  Unless you think he’s dating other women or has a dead body in his trunk, there’s no reason to try and figure out his e-Mail code or open his private safe.  If he’s already sharing 95% of his life with you, don’t be so annoyed about not knowing the other 5%.
• Show him “I Love You.” Yes, it’s nice to hear, but men read more into actions than words.  The caring things you do for him will mean more than saying the 3 words ever could.
• Give him a back rub every once in a while.  Why? ‘Cause they feel good!
• Don’t argue with him in public.  You may be ready to throw down, but save it for behind closed doors.
• If you DO argue, do it respectfully.  Remember: what you’re mad about is an issue with that person, not the person itself. Name-calling and spiteful talk aren’t necessary to get your point across.

LESSON 3: MARRIAGE

If you’ve been dating long enough and have been following the chivalry tips in Lessons 1 and 2, he will, eventually, want to marry you.  And once you’re married, your job is done, right?

WRONG!

This is where most people actually fail: they get married, and all the stuff they did to get their mate gets thrown out the window.  And surprise surprise, the divorce rate in this country is very high – wonder how THAT happened?

The answer: both parties stop being chivalrous to each other!

So, ladies, in addition to having to continue doing the things you were doing in Lessons 1 and 2, you have some other things you need to be doing as well.

Once married, a woman should:

• Be supportive.  You don’t have to agree with every single thing your man does, but you DO have to, at the very least, support his right to do what he wants, especially if it’s not going to bring major harm to you or him.
• Show a united front in public.  Again, you may disagree at times, but when in the face of others it’s an embarrassment to him AND you if you’re constantly trying to take sides against him.
• Nurse him when he’s sick. Men like women who will take care of them when ill.
• Don’t nag.  If he wanted a girl who was going to complain about everything wrong he did, he would have married his mother.
• Don’t nitpick.  This is similar to nagging.  There will be times when he’ll forget to put the toilet seat down, or not clean up his mess in the kitchen. Let it go.  Remember: you’re not perfect, either.
• Be open to trying new things.  He wants you to experience new stuff with him – but if you’re stuck on only doing things you’re used to, you WILL grow apart.
• Get him gifts on holidays.  Yes, women expect presents on all holidays (birthday, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Easter, Christmas), but they sometimes forget that men like receiving things on those days, too.  (Minus Mother’s Day, of course).
• Get him gifts that he’ll LIKE.  Getting him a tie and some cologne each time doesn’t cut it.  You’re married – you should KNOW what he likes.  If you don’t, ask him. He’d rather get a gift he liked than be surprised with a gift he hates.
• Show appreciation for his contribution to the relationship. If he works hard to earn money for the family, thank him for it.
• Don’t be stingy on the sex.  You don’t have to have it everyday, but if it becomes a thing where 3 or 4 months go by without any bedroom activity, you either (a) need to reassess your priorities, or (b) figure out if you still like the guy.  Again, if you’re not willing to do it with him…
• Let him spend time away from you.  Sometimes, the greatest thing you can do for a guy is to let him spend time with the guys, or quiet time by himself away from you.  TRUST me – you not being there only makes him think about you more

And there you go!  Please keep in mind that this is in no way a complete list.  However, it should get you ladies going on the right path towards treating your man with your own brand of chivalry!  Remember: love is a two-way street.  If you’re not keeping your side of the road balanced, how is he supposed to do the same for you?

-Aaron P. Taylor