Dating Advice 4 Men: Excuses = She’s Just NOT That Into You

The communicative styles men and women use amongst their own genders are quite different from each others. Women tend to use language that is meant to hint or cushion the things they’re asking/talking about, whereas men tend to be more direct.

For example: as a kid, if my parents wanted me to take out the trash, my Mom would hint at it (i.e. “gee, Aaron, the trash is looking pretty full”) so as not to sound like she was making demands, whereas my Dad would just flat out say, “Aaron, go take out the trash.”

There’s nothing wrong with either communication style… until we start trying to apply it to the opposite gender.

This is especially true in the dating world, where men, who are used to direct communication with other men, assume that women will communicate with them in the same way. So what happens? A guy asks a girl out on a date, and he gets hit with something like:

“Oh, I’d really like to… but I’m just so busy right now, and I have so much going on…”

A girl listening from the outside would hear this and think: “Aww, how sweet – she’s giving him the hint that she doesn’t want to date him!” However, most guys would just think: “Oh, okay – she’s not rejecting me, she’s just busy, but might be up to dating me later!”

Why? Because she didn’t say to him “I’m not interested” in a direct way, most guys will always assume they have a chance later. (This used to be me back in my college days, before I got hip to the lingo.)

Part of it is also due to the male ego. Us guys can be a bit too overconfident sometimes in our ability to woo every single girl that when one gives us an excuse, we automatically think: “this statement CAN’T be a rejection – who WOULDN’T like to go out with me??”

It’s certainly healthy to have a good amount of confidence about yourself, but I’m here to make something very, very clear:

IF A GIRL IS GIVING YOU ANY KIND OF EXCUSE AS TO WHY SHE CAN’T GO OUT WITH YOU, SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

Hopefully I’ve just saved you YEARS of therapy sessions where you’d be whining about how confused you are that all these girls keep SAYING one thing – “I like you, but I’m not ready to date” – while DOING another (like dating someone a week after you asked her out).

But let me help you out even more. The following list are popular blow-off phrases you may have heard before that you didn’t think were blow-off phrases, along with the translation behind them and why:

PHRASE #1: “I just got out of a long relationship, and I’m not ready to date yet…”
TRANSLATION: “I don’t want to date you.”
REALITY CHECK: Most women usually have the next guy they’re ready to date in mind prior to breaking up with a boyfriend. The only time this statement might be even remotely true is if SHE’S the one that got dumped – and even then, she doesn’t want to date you because she’s probably still hoping her ex will change his mind and take her back. Either way, she has NO interest in you.

PHRASE #2: “I’m so busy right now, I don’t even have time to date anyone…”
TRANSLATION: “I don’t want to date you.”
REALITY CHECK: A girl will always – ALWAYS – make time for a guy she WANTS to see, and make NO time for a guy she doesn’t want to see. It’s that simple. As much as girls complain about not being able to “find the right man,” do you REALLY think she’s say, “Wow, this looks like the guy I should date… but oh darn, can’t make time for him” if she was REALLY interested? Don’t think so!

PHRASE #3: “I’m too busy trying to focus on my career…”
TRANSLATION: “I don’t want to date you.”
REALITY CHECK: Girls are actually better at multi-tasking than guys are. They’re programmed that way so that, if they decide to have kids, they can look after a whole brood of them without going crazy. How else do you explain a mother being able to juggle 5 kids’ schedules at one time? Yet she can’t focus on 2 things – a job AND you? And even if she WAS focusing on her career, everyone needs a distraction from their job to have some fun – she just doesn’t want that distraction to be YOU!

PHRASE #4: “My schedule is pretty booked right now…”
TRANSLATION: “I don’t want to date you.”
REALITY CHECK: There are 24 hours in a day, and not all of them are booked up. Even if you factor in sleep time (8 hours) and work time (8 hours) plus transit time (1 hour), that’s still 7 hours of “do what the f–k I want” time. Clearly, if she’s giving you this excuse, her “want” time doesn’t include hanging out with you! Even if she was hella busy, she’d find a way to fit you in for one of her three meals out of the day to say “hey” if she liked you.

PHRASE #5: “Sorry I didn’t call you back, my phone (is on the fritz, answer machine isn’t working, etc.)”
TRANSLATION: “I don’t want to date you OR talk to you.”
REALITY CHECK: If you’re hearing this excuse, chances are you tried calling her, she didn’t return the call, and then you ran into her in person somewhere and asked, “Why didn’t you call me back?” The real reason? She doesn’t like you. If her phone really WAS on the fritz or the answering machine wasn’t working, why didn’t she send you an e-mail/facebook message/ telegram telling you so? If a girl really likes a guy, losing communication with him is the LAST thing she wants to do, and will usually find a way to let him know about her crappy phone. Heck, I know girls who are just friends who will send messages like, “my phone got hijacked in the subway, here’s my new number!” If you’re finding out about this phone thing in person, she was probably hoping to NOT run into you and have to give you her number again!

I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the idea. A woman does not communicate directly like a man does (except when it comes to their feelings – ugh), so, 9 times out of 10, if you ask her out and she doesn’t want to see you, you’re not going to hear a “no.” You’ll probably get an excuse of some kind instead, which is basically her hint to you that she’s not interested.

But don’t take it to heart or beat yourself down about it – just be happy that she’s trying to let you down gently, and wait for the next girl to come along – one that will only make excuses to SEE you, instead of stay away from you!

-Aaron P. Taylor
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