“Feed Him, F–k Him & Football”: The 3 F’s All Women Need to Do to Keep a Man

Recently, one of my comedian friends named Cocoa Brown got popped “the question” by her boyfriend.  As a joke, she put the following statement as her Facebook status update:

“A lot of women have asked “what did you do to get that ring?” Honestly, I just followed the 3 F’s …Feed ‘em, F*?!’em & let him watch football!”

After I picked myself up from the floor from laughing so hard, I realized there was a lot of truth in her jesting statement.

To this day, it amazes me how complex women think men are.  They continue to think we have a secret agenda; that when we say things we really mean something else (9 times out of 10 we don’t); or that we require women to jump through a plethora of hoops to make us want to ask them for their hand in marriage.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

As my friend’s statement says, men are more than willing to marry the right girl if she’s doing just a few simple things – things that, while seemingly easy, will have a HUGE impact on a man’s decision to keep you around for the long haul.

1. FEED HIM.

A woman who can cook (and cook well) is very sexy to a guy – and for more reasons than you can imagine.

One, it’s a money saver.  A smart guy likes to manage his money and not spend it on frivolous things, one of them being continuous restaurant bills.  Therefore, having a woman who can take $5 worth of Wal-mart groceries and turn it into a home-cooked meal with 4 days of leftovers is, quite simply, awesome.

Two, it shows she cares.  The fact that she’s taking a good portion of time out of her day just to make something he likes shows how much she desires making him happy.

And three, it shows her dedication to be a help mate in the relationship.  She understands that her man is out there busting his butt all day to make sure the two of them are straight; therefore, the least she could do is make sure he doesn’t go hungry so he has the strength to keep it pushing.

Now, some women may read this and think: “But what if I can’t cook? I burn everything, including water!”

My first answer would be: LEARN HOW TO COOK SOMETHING.  If you’re not trying to figure out how to cook at least ONE thing to make your man happy, you probably don’t really like him.

(Reality check: MEN. ARE. SIMPLE.  You don’t have to be Chef Ramsey – our taste pallet is usually not that discriminatory.  However, if you can read, find a recipe that looks relatively easy, and FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS. Heck, I’d be happy if a girl just knew how to cook a bowl of oatmeal for me – at least it shows she’s TRYING.  Sometimes the effort is more important than the results.)

The second answer would be: if you really, really, REALLY can’t cook, that’s no excuse to not have food on the table.  Some of my greatest memories from college were going home to a “home cooked meal” – and by “home cooked meal” I mean my Mom would order up some pizza or Chinese food, and I’d be the happiest person on earth.  At the very least, you can always go to the grocery store and pick up a ready-made chicken or microwavable peas.

The point is, you should have SOMETHING prepared for him to eat.  If you don’t, you shouldn’t be surprised if you hear about him eating somewhere (and someone) else.

2. F–K HIM.

This one should be obvious to EVERYBODY.

MEN. LOVE. SEX.  So do women (though, in the beginning, they may act like it’s no big deal to them), but for men it’s not just about the physical “OMG, I get to c*m today” feeling.

As we all know, men aren’t exactly the best at talking about their feelings.  They may love a woman to death but never feel comfortable verbalizing it.

HOWEVER…

The one place where men DO tend to let their guard down a bit is in the bedroom during the act of sex. Aside from the obvious physical release, they also get to use love making as a way to express their desires towards their mate – how they feel about them, how much they want to please them, hold them, protect them, etc.

THEREFORE…

A smart woman will understand WHY it’s important to have a sexual relationship with their man.  It’s fun; it’s healthy; and it gives him an excuse to express himself in a way he would not normally do.

A DUMB woman (and, admittedly, one who is probably not all that into her man), won’t understand why her man is always asking her for sex.  She’s not thinking about the fact that he may best express his true love and care for her via physical intimacy.  Instead, she’s just thinking: “Geez, why does he always have to get his rocks off?!? Is that ALL he wants me for??”

If a woman can’t satisfy her man physically, or isn’t willing to have sex with him on a regular basis, one of two things will happen: she will either (a) lose him, or (b) he will start having an affair with another chick who IS willing to give him what he physically needs.

So, stop being stingy, ladies – if you’re not giving your man enough sex, you either need to start doing it some more or figure out WHY you don’t want to give him some, then find another man who you DO want to sleep with on a regular basis!

3. FOOTBALL

It baffles my mind when I hear men complain that their wives/girlfriends don’t like them watching football.

Some women get jealous when a man’s attention is turned away from her and towards anything else.  Especially sports (for reasons I have yet to figure out to this day).

However, the watching of sports isn’t just about the game, or the numbers, or the players, etc.  It’s about something that, at first, may seem quite insulting…

It’s about getting away from YOU.

Yes ladies, it’s true.  As much as we can love you, want to be married to you, etc…. we do NOT want to be around you 24/7.

Now me, I don’t watch sports.  However, there are certain TV shows I like to watch (The Simpsons, 24, South Park, etc.) that are what I call “me time” shows.  When those programs are on, I don’t want to talk to ANYBODY.  I don’t care if it’s my Mom, my brother, my cousin, my girlfriend, or my roommate – when those shows are on, NOBODY ELSE EXISTS.

The problem, then, arises when women don’t understand this concept.  They think if a man loves them, they should be willing to turn their attention away from whatever they’re watching and focus it on them.

In reality, the best way to keep the peace in the relationship is to let a man have time to himself, where you aren’t involved in what he’s doing.  Think about it: if you never have time apart, what will you two have to talk about?

If you’re both around each other all the time, both of you will always know what the other one did.  You’ll be like “hey, guess what I did today?” and he’ll be like “don’t tell me, I already know – I was there, remember?”

If you’re both around each other all the time, things that you wouldn’t normally notice about the other person will start pissing you off.  You’ll be like, “hey, do you ALWAYS have to breathe like that?” and he’ll be like, “I usually only breathe like this when you’re not around, but now you’re ALWAYS around!”

And for a guy, not giving him time where he can do what he wants without you WILL cause him to resent you in the long run.  Again, it’s not about NOT loving/caring for you; it’s about the fact that, sometimes, a man just needs a break from being around his girl for a while.  We actually NEED time to get away from you so we can do our own thing.

Luckily for YOU, there IS a benefit to giving a guy his space: by not having you around, he will start to think about you, and realize how much fun he has when you ARE around.  The result? When he finally DOES see you again, he’s usually re-charged and even happier to see you.

So, let a guy watch his dang football.  Heck, it only comes on Sundays and Mondays – if he’s spending 5 days out of the week paying attention to you, two days of sports shouldn’t be THAT big of a deal. (Of course, if he’s spending every day after that watching highlights and not taking care of home and work to do so, you may have to intervene…)

See, ladies? It really IS simple to get and keep a man – just follow the three Fs and you won’t get F’d over!

-Aaron P. Taylor