Diary of an Angry Hip-Hop Junkie

In yet another blatant display of editorial bitchASSness by a popular urban lifestyle publication, the now-defunct flesh-rag known as King magazine recently unveiled its highly-anticipated ‘Unpopular Rap Facts’ in its final cootch-juiced issue before joining Radar, Blender, Scratch, Vibe Vixen and nearly 600 other recession-rocked mags on the midnight train the Foldsville.

While examining these blasphemous revelations — which should’ve been called ‘8 gun shots to Hip-Hop’s dome’ — my eyes smoldered with crimson fury like ‘Lance’ in ‘The Best Man’ until the following ‘rap fact’ repudiaHATEsions spilled from my beautifully diseased thoughts into this blog for your reading enjoyment. Let’s get to it.

8. Ice Cube Had The Greatest Five-Year Run In Hip-Hop.

King: “From 1988 to 1992, he made N.W.A the world’s most dangerous group with “F*ck The Police,” and then slaughtered them on “No Vaseline.” He recorded “Jackin’ For Beats,” a template for the upcoming mixtape era, as well as radio hits like “It Was a Good Day.” He foresaw the L.A. riots on Death Certificate and then described their aftermath on The Predator.”

Alejandro: This debatable doozie clearly crip-walked into the mag-staff’s blunted brainage during a purp-induced viewing of Are We There Yet? …Err, so ‘Jheri curl Cube’ and not Hov, Em or DMX had the GREATEST five-year run in the HISTORY of Hip-Hop?!? …Uhh YES, according to these Almighty Hip-Hop Know-It-Alls who cited Em’s lack of classic material and Hov’s ‘dog’ albums (In My Lifetime, Vol. 1 & The Blueprint 2) as ‘valid reasons’ why the greats were 8-6’ed from the ‘best five-year run’ sweepstakes.

However, there are many rap purists who agree with this distinction even if Cube ditched his Raiders fitted and F@#$-whitey mentality years before re-emerging as the lovable ‘family-friendly Cube,’ which is why I’m siding with DMX’s ’97-’02 campaign where he barked legendary bars on Mase’s “24 Hours To Live,” The LOX’s “Money, Power & Respect,” and LL’s “4,3,2,1,” before dropping two multi-platinum classics (It’s Dark… and Flesh of My Flesh…) and possibly the illest Hip-Hop themed soundtrack/crew compilation ever (Belly and Ryde or Die, Vol. 1). Dark Man X also starred in four feature films during this run highlighted by the cult classic Belly and certified guilty pleasure Romeo Must Die.

7. Famous Common Is Less Than Common Sense.

King: “During his long career, Lonnie Rashid Lynn has released an undisputed classic album (Resurrection), possibly Hip-Hop’s most clever concept song (“I Used To Love H.E.R.”) and a brutal, nearly career ending battle record (“The Bitch in Yoo”)” … “Since his late ’90s heyday, Common has been an MC in decline. That would include his comeback album, BE, which was more about Kanye’s production than great MC’ing…” … “He is also, however, a classic example of someone who was underrated until he became overrated.”

Alejandro: When the legendary MC plugged his SAG card on “Break My Heart,” it was clear that he no longer hearted Hip-Hop like he did when he ‘borrowed a dollar’ from Hip-Hop heads nearly two decades ago… But rather than driving this ‘point’ home by ripping Com’s movie-first-album-second approach to the uber-whack UMC, the f*ck-heads at King decided to discredit his lyricism on the critically-acclaimed BE and label the Wanted/Terminator 4star as ‘overrated’ …WT—MUTHA—F?! …This is Common dammit — one of the best to ever do it — not Missy F@#$%$ Elliot, who actually NEEDED Timbo to stay relevant… Seriously, how could anyone deny his phonetic brilliance on “Be (Intro),” “The Corner,” “Chi-City” and “It’s Your World?!” …Hell, if BE was more about Kanye then — by golly — Like Water For Chocolate was more about Dilla …F@$# outta here! …

6. In 2009, Ready To Die Sounds Dated.

King: “OK, it has lots of timeless, amazing, genius records. But between Biggie’s birth on the “Intro” and the creepy closer “Suicidal Thoughts,” Ready To Die contains, in retrospect, some wince-worthy moments …”

Alejandro: …Sooo I’m guessing that in 2037 the record will sound even more ‘dated’ than does today, which obviously isn’t acceptable to the zoobilizooble(s) responsible for this super-duper-mind-blower …I mean DAMN, what the F@#% did they expect a 15-year-old classic to sound like FIFTEEN YEARS later in ’09 — slick, synthed-out and pop-speckled like, say, Deeper Than Rap?!? — Maaaaan… F@#%… That… Sh*t! …If anything, Hip-Hoppers love this album because of its vintage feel — its record crackles, grungy acoustics and dust-crusted break beats… Sh*t, that’s the beauty of golden era Hip-Hop and records like Wu Tang’s Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers), Outkast’s Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik and The Root’s Illadelph Halflife..etc..which will always be celebrated despite sounding somewhat ancient at times…

5. Miami Has Yet To Produce a Great MC.

King: “And to date the city hasn’t yielded an MC on anyone’s top 10 … Miami rappers, meanwhile, are a rogue’s gallery of mediocrity …”

Alejandro: …and neither has Juneau… Honolulu… or even Sante Fe… but I doubt anyone’s keeping track other than the skeet-stains at King… damn, who knew U.S. cities had MC quotas?!? …certainly not me or anyone else that’s visited another state to enjoy its attractions (Las Vegas = Casinos) or feast on its delicacies (Kansas City = Bar-B-Q) …So with this in mind, remember that this is Miami baybeee — the hottest city in the south and home to legendary figures like Dan Marino, Dwyane Wade and ‘Scarface’ — not a snow-plagued war-zone like NYC where Great MCs are grown on concrete jungle trees… In fact, I’m almost certain that tourists flock to Miami for its gorgeous weather, exotic women and extravagant beaches without ever envisioning sweaty MCs rocking the mic on the South Beach boardwalk… But then again, what the F@#% would I know… I’m just some random niglet who was born AND raised there… *shrugs* …

4. Summer Of ’98 Was Crucial To Jay-Z’s Career.

King: “In early 1998, Jay-Z’s career wasn’t matching the expectations. His debut, Reasonable Doubt, collected kudos but only a gold plaque. Its follow-up, 1997’s In My Lifetime, Vol. 1, would be remembered as the perennial sophomore slump. The rapping was phenomenal, of course, but it piggybacked the crassest trends of the Bad Boy era — indolent crate-digging, style over substance and ugly clothes…”

Alejandro: …So wait, let me get this right, Reasonable Doubt didn’t match expectations because it only went gold (at the time) and Hov wouldn’t be where is he is today if he hadn’t survived the summer of ’98?! …In the words of ‘Jheri curl Cube’: “N@#$@ please!” …Yea, In My Lifetime was too glossy at times but there’s no denying bangers like “Who You Wit,” “Imaginary Player” “Friend or Foe ’98” and “A Million…”

And if you were wondering, the word ‘crucial’ usually refers to a ‘must-have’ or ‘must-do’ situation — uh, sorta like Weezy’s use of the Dedication mixtapes to re-build his teetering career, Jeezy’s Trap or Die campaign or T-Pain’s adoption of Auto-Tune — and probably wouldn’t be the best term to stress the importance of a random summer in a Top-10 MC’s illustrious career… So, realistically, even if Hov did sh*t on his fans with the commercialized In My Lifetime (…which he kinda did) I truly believe his lyrical brilliance alone would’ve won them back and pushed him into elite status despite anything these Hov-haters say…

3. Lil’ Wayne Is The Greatest Punch-Line Rapper Ever.

King: “…Lil’ Wayne encapsulates all the qualities of a wordsmith — creativity, humor and surprise. He toys with phonetics whole bars at a time… throws effective jabs (“I’m on fire, need water like a hiccup”)” … “Weezy animates his words better than any other Hip-Hop simile-sayer, flipping and flopping his flows with weird inflections, sound effects and pronunciations…”

Alejandro: This is, by far, the most blasphemous ‘rap fact’ of them all and proves that these pop-slurping peons discovered Hip-Hop when the Carter III dropped. There’s just NO… F@#$#$… WAY… the mega-mind-frazzled pop-sensation — who spits more cringe-worthy one-liners (“I’m on like the television” …really?!) than anyone else in the industry — is a better punch-line rapper than Big L (“I got mad hoes/ask Beavis I get nuthin’ But-head”), Em (“You couldn’t make the crowd throw up their hands if they swallowed their fingers”), Phonte (“I saw your latest signing at an in-store, the whole sh*t was see-through/he couldn’t draw a crowd with a paintbrush and an easel”) and a zillion other spitsmiths who would slaughter the ex-lean-swigger in a head-to-head battle with stacks on the line…

Now to be fair, Weezy USED to be a dope MC who dropped OoOh-worthy lines like unwanted pennies… but in 2009, he’s the anti-punch-linoisseur behind lyrical catastrophes like: “I’m trapped in a maze — therefore I am aMAZEing,” or the mag’s head-scratching example: “I’m on fire, need water like a hiccup” …Err, and this is from the greatest punch-line rapper… ever?!? …Riiiiiight… so instead of poking more holes in this revelation like gourmet TV dinners, I’ll bless you with a quotable from the illest punchline-rapper you’ve never heard of — His name is Iron Solomon — And yes, he’s on Youtube…

From ‘Iron Solomon vs. Math’:

“I recycled your rhymes to trash you lyrically/cuz back in High School I smashed his chickity/to cut, she cut science class to visit me/we had chemistry/attracted physically/taught her sex-ed and woodshop now Math is history.” — Iron Solomon

2. Tupac’s Influence Is Second To None, But He Was An Average MC.

King: “Sure there is plenty of “real talk” but few instances of mind-boggling verses or innovative flows. Can you honestly admit that he is a better rapper than, say, Big Pun? Tupac is the epitome of conviction over diction” … “Tupac was a passable storyteller (see “Brenda’s Got a Baby,” “I Ain’t Mad at Cha”), but even his narratives were driven by simple rhyme schemes and cut-and-dry wordplay…”

Alejandro: I refuse to place an (R.I.P.) by ’Pac’s name because there’s always some pimple-faced ’Pac-ripper dredging up the rapper’s remains and torching whatever’s left of his once-glowing legacy …and in this case, it’s the rap-delusionaries at King who felt the need to sh*t on the grave of the most beloved, studied and quoted (“Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting p*ssy” …classic…) rap poet of our generation …And for what?! …to prove that Pun was a hotter homonymist than Pac or that ’Pac wasn’t as ‘lyrically intriguing’ as Hov, Nas or Em?! … F*ck… outta… here… (again)!

Think about it, if your influence is second to none wouldn’t that make you GREAT at what you do?! … See: Hall-of-Famers Larry Bird, Jim Brown or Pulitzer prize winning author Ernest Hemingway, who are all legendary figures despite very ‘un-flashy’ approaches to their crafts — Bird was stiff, dopey and unathletic but scored nearly 22K points during his championship-winning career, Brown ran like he had boulders chained to his cleats but routinely demoralized defenses on his record-setting 106 trips to the end zone and Hemingway used short, simple sentences to pen literary classics that most High School-ers are forced to read and write papers on to this day…

With that said, it should be difficult for any rap fan to view ’Pac as an ‘average’ MC or accept that “Brenda’s Got a Baby,” “I Ain’t Mad at Cha” and even “Dear Mama” were passable pieces of storytelling and not poetic masterpieces that touched the lives of millions of people across the globe… Yea, it’s true, ’Pac wasn’t a lyrical beast, but at the end of the day dude had a message and that’s all that F@#$#% matters!

1. Nas Has Hip-Hop’s Best Solo Discography.

King: “Both claim three classic albums (Illmatic, It Was Written, Stillmatic and Reasonable Doubt, Vol.2… Hard Knock Life, The Blueprint) but again, only one released Illmatic … Jay-Z’s failures (namely, The Blueprint 2 andKingdom Come) are apathetic collections of bad radio records. At least Nas pushes artistic boundaries on Street’s Disciple and Hip-Hop Is Dead. And even though Nastradamus has become an industry punch-line, it’s much better than advertised.”

Alejandro: I agree… Nas has Hip-Hop’s Best Solo Discography and boasts three classic albums that include It Was Written and Stillmatic… but then that would mean that Muhammad Ali recently beat me in a game of “Operation” on the White House lawn …Uh, and even if he did beat me those two records would still be very good records (… not classics!) and his discography would still be among the worst ever for an MC with a classic album on his resume… Yea, that’s right… the… worst… ever… In fact, Nas may be the only dope MC to drop five lukewarm yawners in a row (Nastradamus, Stillmatic, God’s Son, Hip-Hop is Dead and Untitled) which is why I’ve chosen to leave you with five superior discographies from Jay-Z, Common, Ghostface, Busta and Snoop (Min. 8 Albums) to chew on while I bounce to my next blog … Stay strong Hip-Hoppers!

This has been another Alejandro presentation.