2nd Annual ‘ALEJANDRO AWARDS’: The BESTdedest & WORSTdedest of ‘09 (Deluxe Edition)

January 4th, 2010 | By Alejandro Ford

The year 2000+9 was THEE absolute WORSTEST… most tragedy-tattered, HATE-smathered, scandal-splattered ‘YEAR’ EV-ER — err, maybe even ALL-TIME (Fall back Kanye, I got this) or since 1983, when I hit Carolyn Ford’s womb with the two finger salute — and will always be remembered as a reset-worthy collection of QUITtable+DE-friendable+UN-followable day ‘N’ nites where nehgadivahty (Chris Brown’s word…not mine) obsessively p-p-poked positivity, optimism & hope in their misery-smeared faces during twelve of the most F@#$%y-riddled months that we’ll probably ever live through during our lifetime …

In ’09, Mike Jack moonwalked through the Pearly Gates, ‘New-New’ dropped Weezy’s 15^th baby, ‘Chile Suhpote’ was two one word, Madea went to jail with Plax..Gucci..Boosie & T.I.P., Obama..Falcon & Favre flew above da haters, chubby ‘Treasure Trolls’ = ‘Barbies,’ the Empire State struck back, Drake was the new El DeBarge, obese ‘sistas’ were ‘Precious,’ Auto-Tune died…and rose on the third day, RiRi was the top-flight yodelist of the world…Craig, ‘Kanye’ & ‘Chris Brown’ were nouns verbs, ‘swag’ came with an ON/OFF switch, Trey Songz won the Nobel Prize for ‘inventing sex,’ star athletes spent more time behind bars than between the lines, Swine-Flu replaced the common cold, GaGa jacked Bey for her gay fanbase and Blacks were RE-imagined as electric blue savages in Avatar..illiterate Coonbots in Transformers II..slum-ravaged Aliens in District 9 …

…Yea, ’09 definitely put the C in coonery, D in debauch’ry, F in F@%#%y & B in b*tchAZZness, but it also proved to be one of the most Award-worthy years of our whacked-out, critically-UNacclaimed generation… So with that said, I now present to you the 2^nd Annual ‘ALEJANDRO AWARDS!’ ….Enjoy!

Hip-Hop Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Raekwon OB4CLPt.II Jay-Z Blueprint 3

“Men Lie. Women Lie. Numbers Don’t.” — Hov … Blueprint 3 = 1,337,000 sold.

Everyone had an opinion about Blueprint 3. Team: Hov LOVED it. Team: Pre-Black Album-Hov HATED it. Team: Oprah copped it because, uh, Oprah said so… and ESPN’s production team featured track 2..11..uh…5..& 9 on their montages through September. NO, this wasn’t Hov’s opus — in fact, it’s too imperfect to touch the living legend’s Top-5 BUT it was ’09s definitive Hip-Hop record that boasted the illest marketing campaign ever by a major rap artist in a year where NO ONE was copping Hip-Hop records… let alone, A record…

J. Dilla Jay Stay Paid (Winner for ‘Posthumous Album of the Year’)

*Drake So Far Gone (Winner for ‘Mixtalbum of the Year’)

Mos Def The Ecstatic (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (Hip-Hop)’)

Slaughterhouse Slaughterhouse

Raekwon OB4CLPt.II (Winner for ‘BEST Hip-Hop Album of ‘09’)

*Honorable Mention: Ricky Walrus Deeper Than Rap

Deeper Than Rap bangs..err, well the beats do, but was creatively dead-on-arrival due to Officer Ricky’s deeply delusional lyrics that made my soul cringe like an Alicia Keys falsetto run. If anything, Ricky should offer his Gold plaque (…if he earns one…) to the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League for their incredible work on an album that would’ve been CLASSIC had swoleded titties never breav’d his lie-polluted breaf over it …

Underground Hip-Hop Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Skyzoo The Salvation

(Skyzoo aka one of the illest storytellers in the game. See: “True Romance.”) + (rewind-worthy quotables) + (top-notch Just Blaze, Nottz, Khrysis & 9^th wonder production) = The Salvation… Believe me, it’s the dopest Hip-Hop record that you’ve never heard… err, or seen in your neighborhood variety record store…

Fashawn Boy Meets World

DOOM Born Like This

Blakroc Blakroc …Nicole Wray is feat. on the album. Just thought you’d want to know.

14KT Nowalataz LP (Winner for ‘Instrumental Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

Alchemist Chemical Warfare

Diamond District In the Ruff

Tanya Morgan Brooklynati

R&B/POP Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … The-Dream Love Vs. Money

Love Vs. Money had all the bullet wounded-‘Barbies,’ ‘Quick weaveded 5-Star Bishes’ & ‘classy, college edumacated’ future ex-wifeys rockin’ their sh*t in the club with glasses of moscato in one hand and Boyfriend #2’s phone in the other (“Guh, putcha # in mah fone”) … Yea, Love Vs. Money was THAT SHYT… and a major reason why the ladies were calling ‘Letitia their beautician’ the morning after rubbing their sh*t against ex-BOO #5 in the club… and then in the, uh… well, nevamind… J

Pleasure P The Introduction of Marcus Cooper

R. Kelly Untitled

Day26 Forever in a Day

Lady Gaga Fame Monster (Deluxe Edition)

Ryan Leslie Ryan Leslie

LeToya Lady Love

J. Holiday Round 2

Soul/NU-Soul Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Joy Jones Godchild

Joy Jones turns my frowns upside down and takes me to a place where negativity doesn’t even exist with her incredibly nostalgic brand of NU-Soul music… As of Jan. 1, 2010, there’s Marsha, Jill, Erykah, Jazzy, Muhsinah, Conya, Georgia… and then Joy Jones… Govern yourselves accordingly.

Slakah The Beatchild Soul Movement, Vol. 1

Eric Roberson Music Fan First

Georgia Anne Muldrow Umsindo

Jesse Boykins III The Beauty Created (Winner for ‘Best RE-mixed Album of the Year’)

Maxwell Blacksummers’night (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (R&B)’)

N’Dambi Pink Elephant

Slept-On Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Jaspects The Polkadotted Stripe

…I. STILL. Can’t. STOP. Banging. This. Album… It’s just that artistically ‘different’ in the dopest possible way and absolutely ROCKS as an intergalactoSoul-synthed voyage into the musical ‘unknown’ … The Polkadotted Stripe > Your ‘BEST ALBUM’ of ’09. THE END.

Nicolay City Lights, Vol. 2: Shibuya (Winner for ‘Instrumental Album of the Year’)

Che Grand Everything’s Good Ugly

Fashawn Boy Meets World

Lee Fields & The Expressions My World

DJ Quik & Kurupt Blaqkout

14KT Nowalataz (Winner for ‘Instrumental Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

SA-RA Creative Partners Nuclear Evolution: The Age of Love

*Honorable Mention: Mike Epps Funny Bidness: Da Album

No, Mike Epps can’t RAP worth ½ a DAMN but he doesn’t have to when 75% of his debut comedy/Hip-Hop project features his signature ig’nance-smacked rants like this hilarious gem from his lead-single “Ain’t Chu You”:  “…Crooked azz teeth in ya mouf … you put them b*tches in by yaself dincha?!… you gotta mouth fulla bird seeds..getcha azz back…crazy azz, wit that dry azz skin… getcha azz back…skin look like the crust on a chicken pot pie …bish look like a got’damn Rottweiler wit them black azz knuckles… bish you black and brown like a Rottweiler…”

Mixtape of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Drake So Far Gone Lil’ Wayne No Ceilings

Track #1 … “Swag Surfin.”

“…I’m a New Orleans n*gga, I don’t take no sh*t/Take the brain off the whip now it don’t make no sense/Stunt hard on these b*tches, I aint promise tomorrow/Now women kickin’ it with me like Nomar Garciaparra…”

“…Few grow them killer plants, the little shop of horror/And we roll them b*tches thick, make them look like Tocara/Man I’m too much for these n*ggas, and three much for these hoes/The World is in my hands, and I keep my hands closed…”

“I love my baby mommas, they get my highest honor/Gotta take care of them kids man, I kno ya heard Obama…”

“…Red bone do me good, then her friend assist her/I mean a b*tch she never met, her best friend, or sister/I leave her p*ssy microsoft… like windows vista…”

“Walk around like I’m thirty feet tall… Tiger Woods all these h*es tryna birdy these balls /And the Porche 911 like emergency calls, man I just be chillin,’ I’m cool like Lou Rawls” …

…And this is only Track #1… Any Questions?!

Lupe Fiasco Enemy Of The State: A Love Story

AFTA-1 X GAS’D LOVE IS REAL Mixtape Series

Wale & 9^th Wonder Back to the Feature

Sean Price Kimbo Price: A Prelude to Mic Tyson

PacDiv Church League Champions

Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Mayer Hawthorne A Strange Arrangement

…Yeaaa, I know… ‘Here I go… gushing over yet another random Motown-inspired Blue-Eyed Nu-Souler with a cringe-worthy Smokey Robinson fetish…’ …Yep… ‘…Mayer’s just another Black culture-raping, Five Heartbeats-obsessed white boy who ‘music heads,’ like me, are worshipping due to some terribly watered down ‘Golden-era re-creation project’ that Berry Gordy would’ve frowned upon had he been alive…’ *deep sigh* …And to ALL you cold-blooded haters/ANTI-hypesters/POP-diseased bottom feeders I say: …And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Mayer Hawthorne A Strange Arrangement. Thank you. Goodnite.

14KT Nowalataz (Winner for ‘Instrumental Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

Raekwon Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Pt. II (Winner for ‘BEST Hip-Hop Album of ‘09’)

Jaspects The Polkadotted Stripe (Winner for ‘Slept-on Album of the Year’)

Joy Jones Godchild (Winner for ‘Soul/NU-Soul Album of the Year’)

The-Dream Love Vs. Money (Winner for R&B/POP Album of the Year)

Maxwell Blacksummers’night (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (R&B)’)

Little Dragon Machine Dreams (Winner for ‘ElectroSoul Album of the Year’)

Jay-Z Blueprint 3 (Winner for ‘Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

Mos Def The Ecstatic (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (Hip-Hop)’)

*Drake So Far Gone (Winner for ‘Mixtalbum of the Year’)

I Want My GOT’ DAYUM $$$/Megabytes BACK Award (R&B/POP)

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Michael Jackson The Remix Suite

…Have you ever wondered what Michael Jackson would sound like over a Neptunes, Polow Da Don, Stargate or Salaam Remi banger?! Never?! …Bleh, me neither… which is why I absolutely DEtested this blasphemous compilation of musically-mutilated Mike Jack mega-hits-turnt-mega-FAILS that made my soul weep like a warm-hearted animal lover during the ending of Marley & Me… Seriously Joe Jack & fam, is this really how you greedy azz black-hearts wanted to pay your final respects to Mike — the ‘greatest to EVER do it’ — by allowing his classic vocals to be splattered over a mindless cacophony of POP-skeeted ANTI-anthems?!? … Joe: ‘Hell, abslootlee…sumbawdee had toopae fo my RECA © (Meik) Layba’ … *LOGS OUT of LIFE* …

Ledisi Turn Me Loose

Chris Brown Graffiti

Alicia Keys The Element of Freedom

Mario D.N.A.

Whitney Houston I Look To You

India.Aire Testimony, Vol. 2: Love & Politics

Chrisette Michele Epiphany

I Want My GOT’ DAYUM $$$/Megabytes BACK Award (Hip-Hop/Rap)

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … KiD CuDi Man On The Moon: The End Of Day

Man On The Moon: The End Of Day made me want to slash my wrists with a pickled pig-Flu-stained prison shank and RE-opened the subconscious wounds inflicted by Precious, Monster, Seven Pounds and What Dreams May Come… I mean DAMN, I felt like I was chained inside Kurt Cobain’s brain  for 50+ min. with no way out other than A) The *STOP* button or B) A loaded .45… BUT, then again, ‘CuDi’s…a *waaaait for it* ‘MUSICAL GENIUS’ …and this ‘masterpiece’ — which also happened to be the BEST Hip-Hop Album to drop in’09 — went over my head (…just like Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak which he Co-Wrote…)’ mhhhmm…Got’cha… In fact, I’ll remember this the next time I scroll past “Day ‘N’ Nite”/“Poke Her Face” aka two of the few ‘listenable’ tracks on this suicide-friendly record that only depressed suburbanites with razor sliced wrists will would appreciate …

Rakim The Seventh Seal

Eminem Relapse

Lil’ Wayne The Rebirth ..err, wait… Lil’ Wayne The Rebirth ..That’s not out yet. O_0

Capone-N-Noreaga Channel 10

Asher Roth Asleep In The Bread Aisle

Busta Rhymes Back on My B.S.

M@$#%F#%K%NWH$@K&#A&ZZ&#%& Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … OJ Da Juicy Juice Box Other Side of the Trap

I’m now convinced that OJ Da Juicy Juice Box is severely retardated..err, or speech impedimated..uh, or maybe just the doOpidest damn rap sambo to ever breav his Jewelry-cleaner-rankled breaf onto a studio mic… Seriously, this dude — Otis Williams —  has GOT to be one of the 7,456 most remedial-brainded humanoid beings on Earf who continues to be the #1 reason why I DON’T watch Yo Gabba Gabba or believe in the Georgia public school system. Ehh, and about this whack azz album..*Hol’Up*..Damn that… Back to OJ… ‘Yea?! OK?! Aye?! ..Aye?! OK?! OK?! Aye?!’ X 63/per track… annnnnnd NO. ONE. has tried to end this blither blabber’s life or forge his signature on Iraqi deployment papers?! …W…IN THEE…(UBER)F?!?! *LOGS OUT of LIFE…again*

Ciara Fantasy Ride

F.L.Y. (Fly Life Yungstaz) Jamboree

Cam’ron Crime Pays

Ace Hood Ruthless

Electrik Red How To Be A Lady, Vol. 1

Mims Guilt

Jim Jones Pray IV Reign

Marques Houston Mr. Houston

Bow Wow New Jack City, Pt. II

New Boyz Skinny Jeans & A Mic

“Dat’s My S**T!” CLUB BANGER of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Young Money “Every Girl”

It was OVER whenever: “I like a long haired thick red bOnEeE…” banged through the club speakers… Don’t trip, this was your shyt and had you ’bout to spill your $9 drink on the way to the dance floor to chant ’09’s most infamous hook obviously featured on the year’s most gratuitously misogynistic club banger…

KiD CuDi Feat. Common & Kanye “Make Her Say”

Roscoe Dash/Travis Porter Feat. Soulja Boy “All Tha Way Turnt Up”

The Clipse Feat. Pharrell “I’m Good”

Gucci Mane Feat. Plies “Wasted”

Soulja Boy Feat. Lil’ Wayne “Turn My Swag On” (Remix)

*Jamie Foxx Feat. T-Pain “Blame It” (Released in ’08. Blew in ’09)

Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Mario Feat. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett “Break Up”

*Wait, Hol’up… Now, I realize I’m leaving out the TRUE club heads so this next Award is dedicated to all my DREAD-DOMDED DOPE BOYS, SCABIES-SCARRED SKANKZOIDS, BUTTA-FACEDED BARBIES & EBT-CARD HOLDING 5-STAR/BALLERALERT.COM BISHES:

The CHRI’ JAWN’SA’ CLUB BANGER Award

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Waka Flocka Flame “OHLehDeWit”

Waka Flocka Wha?! …YES. Waka. Flocka. Flame. and he’s not a Fraggle, Muppet, or Snork nor has he ever lived underneath an umbrella tree or ‘come along’ with me & you to a place called Zoobilee Zoo…NOPE, dude is official… in the streets… especially in the Souf where he’s more popular in the schools than well-known ‘lames’ like Barack Obama or Oprah Winfrey… Sadly, it’s true… your son, daughter, brother or sister idolize/lust over/look up to some dude named ‘Waka Flocka Flame’ who’d rather chant “OHLehDeWit” throughout this ‘ratchet hood anthem’ than “Oh. let’s. do it.” like the rest of us bougeosie azz ‘educateds’ in the Black community… Ehh, but it’s cool though … *JerMajesty shrug* …

Young Jeezy “Trap or Die 2”

J. Futuristic Feat. Young Jeezy & Shawty Lo “First Name. Last Name” (Remix)

Roscoe Dash/Travis Porter Feat. Soulja Boy “All Tha Way Turnt Up”

Plies “Plenty Money”

State House “Crank Dat Roy”

Lil’ Ru “The Nasty Song”

Yo Gotti Feat. Gucci Mane, Trina & Nicki Minaj “5-Star Bish”

OJ Da Juicy Juice Box “Make Tha Trap Say Aye”

“Dat’s My S**T!” SEXY LADIES ANTHEM of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Bey “Single Ladies” (Rel.  in ’08. Blew in ’09)

*Hands mic to Mo’Nique* …damn, my bad *Hands mic to Mo’Nique* *Covers Ears* Mo’Nique: ‘B’yawn’ce…Sas’ha FIERCE…YAAAS… my bootyliciousSISTAH,CHILE…YOU…DID…THAAAAAAAAT…YAAAAAAS BABY YAAAAAAAAAAAS…etc.’ *10 min. later* Mo’Nique: ‘YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!’

Melanie Fiona “It Kills Me”

Drake “Best I Eva Had”

Trey Songz Feat. Fabolous “Say Aaah”

The-Dream “Rockin’ That Sh*t”

Timbaland Feat. Drake “Say Something”

Keri Hilson Feat. Weezy “Turnin’ Me On”

50 Cent Feat. Ne-Yo “Baby By Me”

Mario Feat. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett “Break Up”

Plies “Becky”

Chrisette Michele “Epiphany (I’m Leaving)”

N’Dambi “Can’t Hardly Wait”

Fabolous Feat. Drake “Throw It In The Bag (Remix)”

*DAMN. Hol’up..I know… ‘how IN THEE HELL am I, A DUDE, gonna present the Award for ‘SEXY LADIES ANTHEM’ of the year when my azz ain’t ee’een a, uh, SEXY LADY?!?’ …

*Tags in Brittney A.* … *OKGO!*

In 2009, ladies truly entered the world of disrespecting ourselves — elbowing each other in the club to be the first one with our “hands up” while parading around the room yelling: “All My Singles Ladies, All My Single Ladies” (Do you NOW realize how ridiculous that was?!), blaming your illicit actions on the alcohol: “Blame It on the Goose, Got Ya Feeling Loose” (*side-eye*), running around calling yourselves 5-Star bitches/Barbies and I won’t even get started on the clone-ism that Amber Rose & the babbling Nicki Minaj started this year.

Britney Spears and Whitney Houston held hands out of rehab to make a comeback and Alicia Keys showed us how to break up marriages and sleep our way to a # 1 record. The world (Black people) was/were introduced to Taylor Swift (thanks Kanye), Leona Lewis, Adele, Melanie Fiona, Sade’s much anticipated comeback and it still wasn’t enough to make us start respecting ourselves.

I would give anything to resurrect Michael Jackson and have him sing Pretty Young Thing (P.Y.T.) to all the ladies in 2009 especially those of us who rode to the beat of  everyone else’s drum this past year. So with all of the songs in the world that SHOULD have been the ‘SEXY LADIES ANTHEM’ in 2009, Maxwell’s “Pretty Wings” is the winner of my First Annual ‘BRITTNEY.’ Ladies, respect yourselves in 2010 and spread YOUR wings!

Brittney Anntionette is a brilliant young sista, poet & activist with her own positive movement promoting positive Black images. Follow her on twitter @ http://twitter.com/blackposimage.

*Hands Brittney bouquet of flowers & a ‘thank you card’* … *Tags back in*

Incense, Oils & Diet Green Tea Jam of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Joy Jones “The Joy”

I DARE you to blast this track every morning for, well, the rest of your life. No, really, I’m serious, and guarantee that this delightfully uptempo coffee spot-rocker will give you life even when your body, mind and spirit are drained by the rigors of the oft-depressing ebb & flow of everyday life…

Slakah The Beatchild Feat. Drake “Share”

Maxwell “Badhabits”

Mos Def Feat. Georgia Anne Muldrow “Roses”

DJ Spinna Feat. Shabaam Sahdeeq & Erik Rico “Melody”

Focus Feat. Phonte “Recession”

Jaspects Feat. Chantae Cann “Find My Way To Love”

India.Arie “Yellow”

Eric Roberson “The Newness”

Panty-DroppaWetta of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Trey Songz “Scratchin’ Me Up”

… ‘Wha?! “Scratchin’ Me Up?!’ … *scrambles for READY CD case* wait, that shyt ain’t on here!’ … Bwaa. DUH! …Please. Did you really expect Trey to feature his BEST songs on his actual album?! LOL. Uh, nawl… and, to be honest, this was the BEST song he dropped in’09 but you wouldn’t know that if you didn’t download his Anticipation Mixtape… Trust me Ladies, I’m on it because I’m tryin’ to be on you and recommend that all my Fellas add this ‘unreleased’ panty-drencher to the deluxe ‘Side-Piece Slow Mix” … Bwaa, no applause please… Thank you…

Robin Thicke “Sex Therapy”

Pleasure P “Let Me”

Jesse Boykins III “Pantyhose”

Day26 “Babymaker”

Eric Roberson “Weekend Getaway”

R. Kelly Feat The-Dream, Tyrese & Robin Thicke “Pregnant”

Jeremih Feat. R. Kelly “Birthday Sex” (Remix)

The-Dream “Put It Down/12-Play/Sweat It Out”

Urban Mystic “Throw It Back”

Guilty Pleasure Jam of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”

“RahrahahAhah!RomMahromMummAh! GaGa-oO-LaLa! Want your bad romance…” …Yea, it’s true: I F’N LOVE this song… well, ‘kinda’… In fact, most music lovers ‘kinda’ do… but will never publicly admit it to anyone other than themselves… Uhhh huh, I know, GoGo Gadgets’ a wacko-maniacal POP pariah BUT her sheer musical prowess + ear for catchy crossover records is undeniable …

KiD CuDi “Hyyerr”

Young Money “Ms. Parker”

Dorrough “Ice Cream Paint Job”

The-Dream “Take You Home 2 My Mama”

Day26 Feat. Yung Joc & Diddy “Imma Put It On Her”

OJ Da Juiceman “Make Tha Trap Say Aye”

Rihanna Feat. Young Jeezy “Hard”

Chris Brown “Sing Like Me”

Hook of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … RiRi “Run This Town”…SIKE! Bwaaahaaaa…… No, seriously, Trey Songz “Successful” …

I’m definitely not a MAJOR Trey-stan or music head with READY in heavy rotation but dude KILLED this hook which, to me, was also the most irritating cliché of ’09 … For once, I’ll give Trey credit for doing..uh, ‘something’ that actually pertained to making  ‘good music’ aka the music that he routinely avoids making …

Usher “Spotlight”

Dorrough “Ice Cream Paint Job”

T-Pain “Maybach Music 2”

Gucci Mane “Wasted”

Day 26 “Imma Put It On Her”

Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”

*Honorable Mention:

Mario “Break Up”

Melanie Fiona “Beautiful Bliss”

Day 26 “Imma Put It On Her”

KiD CuDi “Already Home”

Drake “Money To Blow”

Dorrough “Ice Cream Paint Job”

Yukimi Nagano “Feather” (Little Dragon Machine Dreams)

Rell “Rain” (Jim Jones Pray IV Reign)

John Legend “Magnificent”

Hurricane Chris “Halle Berry (She Fine)”

Avery Storm “Rich Off Cocaine”

Bobby Valentino “BEEP”

Hip-Hop/Rap Track of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Jay Electronica “Exhibit C”

Jay Electronica is officially THEE ILLEST Hip-Hop specimen in the universe and proved it with this insanely EPIC uber-banger that you will NEVER stop playing or gushing about to your fellow ‘music lovers’ who probably don’t know what IN DEE F@#% a Jay Electronica is, was… or could be… Believe me, “Exhibit C” is the cure to Hip-Hop’s deep-rooted cancer and will continue to convert frustrated Hip-Hop heads into Team: Electronica card holders until the N.O.-bred ‘extraterres with tourrettes’ finally drops his highly-anticipated debut album …

Wale Feat. Melanie Fiona & J.Cole “Beautiful Bliss” (Winner for ‘Collab of the Year’)

DJ Quik & Kurupt “9X Outta 10”

Joe Budden “Pray For Me”

Mos Def “Casa Bey”

Drake Feat. Trey & Weezy “Successful”

Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Joe Budden “Pray For Me”

Slaughterhouse Feat. Fatman Scoop “Onslaught, Pt. II”

*Jay Electronica “Dear Moleskine” (Winner for ‘Snippet of the Year Award’)

*Honorable Mention (Newly Released):

Reflection Eternal Feat. Jay Elec, J. Cole & Mos Def “Just Begun”

Black Milk “Keep Going”

Rock/POP Jam of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Passion Pit “The Reeling” (Google It. Thanks.)

I absolutely LOVE this damn record and you will too… that is, if you dig frenetically spunky Indie-Rock/POP with incredibly infectious hooks/quirky synth riffs… Trust me, this track goooooooooes…

Green Day “Know Your Enemy”

Daughtry “You Don’t Belong”

Little Dragon “Feather”

Kings of Leon “Use Somebody”

Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”

Michael Jackson “This Is It”

WRIST-SLITTER of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Justin Bieber “One Time”

Justin Bieber’s “One Time” makes me want to noose my OWN neck and nosedive off a tall tree branch into a shallow pond infested with blood-thirsty Jellyfish… *Drops mic & walks away*

“One Time” > Listening to Chris Brown recite the “Declaration of Independence.”

“One Time” < Watching a sing-off between Keri Hilson & Rihanna… judged by Ashanti.

“One Time” > Listening to A. Keys sing “Lift Every Voice & Sing” through Auto-Tune.

“One Time” > Watching a sextape starring Ricky Walrus & ‘Precious.’

“One Time” < Listening to KiD CuDi’s Man On The Moon: The End Of Day…on repeat.

Whitney Houston “I Look To You”

Jimmy Jones Feat. Bree Beauty “Na Na Nana Na Na”

Keri Hilson “Make Love”

India.Arie Feat. Dobet Gnahore “Pearls”

Mary J. Blige Feat. Drake “The One”

Angie Stone “Tell Me”

Alicia Keys “Love Is My Disease”

Ricky Walrus Feat. Trina “Face”

Song of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Jay Elec “Exhibit C” (Winner for ‘Best Hip-Hop/Rap Song)

Jay Electronica is the personification of innovation…and err, somewhat of a whimsical weirdo with a subtle edginess + beautifully surreal musical approach that only the most intellectual (of) ‘backpackers’/music connoisseurs will appreciate… To me, Jay Elec embodies everything fad-tattered ‘hipsters’ like KiD CuDi strive to be and proves, once again, that rappers from the ‘souf’ are more than just criminally coonish cash-fiends/reckless misogynists with painfully dinky-doink flows …

Mark my works. Jay Electronica is next.

Drake Feat. Trey & Weezy “Successful”

Drake “Best I Eva Had”

Jamie Foxx Feat. T-Pain “Blame It”

Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Little Dragon “Feather”

Maxwell “Pretty Wings”

Beyonce “Single Ladies”

*Honorable Mention:

Jaspects “The Polkadotted Stripes” (Winner for ‘Underground Song of the Year’)

ALEJANDRO’S CINEMATIC AWARDS

Movie of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … The Hangover

The Hangover. is. F.N. HILarious. That is all.

Star Trek

UP

Inglorious Basterds

District 9

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Ga’bage Movie ‘Picture Show’ of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Bruno Obsessed

If you liked this horribly-scripted, poorly-executed, terribly-acted (…and critically-clobbered) D-movie then you deserve to have your tonsils kicked into your thoughts (brain…duhhh) by Beyonce like the whacko stalker heffa does during the movie’s infamous “Me & my shaggedy weave-IS-bout-to-whoop-your-white-azz-for-trying-to-steal-MY’s-Hus-A-band-” scene that I’m sure we’ve all seen… and probably will never forget, as long as the double & ¼ threat attempts to be taken seriously as a *gasp* actress …

The Haunting of Connecticut

Next Day Air

Bruno

Paranormal Activity

“The Watchmen”

ALEJANDRO’S FASHION AWARDS

YAAAAS..BABY..YAAAAAAS…DO.THAT.SH*T. Award

“Boy Shorts”

Every woman needs to cook breakfast for their man…in their boy shorts…once a week.

“Minx Nails”

There’s nothin’ sexier than a creative woman with personality…and pretty ‘minxed’ nails.

“Nerd Glasses”

Some dudes prefer their ladies to be ‘video vixen sexy’ … I like mine ‘kinda nerdy sexy’

“Knit Berets”

I LOVE sophisticated Soul-sistas… and they’re usually rockin’ these when I meet them.

“Subtle Body Art”

This type of art is EXTRA-sexy especially when a woman has to ‘introduce’ them to you.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … “Embellished Tights”

*Big-ups to Miriam ‘The Street Stylist’ Bell for instructing all the ladies to cop a pair of these EXTRA-sexy leggings especially if they’re trying to attract good, educated brothas like me who love women in tights, or anything tight period. You’re definitely appreciated Miriam. God loves you. Check her out @ http://yourstreetstylist.blogspot.com/

PLE’..BABY..PLEEEEE’… STOP.NO…DAAAMN.DONT. Award

“Boyfriend Jeans”

A woman in baggy jeans is NOT SEXY… especially if they’re MY jeans.

“Marilyn Monroe Piercings aka Jewelry Boogers”

I have no idea why the prettiest women continue to poke holes in their faces.

“Baldy Femme-Hawk”

Cassie looked dumb as hell with this hairstyle… what makes you any different?!?

“XXL Body Art”

You don’t need to have Christ’s hands tatted from shoulder to elbow. Baby, we know you saved.

“Open Toe Boot Heels”

I’d like these better if they were hidden from big girls with swollen feet & fugly toes.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … “The Nicki Minaj Curly Weave Bang”

Ladies…stop it. Just…STOP…it. Please…DAMN… especially if you look like the pot-bellied ‘Troll Doll’ above whenever you attempt to RE-create Nicki’s gimmicky wig-hat in the dimly-lit bathroom of your rundown, slumdog-style apartment:

The Say Wha? Huh?!? Hol’Up, Wha?!Award

“…the long way…”

Yoooo, that’s my N#$&@… I F@X with him the long way …

“NO Bueno”

I see all ya’ll h*es rockin’ open toe stilletos with reinforced toe stockings. No Bueno.

“Googuh”

Who the F@#$ am I?! …Bish please, googuh me and check mah resume!

“…Keep it one hun’ded…”

Yo, did you smash the homey last nite when I was @ work?! Yo, forreal, keep it one 100!

“…Who gon’ check me boo?!”

So what, I got a buggy fulla damn groceries in the damn Express Lane..who gon’ check me boo?!

“Ratchet” (Formerly a Noun, now an Adjective)

Yo, dis me, come and get your ratchet azz kids from ova here… they tearin’ up my shyt!

Common N***Aisms: “Pacific”

Excruuuue me, but was there a pacific culla shoe you was lookin’ for?!

B) “Janyerry”

Dis my baby Quantavious… He a Aquarius juh’li’me… he was born Janyerry the 22^nd.

Common GUCCI-isms: “Might Don’t Make It”

“Rockstar lifestyle might don’t make it/Living life high, errrday clique wasted” O_0

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Common N*GGAisms: “Pacific”

Black People. WE MUST do better. That is all.

STFU FOR-EVER Award

Que (Formerly of Day26) during his infamous MTB4 coke-trip:

Que: “I need you to stop doing what you’re doing to me…”

Willie: “What am I doing to you?!?”

Que: “Nothing… but I need you stop doing what you’re doing to me!”

‘BAWSE’ in his OWN MIND: The BEAUTIFUL LIES of RICKY WALRUS:

A) “That’s why it’s always best to be 100 from the jump. Be real from the jump. People I show respect to ain’t got nothing to do with money and power and fame. I just keep it 100. It is what it is, and we gonna wait and see.”

*…says the ex-Corrections Officer who denied ever being employed by the South Florida Reception Center in Dade County where he earned a yearly salary of $25,794.34 that I’m sure was nickels & dimes compared to the ‘millions’ he was making part-time as a notorious ‘Drug Kingpin’ on the crack-flooded streets of Carol City.

B) “We dominate in every street market we’re thrown into, because we’re the truth, we’re real…There isn’t a Hollywood bone in our bodies. We make real music, because it’s real life for us, we’ve really been through it, we’ve survived it. Triple C’s holds promise for the future of rap music…”

*To date, Triple C’s have sold 11K copies of their debut Custom Cars & Cycles.

C)“He’s smart,” Rawse said about Eminem not addressing him and avoiding a rhyme battle. “That’s what I’m waiting for. That’ll be a gift — a great Christmas present for me. But y’all know what I think. I think everybody knows. It’s all ’hood, man. Shout-out to Mariah Carey, she needs to reach out to me. We could eradicate some things.”

*…Eminem never replied.*

D) “I feel like I’m competing for the throne. I feel like the fans and the people can see my hunger… They could know I’m not satisfied with just two #1 albums and selling 2 million records, or whatever I sold. I want more…”

*Ricky has never gone platinum. His latest release has only sold 379,810 records.

E) “That’s why New York City is in the position it’s in…I’m worth more to the black community than 50 Cent.”

*JerMajesty shrug*

Kanye West & Those Wordy Things Called Books:

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed,” West said. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.” … “I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life…”

Breezy’s Twitterific B*TCH-FIT

“I’m tired of this sh*t…. Major stores are blackballing my CD… Not stockin’ the shelves and lying to costumers. What the f*ck do I gotta do?! Yeah, I said it… and I ain’t retracting sh*t… I’m not biting my tongue about sh*t else… The industry can kiss my ass…” (Alejandro Transcription)

*AwWeE…PoeEe BaWwEy… I know… you were defending yourself from that psychotic azz whacko — who you ‘loved’ — the night her gorgeous face beat the hell outta your clenched fists (…until it was virtually unrecognizable…) and are now being unfairly victimized by every single human being on Earf who made you the superstar you are today… How DARE these judgmental azz people NOT buy 7, 8 or 10 copies of your hot new album! … smh …

The DEATH of Lindsey Lohan

*If you didn’t know, Lindsey Lohan was offered the role of ‘stripper Jade’ in The Hangover by Director Todd Philips to which she responded:

“It has no potential.”

*The role eventually went to Heather Graham and, well, the rest of history. The Hangover has raked in over $205 million domestically.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Que (Formerly of Day26)

Cocaine is a helluva drug… especially when you mix it with ritalin, meth, Robert’s jheri-swirl juice and talcum power like Que apparently did during the taping of MTB4 where he seemed to grow more insane, paranoid and feminine by the commercial break until Diddy finally handed him a fresh tampon & put him on timeout… Thanks for the memories Que. Day 26 won’t be the same without you.

N**** Moment of the Year

A) 27-year-old Latreasa L. Goodman dials 9-1-1 three times after ordering 10 more Chick’n MacNuhgguhs than McDonald’s had available. She was denied a refund and informed that all sales were final before offering this story to the police dispatcher:

“This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.” “This is an emergency.”

Goodman was arrested and charged by police with the “Misuse of 911 communications.”

B) Hundreds of finger lickin’ gizzard-fiends descend upon the only Popeye’s in Minnesota for the 8-piece $4.99 special before coonin’ THEE F@#% out when the manager refused to honor the deal. Rather than accepting this small defeat and bouncing to the next eatery with their dignity in tact, the thirsty deal-chasers shuckled onto the nightly news…and then to YouTube, in what seemed like a concerted effort to discredit decade-old stereotypes attached to “N*ggas & they’s Fried Chicken” … O_o …

C) Last year, star running-back LaGarrette Blount put the highly-ranked Oregon Ducks on his back en route to his best season at the major Pac-10 school where he rushed for over 1,000 yards and 17 touchdowns. He was a bona fied collegiate superstar expected to be drafted highly in the upcoming 2010 NFL Draft…that is, until he sucker punched Boise St. defensive end Byron Hout (Yes, he’s white) — who taunted the star running back after a tough loss — during ESPN’s nationally televised opener for the ’09 College Football season. Blount was subsequently suspended for the rest of the season (…until his coach later reinstated him on Nov. 14.)

D) After being called for a foot fault (foot fault = calling traveling on Jordan in his prime) during her semi-final U.S. Open match against Kim Clijsters, Serena Williams neck-rolls, snarls, snaps & rolls (…them hips) (Yuuuuua!) at the lowly line-judge in front of a globally-televised audience whose eyes and ears were glued to her every ‘menacing, angry Black woman’ movement. She later apologized for her ‘blow-up’ but was fined a record $82,500 by Grand Slam administrators.

E) Henny-smacked Hip-POPstar Kanye West crashes the VMA Awards stage during Taylor Swift’s ‘moment,’ snatches the mic from the cutesy POP star and boldly stamps Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” vid as one of the best ever in front of the entire galaxy in one of the most brutally ig’nant, obsessively lampooned & replayed POP culture moments of ALL-TIME. At that moment, Taylor Swift ascended into super-stardom while Kanye ascended even further into the POP stratosphere as the ‘biggest, most hated ASS HOLE on the planet.”

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Sheree V. Anthony (RHOA, Episode I)

There they were, two grown azz niglets — ‘fashion designer’ Sheree Whitfield & ‘Top-Level Party Planner Executive’ Anthony Shorter’ — squabbling on National TV like two jealous little girls in a teen club over the details of Sheree’s ridiculous ‘Divorce Independence Celebration.’ Sheree snapped at Anthony…even threatened to call ‘Pookie & ’nem for back-up. Anthony snapped back at Sheree…with an extra-sweet neck-wiggle. Sheree called Anthony a b*tch. Anthony called Sheree’s mama a b*tch. And, remember, these were two ‘parents’ in each other’s face, fighting, in one of the ugliest ‘Black TV moments’ ever that also gave us the most popular catchphrase of ’09: “Who gon’ check me boo?! …aka “Who’s going to check me boo?!” (White people RE-mix… shout out to ALL my white people!)

*Hol’up, damn, I’m SO rude…have ya’ll met my eBoo #2?! Her name is Luvvie and she’s the bomb dot com one of my FAVORITE people on Earf… right now..err, or on ‘the twitta.’ Yes, she gives ME LIFE…which is why she’s here to present the “HoSh!T of the Year Award”*

*Tags in Luvvie … OKGO!*

The “HoShit Award of the Year” goes to someone who has engaged in so much Hosh!t that they need to have a condom brand named after them. This HoSh!t ain’t the good kind though. The people in this category get the *side-eye*.

Tiger Woods

This negroblasian had like 26 mistresses, and had the nerve to leave trails. He’s a bold mama jamma. Plus his HoSh!t resulted in a car accident after this wife found out. DRAMA

’Lil Wayne

This fool has never seen a prophylactic he liked. Obvious by him being the father of ghetto twins (children born the same year to the same father, different mother). I don’t know who his sex ed teacher was but they failed. He missed that class period where they used a banana to show how to put a condom on. WHOMP.

…And the “LUVVIE” goes to … BOTH. Wait, no. They BOTH lose.

Luvvie is the Award-winning uber-blogger behind “Awesomely Luvvie” (http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com) where she roasts, rants, clowns, WallSlides, Blogs, Slays hoes and rocks the Red Pump @redpumpproj. Follow her on twitter @ http://twitter.com/LuvvieIG.

*Makes out with Luvvie* … *wipes mouth* … *tags back in*

Golden O_0 Award

“Save-A-N@#%@ Theater”: Sa’ME.. Ple’ Massah Ple’

Rather than providing 40 acres & a mule to every African-American family as promised by the U.S. Government, major Hollywood studios force-feed the public with overly-fluffy, golden-hearted melo-dramaticas centered around wonderfully charitable white characters who make it their business to ‘save’ downtrodden Blacks & other minorities from the ugly realities of their everyday hood struggles.

Yep, I call these worthless movies “Save-A-N@#$@ flicks” because they make it clear that poverty-stricken Blacks can only be successful if they’re ‘saved’ by kind-hearted whites determined to save them… Sadly, most Americans are stone-cold suckers for these culturally deceptive films and flock to the theaters to support them as a way, I guess, to support ‘US,’ and show ‘US’ that they DO ‘care’ about ‘US’  to the point that they’d save ‘US’ too if they could.

*Hollywood’s latest “S-A-N flick” The Blindside has grossed over $184 million.

DJ Lance Rock Yo Gabba Gabba & Ya DON’T STOOOOOOOOOOOP

There’s NO ONE on TV more frightening than Lady GaGa DJ Lance Rock or the mentally-deranged teletubby-incestuoids who inhabit Gabbaland. I’m sorry. DJ Lance Rock is a potent coke-trip in motion and probably sniffed Bill Cosby’s Mortimer-Ichabod-Markers, puffed Yogi & BooBoo’s Pica’nic basket purp and downed several glasses of the Gummi Bear’s  ‘secret’ Gummiberry juice when he was younger. Dude is GaGa-freaky, Circus clown-scary and Tigger-hyper all at the same time. Yea, he seems ‘nice’ …uh, in a ‘to catch a predator’ kinda way, and definitely would’ve had my ashy azz shivering in my mama’s bosom every night had he been hippity-hop boppin’ across my TV when I was growing up. Before you judge me for despising DJ Lance Rock, ask yourself one question: Would You Leave Your Child Alone With This Man?!

Brainwashed ‘Barbie’-girls in a SAD AZZ ‘Barbie’ World

Ladies. Stop. The. Madness. There is NOTHING sexy, positive or uplifting about being a skank-hearted ‘Barbie.’ You look… and sound… dumb whenever you express interest in being one. You look even dumber when you step out in public as one. And you’re dumb. As. Hell. if you expect sensical people to acknowledge that you’re, indeed, one. Grow THEE F@#$ up…please. Nicki Minaj doesn’t give a DAMN about you, your curly bang wig-hat or your brand new booty pads… and only pretends to be a ‘Barbie’ because the greedy white execs at Universal force to her to be one. DUH. ‘Barbies’ are copped, collected, played wit & discarded. Remember that.

*And ‘LEH’ME-SHO’-U-SUHPTUNN’ else, Nicki Minaj sounds like “Fire Marshall Bill” when she spits. Bwaaa, melt slow Plastic Face.

“Skids” & “Mudflap”: Rollin’ with the HOMEEZ

Transformers II topped most ‘Worst of ’09’ lists, not because it lacked the over-the-top action, explosions or super-sized ‘Rock ’em Sock ’em robots-style action’ that its fanbase expected, but because it was loaded with corny dialogue, gaping plot holes and seemingly never-ending racial stereotypes that jumped out of the movie screen in the form of “Skids” & “Mudflap” — two illerate, slang-spittin’ ‘Hip-Hop-Bots’ that were nothing more than “Man-Tan” & “Sleep-N-Eat” disguised in robot costumes.

“Skids” had a shiny gold-toofes…yea, like the one “Jerome” rocked on Martin and constantly bickered, shuckled and bumbled with “Mudflap” (one actually threatened to ‘bust a cap in the other’s ass’) through painfully irrelevant scenes with no purpose or link to the actual story before Director Michael Bay took the CoonBot experience to another level during a pivotal scene where the Autobots needed them to read their ‘language’ (…to save Optimus Prime) to which they lurched backwards in horror and responded: “Uh, we don’t do too much readin’,”

… O_0 …

But, then again, these characters weren’t ‘racist’ or essentially just ‘Black stereotypes’ (‘…because white people & other ethnic groups also speak in slang and rock gold teeth…’ o_O) according to some educated Black folks I know… but Jazz ‘The Breakdancing’ Autobot (Transformers 1) and Jar Jar Binks ‘The mush-moufded’ alien (Star Wars: Episode I, II, III) somehow were … O_0 …

Attack of DEE KILLA U.S. POLO AssASSins.

Fellas. U.S. Polo Assn. T’s cost $14.99 at Marshall’s, TJ Maxx, Sears and Ross, but some of you are determined to stunt in these new-age CH(eap)A(zz)P(olo)S(hirts) like they’re official Polo shirts. They’re not. Trust me, I see you everyday with them tucked in & buttoned to the top like you copped it from the high-end Polo Store. C’mon son. REAL men wear REAL Polo. BING! And we rock it for a reason…why?!…because we dig the cut, ladies love Polo and the T’s never shrink or fade when washed. If you can’t afford it, rock plain polos… or, just… stick to your usual ‘urban wear,’throwback jerseys, Promo shirts or Nautica products. Thanx — Management.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Kidz Bop Kids Kidz Bop 16

What would you do if your 8-year-old’s teacher called you and said: ‘JeMarius couldn’t control himself today during recess…He. Had. A. Fit…and wouldn’t leave Jemia alone. He was hitting her, throwing sand in her hair and even asked her how she could be so heartless?!’ WHAT?! No, wait… WHAT?! …YES, Heartless (…at 8-years-extra-young and un-puberty-bitten), which also happens to be Track #9 on the latest edition of a KBK series that specialized in ‘kiddizing’ harmless POP hits before ’09 when they hit the Chuck E. Cheesesters with grown-er, sexi-er anthems like “Halo,” “If I Were A Boy” “Boom Boom Pow” and “Live Your Life”  … O_0 …

Seriously, “Live… Your… Life?!” WHAT… LIFE?! …these KIDS are fresh-baked! …they’re STILL… NEW, here… on Earth… I WISH ‘’Lil JeMarius WOULD tell me and my lovely wife to chill out and let him “live HIS life” …Believe me, that would be the last day of his fresh little life… Bet that… (j/p … well, kinda…)

EPIC FAIL of the Year

Hurricane Chris Performs “Halle Berry” for La. Congress… in his best Easter suit.

What the hell does Halle Berry bein’ fine have to do with re-building levees & homes?!

BET’s Infamous Tribute-less “Michael Jackson Tribute”

Only Debbie Lee would green-light a “MJ Tribute” with. NO. Tribute. (“How dreadful”)

Chris Brown’s Crisis Management Team’s Management Crisis

Excuse me, but, your client was charged with assaulting his superstar girlfriend. Why does he have an “Opps!” chain on…in public?!

Drake Makes National Debut during BETs..on a Bar Stool..with tweenies on-stage.

Soo, nothing seemed wrong about this… not even the underaged girls on-stage part?!

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Lil’ Mama’s EPIC Stage Crash

…Bless ’Lil Mama’s heart, I. Mean. DAMN, that ballsy little fellow’s BOLD and has a heart the size of ten Khloe Kardashian jaw-lines… I get it, she wasn’t content with her status as the third most ignored judge on the hottest dance show in America (ABDC) probably because the show only focused on, well, dancing aka something she’s never seriously done in her own career (…even though she would’ve been the perfect ‘feminine’ complement to Fredro & Kel on Dance 360 … ‘Tag-Ya-Man’… ‘Tag-Ya-Man’… L-L-Lil’ Mama… ‘T-T-Tag-Ya-Man’) …

Believe me, I’ve heard your explanation: ‘it was the adrenaline’ (…err, or heightened levels of testosterone) fueling your shamefully-executed ‘NY big-up’ even though WE all know it was your inner thirsty-as-hell-ness to be a world-famous A-lister that led you to uber-FAILdom, which is why I recommend that your face be stamped on failing papers by school teachers for the rest of your now irrelevant existence.

…Bwaa, but thanks again Lil’Mama… for inspiring the youth to be the best, most EPIC failures we can be… In fact, after I watched you epically failing on stage in front of 70 zillion Earthlings, I knew that, I too, could crash my favorite star’s set and even grope pole dancers mid-dance without being beaten into a Halo by security because you, my newly extra-lame G-Lister, made EPIC failures COOL in ’09…

This has been another Alejandro production.

“It’s quite amazing that you rhyme write how you do and that you shine like you grew up in a shrine in Peru…” — Jay Electronica (Alejandro RE-mix)

THANK YOUs

I’d first like to thank everyone for their support, comments and feedback this year especially Erin Z. & the good folks at EMQ…Rahiem Shabazz & the good folks at Rashaentertainment.com/Globalgrind.com…Luvvie, MEIK, Thembi, Shakeeta, Brittney for replying to my tweets/mail/e-mails ASAP…Toya Ransom, Shawnnell B., SIMP, Jervel S., Paige, Tara Conley, A. McNair, Alexis F., Erica C., Jamie M., Candace M., Janell, J. Billops, Tiff G., ’Kell, Brad, Teddy, J.R., Kim S., Muck, DeHonor E., Briandria H., Tamysha N., BIG K, Kandis D., Quado C., BeeBoo, Melvin R., Bow Wow, Lawrence C., Shanell W., Akoto A., Jonathan W., Jamar H., Talia B., Jessica D., J. Ingram, Delano M., Al Bumz, Moose, Whiz, Big Cell, Bouchie, Paula O., Erika Katrese, Mia McDonald, Tahlia G., Aliya S. King, Tamika C., Linda H., Stacy A., A.P.T., Tank, Steve, Shaka, Tawana D., Carah H., Carter, Todd, Que Derek, Big Steve, Demetrius P., Prof. Wood for your input, tough love & unrelenting support.

I’d also like to thank everyone who I QUIT…or who QUIT me…this past year: Oneyah D., Chidi O., Cornbeef & Hashley, Alexis G., Latoya L., Sneha M., Davida, Adia, Tiffany W., Ambria B., Laura G., Mellisa M., Tameka T., Nefertequa & Ashley S..etc. I wish yall the BEST.

Happy New Year Everyone. HATAZ…keep hatin.’ LOVERS…keep loving. Grinders…Keep Grindin.’ Follow me @ http://twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8.