OFFICIAL POST-GRAMMY Awards ‘10 ANTI-Recap (SPECIAL Edition WITH Pictures)

February 2nd, 2010 | By Alejandro Ford

The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards could’ve should’ve been EPIC… err, or THEE MOST EPIC Award show that we’ve EVER seen… this decade — all 31.7 days of it —  BUT, it wasn’t…and somehow EPICALLY FAILed…miserably…during an O__o-worthy series of terribly anti-climactic, (NAATS)-wrecked events — dipped in Beycepticon lacefont gelly with a splash of aerial amniotic fluid (….courtesy of Pink’s leaky vajayjay-mus’cles) — on a nite where the oompa loompa-minded Recording Academy managed to get NOTHING right & EVERYthing DEAD. WRONG …

*(NationalAssocationfortheAdvancementofTaylorSwift)

…And with that said, I’m bout to GO IN …

Teddy Pain TIGHTY WHITE-Pants, 1865 ‘We’s At War’ Foxx & ‘Special’ Guest

Last nite, I made the following statement after Jamie Foxx’s ‘sister’ — who ‘supposedly’ has ‘Down’s syndrome’ — strutted onto the stage and broke into a Beyonce hip-swirl matrix back-bend 8-count maneuver…ALL in one swift, fluid motion:

“PREEEEEEECIOUS’ …Getcho AZZ BACK in this DAMN ‘PARTTTTMENNNT’ …WHATCHU doin on DAT Grammy STAAAAGE?!” …

Most people laughed while a few self-righteous soap-boxers criticized my obviously ‘ANTI-Special Needs divas dancing on Awards Stages’ comments (Uh, OKKK) even though MOST of us thought she was either Mia X, ‘Gabby’ from Precious or some random backstage bopper thirsty for her OWN infamous Lil’ Mama ‘moment’…

Bwaa…BLACK PEOPLE KILL ME with this ‘WE can laugh at some… but NOT at others INsanity’ …People. She was ON-STAGE. Dancing…in rhythm. On National Televison. With her OWN entrance music/special spot on the stage. I HIGHLY doubt that she’s a sympathetic ‘special needs’ case in need of specialized medical attention.

Believe me, I’ve seen Down’s patients and she didn’t ‘move’ like someone who was mentally/physically crippled…at all. If anything, she’s the most physically gifted ‘special needs’ case I’ve EVER seen…in LIFE…if that’s the box you so choose to drop her in …

Either way, she KILLED it…along with Jamie (…and his Southern U. Drum Major uniform/Civil War-themed Glory costume) and Teddy Pain TIGHTY WHITE-Pants who struggled to move in his coke white suit pants that would’ve fit perfectly 15 years ago…when he was 9 years old ….

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

*The-Dream killded ’em (O__O) with Pepto-Bismol errrrthang and a splash of Presidential Jet-Black thus proving that only REAL cabbage patch doll-faced men rock pink formal suit jackets…in public… 4 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 5

Rockin’ with MC Fergy McFerg-Breaf & MC Nicks McPlastic-Cootch

I don’t know what’s more wrist-slash worthy: A Fergie 16/ vocal run sans Peas or a full-length Nicki Minaj track sans Weezy & Drake…Yea, it’s TRUE: Ferg-breaf & Plastic-cootch drip with undeniable sex-appeal… BUT they’re also two of the whackest FEMME-Cs to ever smear MAC lip gloss on the mic… Honestly, I’d rather hear Ferg-breaf double-dutch with the beat like she did during the Grammy’s than Plastic-cootch regurgitate Weezy/Drake’s throwaway lyrics… Sorry Nicki, but you, to me, will ALWAYS sound like a cutesy-voiced ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ when you spit… ‘LEH’ME-SHO’-U-SUHPTUNN’ … ‘LOOK AHT DHA ROOHF…SEE!… ASBESTOS! … smh … FCUK OUTTA HERE! …

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

Lady GaGa SHUT DOWN the red carpet with an intergalactic Jellyfish-inspired cocktail dress covered with quirkily bedazzled fallopian tubelettes … 5 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 5 …

A Brief Note TO MZ. Keri F. BAYBEEEEE…

…Now I know you’re still pouting/lame-tweeting about being snubbed, yet again, for a ‘prestigious’ music-related Award, so I penned this note to cheer you up on this gloomy Monday afternoon. Enjoy:

REAL artists/musicians/composers are the only people who win REAL/somewhat important AWARDS which is why you’ve yet to win anything worth celebrating other than a few BETs/AMAs better known as ‘the dusty shiny sh*ts in your garage’ that only your thirstiest of stans care about… Face it, your vocal cords HATE you…and will NEV-ER function the way you desperately want them to no matter how tight you scrunch your bootee cheeks together when you ‘sing’ …In my eyes, your golden pen will ALWAYS outshine your disrespectful azz vocal cords…BUT, I still LOVE you nonetheless — even though you refuse to put the mic down and take five steps back — and will continue to download your music support your steadily-growing POP&B movement… Keep your head up BOO…GAWD definitely loves YOU…

Love,

-Me

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

George Clinton rocked a deluxe Beauty Supply bag worth of Beyonce’s leftover lacefront pieces dyed with melted crayon sauce/acrylic paint chips… 2 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 4 …

Skankzoid Ciara: When Fresh Goodies Go Stale

…smh… POE’ baaaaawwwy…DAMN…what happened to you and your once promising career as a vocally UN-talented Aaliyah-reboot with tip-worthy cootch-twerking abilities?! …Seriously, EVERYone wanted your now extra-stale goodies before you fed them to Bow Wow you stuffed uber-whack albums inside KFC chicken buckets… FOR FREE… and rocked sluttish see-through negligee pajama sheer pantlettes fugly bust-it-baby seductional side-piece onesies…for pro ballers, Wacka Flocka & Plies ONLY during MAJOR Awards shows like the Grammys… PLEASE CieCie…rebuke this inner-skanzoid, STOP clapping your bootee cheeks to the beat for your underaged fans…in concert and work your way back to the TOP of the POP&B game…instead of festering inside its crust-slicked arse crack…

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

Gen. Larry Platt is officially the wealthiest/brokest homeless dude/War Vet/EX-Civil Rights Activist on the block/your TV screen who gloriously ascended into utter COONdom after brandishing a multi-colored assortment of swap meet-variety belts during the Grammy Pre-Show without realizing that the joke was actually on him…and will remain that way until he and his played-out ANTI-saggy pants anthem gooo thaaaat a’wayyyyyy …

(Wha?) ’Clef: Wait, So THIS Is The Man We’re Trusting Our Relief Money With?!

Wyclef. You’re NOW a globally-adored HERO who everyone respects and admires for your philanthropic efforts in Haiti despite your Yele Org’s supposed ‘funny math’ practices. The world listens whenever you speak/offer suggestions as to how we can provide aid to your beloved country… BUT damn, what in THEE HELL were you rambling about last nite during the Grammys?!

…Seriously ’Clef, was it the ‘cheeba cheeba (yall)?!’ …nerves? ..a combo of both?! …NONE?! …or the absence of a coherent, pre-written statement via notebook paper that made you look so woefully unprepared?! …O___O … “And I wanna shout out my wife, she’s Haitian too…” O__o … Er, Wha?! …Uhh.. but, that had NOTHING to do with the message that you COULD HAVE given but ultimately failed to deliver without the threat of the swift-fingered Grammy orchestra musically ushering you off-stage… Damn ’Clef, trust me, we’re ALL on Team: Haiti but that, sir, was simply unacceptable …

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

Melanie Fiona rocked her bestest, most grandest evening gown like she was attending President Obama’s FIRST President’s Day Black Tie $500/plate Formal Gala inside the Presidential Ballroom of the White House … 5 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 5 …

Taylor Swift: The Luckiest Artist  in POP Culture History…other than Rihanna

Well kids, ‘wronged’ white people ALWAYS WIN… especially when they’re ‘wronged’ by those who look just. Like. ‘US.’ … *Kanye Shrug* …Yea, OK…Taylor had a hit (“Fairytale”) before ‘Kanye The Black-hearted Negro’s’cold-blooded mic-snatch seen’t ’round the world BUT she wasn’t one of Barbara Walters’ ‘most fascinating people’ or even a ONE-time Grammy winner until she was Kanye’d on National TV with all eyes on her, ’Ye and the infamously ‘disputed’ VMA Award… Please. DEAD this ‘she earned it’/it’s Country music’s time BULL shiiiiiiet and accept that her success was nothing more than a media manufactured ‘reparational career boost’ designed to right a globally-frowned upon wrong…Should Taylor have thanked Kanye for her instant superstardom during the Grammys?! …Probably not, but she definitely should’ve (privately) thanked the exiled Hip-POP star for the ‘opportunity’ to be something she’s clearly NOT as evidenced by her tone-deafded, flat-noted ‘coming-out’ performance during the Grammys… o__O … * Kanye Shrug* …

*Coming SUMMER 2014: Taylor Swift’s ‘Fantasy Rise to Superstardom’ bio-flick BLIND-SIDED starring Flex Alexander as ‘Kanye’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson’ as ‘Taylor’ …

BEHOLD the MIGHTY BEYONCE BEYBOTNIK: QUEEN of POP&B

Beyonce Beybotnik… You know I LOVE you  … right?! … No, seriously, I truly dig your Earf-stopping vocals, gorgeous hammer toes high-end lacefronts (…made from 3,000 finely-plucked Fabio hairs), overall lack of humanistic qualities/rational emotions and unique ability to pay tribute to other artists by covering their hits during MAJOR Awards shows without ever inviting them to cover their own songs with you …

…But, then again, that’s why you rock thee, uhhhh, errrr…thee, uhh, urban contemporary Techo-POP&B crown?! and strutted onto the Grammy stage with the same leather-clad-Cobra Commander collective that tried to murk Michael Jackson in Moonwalker like you were about to perform “Video Phone” with the intensity of 10 make-believe Sasha Fierces before stunning us all with the whackest, most frenetically unfocused performance of your career an edgy POWER-BALLAD (“If I Were A Boy (Rock Mix”)/Alanis tribute…with NO Alanis that was easily the fifth or sixth most talked about performance of the nite!

…It’s cool though Bey, I’m sure you were exhausted from winning every Pre-Grammy Awards Grammy earlier and deserve a call from Etta James to congratulate you on winning a Grammy for your flawless performance of the classic (“At Last”) song that you made famous in your own mind she’s famous for making famous… It’s only right… despite her understandable unrelenting bitterness toward your invitation to the White House by the Obamas to perform her classic during the Inauguration festivites…

…Nonetheless, you BEYTIZED a classic and made your stans swoon when you finally admitted to having a living, breathing ‘husband’ …whom you love… Whether you were talking to or about your trifling azz bodyguard you’ve been creepin’ with Jay-Z, we’ll never know mainly because you never say said love, Jay-Z and husband in the same sentence nor do did you thank your new God who was sitting right next to you during the Awards during your acceptance speeches… BUT I’m certain GAWD knows your heart which is why I salute you — Beyonce Knowles — as one of the greatest most blatantly unoriginal, criminally contrived singers of our POP-diseased, Beycepticon-invaded generation. *Four fingers to the forehead* … Thank you. Goodnite.

Bey: “Youuu’s came into my’s house...and slept with my husband … yooou’s touched my’s sista's only chile … you’s think you’s cra’see … I’mma shows you CRA’SEE!”

'...Where didja come from...where didja gooooooooooooooooooo...where did you come from Cotton Eye Jooooooooooooooe ...'

... Mid-air ovulation > Your LIFE ...

GaGa is a SUPASTAR ... Her opening performance was definitely the dopest of the nite ...

This has been another Alejandro presentation.

M.I.A. ... WE LOVE you ...