ALEJANDRO’S SEMI-ANNUAL AWARDS: (Half)Year Honors.
June 23rd, 2010 | By Alejandro Ford
(2010) ÷ (2) hasn’t put the C in coonery, R in ratchetness or F in F@%#%y—yet—like ’09, but it’s definitely been a ‘LaMiltonous’ play cousin to the ‘most tragedy-tattered, HATE-smathered, scandal-splattered year, maybe EV-ER.’
So far, this year, Drake DeBarge made EMO-Hip-POP&B cool, ‘Book of Bieber’ > Book of Eli, Tiny, Toya & ’Tasia’s ‘negro dialect’ was Harry Reid-approved, Betty White’s awesomeness earned her eternal life, Ms. Badu’s mighty donk meat scarred white kids for life, Brandy’s lacefront > Chris Brown’s bowtie, Boondocks pushed kids to get up, get out & do ‘hood rat stuff,’ Gilbert was dumb-‘Tiger’ was dumber & ‘Big Ben’ was thee dumbest,VH1’s ‘UNmarried Wives’ > Bravo’s ‘homeless-housewives,’ Keri’s vocal chords finally packed their sh*t & left..with Mo’Nique’s inside voice & Dream’s neck and, yes, BP misused & abused Mother Earth like her name was Kat Stacks. (etc.)
And with that said, I’ll hit [STOP] on the Intro and [START] on the Awards.
Golden O_o Award.
KanyeGate: Taylor Swift’s Incredible Nite…Winning Other People’s Grammy’s.
Well kids, ‘wronged’ white people ALWAYS WIN (See: Sandra Bullock) especially when they’re ‘wronged’ by those who look just like US (See: Elin Woods). Yea OK, Taylor had a hit or two (“Fairytale”) before ‘Kanye The Black-Hearted negro’s’ cold-blooded mic-snatch seen’t ’round the world but she wasn’t one of Barbara Walters’ ‘most fascinating people,’ Time’s ‘100 Most Influential People’ or even a ONE-time Grammy winner until the now legendary KanyeGate.
I mean, let’s be real, Carrie Underwood (who really should be the face of Country/Pop) is to Beyonce as Taylor Swift is to Beyonce’s ashy left pinky toe. Yea, I said it, and feel like the Pop Gawds failed humanity by not pressing [Vocal Chords OFF] during Taylor’s terribly-tone-deafded Grammy’s performance that was later defended by her label. o__O.
Nominees:
Uber-corny Rap break, Niki Scherkerznjzer cameo & J.Bieb/Miley vocals = ‘WATW 25’
Beyonce’s ‘Haiti, I can see your Halo’ (Haiti Telethon RE-interpolation Mix).
Why Did I Get Married Too?’s ENDING: Janet Vs. Captain Crust Lipz (Malik Yoba)
McKEE DEEZ ‘N@#$%Z be shuckin, jivin & RAPPIN’ son’ Ad Campaign.
Kobe Bryant’s ‘Draketrosexual’ photoshoot for Vanity Fair.
‘Wait, Wha?!’ Award
BP’s Gaffe-Machine CEO Tony Hayward Officially Joins ‘Eternal Infamy Club.’:
“I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest.”
(umm, then he said this: “We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their (people affected by disaster) lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back.”)
At this point, I don’t need for my Commander-in-Chief to be calm, respectful and patient while ‘finding out whose ass to kick’ mid-oil spill crisis. NO. I NEED him to go ALL.DEE.WAY.OFF, DAMMIT! ..and breaketh his foot in BP’s azz (Damn an ‘ass kick’), with Tony Hayward being first in line.
Yea, Obama’s my dude, my role model, my inspiration but this ‘soft, wait-and-see’ shxt is killin’ me. I need more aggression, outbursts and scowls during his press conferences. Dammit, I just need him to start acting like “Crazy Joe Clark” by chaining the White House doors and treating these heartless (BP) bastards like they go to Eastside High School. *slides Obama mama’s old Louie Slugga*
Nominees:
Diddy crowns Ricky ‘The N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S. W.A.L.R.U.S.’ ‘Biggie of the South’
Queen Bee Lil’ Kim/Queen Barbie Nicki Minaj BEEF over UNpaid homage.
Teeny’s (infamous) over-dramatical cell phone conversation with Fantasia.
Drake’s Thank Me Later punchlines.
Ron Artest’s post-Championship-winning shoutouts to his ‘hood’ & ‘Psychiatrist.’
N*gga Moment of the (Half)Year
Gen. Larry Platt Cranks That ‘FREED SLAVE’ on American Idol.
I’ve never questioned who Sweet Baby Jezuz issued ‘15-min. of fame’ cards to until stone-cold-crackhead-coon Larry Platt gloriously ascended into utter COONdom during America’s most popular show American Idol.
There he was, an ex-civil rights activist/War-Vet, slowly erasing his golden legacy like an ’ole azz Ex-FAMU Drum Major trying to prove ‘he’s still got it’ at the Homecoming game. O_O. However, unlike most ’60s-scarred old heads who actually know when to SAT their azz down, brotha Platt didn’t give a DAMN and WENT SMOOV OFF on National TV.
He dipped, sambo-bopped and popped (while sangin’ his ‘numba-wun-sangle’) in ways that would’ve made Rosa Parks politely collect her belongings and move to the back of her bus had she known we’d be stuck on this ‘Stepin Fetchit’ shxt three decades later. *Sleep‘N’Eat slide…and shrug*
Nominees:
*No other nominees were even considered. Carry on.
Fashion WIN
‘Rompers’ aka ‘New-Age Onesies’
There’s nothin’ more chase-worthy than a ‘nerdy quirky sexy’ woman with pretty natural tresses, toes and eyes who effortlessly rocks the trendy ‘new-age Onesies’ known as ‘Rompers.’
‘Rompers’ are easily one of my favorite fashion fads (and I HATE fashion fads) usually worn by cutesy petite/sweetly voluptuous women with brilliant ‘accessorization’ skills & a wildy-creative fashion edge. They’re cool, chic, upgrade-able (or downgrade-able) and often showcase a woman’s best physical features (Niiice). YES ladies, it’s official: ‘Romper’s = Alejandro-approved.
Fashion FAIL
Summer-Ready Feet MINUS pinky toenails *Back by popular demand.
As a part of my ‘Summer Side-Eye Guide,’ I informed ladies worldwide that it was no longer acceptable to showcase Ming Lee’s finest toenail art with missing pinky toenails and recommended ‘Tiny Sized’ Chiclets to replace the decrepit & gone with the fresh & new. (See: Directions below)
Directions:
A) Remove matching toenail-colored Chiclet from package with tweezers. B) Carefully dip Chiclet in ACME super glue/liquid cement. C) Gently slide Chiclet into naked pinky toe nail nub with tweezers. D) Allow Chiclet to rest for 2-4 hours.]
Best Movie
How To Train Your Dragon 3D was the most wonderfully-entertaining film of the year until Toy Story 3D easily made every other movie irrelevant. So, umm, I’ll just call it a tie between the witty toys & Emo-dragons since I really don’t feel like RE-doing the art for this Award. Thanks for understanding. 
Nominees:
Iron Man 2
Alice in Wonderland 3D
Date Night
Whackest Movie
Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too? The Preacher’s Kid
I’m sorry—but—I nearly asked for my $1 back (yea, it was $1 theater nite) after suffering through this insanely-nonsensical, poorly-acted, woefully-predictable ‘chuuch folk melodrama’ that made me roll my eyes, suck my teeth and sigh heavily more than I ever have during KANG Perry’s most utterly unbearable flicks.
Trust me, Jezuz was NOT pleased with this epically fail-riddled ‘Tyler Perry tribute’ nor did he ever bless LaToya Luckett & Tank with the ability to ‘act’ as evidenced by their painfully-awful scenes together. O_O.
Nominees:
Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too?
Nightmare on Elm Street 2.0
Get Him To The Greek
Best Album
Janelle Monae The ArchAndroid
Twenty-five years ago, strange made love to weird on Planet X and conceived an incredibly-talented love spawn named Janelle Monae who (recently) dropped one of the most whimsically-brilliant, delightfully-nostalgic albums I’ve ever heard, and can’t stop playing.
The album? ArchAndroid, which innovatively blends Nu-ElectroSoul, Synthy-Funk, Jazzy R&B & ’80s-Pop throughout 18 rewind-worthy tracks (See: “Faster” below). Believe me, this is an instant classic, 2010’s Album of the Year and a MUST-COP for anyone who claims to ‘love’ music or complains that ‘real music’ is dead.
Nominees:
Erykah Badu New Amerykah Part Two (Return of the Ankh)
The Roots How I Got Over
Broken Bells Broken Bells
Dopest Hip-Hop Song
Pac Div “Here We Go”
I haven’t heard a record this emotionally-haunting in a minute. It’s gritty, deeply-introspective and bangs like it was born in ’94. World…Pac Div…Pac Div…World. That is all.
Nominees:
Method Man, Raekwon & Ghostface “Our Dreams”
Lupe Fiasco “I’m Beamin”
The Roots Feat. Phonte, Blu & Patty Cash “The Day”
Dopest R&B/Soul/Pop Song
Janelle Monae “Faster”
THIS.IS.MY.JAM..and should be yours too. Like, rite now!.
Nominees:
Erykah Badu “Gone Baby, Don’t Be Long”
Raheem DeVaughn Feat. Wale “The Greatness”
Will.I.Am Feat. Thugnificent “D*ck Ridin’ Obama”
José James Feat. Jordana De Lovely “Love Conversations”
Whackest Album
Plies Goon Affiliated
On Goon Affiliated gnome-sized skankzoid-magnet Plies boasts that his goons could bring him ‘BEN LADDEN’ (“Whatever I Say”), gushes about his “sweet meat” (“Good D__K”) and tries entirely too hard to brainwash you into adding ‘Bruh Bruh’ to your everyday vocab (“Bruh Bruh”). No, I’m serious, and would love to ask Plies why he continues to release these intellectually-insulting records when he knows that we know he’s nothing like what he pretends to be on his records.
Nominees:
DJ Khaled Victory
Ludacris Battle of the Sexes
Vivian Greene Beautiful
Wrist-Slitter Award
Plies “She Got It Made”
I’d rather…
A) Listen to an A. Keys/Corinne Bailey Rae ‘Greatest Love of All’ power-duet. Acapella.
B) Be forced to drink a glass of freshly squeezed Ricky Walrus tittay-milk.
C) Play Candy Land with Justin Bieber, Lil’ Twist & Jaden Smith.
D) Bathe in Ke$ha’s filth-polluted bath water..with her in the tub..naked.
…than listen to this wretched re-interpolation of an already incredibly-annoying song that didn’t even deserve to be re-interpolated.
Nominees:
Justin Bieber Feat. Ludacris “Baby”
Nicki Minaj Feat. Sean Garrett “Massive Attack”
Drake “Find Your Love”
Finale: TEN Burning Questions? …sponsored by Kat Stacks’ Vaginal Love Tubes
10. Who knew Travis Porter, Travie McCoy & Travis Barker were different people?!
9. Who let Mike Tyson answer the phone during BET/MTV’s ‘Help For Haiti’ telethon?!
7. How is Trey Songz the ‘King of R&B’ when he’s never gone ‘Platinum?!’
6. Why does Jamie Foxx still imitate Ray Charles like he’s promoting Ray 2?
5. Why did Don Cheadle have a ‘Let’s JAM’-slicked temp fade in Iron Man 2?
4. Why did so many ladies label CiCi’s epic HOSh!t in ‘Ride’ as ‘visually creative art?’
3. Why was Sandra Bullock nominated for an NAACP Image Award for ‘Best Actress?’
2. What made Gucci’s crust-bruised lips file a restraining order against chapstick?!
1. How the hell do you steal Tyler Perry’s credit card number and NOT cop extravagant planes, magnificent spaceships/submarines, Scandinavian villas, small islands, rapping Hamsters & orangutans that can sing & dance (like in Jungle Book), iPhone 4G stock & thousands of untraceable gift cards but chose, instead, to buy home goods, groceries, toys and hit the damn movies?! o_O. (See: Quita & ’nem’s KANG Perry-sponsored ‘shopping spree’ HERE: http://straightfromthea.com/2010/05/17/tyler-perrys-stolen-credit-card-charged-over-28000/
“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro.
My name is ‘Alejandro’ and I’m a cultural critic/fearless humorist/Hip-Hop expert…in my own creatively-diseased MIND. I’m also the best blogger alive. *serious face* ..Ha, nah, I’m playin. Follow Me: twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8. Friend Me: AlejandroFord/Facebook. Email Me: dzstrickland@gmail.com. Call me:
