Rick Ross “Teflon Don” Album Review
July 21st, 2010 | By Alejandro Ford
As much as I’d like to crown Willie L. Roberts’ (“Rick Ross”) epically-produced, feature-flooded mega-opus Teflon Don a certified classic (or 2010’s “Album of the Year”), I simply can’t, and won’t, considering that it’s nothing more than 11 fantasy-coated pieces of extravagant ear candy with no heart, substance or timeless appeal.
Believe me, I wanted to press [OFF] on my ‘elitist hipsterism’ and induct Teflon Don into the Hip-Hop Hall-of-Fame with Illmatic, Reasonable Doubt and Ready To Die (etc.) like every other mind-fcuked Ricky-stan sipping freshly-squeezed titty milk from Ricky’s ink-scribbled D-cups until I realized ‘Ricky Rozay’s’ glamorous delusionism would never let my Teflon Don experience be great, or remotely nostalgic.
See, in Ricky’s beautiful mind, he’s already a living legend whose lyrical magnificence, Def Jam-fueled dominance and glorious sex symbol-status are the only barriers standing between Hip-Hop & a deluxe pine box which certainly explains why Teflon Don failed to feel like anything other than a sensationalized collection of glitzy fairy tales (obviously planted in his subconscious by brilliant ‘Inceptionists’).
Um..yes, ‘glitzy fairy tales’ that only grew more fantastical by the bar to the point of utter hilarity as evidenced on the Earth-rattling banger “B.M.F (Blowin’ Money Fast)” where he thirstily attaches his legacy to notorious criminals Big Meech & Larry Hoover (“I think I’m Big Meech, Larry Hoover/whippin’ work, Hallelujah!”) just moments after immortalizing MC Hammer on the equally colossal “MC Hammer” (“I’m ridin’ dirty, my d*ck clean/She talk dirty, but her mouth clean/B*tch I’m MC Hammer..I’m about cream!”).
Produced by synthy-symphonic beatmaker Lex Luger (Shawty Redd’s #1 Stan), “B.M.F” & “MC Hammer” sound nearly identical, and were probably packaged together as a “Buy ONE Epic Banger-Get ONE Free” special only available to Ricky if he A) agreed to feature the tracks back-to-back on the album rather than B) replacing “B.M.F” with the stunning “Mafia Music II” or diabolical “Audio Meth.”
Why ‘Rozay’ chose A over B, I’ll never know (or care), but that’s neither here nor there when compared to his tragically-Diddy-bopped Trey+Diddy-collab “No. 1” which definitely should’ve been Track #11 on the oft-delayed Dirty Money album, not Track #7 on the year’s ‘most-anticipated’ album. Dawn & Kaleena *‘Dirty Pocket change’ shrug*
Now, to be fair, Teflon Don is easily Ricky’s best, most complete record to date (if you suspend reality while focusing solely on the production) mainly due to its incredibly-polished soundscapes (Kanye, Clark Kent, No I.D. etc), with the most beautifully-grandiose production provided by the ultra-talented J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League (“Maybach Music III” & “Aston Martin Music”).
And yes, I agree, Ricky’s Teflon Don-flow, enunciation & cadences > ALL Port of Miami+Trilla+Deeper Than Rap everything even though he’s murdered by Hov on the thinly-veiled middle finger to ‘Hov = illuminati’-conspiracists “Free Mason,” Kanye on the soulfully-spasmodic anthem “Live Fast, Die Young” and Hip-POP&B’s Prince Drake on the sleekly-seductive “Aston Martin Music.”
But, then again, I doubt anyone noticed Ricky’s never-ending flurry of anti-quotables (“If she died on my d*ck she would live through my rhymes”) or cared about T.I., Jada & Erykah’s ‘Maybach irrelevance,’ Gucci Mane’s uber-whack “MC Hammer” verse (“I’m MC Hammer…I put dat on my Gran’ma”) (or) Chrisette & Raphael Saadiq’s wasted talents due to the album’s impeccable production quality.
To most (who didn’t cop the new Big Boi, Roots or B.O.B. album), Teflon Don is a gift from the Hip-Hop Gods meant to be banged until Summer turns to Fall but to ‘elitist hipsters,’ like myself (That’s what ‘they’ said) it’s merely just a solid, mildly-epic concept record (with an 08/01/2010 expiration date) that epitomizes ‘style over substance.’
Overall, ‘Ricky Rozay’ deserves credit for making consumers forget that he’s just as fraudulent as Plies building a lucrative brand (despite never having gone platinum) that started decades ago during Slip-N-Slide’s golden era (See: Trina “Told Ya’ll”) but won’t receive anything higher than 2.3/4 Stars from me for an overhyped, overrated, overdebated ‘audio movie experience’ with (again) no heart, substance or timeless appeal.
