What I Learned in 2010

January 12th, 2011 | By Alejandro Ford

1) Youtube gives you a better chance of being ‘successful’ than a college degree.

2) Chris Brown has the worst PR/crisis management team in music history.

(Honorable mention: 2) T.I. 3) Fantasia 4) Jazmine Sullivan 5) Ciara

3) 1 out of every 5 people on your Twitter timeline/FB news feed is functionally illiterate.

Exhibit A: @mocha_beauty: I’m beginning to think I’m lack toast…I get sick everytime I drink milk.

Exhibit B: @HP3D: if your gone hang with bitches, they minus well be female.

Exhibit C: @LeighyahBaby: Ladies tht fall in luv w/ other ppls bfs hve low selves of steam.

Read the rest here: http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/2010/12/25-dumbest-tweets-of-2010.html. Shouts to Luvvie!

4) Rappers are more popular when they don’t fcuk wit school educationally. (Waka taught me…this)

(And this too: ‘F*CK SKOOL! DO ‘Hood Rat Stuff!’)

5) If a major artist names their album Pink Friday, it doesn’t necessarily have to drop on Friday…despite being named Pink Friday for that very reason.

(Oh, and Nicki Minaj is ‘As Talented As Lauryn Hill.’ – Irv Gotti.)

6) It’s possible for white people to forget that a Black man’s black for at least 60 minutes.

“You know, I was trying to think about who he (Barack Obama) was tonight, and it’s interesting: He is post-racial by all appearances. You know, I forgot he was black tonight for an hour.” — MSNBC’s Chris Matthews following State of the Union address, Jan. 27.

7) There’s only ONE thing (other than chicken wings, Simply Lemonade & Real Housewives of ATL) colored people can’t resist: tender, juicy McRib sammiches.

(And we ALL know our people can’t resist acting like freed slaves shuckin, tippity-tappin or rappin while eating McDonald’s)

8. There were people among us who truly believed The Social Network was a “movie about Facebook.”

9) In Tyler Perry land, your hands tremble uncontrollably when you have Parkinson’s Cancer & you experience persistent cough fits when infected with HIV. It’s obvious Tyler uses WebMD (worthless website that commonly diagnoses headaches as brain tumors) as his ‘medical adviser.’

10) Fantasy is the new reality…which explains why A) Rick Ross is relevant B) everyone (by everyone, I mean 90’s babies) thought they were Big Meech, Larry Hoover in 2010. To most people, ‘reality’ (or ‘honesty’) is like freedom to T.I. or cootchie to Ne-Yo. So, basically, in 2011, genuine honesty is ‘shade,’ constructive criticism is ‘hate’ and both, mixed together, are ‘jealously & lies.’

11) A dash, pinch, shred, speck or sprinkle of discernible musical talent isn’t necessary to go platinum. Anyone off the street can do it. In any genre. At any time. See: Taylor Swift.

12) Every GED class has a Valedictorian. You can earn your PhD online. Majoring in Geometry is what’s hot in dem skreets.

13) More colored girls were impregnated during Takers than any other time in 2010.

14) You don’t have to be married to be a ‘wife.’ Well, at least on VH1, you don’t.

15) Dr. Harvey, Harper & Tyrese are the only Black men authorized to give single Black women relationship advice.

16) Indie Folksy-Pop ballads (Bon Iver’s “Woods”) + Baltimore club beats = DOPE songs (“Lost in the World”).

17) Family dogs, toddlers & Mexicans can see paranormal activities that no one else can see.

18) Nothing brings a man more joy than a pet honey badger fun-sized giraffe.

19) Swag, like roaches & lacefronts, is eternal & everlasting. Amen.

20) Oral sex is only ‘disgusting’ when performed on a woman during a music video.

21) Post-Racial America’s motto: ‘Each 1 Teach 1…how to dougie.’

22) Heartless oil companies (BP) can treat Mother Earth’s love below like Kat Stacks’ esophagus and Americans will still support them.

23) Gucci Mane’s crust-bruised lips filed a restraining order against chapstick in ’08.

24) Back-alley abortions are still performed in the darkest corners of inner cities, down by the welfare, by wicked miscreants who A) look just like Macy Gray & B) use wretched ‘abortional’ tools sterilized in dark liquor (Henny).

25) It’s possible to be trapped in a mine for 33 days and have enough energy to dougie celebrate when rescued.

26) Like Nicki Minaj, Lauryn Hill only listens to the voices in her head. Dress like UniverSOUL circus clown. Check. Change lyrics/arrangements to classic songs during shows. Check. Tell fans who paid $60 to see her she’s worth a 4-hour wait. Check.

27) MC King Hammer will chase you through forests (in slow motion) and baptize you if you ever diss him on wax.

28) Targét is the BEST place to meet single, intelligent, gorgeous, quirky women who don’t rock colored contacts, have bathroom modeling portfolios or believe Love Jones is the best movie ever made.

(Honorable mention: 2) Foreign Exchange concerts 3) Whole Foods 4) Nordstrom Rack 5) HBCU Homecomings)

29) Rza repeatedly screaming “ridikaluss” on a Hip-Hop track > Life.

30) The day Jennifer & Mo’Nique discover inside voices is the day Oprah’s credit card gets declined…at Wal-Mart.

“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro