5 Reasons Why I’ll NEVER listen to Lupe’s ‘Lasers’ again.
March 14th, 2011 | By Alejandro Ford
Lupe Fiasco’s latest album Lasers (formerly known as LupeEND, We Are Lasers & Food & Liquor II, at some point, during the past 3 years) sounds like glittergasmic noise Diddy would play on the last train to Paris when he’s not playing Last Train To Paris.
Yes, cotton-candelicious ear candy packaged as modern Hip-Hop, or the highly-anticipated follow-up to The Cool that Team: Fiasco petitioned to be released (by Atlantic) months ago.
Believe me, THIS ain’t THAT record (or rumored records), and fails to be anything other than an edgy Bruno Mars album – Bruno Mars + rapping & auto-tuned crooning by the EMOmaniacal label puppet formerly known as dope MC Lupe Fiasco.
As a chintzy Kidz Bop album, Lasers shines, brightly—starting where Nicki’s Pink Friday ended—with an undeniable appeal to (radio) program directors & Black Eyed Peas stans. But, to tortured Hip-Hop heads, it’ll be stamped as a glitzy wasteland of misguided artistry, greed-fueled gimmicks & wasted talent destined to rot in our subconscious until (KRIT’s) Returnof4eva drops.
And, with that said, here are 5 good reasons why I’ll never listen to Lasers again. *punts burnt copy of Lasers into the sun & bangs Mozart*
5. “Words I Never Said” isn’t a dope Eminem or Kanye or Linkin Park song. Well, no…because it’s a dope Lupe song (featuring Skylar Grey’s haunting vocals) that GOES until he, uh, spits (passionately) about random socio-economical-political-shit that no one wants HIS bitch-azz to spit about.
4. The insanely-irksome hooks on the Ace of Base-ish “Break The Chain,” Uncle-Reverend-Legend-wrecked “Never Forget You,” ‘this-would-sound-dope-playing-between-MTV-shows-nobody-watches’ “State Run Radio” & criminally-cliché “The Show Goes On.” Yes. WHACKEST. HOOKS. EVER.
3. There’s no CRS banger. No All City Chess Club banger. No Matthew Santos hooks, fresh concepts (See: Jill Scott collab on Food & Liquor) or Neptunes beats (“I’m Beamin” = Neptunes track). No “I’m Beamin” or “Shining Down.” No memorable, rewindable or nostalgic moments. Just random Pop shit Julie Greenwald liked.
(Note: Julie Greenwald is the privileged Jewish woman (from the Catskills in Middle-of-Nowhere, NY) responsible for Plies, Pretty Ricky, Flo Rida & Trey Songz. She’s President of Atlantic Records (one of two female Presidents of major labels), and the reason Lasers sounds like a Danity Kane album.)
2. That awkward moment when I realize Trey Songz (who hasn’t stopped impersonating R. Kelly since Trey Day) & Lupe are on the same track. And it’s awkward Every. Single. Time because label mandated collabs are always incredibly-awkward. (See: Ke$ha & Andre 3000 “Sleazy” (Remix) or Ying Yang Twins & Teedra Moses “Put That Thang Down.” -___-).
1. Lupe sounds like Charlie Brown’s parents whenever he addresses ‘important’ issues, or raps about them. At this point, I’m fresh out of fun-sized damns to give about an infantile man-boy who contemplates suicide every time he loses.
Exhibit A: ‘The label thought my version of “Nothin On You” was WHACK & went with B.O.B’s?’ WHY MEEEEEEE LAWD?! *loads pistol*
Exhibit B: ‘Bloggers leaked my new single without even asking for my permission?’ THEY.JUST.DON’T.KNOW.HOW.MUCH.THIS.HURRRRRTS.ME! *holds pistol to temple*
Exhibit C: ‘Pres. Obama won the election despite me not voting for him?’ LIFE’S NOT FAIR EVAAAAR! *sobs uncontrollably with pistol pressed to temple*
Exhibit D: ‘DAMN…my fans HATE my new album…Nooooooo!’ WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO.ME?! *pulls trigger (while lips quiver) but realizes safety’s still on*
(Note: Quotes are paraphrased from actual quotes)
Sadly, Lasers is projected to debut #1 on the charts with 220K units moved. So, either way, Hip-Hop loses…again.
