Lupe Fiasco’s latest album Lasers (formerly known as LupeEND, We Are Lasers & Food & Liquor II, at some point, during the past 3 years) sounds like glittergasmic noise Diddy would play on the last train to Paris when he’s not playing Last Train To Paris.
Yes, cotton-candelicious ear candy packaged as modern Hip-Hop, or the highly-anticipated follow-up to The Cool that Team: Fiasco petitioned to be released (by Atlantic) months ago.
Believe me, THIS ain’t THAT record (or rumored records), and fails to be anything other than an edgy Bruno Mars album – Bruno Mars + rapping & auto-tuned crooning by the EMOmaniacal label puppet formerly known as dope MC Lupe Fiasco.
As a chintzy Kidz Bop album, Lasers shines, brightly—starting where Nicki’s Pink Friday ended—with an undeniable appeal to (radio) program directors & Black Eyed Peas stans. But, to tortured Hip-Hop heads, it’ll be stamped as a glitzy wasteland of misguided artistry, greed-fueled gimmicks & wasted talent destined to rot in our subconscious until (KRIT’s) Returnof4eva drops.
And, with that said, here are 5 good reasons why I’ll never listen to Lasers again. *punts burnt copy of Lasers into the sun & bangs Mozart*
5. “Words I Never Said” isn’t a dope Eminem or Kanye or Linkin Park song. Well, no…because it’s a dope Lupe song (featuring Skylar Grey’s haunting vocals) that GOES until he, uh, spits (passionately) about random socio-economical-political-shit that no one wants HIS bitch-azz to spit about.
4. The insanely-irksome hooks on the Ace of Base-ish “Break The Chain,” Uncle-Reverend-Legend-wrecked “Never Forget You,” ‘this-would-sound-dope-playing-between-MTV-shows-nobody-watches’ “State Run Radio” & criminally-cliché “The Show Goes On.” Yes. WHACKEST. HOOKS. EVER.
3. There’s no CRS banger. No All City Chess Club banger. No Matthew Santos hooks, fresh concepts (See: Jill Scott collab on Food & Liquor) or Neptunes beats (“I’m Beamin” = Neptunes track). No “I’m Beamin” or “Shining Down.” No memorable, rewindable or nostalgic moments. Just random Pop shit Julie Greenwald liked.
(Note: Julie Greenwald is the privileged Jewish woman (from the Catskills in Middle-of-Nowhere, NY) responsible for Plies, Pretty Ricky, Flo Rida & Trey Songz. She’s President of Atlantic Records (one of two female Presidents of major labels), and the reason Lasers sounds like a Danity Kane album.)
2. That awkward moment when I realize Trey Songz (who hasn’t stopped impersonating R. Kelly since Trey Day) & Lupe are on the same track. And it’s awkward Every. Single. Time because label mandated collabs are always incredibly-awkward. (See: Ke$ha & Andre 3000 “Sleazy” (Remix) or Ying Yang Twins & Teedra Moses “Put That Thang Down.” -___-).
1. Lupe sounds like Charlie Brown’s parents whenever he addresses ‘important’ issues, or raps about them. At this point, I’m fresh out of fun-sized damns to give about an infantile man-boy who contemplates suicide every time he loses.
Exhibit A: ‘The label thought my version of “Nothin On You” was WHACK & went with B.O.B’s?’ WHY MEEEEEEE LAWD?! *loads pistol*
Exhibit B: ‘Bloggers leaked my new single without even asking for my permission?’ THEY.JUST.DON’T.KNOW.HOW.MUCH.THIS.HURRRRRTS.ME! *holds pistol to temple*
Exhibit C: ‘Pres. Obama won the election despite me not voting for him?’ LIFE’S NOT FAIR EVAAAAR! *sobs uncontrollably with pistol pressed to temple*
Exhibit D: ‘DAMN…my fans HATE my new album…Nooooooo!’ WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO.ME?! *pulls trigger (while lips quiver) but realizes safety’s still on*
(Note: Quotes are paraphrased from actual quotes)
Sadly, Lasers is projected to debut #1 on the charts with 220K units moved. So, either way, Hip-Hop loses…again.
Jay-Z’s debut Reasonable Doubt is an undisputed hip-hop classic. Here’s a video of the samples from the album.
Here’s producer Ski Beatz going over how he made “Dead Presidents.”
Here’s Jay talking about working with Biggie and his early rap style among other things.
List of samples:
1. Can’t Knock the Hustle” 5:17 Shawn Carter, Jerome Foster, Marcus Miller Knobody
Dahoud Darien
Sean Cane for The Hitmen Mary J. Blige “Much Too Much” by Marcus Miller
“Fool’s Paradise” by Meli’sa Morgan
Intro interpolates Scarface
“I Know You Got Soul” by Eric B. & Rakim
2. “Politics as Usual” 3:41 Cynthia Biggs, Shawn Carter, David Willis Ski “Hurry Up This Way Again” by The Stylistics
“Bennie and the Jets” by Elton John
3. “Brooklyn’s Finest” 4:36 Leroy Bonner, Shawn Carter, Rodolfo Franklin, Marshall Jones, Ralph Middlebrooks, Walter Morrison, Andrew Noland, Marvin Pierce, Christopher Wallace, Greg Webster Clark Kent The Notorious B.I.G. “Ecstasy” by The Ohio Players
“Brooklyn Zoo” by Ol’ Dirty Bastard
Intro interpolates Carlito’s Way
4. “Dead Presidents II” 4:27 Shawn Carter, Nasir Jones, Peter Phillips, Lonnie Liston Smith, David Willis Ski “A Garden of Peace” by Lonnie Liston Smith
“The World Is Yours (Tip Mix)”[21] by Nas
“Oh My God (remix)” by A Tribe Called Quest
5. “Feelin’ It” 3:48 Shawn Carter, David Willis Ski Mecca “Pastures” by Ahmad Jamal
6. “D’evils” 3:31 Shawn Carter, Chris E. Martin DJ Premier “Go Back Home” by Allen Toussaint
“I Shot Ya (Remix)” by LL Cool J (vocals by Prodigy)
“Murder Was the Case” by Snoop Dogg
7. “22 Two’s” 3:29 Shawn Carter, David Willis Ski “Can I Kick It?” by A Tribe Called Quest
8. “Can I Live” 4:10 Burt Bacharach, Shawn Carter, Hal David, Irving Lorenzo Irv Gotti “The Look of Love” by Isaac Hayes
9. “Ain’t No Nigga” 4:03 Jonathan Burks, Shawn Carter, Dennis Lambert, Inga Marchand, August Moon, Brian Potter, Tyrone Thomas Big Jaz Foxy Brown “Seven Minutes of Funk” by The Whole Darn Family
“Ain’t No Woman (Like the One I Got)” by The Four Tops
10. “Friend or Foe” 1:49 Shawn Carter, Chris E. Martin DJ Premier “Hey What’s That You Say” by Brother to Brother
11. “Coming of Age” 3:59 Shawn Carter, Rodolfo Franklin, James Mtume Clark Kent Memphis Bleek “Inside You” by Eddie Henderson
12. “Cashmere Thoughts” 2:56 Hamilton Bohannon, Shawn Carter, Leroy Emanuel, Rodolfo Franklin, Melvin Ragin Clark Kent “Save Their Souls” by Bohannon
13. “Bring It On” 5:01 Jonathan Burks, Shawn Carter, Todd Gaither, Chris E. Martin DJ Premier Big Jaz & Sauce Money “1, 2 Pass It” by D&D All-Stars
14. “Regrets” 4:34 Shawn Carter, F. DiPasquale Peter Panic “It’s So Easy Loving You” by Earl Klugh and Hubert Laws
Here’s a video of Kanye West samples from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.
Also, Des from On221 posted and made a mix of the samples, unfortunately the download link is broken but Des does offer up this accurate description of Kanye’s work:
It’s a beautiful clusterfuck of sound, discord, and emotion amalgamated to deliver this amazing piece of audio art.
Creative genius or overrated, Kanye definitely knows his way around music. Can’t wait to see what he cooks up for Jay-Z on Watch the Throne.
List of samples, used and unused, in the video from its creator
Dark Fantasy – Kanye West
In High Places – Mike Oldfield
Gorgeous – Kanye West
You Showed Me – The Turtles
Power – Kanye West
It’s Your Thing” Cold Grits
Afromerica – Continent No. 6
21st Century Schizoid Man – King Crimson
So Appalled – Kanye West
You Are — I Am – Manfred Mann’s Earth Band
Devil in a New Dress – Kanye West
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow – Smokey Robinson
Runaway – Kanye West
Expo 83 – Backyard Heavies
Hell of a Life – Kanye West
She’s My Baby – Mojo Men
Stud-Spider – Tony Joe White
Blame Game – Kanye West
Avril 14 – Aphex Twin
Who Will Survive In America – Kanye West
Comment No. 1 – Gil Scott-Heron
—————————————————————————–
Unused Samples
Lost in the World – Kanye West
Think (About It) – Lyn Collins
[Reason: Too short]
The Woods – Bon Iver
[Reason: Already noted as feature in song]
Hell of a Life – Kanye West
Ironman – Black Sabbath
[Reason: Re-Uses Melody/Interpolation not a direct sample]
Runaways – Kanye West
The Basement – Pete Rock & Cl Smooth
[Reason: Sample of a sample also very well known and used often by Kanye West]
4) Rappers are more popular when they don’t fcuk wit school educationally. (Waka taught me…this)
(And this too: ‘F*CK SKOOL! DO ‘Hood Rat Stuff!’)
5) If a major artist names their album Pink Friday, it doesn’t necessarily have to drop on Friday…despite being named Pink Friday for that very reason.
(Oh, and Nicki Minaj is ‘As Talented As Lauryn Hill.’ – Irv Gotti.)
6) It’s possible for white people to forget that a Black man’s black for at least 60 minutes.
“You know, I was trying to think about who he (Barack Obama) was tonight, and it’s interesting: He is post-racial by all appearances. You know, I forgot he was black tonight for an hour.” — MSNBC’s Chris Matthews following State of the Union address, Jan. 27.
7) There’s only ONE thing (other than chicken wings, Simply Lemonade & Real Housewives of ATL) colored people can’t resist: tender, juicy McRib sammiches.
(And we ALL know our people can’t resist acting like freed slaves shuckin, tippity-tappin or rappin while eating McDonald’s)
8. There were people among us who truly believed The Social Network was a “movie about Facebook.”
9) In Tyler Perry land, your hands tremble uncontrollably when you have Parkinson’s Cancer & you experience persistent cough fits when infected with HIV. It’s obvious Tyler uses WebMD (worthless website that commonly diagnoses headaches as brain tumors) as his ‘medical adviser.’
10) Fantasy is the new reality…which explains why A) Rick Ross is relevant B) everyone (by everyone, I mean 90’s babies) thought they were Big Meech, Larry Hoover in 2010. To most people, ‘reality’ (or ‘honesty’) is like freedom to T.I. or cootchie to Ne-Yo. So, basically, in 2011, genuine honesty is ‘shade,’ constructive criticism is ‘hate’ and both, mixed together, are ‘jealously & lies.’
11) A dash, pinch, shred, speck or sprinkle of discernible musical talent isn’t necessary to go platinum. Anyone off the street can do it. In any genre. At any time. See: Taylor Swift.
12) Every GED class has a Valedictorian. You can earn your PhD online. Majoring in Geometry is what’s hot in dem skreets.
13) More colored girls were impregnated during Takers than any other time in 2010.
14) You don’t have to be married to be a ‘wife.’ Well, at least on VH1, you don’t.
15) Dr. Harvey, Harper & Tyrese are the only Black men authorized to give single Black women relationship advice.
16) Indie Folksy-Pop ballads (Bon Iver’s “Woods”) + Baltimore club beats = DOPE songs (“Lost in the World”).
17) Family dogs, toddlers & Mexicans can see paranormal activities that no one else can see.
18) Nothing brings a man more joy than a pet honey badger fun-sized giraffe.
19) Swag, like roaches & lacefronts, is eternal & everlasting. Amen.
20) Oral sex is only ‘disgusting’ when performed on a woman during a music video.
21) Post-Racial America’s motto: ‘Each 1 Teach 1…how to dougie.’
22) Heartless oil companies (BP) can treat Mother Earth’s love below like Kat Stacks’ esophagus and Americans will still support them.
23) Gucci Mane’s crust-bruised lips filed a restraining order against chapstick in ’08.
24) Back-alley abortions are still performed in the darkest corners of inner cities, down by the welfare, by wicked miscreants who A) look just like Macy Gray & B) use wretched ‘abortional’ tools sterilized in dark liquor (Henny).
25) It’s possible to be trapped in a mine for 33 days and have enough energy to dougie celebrate when rescued.
26) Like Nicki Minaj, Lauryn Hill only listens to the voices in her head. Dress like UniverSOUL circus clown. Check. Change lyrics/arrangements to classic songs during shows. Check. Tell fans who paid $60 to see her she’s worth a 4-hour wait. Check.
27) MC King Hammer will chase you through forests (in slow motion) and baptize you if you ever diss him on wax.
28) Targét is the BEST place to meet single, intelligent, gorgeous, quirky women who don’t rock colored contacts, have bathroom modeling portfolios or believe Love Jones is the best movie ever made.
After multiple leaks, push-backs, promo struggles and Detox-comparisons, Diddy’s Euro-Pop-bedazzled Last Train To Paris finally featured enough features (43)/synth-drunken soundscapes (Dark Child, Danja, Swizzington Keys etc) to be dumped into a mainstream consciousness still reeling from Kanye’s epic mind-fcuk (Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy) just weeks earlier.
Like Kanye, Diddy dared to re-invent modern music or Pop, or whatever genre he felt like re-inventing with Last Train—his 5th, most ‘experimental’ album—that feels more like a mishmash of chintzy, often edgy glittergasms than an actual event, or must-cop record for its target audience: the sexy & chic…who prefer their Ciroc & pineapple juice shaken, not stirred.
Executively produced by Rodney Jerkins, Mario Winans & Harve Pierre, Last Train To Paris (Diddy’s Interscope debut) BANGS…at times, but is far too busy creating a new sound that already exists to move anyone with Timbo’s Shock Value, Gwen Stefani’s Love. Angel. Music. Babyor Daft Punk’s Discovery in their collection.
Along for the ride are Diddy’s overexposed back-up singers ‘Vandellas’ Estelle Kalenna (dope songwriter) & Dawn (dope vocalist), who, when standing next to Diddy, form ‘Diddy-Dirty Pocket Change Money’ or Diddy & a poor, blind, deaf man’s Changing Faces or the first duo in music history to sing lead/back-up at the same time, on the same record. Trust me, this makes sense.
On body-rockers like “I Hate That You Love Me” (This.Shxt.Goes) & “Ass On The Floor,” Dawn & Kalenna shine (well, Dawn does), and that’s usually when Last Train To Paris shines. Sadly, their shine on this album lasted just as long as Lil Jerome’s on Bad boy due to Diddy’s obsession with rapping and singing more than the actual rappers and singers on the album. Yes, all 57 of them.
Other memorable moments, on an otherwise forgettable voyage to been-there-heard-that land, include the Purple Rain-splashed slow-burner “Shades” (Feat. Bilal, Weezy & J.T.), which is one J.T. tribute to Drake away from being ruined (“Let me have my way, Imma have my way…Carlito” O_O), insanely-infectious “Loving You No More” (co-written by Drake) and Ursh’s vocals on “Looking For Love” (where Diddy’s verses sound better muted).
At times, Diddy’s artistic reach far exceeds his grasp, especially on the tragically-cliché “Live Your Life Pt. II” “Coming Home,” (Feat. Skylar Grey…impersonating Hayley Williams), “Somebody To Love Me” & “Little Freak Pt. II” “Your Love” (Feat. Trey Songz…impersonating R.Kelly…yet again) where he raps about absolutely nothing for entirely too long.
Album filler like “Yesterday” (Feat. Chris Brown) & “I Know” (Feat. Chris Brown, Seven & Wiz Khalifah’s ‘Dude, where’s my car?’-flow) probably won’t make it to your ipod like oldie-but-goodies “Angel,” (Feat. ‘New Biggie’ Rick Ross & old, dead Biggie) “Hello, Good Morning” (Feat. T.I.) or “Strobe Lights” (Feat. Weezy) did, decades ago, when Last Train was initially set to drop.
Why Diddy included ancient material (that dropped when Morgan Freeman was young, hunting raptors & dragons with sling-shots) on a ‘progressive’ Pop album is simply beyond me (or you, or anyone), and an insult to his fans and casual music consumers. But, then again, this is his vanity project, his ‘opus,’ which explains Last Train’s extravagant narcissism.
As a ‘concept album’ (Man chases dream woman from London to France), Last Train To Paris succeeds (by succeed, I mean it’s worth downloading) when Diddy’s not rapping or singing or spewing obscenities for no reason it’s not veering completely off the tracks, creatively, or reminding you why you’d rather see Diddy make a band than a concept album in 2010.
Will Diddy ever stop? Doubt it. But, really, why should he? He’s more popular today than he was during the shiny suit era. No, Last Train To Paris isn’t what it could’ve (and maybe should’ve been) but its appeal to fickle Pop-fiends is undeniable, and that’s all that matters. 2.5/4 Stars.
Last nite’s VMAs would’ve been the perfect combination of Ambien & Benadryl (kids, don’t try this at home) had I been struggling to win my nightly Chess game with Insomnia. But, sadly, I wasn’t, and subjected myself to MTV’s Hip-Pop-sewage-splashed Awards show with no conscience, memorable performances or timeless-‘remember when _____ did ________ with_______at the ’10 VMAs’-type moments.
So, rather than punishing you with 875 words of cliché-coated commentary (See: today’s tragically-uninspired VMAs re-caps), I decided to pose 12.5 good questions about the most mega-hyped, creatively-retarded Awards spectacle in MTV history (And yes, this year’s EBT BET Awards > VMAs. Quote me).
1. Who knew that ‘re-vitiligo’ was real, and that Will.I.Am (who looked like a fresh bottle of Jermaine Jackson’s Oriental jet-black hair dye spectacular) had been living with it all these years?
2. Was it really necessary for Mary J. Blige to add soul-stirring slave-libs to her “Fancy”-collab with Drake? (Sorry—but—they were a bit too ‘Underground Railroad-fancy’ for me).
3. What exactly does Nicki Minaj suffer from? Is she severely-Bipolar? Autistic? Schizophrenic? All three? None? A mixture of the three with a sprinkle of multiple personality disorder & deep tissue brain damage?! Let me know.
4. Why does Ke$ha always look like she reeks of used lambskin condoms, urine-dipped pork rinds & never-ending failure?
5. Why didn’t VMAs producers show Pusha T’s name & Hip-Hop resume during his performance so that white people wouldn’t think he was a random stranger-rapper Kanye-ing Kanye?
6. Who loses FIRST in a game of Operation: Drake, Michael J. Fox or Muhammed Ali? (Let that marinate).
7. A love spawn between Antonio Banderas & Fantasia would speak just like _______? My Answer: Sofia Vergara.
8. Did Jordan Knight know that Justin Bieber was ‘borrowing’ his choreography from the “Give It To You” video?
9. Why did it feel like Chelsea Handler’s painfully-unfunny jokes were written by Carlos Mencia & Dane Cook…for Kathy Griffin?
10. Does this look like a man who wants to beat da puddy up, make it fart or buss it wide opin?
11. Where did Taylor Swift’s vocal coach go after she packed her shxt & ran off with *Ursher’s dance stamina, Mo’Nique’s inside voice & The-Dream’s neck?
12. Who gave Kanye Dynamite & his 1982 leisure suit worn by David Ruffin during the Temptation’s Valentine’s Day concerts permission to perform “Runaway” on Michael Jackson’s spaceship from the “Scream” video?
12.5 And why do I feel like he could drop an album called Moments of Silence with no lyrics, beats or song titles & his stans would still be blown away like they were after his forgettable VMAs performance?! Toast to the douchbags? Nah, I’m good.
Happy Birthday to Whitney Houston. Whitney Houston was born on this day in 1963. She’s had a lot of ups and downs in her career but the video above is why Whitney will always be Whitney.
Below is one of her more recent cuts, “Million Dollar Bill”. Check it out:
As much as I’d like to crown Willie L. Roberts’ (“Rick Ross”) epically-produced, feature-flooded mega-opus Teflon Don a certified classic (or 2010’s “Album of the Year”), I simply can’t, and won’t, considering that it’s nothing more than 11 fantasy-coated pieces of extravagant ear candy with no heart, substance or timeless appeal.
Believe me, I wanted to press [OFF] on my ‘elitist hipsterism’ and induct Teflon Don into the Hip-Hop Hall-of-Fame with Illmatic, Reasonable Doubt and Ready To Die (etc.) like every other mind-fcuked Ricky-stan sipping freshly-squeezed titty milk from Ricky’s ink-scribbled D-cups until I realized ‘Ricky Rozay’s’ glamorous delusionism would never let my Teflon Don experience be great, or remotely nostalgic.
See, in Ricky’s beautiful mind, he’s already a living legend whose lyrical magnificence, Def Jam-fueled dominance and glorious sex symbol-status are the only barriers standing between Hip-Hop & a deluxe pine box which certainly explains why Teflon Don failed to feel like anything other than a sensationalized collection of glitzy fairy tales (obviously planted in his subconscious by brilliant ‘Inceptionists’).
Um..yes, ‘glitzy fairy tales’ that only grew more fantastical by the bar to the point of utter hilarity as evidenced on the Earth-rattling banger “B.M.F (Blowin’ Money Fast)” where he thirstily attaches his legacy to notorious criminals Big Meech & Larry Hoover (“I think I’m Big Meech, Larry Hoover/whippin’ work, Hallelujah!”) just moments after immortalizing MC Hammer on the equally colossal “MC Hammer” (“I’m ridin’ dirty, my d*ck clean/She talk dirty, but her mouth clean/B*tch I’m MC Hammer..I’m about cream!”).
Produced by synthy-symphonic beatmaker Lex Luger (Shawty Redd’s #1 Stan), “B.M.F” & “MC Hammer” sound nearly identical, and were probably packaged together as a “Buy ONE Epic Banger-Get ONE Free” special only available to Ricky if he A) agreed to feature the tracks back-to-back on the album rather than B) replacing “B.M.F” with the stunning “Mafia Music II” or diabolical “Audio Meth.”
Why ‘Rozay’ chose A over B, I’ll never know (or care), but that’s neither here nor there when compared to his tragically-Diddy-bopped Trey+Diddy-collab “No. 1” which definitely should’ve been Track #11 on the oft-delayed Dirty Money album, not Track #7 on the year’s ‘most-anticipated’ album. Dawn & Kaleena *‘Dirty Pocket change’ shrug*
Now, to be fair, Teflon Don is easily Ricky’s best, most complete record to date (if you suspend reality while focusing solely on the production) mainly due to its incredibly-polished soundscapes (Kanye, Clark Kent, No I.D. etc), with the most beautifully-grandiose production provided by the ultra-talented J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League (“Maybach Music III” & “Aston Martin Music”).
And yes, I agree, Ricky’s Teflon Don-flow, enunciation & cadences > ALL Port of Miami+Trilla+Deeper Than Rap everything even though he’s murdered by Hov on the thinly-veiled middle finger to ‘Hov = illuminati’-conspiracists “Free Mason,” Kanye on the soulfully-spasmodic anthem “Live Fast, Die Young” and Hip-POP&B’s Prince Drake on the sleekly-seductive “Aston Martin Music.”
But, then again, I doubt anyone noticed Ricky’s never-ending flurry of anti-quotables (“If she died on my d*ck she would live through my rhymes”) or cared about T.I., Jada & Erykah’s ‘Maybach irrelevance,’ Gucci Mane’s uber-whack “MC Hammer” verse (“I’m MC Hammer…I put dat on my Gran’ma”) (or) Chrisette & Raphael Saadiq’s wasted talents due to the album’s impeccable production quality.
To most (who didn’t cop the new Big Boi, Roots or B.O.B. album), Teflon Don is a gift from the Hip-Hop Gods meant to be banged until Summer turns to Fall but to ‘elitist hipsters,’ like myself (That’s what ‘they’ said) it’s merely just a solid, mildly-epic concept record (with an 08/01/2010 expiration date) that epitomizes ‘style over substance.’
Overall, ‘Ricky Rozay’ deserves credit for making consumers forget that he’s just as fraudulent as Plies building a lucrative brand (despite never having gone platinum) that started decades ago during Slip-N-Slide’s golden era (See: Trina “Told Ya’ll”) but won’t receive anything higher than 2.3/4 Stars from me for an overhyped, overrated, overdebated ‘audio movie experience’ with (again) no heart, substance or timeless appeal.
Saying that this year’s BET Awards (sponsored by Let’s JAM-style control, Cluck-U Chicken, St. Ides malt liquor & Cash4Gold.com) weren’t as epically-fail-smeared as the previous 9 is like crowning Alicia Keys the classiest celebrity homewrecker of our HoSh!t-plagued generation, stamping Year No. 475 of Slavery the ‘Best Slave trade year EVER’ or celebrating Madea Goes To Jail as the least coonish movie of Kang Perry’s coonificent career.
I mean, let’s be real, BET is too damn established (and globally-recognized) to (still) be producing ‘Consolation Prize-worthy Award shows speckled with entertaining bits & pieces of utter hilarity, fcukery & nincompoopery without any substance, meaning or reason to be remembered 2 days, 3 weeks, 4 months or 5 years from now.
However, 68% of my Twitter (Twitter is Alicia Keys to my Swizz Beatz. FB = Mashonda. Sad, I know.) timeline actually praised this year’s bi-polar BETs (which, to me, were neither good nor turrrrrble) as a ‘shockingly good..enjoyable & even excellent show’ which, I guess, makes me a stone-cold ‘hater’ for the following ‘shade-cloaked’ (mini)recap of the ‘Greatest BET Awards of ALL-Timez.’ And no, Kanye won’t be pleased. Press [PLAY].
Now, I don’t hate BET, Queen Stutter-Lipz Debbie Lee or her ‘stepin fetchit’ side-kick Stephen Hill, but I refuse to gush over a 5 ½-hour Awards-a-thon with:
A) (An) Instantly forgettable opener (I luh you Queen..but..no) that put the ‘C’ in cliché.
B) Idiotic production value that reeked of polished last-minute-ness (too much damn smoke here, no nominees video there, uber-whack skits, illegible font on the teleprompter etc).
C) Pointless Awards (NO RiRi. NO Hov. NO Bey. NO GaGa. NO Bieber..and..umm.. Prince put his on the floor) that no one, but BET, seemed to care about.
D) Epic moments (Chris Brown’s incredible Mike Jack tribute) routinely ruined by WTF moments (random tone-deafded singer featured just moments after CB).
But, then again, maybe I’m wrong for focusing on Kanye’s tragically-uninspired comeback performance atop the Guts ‘Agro Crag,’ Drake’s EMO-Hip-POP&B spirit fingers/happy hands, ‘Classic’ Ursh Vs. ‘Has Been’ Ursh’s identity crisis, J. Cole’s ‘blink & you missed it’ performance (Thanks Debbie Lee. O_o), BET’s diabolical plot to make us love El DeBarge again, Em-T.I.-Dirty$-Khaled-B.O.B-Drake-A.Keys’-been there, done that, seen that-performances, Trey Songz being side-eyed by Prince & shamed by Patti and Alicia Keys’ adultery-stained uterine walls that ‘errrrbody else,’ but me, and a few others, seemed to thoroughly enjoy.
Bleh, it’s cool, I’ll just sit in the corner—while ‘errrbody else’ puts lips to BET’s dimply booty cheeks—and reminisce about the MTV Music Awards’ (Mid-’90s) which, to me, are the rulers by which music-themed Awards shows ought to be measured, and will be, several years from now.
Were the Awards entertaining..at times? Yes. Did I go crazy when CB re-mixed “Remember The Time” and Janelle Monae killed “Let’s Go Crazy” in the name of Prince (Wait, Stevie Wonder actually saw Prince perform? I can’t.)? Absolutely. Umm..but..those were the only memorable moments (yea, and the Love Jones skit) along with the following mental sidenotes I made when trying to make sense of it all, when it was all said & done.
Sidenote #1: Alicia Keys should be: A) forced to rock a bold, italicized & underlined ‘A’ over her baby bump for stealing another woman’s husband-turnt-child support fund who she’s currently knocked up by and engaged to B) court ordered to swallow ear plugs every few days to protect her unborn baby C) warned bychild protective services that she can’t do ‘hood rat stuff’ like cootchie-pop on a grand piano while she’s pregnant.
Sidenote #2: I’ll always love Deniece Williams (“Silly of Me”) even though she struggled mightily to hit A NOTE during her [MUTE]-worthy duet with Monica..the pretty stick figure. Nervous? Mmm, I guess, but I doubt there was ever any hope for those cobwebb-covered high notes that (obviously) packed their sh*t & left decades ago with Etta, Minnie & Whitney’s (respectively).
Sidenote #3: May God bless the sweet baby flamingos used to create Debbie May Lee’s (uber-fugly) exotical Awards gown apparatus.
Sidenote #4: I’m almost certain DEEE JAAAYYY Khaled gets fatter every time he says the word: “Win” and looked like he was hiding KFC Double Downs in his pastel colored letterman jacket. Khaled’s man boobettes > Ricky Walrus.
Sidenote #5: The Devil was definitely busy up, down and through every wicked clipper blade used to murk John Legend’s might-don’t-make-it hairline that looked like it had been shaped up by Muhammed Ali that looked like the scene of a cold-blooded hate crime. Missing patches/corners & edges of hairline..while accepting an Award..on National TV? Really?! O_O. Please…call 555-1818 if you have any information regarding the whereabouts of the upper-right corner of John Legend’s ethered hairline.
Finale: Chris Brown’s Redemption
I really don’t give a DAMN if Chris Brown’s ugly cry-face tears were real, fake or a mixture of both. Dude KILLED it, and forced his ex-fans to re-remember why they rocked with him two years ago when R&B rested on his shoulders. Mm, yea..maybe, he’s probably still an emotionally-disturbed little boy with the worst kind bitchAZZNEZZ coursing through his veins but he certainly moonwalked toward redemption with his incredibly-nostalgic, BET Awards-saving performance that may have both defined and saved his now stable career.
“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro. Follow Me: twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8.
(2010) ÷ (2) hasn’t put the C in coonery, R in ratchetness or F in F@%#%y—yet—like ’09, but it’s definitely been a ‘LaMiltonous’ play cousin to the ‘most tragedy-tattered, HATE-smathered, scandal-splattered year, maybe EV-ER.’
So far, this year, Drake DeBarge made EMO-Hip-POP&B cool, ‘Book of Bieber’ > Book of Eli, Tiny, Toya & ’Tasia’s ‘negro dialect’ was Harry Reid-approved, Betty White’s awesomeness earned her eternal life, Ms. Badu’s mighty donk meat scarred white kids for life, Brandy’s lacefront > Chris Brown’s bowtie, Boondocks pushed kids to get up, get out & do ‘hood rat stuff,’ Gilbert was dumb-‘Tiger’ was dumber & ‘Big Ben’ was thee dumbest,VH1’s ‘UNmarried Wives’ > Bravo’s ‘homeless-housewives,’ Keri’s vocal chords finally packed their sh*t & left..with Mo’Nique’s inside voice & Dream’s neck and, yes, BP misused & abused Mother Earth like her name was Kat Stacks. (etc.)
And with that said, I’ll hit [STOP] on the Intro and [START] on the Awards.
Golden O_o Award.
KanyeGate: Taylor Swift’s Incredible Nite…Winning Other People’s Grammy’s.
Well kids, ‘wronged’ white people ALWAYS WIN (See: Sandra Bullock) especially when they’re ‘wronged’ by those who look just like US (See: Elin Woods). Yea OK, Taylor had a hit or two (“Fairytale”) before ‘Kanye The Black-Hearted negro’s’ cold-blooded mic-snatch seen’t ’round the world but she wasn’t one of Barbara Walters’ ‘most fascinating people,’ Time’s ‘100 Most Influential People’ or even a ONE-time Grammy winner until the now legendary KanyeGate.
I mean, let’s be real, Carrie Underwood (who really should be the face of Country/Pop) is to Beyonce as Taylor Swift is to Beyonce’s ashy left pinky toe. Yea, I said it, and feel like the Pop Gawds failed humanity by not pressing [Vocal Chords OFF] during Taylor’s terribly-tone-deafded Grammy’s performance that was later defended by her label. o__O.
Beyonce’s ‘Haiti, I can see your Halo’ (Haiti Telethon RE-interpolation Mix).
Why Did I Get Married Too?’s ENDING: Janet Vs. Captain Crust Lipz (Malik Yoba)
McKEE DEEZ ‘N@#$%Z be shuckin, jivin & RAPPIN’ son’ Ad Campaign.
Kobe Bryant’s ‘Draketrosexual’ photoshoot for Vanity Fair.
‘Wait, Wha?!’ Award
BP’s Gaffe-Machine CEO Tony Hayward Officially Joins ‘Eternal Infamy Club.’:
“I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest.”
(umm, then he said this: “We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their (people affected by disaster) lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back.”)
At this point, I don’t need for my Commander-in-Chief to be calm, respectful and patient while ‘finding out whose ass to kick’ mid-oil spill crisis. NO. I NEED him to go ALL.DEE.WAY.OFF, DAMMIT! ..and breaketh his foot in BP’s azz (Damn an ‘ass kick’), with Tony Hayward being first in line.
Yea, Obama’s my dude, my role model, my inspiration but this ‘soft, wait-and-see’ shxt is killin’ me. I need more aggression, outbursts and scowls during his press conferences. Dammit, I just need him to start acting like “Crazy Joe Clark” by chaining the White House doors and treating these heartless (BP) bastards like they go to Eastside High School. *slides Obama mama’s old Louie Slugga*
Nominees:
Diddy crowns Ricky ‘The N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S. W.A.L.R.U.S.’ ‘Biggie of the South’
Teeny’s (infamous) over-dramatical cell phone conversation with Fantasia.
Drake’s Thank Me Later punchlines.
Ron Artest’s post-Championship-winning shoutouts to his ‘hood’ & ‘Psychiatrist.’
N*gga Moment of the (Half)Year
Gen. Larry Platt Cranks That ‘FREED SLAVE’ on American Idol.
I’ve never questioned who Sweet Baby Jezuz issued ‘15-min. of fame’ cards to until stone-cold-crackhead-coon Larry Platt gloriously ascended into utter COONdom during America’s most popular show American Idol.
There he was, an ex-civil rights activist/War-Vet, slowly erasing his golden legacy like an ’ole azz Ex-FAMU Drum Major trying to prove ‘he’s still got it’ at the Homecoming game. O_O. However, unlike most ’60s-scarred old heads who actually know when to SAT their azz down, brotha Platt didn’t give a DAMN and WENT SMOOV OFF on National TV.
He dipped, sambo-bopped and popped (while sangin’ his ‘numba-wun-sangle’) in ways that would’ve made Rosa Parks politely collect her belongings and move to the back of her bus had she known we’d be stuck on this ‘Stepin Fetchit’ shxt three decades later. *Sleep‘N’Eat slide…and shrug*
Nominees:
*No other nominees were even considered. Carry on.
Fashion WIN
‘Rompers’ aka ‘New-Age Onesies’
There’s nothin’ more chase-worthy than a ‘nerdy quirky sexy’ woman with pretty natural tresses, toes and eyes who effortlessly rocks the trendy ‘new-age Onesies’ known as ‘Rompers.’
‘Rompers’ are easily one of my favorite fashion fads (and I HATE fashion fads) usually worn by cutesy petite/sweetly voluptuous women with brilliant ‘accessorization’ skills & a wildy-creative fashion edge. They’re cool, chic, upgrade-able (or downgrade-able) and often showcase a woman’s best physical features (Niiice). YES ladies, it’s official: ‘Romper’s = Alejandro-approved.
Fashion FAIL
Summer-Ready Feet MINUS pinky toenails *Back by popular demand.
As a part of my ‘Summer Side-Eye Guide,’I informed ladies worldwidethat it was no longer acceptable to showcase Ming Lee’s finest toenail art with missing pinky toenails and recommended ‘Tiny Sized’ Chiclets to replace the decrepit & gone with the fresh & new. (See: Directions below)
Directions:
A) Remove matching toenail-colored Chiclet from package with tweezers. B) Carefully dip Chiclet in ACME super glue/liquid cement. C) Gently slide Chiclet into naked pinky toe nail nub with tweezers. D) Allow Chiclet to rest for 2-4 hours.]
Best Movie
How To Train Your Dragon 3D was the most wonderfully-entertaining film of the year until Toy Story 3D easily made every other movie irrelevant. So, umm, I’ll just call it a tie between the witty toys & Emo-dragons since I really don’t feel like RE-doing the art for this Award. Thanks for understanding.
Nominees:
Iron Man 2
Alice in Wonderland 3D
Date Night
Whackest Movie
Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too? The Preacher’s Kid
I’m sorry—but—I nearly asked for my $1 back (yea, it was $1 theater nite) after suffering through this insanely-nonsensical, poorly-acted, woefully-predictable ‘chuuch folk melodrama’ that made me roll my eyes, suck my teeth and sigh heavily more than I ever have during KANG Perry’s most utterly unbearable flicks.
Trust me, Jezuz was NOT pleased with this epically fail-riddled ‘Tyler Perry tribute’ nor did he ever bless LaToya Luckett & Tank with the ability to ‘act’ as evidenced by their painfully-awful scenes together. O_O.
Nominees:
Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too?
Nightmare on Elm Street 2.0
Get Him To The Greek
Best Album
Janelle MonaeThe ArchAndroid
Twenty-five years ago, strange made love to weird on Planet X and conceived an incredibly-talented love spawn named Janelle Monae who (recently) dropped one of the most whimsically-brilliant, delightfully-nostalgic albums I’ve ever heard, and can’t stop playing.
The album? ArchAndroid, which innovatively blends Nu-ElectroSoul, Synthy-Funk, Jazzy R&B & ’80s-Pop throughout 18 rewind-worthy tracks (See: “Faster” below). Believe me, this is an instant classic, 2010’s Album of the Year and a MUST-COP for anyone who claims to ‘love’ music or complains that ‘real music’ is dead.
Nominees:
Erykah BaduNew Amerykah Part Two (Return of the Ankh)
The RootsHow I Got Over
Broken BellsBroken Bells
Dopest Hip-Hop Song
Pac Div “Here We Go”
I haven’t heard a record this emotionally-haunting in a minute. It’s gritty, deeply-introspective and bangs like it was born in ’94. World…Pac Div…Pac Div…World. That is all.
Nominees:
Method Man, Raekwon & Ghostface “Our Dreams”
Lupe Fiasco “I’m Beamin”
The Roots Feat. Phonte, Blu & Patty Cash “The Day”
Dopest R&B/Soul/Pop Song
Janelle Monae “Faster”
THIS.IS.MY.JAM..and should be yours too. Like, rite now!.
Nominees:
Erykah Badu “Gone Baby, Don’t Be Long”
Raheem DeVaughn Feat. Wale “The Greatness”
Will.I.Am Feat. Thugnificent “D*ck Ridin’ Obama”
José James Feat. Jordana De Lovely “Love Conversations”
Whackest Album
PliesGoon Affiliated
On Goon Affiliated gnome-sized skankzoid-magnet Plies boasts that his goons could bring him ‘BEN LADDEN’ (“Whatever I Say”), gushes about his “sweet meat” (“Good D__K”) and tries entirely too hard to brainwash you into adding ‘Bruh Bruh’ to your everyday vocab (“Bruh Bruh”). No, I’m serious, and would love to ask Plies why he continues to release these intellectually-insulting records when he knows that we know he’s nothing like what he pretends to be on his records.
Nominees:
DJ KhaledVictory
LudacrisBattle of the Sexes
Vivian GreeneBeautiful
Wrist-Slitter Award
Plies “She Got It Made”
I’d rather…
A) Listen to an A. Keys/Corinne Bailey Rae ‘Greatest Love of All’ power-duet. Acapella.
B) Be forced to drink a glass of freshly squeezed Ricky Walrus tittay-milk.
C) Play Candy Land with Justin Bieber, Lil’ Twist & Jaden Smith.
D) Bathe in Ke$ha’s filth-polluted bath water..with her in the tub..naked.
…than listen to this wretched re-interpolation of an already incredibly-annoying song that didn’t even deserve to be re-interpolated.
Nominees:
Justin Bieber Feat. Ludacris “Baby”
Nicki Minaj Feat. Sean Garrett “Massive Attack”
Drake “Find Your Love”
Finale: TEN Burning Questions? …sponsored by Kat Stacks’ Vaginal Love Tubes
10. Who knew Travis Porter, Travie McCoy & Travis Barker were different people?!
9. Who let Mike Tyson answer the phone during BET/MTV’s ‘Help For Haiti’ telethon?!
7. How is Trey Songz the ‘King of R&B’ when he’s never gone ‘Platinum?!’
6. Why does Jamie Foxx still imitate Ray Charles like he’s promoting Ray 2?
5. Why did Don Cheadle have a ‘Let’s JAM’-slicked temp fade in Iron Man 2?
4. Why did so many ladies label CiCi’s epic HOSh!t in ‘Ride’ as ‘visually creative art?’
3. Why was Sandra Bullock nominated for an NAACP Image Award for ‘Best Actress?’
2. What made Gucci’s crust-bruised lips file a restraining order against chapstick?!
1. How the hell do you steal Tyler Perry’s credit card number and NOT cop extravagant planes, magnificent spaceships/submarines, Scandinavian villas, small islands, rapping Hamsters & orangutans that can sing & dance (like in Jungle Book), iPhone 4G stock & thousands of untraceable gift cards but chose, instead, to buy home goods, groceries, toys and hit the damn movies?! o_O. (See: Quita & ’nem’s KANG Perry-sponsored ‘shopping spree’ HERE: http://straightfromthea.com/2010/05/17/tyler-perrys-stolen-credit-card-charged-over-28000/
“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro.
My name is ‘Alejandro’ and I’m a cultural critic/fearless humorist/Hip-Hop expert…in my own creatively-diseased MIND. I’m also the best blogger alive. *serious face* ..Ha, nah, I’m playin. Follow Me: twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8. Friend Me: AlejandroFord/Facebook. Email Me: dzstrickland@gmail.com. Call me:
