As much as I’d like to crown Willie L. Roberts’ (“Rick Ross”) epically-produced, feature-flooded mega-opus Teflon Don a certified classic (or 2010’s “Album of the Year”), I simply can’t, and won’t, considering that it’s nothing more than 11 fantasy-coated pieces of extravagant ear candy with no heart, substance or timeless appeal.

Believe me, I wanted to press [OFF] on my ‘elitist hipsterism’ and induct Teflon Don into the Hip-Hop Hall-of-Fame with Illmatic, Reasonable Doubt and Ready To Die (etc.) like every other mind-fcuked Ricky-stan sipping freshly-squeezed titty milk from Ricky’s ink-scribbled D-cups until I realized ‘Ricky Rozay’s’ glamorous delusionism would never let my Teflon Don experience be great, or remotely nostalgic.

See, in Ricky’s beautiful mind, he’s already a living legend whose lyrical magnificence, Def Jam-fueled dominance and glorious sex symbol-status are the only barriers standing between Hip-Hop & a deluxe pine box which certainly explains why Teflon Don failed to feel like anything other than a sensationalized collection of glitzy fairy tales (obviously planted in his subconscious by brilliant ‘Inceptionists’).

Um..yes, ‘glitzy fairy tales’ that only grew more fantastical by the bar to the point of utter hilarity as evidenced on the Earth-rattling banger “B.M.F (Blowin’ Money Fast)” where he thirstily attaches his legacy to notorious criminals Big Meech & Larry Hoover (“I think I’m Big Meech, Larry Hoover/whippin’ work, Hallelujah!”) just moments after immortalizing MC Hammer on the equally colossal “MC  Hammer” (“I’m ridin’ dirty, my d*ck clean/She talk dirty, but her mouth clean/B*tch I’m MC Hammer..I’m about cream!”).

Produced by synthy-symphonic beatmaker Lex Luger (Shawty Redd’s #1 Stan), “B.M.F” & “MC Hammer” sound nearly identical, and were probably packaged together as a “Buy ONE Epic Banger-Get ONE Free” special only available to Ricky if he A) agreed to feature the tracks back-to-back on the album rather than B) replacing “B.M.F” with the stunning “Mafia Music II” or diabolical “Audio Meth.”

Why ‘Rozay’ chose A over B, I’ll never know (or care), but that’s neither here nor there when compared to his tragically-Diddy-bopped Trey+Diddy-collab “No. 1” which definitely should’ve been Track #11 on the oft-delayed Dirty Money album, not Track #7 on the year’s ‘most-anticipated’ album. Dawn & Kaleena *‘Dirty Pocket change’ shrug*

Now, to be fair, Teflon Don is easily Ricky’s best, most complete record to date (if you suspend reality while focusing solely on the production) mainly due to its incredibly-polished soundscapes (Kanye, Clark Kent, No I.D. etc), with the most beautifully-grandiose production provided by the ultra-talented J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League (“Maybach Music III” & “Aston Martin Music”).

And yes, I agree, Ricky’s Teflon Don-flow, enunciation & cadences > ALL Port of Miami+Trilla+Deeper Than Rap everything even though he’s murdered by Hov on the thinly-veiled middle finger to ‘Hov = illuminati’-conspiracists “Free Mason,” Kanye on the soulfully-spasmodic anthem “Live Fast, Die Young” and Hip-POP&B’s Prince Drake on the sleekly-seductive “Aston Martin Music.”

But, then again, I doubt anyone noticed Ricky’s never-ending flurry of anti-quotables (“If she died on my d*ck she would live through my rhymes”) or cared about T.I., Jada & Erykah’s ‘Maybach irrelevance,’ Gucci Mane’s uber-whack “MC Hammer” verse (“I’m MC Hammer…I put dat on my Gran’ma”) (or) Chrisette & Raphael Saadiq’s wasted talents due to the album’s impeccable production quality.

To most (who didn’t cop the new Big Boi, Roots or B.O.B. album), Teflon Don is a gift from the Hip-Hop Gods meant to be banged until Summer turns to Fall but to ‘elitist hipsters,’ like myself (That’s what ‘they’ said) it’s merely just a solid, mildly-epic concept record (with an 08/01/2010 expiration date) that epitomizes ‘style over substance.’

Overall, ‘Ricky Rozay’ deserves credit for making consumers forget that he’s just as fraudulent as Plies building a lucrative brand (despite never having gone platinum) that started decades ago during Slip-N-Slide’s golden era (See: Trina “Told Ya’ll”) but won’t receive anything higher than 2.3/4 Stars from me for an overhyped, overrated, overdebated ‘audio movie experience’ with (again) no heart, substance or timeless appeal.

Saying that this year’s BET Awards (sponsored by Let’s JAM-style control, Cluck-U Chicken, St. Ides malt liquor & Cash4Gold.com) weren’t as epically-fail-smeared as the previous 9 is like crowning Alicia Keys the classiest celebrity homewrecker of our HoSh!t-plagued generation, stamping Year No. 475 of Slavery the ‘Best Slave trade year EVER’ or celebrating Madea Goes To Jail as the least coonish movie of Kang Perry’s coonificent career.

I mean, let’s be real, BET is too damn established (and globally-recognized) to (still) be producing ‘Consolation Prize-worthy Award shows speckled with entertaining bits & pieces of utter hilarity, fcukery & nincompoopery without any substance, meaning or reason to be remembered 2 days, 3 weeks, 4 months or 5 years from now.

However, 68% of my Twitter (Twitter is Alicia Keys to my Swizz Beatz. FB = Mashonda. Sad, I know.) timeline actually praised this year’s bi-polar BETs (which, to me, were neither good nor turrrrrble) as a ‘shockingly good..enjoyable & even excellent show’ which, I guess, makes me a stone-cold ‘hater’ for the following ‘shade-cloaked’ (mini)recap of the ‘Greatest BET Awards of ALL-Timez.’ And no, Kanye won’t be pleased. Press [PLAY].

Now, I don’t hate BET, Queen Stutter-Lipz Debbie Lee or her ‘stepin fetchit’ side-kick Stephen Hill, but I refuse to gush over a 5 ½-hour Awards-a-thon with:

A) (An) Instantly forgettable opener (I luh you Queen..but..no) that put the ‘C’ in cliché.

B) Idiotic production value that reeked of polished last-minute-ness (too much damn smoke here, no nominees video there, uber-whack skits, illegible font on the teleprompter etc).

C) Pointless Awards (NO RiRi. NO Hov. NO Bey. NO GaGa. NO Bieber..and..umm.. Prince put his on the floor) that no one, but BET, seemed to care about.

D) Epic moments (Chris Brown’s incredible Mike Jack tribute) routinely ruined by WTF moments (random tone-deafded singer featured just moments after CB).

But, then again, maybe I’m wrong for focusing on Kanye’s tragically-uninspired comeback performance atop the Guts ‘Agro Crag,’ Drake’s EMO-Hip-POP&B spirit fingers/happy hands, ‘Classic’ Ursh Vs. ‘Has Been’ Ursh’s identity crisis, J. Cole’s ‘blink & you missed it’ performance (Thanks Debbie Lee. O_o), BET’s diabolical plot to make us love El DeBarge again, Em-T.I.-Dirty$-Khaled-B.O.B-Drake-A.Keys’-been there, done that, seen that-performances, Trey Songz being side-eyed by Prince & shamed by Patti and Alicia Keys’ adultery-stained uterine walls that ‘errrrbody  else,’ but me, and a few others, seemed to thoroughly enjoy.

Bleh, it’s cool, I’ll just sit in the corner—while ‘errrbody else’ puts lips to BET’s dimply booty cheeks—and reminisce about the MTV Music Awards’ (Mid-’90s) which, to me, are the rulers by which music-themed Awards shows ought to be measured, and will be, several years from now.

Were the Awards entertaining..at times? Yes. Did I go crazy when CB re-mixed “Remember The Time” and Janelle Monae killed “Let’s Go Crazy” in the name of Prince (Wait, Stevie Wonder actually saw Prince perform? I can’t.)? Absolutely. Umm..but..those were the only memorable moments (yea, and the Love Jones skit) along with the following mental sidenotes I made when trying to make sense of it all, when it was all said & done.

Sidenote #1: Alicia Keys should be: A) forced to rock a bold, italicized & underlined ‘A’ over her baby bump for stealing another woman’s husband-turnt-child support fund who she’s currently knocked up by and engaged to B) court ordered to swallow ear plugs every few days to protect her unborn baby C) warned by child protective services that she can’t do ‘hood rat stuff’ like cootchie-pop on a grand piano while she’s pregnant.

Sidenote #2: I’ll always love Deniece Williams (“Silly of Me”) even though she struggled mightily to hit A NOTE during her [MUTE]-worthy duet with Monica..the pretty stick figure. Nervous? Mmm, I guess, but I doubt there was ever any hope for those cobwebb-covered high notes that (obviously) packed their sh*t & left decades ago with Etta, Minnie & Whitney’s (respectively).

Sidenote #3: May God bless the sweet baby flamingos used to create Debbie May Lee’s (uber-fugly) exotical Awards gown apparatus.

Sidenote #4: I’m almost certain DEEE JAAAYYY Khaled gets fatter every time he says the word: “Win” and looked like he was hiding KFC Double Downs in his pastel colored letterman jacket. Khaled’s man boobettes > Ricky Walrus.

Sidenote #5: The Devil was definitely busy up, down and through every wicked clipper blade used to murk John Legend’s might-don’t-make-it hairline that looked like it had been shaped up by Muhammed Ali that looked like the scene of a cold-blooded hate crime. Missing patches/corners & edges of hairline..while accepting an Award..on National TV? Really?! O_O. Please…call 555-1818 if you have any information regarding the whereabouts of the upper-right corner of John Legend’s ethered hairline.

Finale: Chris Brown’s Redemption

I really don’t give a DAMN if Chris Brown’s ugly cry-face tears were real, fake or a mixture of both. Dude KILLED it, and forced his ex-fans to re-remember why they rocked with him two years ago when R&B rested on his shoulders. Mm, yea..maybe, he’s probably still an emotionally-disturbed little boy with the worst kind bitchAZZNEZZ coursing through his veins but he certainly moonwalked toward redemption with his incredibly-nostalgic, BET Awards-saving performance that may have both defined and saved his now stable career.

“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro. Follow Me: twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8.

(2010) ÷ (2) hasn’t put the C in coonery, R in ratchetness or F in F@%#%y—yet—like ’09, but it’s definitely been a ‘LaMiltonous’ play cousin to the ‘most tragedy-tattered, HATE-smathered, scandal-splattered year, maybe EV-ER.’

So far, this year, Drake DeBarge made EMO-Hip-POP&B cool, ‘Book of Bieber’ > Book of Eli, Tiny, Toya & ’Tasia’s ‘negro dialect’ was Harry Reid-approved, Betty White’s awesomeness earned her eternal life, Ms. Badu’s mighty donk meat scarred white kids for life, Brandy’s lacefront > Chris Brown’s bowtie, Boondocks pushed kids to get up, get out & do ‘hood rat stuff,’ Gilbert was dumb-‘Tiger’ was dumber & ‘Big Ben’ was thee dumbest,VH1’s ‘UNmarried Wives’ > Bravo’s ‘homeless-housewives,’ Keri’s vocal chords finally packed their sh*t & left..with Mo’Nique’s inside voice & Dream’s neck and, yes, BP misused & abused Mother Earth like her name was Kat Stacks. (etc.)

And with that said, I’ll hit [STOP] on the Intro and [START] on the Awards.

Golden O_o Award.

KanyeGate: Taylor Swift’s Incredible Nite…Winning Other People’s Grammy’s.

Well kids, ‘wronged’ white people ALWAYS WIN (See: Sandra Bullock) especially when they’re ‘wronged’ by those who look just like US (See: Elin Woods). Yea OK, Taylor had a hit or two (“Fairytale”) before ‘Kanye The Black-Hearted negro’s’ cold-blooded mic-snatch seen’t ’round the world but she wasn’t one of Barbara Walters’ ‘most fascinating people,’ Time’s ‘100 Most Influential People’ or even a ONE-time Grammy winner until the now legendary KanyeGate.

I mean, let’s be real, Carrie Underwood (who really should be the face of Country/Pop) is to Beyonce as Taylor Swift is to Beyonce’s ashy left pinky toe. Yea, I said it, and feel like the Pop Gawds failed humanity by not pressing [Vocal Chords OFF] during Taylor’s terribly-tone-deafded Grammy’s performance that was later defended by her label. o__O.

Nominees:

Uber-corny Rap break, Niki Scherkerznjzer cameo & J.Bieb/Miley vocals = ‘WATW 25’

Beyonce’s ‘Haiti, I can see your Halo’ (Haiti Telethon RE-interpolation Mix).

Why Did I Get Married Too?’s ENDING: Janet Vs. Captain Crust Lipz (Malik Yoba)

McKEE DEEZ ‘N@#$%Z be shuckin, jivin & RAPPIN’ son’ Ad Campaign.

Kobe Bryant’s ‘Draketrosexual’ photoshoot for Vanity Fair.

‘Wait, Wha?!’ Award

BP’s Gaffe-Machine CEO Tony Hayward Officially Joins ‘Eternal Infamy Club.’:

“I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest.”

(umm, then he said this: “We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their (people affected by disaster) lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back.”)

At this point, I don’t need for my Commander-in-Chief to be calm, respectful and patient while ‘finding out whose ass to kick’ mid-oil spill crisis. NO. I NEED him to go ALL.DEE.WAY.OFF, DAMMIT! ..and breaketh his foot in BP’s azz (Damn an  ‘ass kick’), with Tony Hayward being first in line.

Yea, Obama’s my dude, my role model, my inspiration but this ‘soft, wait-and-see’ shxt is killin’ me. I need more aggression, outbursts and scowls during his press conferences. Dammit, I just need him to start acting like “Crazy Joe Clark” by chaining the White House doors and treating these heartless (BP) bastards like they go to Eastside High School. *slides Obama mama’s old Louie Slugga*

Nominees:

Diddy crowns Ricky ‘The N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S. W.A.L.R.U.S.’ ‘Biggie of the South’

Queen Bee Lil’ Kim/Queen Barbie Nicki Minaj BEEF over UNpaid homage.

Teeny’s (infamous) over-dramatical cell phone conversation with Fantasia.

Drake’s Thank Me Later punchlines.

Ron Artest’s post-Championship-winning shoutouts to his ‘hood’ & ‘Psychiatrist.’

N*gga Moment of the (Half)Year

Gen. Larry Platt Cranks That ‘FREED SLAVE’ on American Idol.

I’ve never questioned who Sweet Baby Jezuz issued ‘15-min. of fame’ cards to until stone-cold-crackhead-coon Larry Platt gloriously ascended into utter COONdom during America’s most popular show American Idol.

There he was, an ex-civil rights activist/War-Vet, slowly erasing his golden legacy like an ’ole azz Ex-FAMU Drum Major trying to prove ‘he’s still got it’ at the Homecoming game. O_O. However, unlike most ’60s-scarred old heads who actually know when to SAT their azz down, brotha Platt didn’t give a DAMN and WENT SMOOV OFF on National TV.

He dipped, sambo-bopped and popped (while sangin’ his ‘numba-wun-sangle’) in ways that would’ve made Rosa Parks politely collect her belongings and move to the back of her bus had she known we’d be stuck on this ‘Stepin Fetchit’ shxt three decades later. *Sleep‘N’Eat slide…and shrug*

Nominees:

*No other nominees were even considered. Carry on.

Fashion WIN

‘Rompers’ aka ‘New-Age Onesies’

There’s nothin’ more chase-worthy than a ‘nerdy quirky sexy’ woman with pretty natural tresses, toes and eyes who effortlessly rocks the trendy ‘new-age Onesies’ known as ‘Rompers.’

‘Rompers’ are easily one of my favorite fashion fads (and I HATE fashion fads) usually worn by cutesy petite/sweetly voluptuous women with brilliant ‘accessorization’ skills & a wildy-creative fashion edge. They’re cool, chic, upgrade-able (or downgrade-able) and often showcase a woman’s best physical features (Niiice). YES ladies, it’s official: ‘Romper’s = Alejandro-approved.

Fashion FAIL

Summer-Ready Feet MINUS pinky toenails *Back by popular demand.

As a part of my ‘Summer Side-Eye Guide,’ I informed ladies worldwide that it was no longer acceptable to showcase Ming Lee’s finest toenail art with missing pinky toenails and recommended ‘Tiny Sized’ Chiclets to replace the decrepit & gone with the fresh & new. (See: Directions below)

Directions:

A) Remove matching toenail-colored Chiclet from package with tweezers. B) Carefully dip Chiclet in ACME super glue/liquid cement. C) Gently slide Chiclet into naked pinky toe nail nub with tweezers. D) Allow Chiclet to rest for 2-4 hours.]

Best Movie

How To Train Your Dragon 3D was the most wonderfully-entertaining film of the year until Toy Story 3D easily made every other movie irrelevant. So, umm, I’ll just call it a tie between the witty toys & Emo-dragons since I really don’t feel like RE-doing the art for this Award. Thanks for understanding.

Nominees:

Iron Man 2

Alice in Wonderland 3D

Date Night

Whackest Movie

Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too? The Preacher’s Kid

I’m sorry—but—I nearly asked for my $1 back (yea, it was $1 theater nite) after suffering through this insanely-nonsensical, poorly-acted, woefully-predictable ‘chuuch folk melodrama’ that made me roll my eyes, suck my teeth and sigh heavily more than I ever have during KANG Perry’s most utterly unbearable flicks.

Trust me, Jezuz was NOT pleased with this epically fail-riddled ‘Tyler Perry tribute’ nor did he ever bless LaToya Luckett & Tank with the ability to ‘act’ as evidenced by their painfully-awful scenes together. O_O.

Nominees:

Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too?

Nightmare on Elm Street 2.0

Get Him To The Greek

Best Album

Janelle Monae The ArchAndroid

Twenty-five years ago, strange made love to weird on Planet X and conceived an incredibly-talented love spawn named Janelle Monae who (recently) dropped one of the most whimsically-brilliant, delightfully-nostalgic albums I’ve ever heard, and can’t stop playing.

The album? ArchAndroid, which innovatively blends Nu-ElectroSoul, Synthy-Funk, Jazzy R&B & ’80s-Pop throughout 18 rewind-worthy tracks (See: “Faster” below). Believe me, this is an instant classic, 2010’s Album of the Year and a MUST-COP for anyone who claims to ‘love’ music or complains that ‘real music’ is dead.

Nominees:

Erykah Badu New Amerykah Part Two (Return of the Ankh)

The Roots How I Got Over

Broken Bells Broken Bells

Dopest Hip-Hop Song

Pac Div “Here We Go”

I haven’t heard a record this emotionally-haunting in a minute. It’s gritty, deeply-introspective and bangs like it was born in ’94. World…Pac Div…Pac Div…World. That is all.

Nominees:

Method Man, Raekwon & Ghostface “Our Dreams”

Lupe Fiasco “I’m Beamin”

The Roots Feat. Phonte, Blu & Patty Cash “The Day”

Dopest R&B/Soul/Pop Song

Janelle Monae “Faster”

THIS.IS.MY.JAM..and should be yours too. Like, rite now!.

Nominees:

Erykah Badu “Gone Baby, Don’t Be Long”

Raheem DeVaughn Feat. Wale “The Greatness”

Will.I.Am Feat. Thugnificent “D*ck Ridin’ Obama”

José James Feat. Jordana De Lovely “Love Conversations”

Whackest Album

Plies Goon Affiliated

On Goon Affiliated gnome-sized skankzoid-magnet Plies boasts that his goons could bring him ‘BEN LADDEN’ (“Whatever I Say”), gushes about his “sweet meat” (“Good D__K”) and tries entirely too hard to brainwash you into adding ‘Bruh Bruh’ to your everyday vocab (“Bruh Bruh”). No, I’m serious, and would love to ask Plies why he continues to release these intellectually-insulting records when he knows that we know he’s nothing like what he pretends to be on his records.

Nominees:

DJ Khaled Victory

Ludacris Battle of the Sexes

Vivian Greene Beautiful

Wrist-Slitter Award

Plies “She Got It Made”

I’d rather…

A) Listen to an A. Keys/Corinne Bailey Rae ‘Greatest Love of All’ power-duet. Acapella.

B) Be forced to drink a glass of freshly squeezed Ricky Walrus tittay-milk.

C) Play Candy Land with Justin Bieber, Lil’ Twist & Jaden Smith.

D) Bathe in Ke$ha’s filth-polluted bath water..with her in the tub..naked.

…than listen to this wretched re-interpolation of an already incredibly-annoying song that didn’t even deserve to be re-interpolated.

Nominees:

Justin Bieber Feat. Ludacris “Baby”

Nicki Minaj Feat. Sean Garrett “Massive Attack”

Drake “Find Your Love”

Finale: TEN Burning Questions? …sponsored by Kat Stacks’ Vaginal Love Tubes

10. Who knew Travis Porter, Travie McCoy & Travis Barker were different people?!

9. Who let Mike Tyson answer the phone during BET/MTV’s ‘Help For Haiti’ telethon?!

7. How is Trey Songz the ‘King of R&B’ when he’s never gone ‘Platinum?!’

6. Why does Jamie Foxx still imitate Ray Charles like he’s promoting Ray 2?

5. Why did Don Cheadle have a ‘Let’s JAM’-slicked temp fade in Iron Man 2?

4. Why did so many ladies label CiCi’s epic HOSh!t in ‘Ride’ as ‘visually creative art?’

3. Why was Sandra Bullock nominated for an NAACP Image Award for ‘Best Actress?’

2. What made Gucci’s crust-bruised lips file a restraining order against chapstick?!

1. How the hell do you steal Tyler Perry’s credit card number and NOT cop extravagant planes, magnificent spaceships/submarines, Scandinavian villas, small islands, rapping Hamsters & orangutans that can sing & dance (like in Jungle Book), iPhone 4G stock & thousands of untraceable gift cards but chose, instead, to buy home goods, groceries, toys and hit the damn movies?! o_O. (See: Quita & ’nem’s KANG Perry-sponsored ‘shopping spree’ HERE: http://straightfromthea.com/2010/05/17/tyler-perrys-stolen-credit-card-charged-over-28000/

“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro.

My name is ‘Alejandro’ and I’m a cultural critic/fearless humorist/Hip-Hop expert…in my own creatively-diseased MIND. I’m also the best blogger alive. *serious face* ..Ha, nah, I’m playin. Follow Me: twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8. Friend Me: AlejandroFord/Facebook. Email Me: dzstrickland@gmail.com. Call me:

By The Left Side Poets featuring Ronald Clark, Terry Odis, Tolani Oyefule and Martin Tucker

Her womb fostered my growth in its infancy
protecting my innocence
she was the first person to love me.
This is that, scaredy-cat ride home
where anguish hacks through my curls
I took that beating like the best of mice
with no hole in the wall to zip up my jaw
I needed you.
My back to the wall she reaches me
talks through cellular frequency
though I’ve never been afraid before, never like this.
No, not like this.
Held me in her arms,
lying down the foundation for my strength
she is the reason I made it to manhood
I just couldn’t disappoint.
Her eyes follow me,
taking in her own doing
she sculpted me in a cloak of her values.
I cry, her voice brings peace to me
my silence ceases, she beckons me
to move forward.
In return I give my word,
that I will stay.
Stay the man that she created
Stay the bold and caring soul
Stay the child with endless passion
with resolve as yet untold.
I needed to
sift through these blessed eskimo kisses
that fit the description of medicinal schism
from yesterday
sandbox amnesia.
She, the kindest complexion
utter peace begets her face.
Even when my world is broken,
and I, strangled in my place.
This mother’s day,
I have the privilege of seeing
four generations of mothers.
The oldest of which, doesn’t speak,
but I’m convinced, that God has hidden his smile behind her eyes
she’s my great-grandmother.
Her daughter, my grandmother,
is the strongest woman I’ve ever met.
I’m convinced that God has dipped her in resilience
because everything life throws at her has been devoured
without her flinching.
She’s eaten cancer for breakfast
a brain tumor for lunch
and bad knees for dinner -
she’s having Satan for a midnight snack.
My sister, at five-feet even
bears the weight of the world on her shoulders
with a baby on her hip
now tell atlas to do that.
I can’t wait to find a woman as strong as you
so I can make her a strong mother too.
Then there’s my mother
who uses her heart and soul as ingredients in all of her meals.
She fills more than just bellies, she mends spirits
I guess that’s why they call it soul food.
I stay on her mind,
as she does on mine
tissue in her hand, hours before a tear drops
she is God’s manifestation of his love.
A woman who shoulders loads Samson wouldn’t try
parts seas of despair with Moses’ rod
her hugs melt away layers of insecurities.
She is always there to listen
although I doubt and may not see,
she is steadfast in her offer
faultless belief in me.
I wanna raise daughters like you
the four of you together are more beautiful than
a month of sunrises that I pray I am able to behold again.
Gracefully entering the different phases of life,
as you age, I return the favor
of your protection,
healing wounds with reciprocation
and yet,
when the call for love is made
and request given for one
I will answer resolutely
Her, a goddess
I, her son.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

The Left Side Poets are a group of poets who met in the Spring of 2008 at Hampton University. It consists of Sophia Buxton, Ronald Clark, Shawnon Corprew, Nikieta Faulkner, S. Velvet Noose, Terry Odis, Tolani Oyefule, Daniel Parrish and Martin Tucker, though there are others who can lay claim to being a Left Sider. For this occasion, the blessed holiday that is Mother’s Day, some of the men in the group came together to put into words their love for their mothers. Hope you enjoy it. And if you do, be on the lookout for their first book, The Left Side Poets Present: Strange Fruit, which drops in the fall.

To thousands, she’s Nicki Minaj—the illest femme-cee ALIVE—but to anti-fadsters, like me, she’s merely just Hip-POP’s Queen of the ALL FAKE EVERYthings—with a sock puppetish ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ flow—who proved that her brain, too, was ‘Made In China’ when she 8-6’d (ex-manager) ‘Ms. Debra’ aka the streets-saluted tastemaker behind criminally-UNtalented Yo Gabba Gabbsters Gucci Peppa Wangz & Waka Flocka Waaaakaaa (son)—to hire infamous career wreckist Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as her official ‘manager.’

..So, with that said, I’ve dredged up FIVE good reasons why Nicki ButterBARS (She SEGGZY..but her ‘rap’ bars?! ..c’mon son) should re-consider hopping in bed with the globally-side-eyed mega-mogul and putting her p@#$y on his sideburns..when Cassie’s asleep who’s never gon’ stop ‘never stopping’ even if it’s, well, what Jesus (…or any other label head with *3 Gold/Platinum albums on their roster since ’04) would do. *POW..Take Dat..Take Dat*

5. Young Money > Dirty Money: Nicki’s About $1…WTF is 2 (Dirty) Cents?!

Nicki’s a freshly-minted dime-piece compared to Diddy’s dirt-crusted pennies & pocket lintettes Dawn & Estelle Kalenna who’d instantly gain 1 ¼ stars standing beside the game’s baddest ‘5-Star’ bish—who’s easily ‘Azz & Titties Barbie’ to their ‘Gawjus Garbage Pale Kid’ & ‘Trendy Treasure Troll’ (respectively)—during their Last Train To Paris promo tour.

As Diddy’s brand new Dirty Money promo play toy, Nicki would no longer be the ‘Sarah Palin of Hip-Hop’ once he siphons her blog-fueled buzz into his own musically-irrevelant career thus proving why she needs a dope management team like ‘Hip-Hop Since 1978’ (Drake, Weezy, Kanye & Jeezy) to capitalize on her ever-growing mainstream popularity.

4. Diddy’s ‘Nicki Management Plan’ = Jay-Z’s ‘Amil Management Plan’

I’m certainly not Dionne Warwick..err, or Miss Cleo, but I’d bet my best Young Money pajamas (…with the footies) that ‘Diddy-managed Nicki’ adds the following ‘power moves’ to her Wiki-page by Month #6:

A) Features on Kiely Williams’ debut & Bran’Nu’s (Brandy) rap debut Bran’Nufrodisiac

B) Small roles in Tyler Perry’s Why Am I STILL Married? & Why Did I Get A Divorce?

C) Endorsement deals from Citi Trendz, Hasbro Kid Sister dolls, Cap’n D’s & Myspace.

D) Severing of ties with ghostwriters Drake & Weezy, and the Young Money crew.

3. Kima, Keisha, Pam…and Nicki?! ..Wait, wha?! ..World: ‘HELL+NO to Total 2.0’

Nicki may not realize this…yet, but she’s already agreed to headline Total 2.0 as the fourth lesbian member of the hood-beloved trio (Pg. 362 of 400, ‘Diddy Management Agreement’) that Diddy plans to re-launch after his Notorious R.I.C.K.Y. W.A.L.R.U.S. project with the next greatest Biggie re-boot not named Guerilla Black..err, or Shyne.

Honestly, I’d rather watch (girl group) Dream play Danity Kane in a celebrity basketball game than Day26 + lacefronts & lip gloss aka Kima, Keisha & Pam ‘shock the world’ with rap’s bargain-bin ’Lil Kim doll who makes them a smidge too relevant for their own VH1 reality show. Sorry..but, Nicki headlining Total 2.0 makes just as much sense as Keri Hilson linking with Adina Howard to re-boot Changing Faces.

2. Barbie Girl In Diddy’s Reality GAME WORLD

Diddy definitely had a fetish for playing childish mind games with fame-thirsty nobodies who did EVERYthing BUT wipe his turd-smeared azz (PAUSE.) with baby wipes during Making The Band (1-?), Making His Band & I Want To Work For Diddy (1-2) which put future ex-Bad Boy staffers on—well, kinda—unlike Nicki, who ‘joined’ the Bad Boy ‘empire’ after selling Diddy her Mattel-stamped soul.

However, you’re nothing in Diddy’s shade-cloaked eyes until you play his ego-punishing games which, in Nicki’s case, is one potentially career-ending challenge destined to either make her a management ‘priority’ or a forgotten commodity, like Janelle Monae:

1) Ether ‘Babs’ (Making The Band 1), ‘Mysterious’ (Making The Band 2) & special contender ‘Keys the Problem’ (World-Famous Nicki Minaj DISS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcAm2Pm15HU&feature=related.) during an MTV-aired freestyle battle for the femme-cee spot on Diddy’s Junior M.A.F.I.A. re-boot (Notorious W.A.L.R.U.S, Diggy Simmons, Jim Jones & Blinky Blink). I’ll call this Making the Band..err, 11.

[But, then again, you & me both know that George W. Bush has a better chance being elected Mayor of New Orleans than Nicki does winning a rap battle against any decent femme-cee other than maybe Sylk-E. Fine, Lumidee or Khia. *Solé shrug*]

1. The Inevitable Biggie/Nicki Minaj Collab= THE END of Hip-Hop.

The day Nicki name-drops Santa’s reindeer (..again), seven dwarfs, ten Care Bears or any other popular collection of make-believe creatures while trading bars with Biggie is the day I’ll beg GAWD to press backspace on humanity. I’m sorry…but I’d rather hear an Aaliyah/Fergie duet or Guru/Soulja Boy collab, than Biggie & ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ rock over endless Diddy ad-libs. *Jim Carrey shrug*

“Bad Boy…we ain’t gon’ stop..I couldn’t stop now if I wanted to. I will never stop” — Diddy.

Never has a MEGA-hyped somewhat-known-UNknown gone from being the dopest unsigned hypester on the globe to the dopiest P.R. FAILure in the Galaxy to a Grammy-winning quadruple threat with ‘Hip-Hop’s fate in his clutches’ until Canada’s great lite-brite hype Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham rocketed into superstardom with the globally-droOled-over ‘mixtalbum’ So Far Gone errrrr, riiiiight before plummeting into epic faildom, when he:

A) performed the ultra-explicit misogyno-smash “Every Girl” (..in a skinty bar stool) for a record-setting BET Awards viewing audience with a Chuck E. Cheese ‘ball crawl’-worth of underaged tweeny-bops on-stage (Drake on BET Awards debacle: “It was just timed very poorly and it definitely wasn’t planned like that”…“To anyone who was offended, my personal apologies; it wasn’t intended to offend anybody”)

B) starred in a skank-juice splattered video for his fcuk-face-inducing femme-anthem “Best I Ever Had” that he later apologized to his female fan base for releasing (Drake on soft-pornish music video debacle: “I guess one thing I didn’t consider is what the song personally means to a lot of women”…“To those women, I apologize. I do apologize. My intention wasn’t to put anyone down. It was to make them laugh. I wanted people to see something visually different.”)

C) crumpled into a pathetic chumpling on-stage during the America’s Most Wanted Tour (Feat. Weezy, Jeezy & Soulja Boy) despite being instructed by Doctors NOT to perform on his shredded ACL (Drake on-stage collapse debacle: “I blacked out and really forgot I was injured. I was just so full of adrenaline, so happy to be there, it kind of set in for me…”)

D) signed his soul over to an insanely-impregnatious Gremlin named Weezy (*Cue: Super Mario Death Ditty*: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHJSZSRSljk) who knighted him as thee, uh, other official face of his criminally-UNtalented Young Money collective consisting of nonsense spewing kiddy bops and a ‘Barbie’-obsessed ButterBARS with the illest femmecee ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ flow ever. *Jim Carrey shrug*

And somehow, these events occurred—back-to-back…to-back—only weeks after the lyrically-dexteritous uber-MC (“I’ma rapper-turnt-singer and you can tell that he smoke/I don’t need no vocal cords/All I hit is C-Notes/N.E.R.D. flow, I spaz if I’m provoked/I’m about to change the F@#$# game/Pass the remote”)/tolerable vocalist ‘melody hummer’ (See: “Say Somethin’”) emerged from the underground as the second-coming of (Golden-Era Hova) + (Pre-Bad Boy Biggie) + (Post-9 bullet-50 (Cent) who, unlike Aubrey, never won a Grammy, moved 200K+ officialized ‘mixtalbums’ (available for FREE online) or secured lucrative endorsement deals (Sprite) pre-debut album.

Dammit, Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham was Neo (The ONE), Luke Skywalker (The CHOSEN ONE) & Bruce LeRoy (The ONE + ‘The GLOW’) in the punch drunken hearts of mainstream POP fiends who had never heard of the preppy spitsmith or struggled through an episode of the ex-child TV star’s hit show Degrassi until Weezy publicly co-signed him as the NEXT, best..HIM.

..Um, but serious Hip-Hop heads?! ..Yea, we knew ‘Aubrey’—back then, during the golden ‘grustle daze’ and wept the day he dumped Hip-Hop to go steady with POP years after bringing an ‘Obamian’ sense of hope to the diseased genre during his inevitable come-up through Canada’s burgeoning Hip-Hop/Soul scene (See: Kardinall Offishall, Melanie Fiona & Slakah the Beatchild).

However, Aubrey DeBarge Graham was now simply ‘Drake’: Your Favorite Radio Programmer’s rapper’s most side-eyed rapper and yet another sugary radio killa MC with a nauseating Auto-Tune fetish, cringe-worthy ‘super-crew’ (with no purpose other than to hold his diamond-flushed jewels & Blackberry while he performs) and steadily declining anti-Pop following led by the same progressive backpackers who UNfollowed Weezy when “Lollipop” dropped.

BUT, then again, I doubt the mixed boy wonder’s Hip-POP love affair > his undeniable musical intangibles effortlessly displayed throughout his classic pre-deal mixtapes Comeback Season & Room For Improvement when his collabs with Little Brother & Elzhi “Don’t You Have A Man”/“Think Good Thoughts,” Slakah “Share” and Dwele “Deceiving” convinced me, along with countless others, that Drake was, indeed, IT.

So, now—finally—in 2010, the lyrical rapper formerly known as ‘Wheelchair Jimmy’ is poised to convert every doubter standing between him and his platinum plaque to a believer with one of the most anticipated Hip-Hop albums—maybe, ever—on the strenf of his wildly-ambitious/obsessively-scrutinized lead single “Over” which brilliantly infuses the BEST of ‘underground Aubrey’ with the absolute WORST of ‘Drizzy F. Baby’ in a way that no devoted fan/Draketheist © probably envisioned.

To me, “Over” bangs..but to you, it may..umm..NOT..but come [INSERT OFFICIAL Thank Me Later Release Date HERE (June 15?)] 2010, we’ll ALL (officially) know where Drake stands as a ‘Top-3’ candidate to one day rock the coveted Hip-Hop crown once co-worn by Big, Pac..and now *Hov (debatable)..hmm, honestly, only Drake knows and remember, he’s ‘just not anybody’…or is he?! ..Clock’s ticking.

Suffice it to say, the Akoo Clothing billboard in Newark, New Jersey, has ticked off more than a few people. After witnessing what has transpired over the past few days it might seem suitable to call this whole fiasco a gimmick. Keep in mind, however, that this is the fashion industry, and whether Black, White, tan or blue, what many may perceive as risque or over the top, fashion marketers simply see as good advertising. Forget the jeans, the girl, or the allegedly implied fellatio; Akoo was a virtually unheard of brand.

Without countless celebrity plugs from the likes of Clifford Harris (aka T.I.), pricey TV ads, or senseless promotions, Akoo accomplished in three days (thanks to media giants like CNN, ABC, and NBC) what some companies only hope to accomplish in a year.  Not only did the media frenzy generate awareness of the Akoo brand by creating a dialogue, Akoo pulled more than 300 posts on the net, and in the process expanded their advertising reach and possibly their demographic.

At the end of the day, what’s in “good taste” is always subjective, and everyone is entitled to their personal opinion. Including a 26-year-old, full-time communications major in her senior year at Olgethorpe University.  A southern gal straight from Hattiesburg, Dawn Montgomery also happens to be the model in Akoo’s controversial billboard. After all the fire and flames, blog commentary, and outrage, ESSENCE.com got the exclusive from Montgomery herself. We wanted to know why she thinks the ad may have been hard for people to swallow, and moreover, why she isn’t taking any of the scrutiny personally.

ESSENCE: Go back to the day of the shoot, what was Akoo’s concept?
MONTGOMERY: They wanted to do something that was sexy, urban, but could cross over into mainstream. Something that could easily be seen in Calvin Klein, Dolce and Gabbana, Diesel, or Abercrombie and Fitch.

ESSENCE: That being said, what direction were you given?
MONTGOMERY: They had a visual wall, and the shoot included me and two other young ladies, who were all told which scenes we would shoot. The scene they had prepared for me, (the billboard shot) was an image they were attempting to emulate from Calvin Klein. The photographer, along with Akoo, asked me how I felt and if I was comfortable in capturing that image. I felt that there was a better way to capture the image, knowing the urban circuit would take this totally left field, and insinuate more immediately. So I proposed instead to do my take on the image, and if they didn’t like it we could talk about doing something different.

ESSENCE: Obviously they did like your take on the original image, but describe the Calvin Klein image they attempted to emulate?
MONTGOMERY: It was a young lady who was on her knees–and, for the record, I was actually sitting on the floor, not on my knees–the model was facing his private area and pulling him towards her. Which is different than what you see on the billboard, although I still have my hands on his pants in a suggestive way, but my face is towards the camera, more laying on his leg. 

ESSENCE: Playing such a major role in the shoot, do you think the way feel people about the sexuality of the ad is justified?
MONTGOMERY: They are overreacting. What people fail to realize is if you do your research on this industry, fashion campaigns in mainstream America often feature both men and women naked. Fashion usually is the place to showcase raunchier imagery. However, when it comes to urban modeling, you rarely see a clothing line take you to that level. That’s what Akoo was trying to do.

ESSENCE: Public backlash is one thing, but has there been personal backlash?
MONTGOMERY: I had already called and reached out all my family about it beforehand.  My mother was caught off-guard when her co-workers told her about the image, after hearing the ad was on CNN. Of course, initially she wasn’t for it, but she, like the rest of my family, respects the decisions I have to make day-to-day as a model, and supports them. My whole family knows, including my four-year-old son, who has seen the image.

ESSENCE: Wait, so as a mother you wouldn’t feel upset driving down the street unable to control the imagery your child sees?
MONTGOMERY: I feel it’s my parental duty to explain certain images to my child. At his age, my son can’t necessarily comprehend the concept behind the image, but the first thing he said to me when he saw it is, ‘Mommy, you’re on that man’s leg, and you don’t know that man.’ That’s what came out of his mouth. As a model and a mother I put him first when I make my decisions. After I make my decisions, just like this shoot, I stand by it. When he gets older he may or not have to defend his mother, but he will be equipped.

ESSENCE: It’s easy to imagine what the ad alludes to. Do you feel like people have a valid argument about it being too suggestive?
MONTGOMERY: I don’t think it’s too suggestive, but I realize people do have a small argument. However, not big enough to be on CNN. I already was prepared for the all the blogs being an urban model, but CNN? For me, it was shocking to see something I was a part of get such an overwhelming response to where even the mayor of Newark is commenting. At the end of the day, the real argument is mainstream modeling vs. urban modeling.

ESSENCE: The real argument might be why he has his hand on the back of your head. How did that happen?
MONTGOMERY: That was the first thing my mother commented on, and I do think it is suggestive. The hand on the head took it to the edge, but when you look at models in Calvin Klein having threesomes, I had to say, ‘Mom this is the industry and I know how far I would take it. I was posing on his leg, he had a free hand and placed it where he didn’t have to cover my face.’ The big thing was to capture the moment.

ESSENCE: Miss Thing! Your shoulder wasn’t free?
MONTGOMERY: Yeah, he could have put his hand on my shoulder, but I was focused on the look I was giving the camera and what look I was giving to sell the jeans, I probably blocked out everything else going on around me.

ESSENCE: Back to mainstream vs. urban modeling. Do you feel race plays a part in this issue?
MONTGOMERY: I can’t deny it. I do see it, but I would hate to pull the race card.

ESSENCE: Would you do it again?
MONTGOMERY: I would. As a model you have to take that chance, and as my full-time job, I take it seriously, helping the client to market their product.

ESSENCE: In the end, was all this necessary to sell the jeans?
MONTGOMERY: Akoo’s marketing was genius. I’ve been approached by four or five guys who already purchased a pair.  Akoo wanted to take their campaign a different route and push some buttons, but not break down America. They accomplished want they wanted 200%–they have woken up urban America and let them know they are here.

Read more: http://www.essence.com/news/hot_topics_4/akoo_model_dawn_montgomery.php#ixzz0h8TSrYaU

The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards could’ve should’ve been EPIC… err, or THEE MOST EPIC Award show that we’ve EVER seen… this decade — all 31.7 days of it —  BUT, it wasn’t…and somehow EPICALLY FAILed…miserably…during an O__o-worthy series of terribly anti-climactic, (NAATS)-wrecked events — dipped in Beycepticon lacefont gelly with a splash of aerial amniotic fluid (….courtesy of Pink’s leaky vajayjay-mus’cles) — on a nite where the oompa loompa-minded Recording Academy managed to get NOTHING right & EVERYthing DEAD. WRONG …

*(NationalAssocationfortheAdvancementofTaylorSwift)

…And with that said, I’m bout to GO IN …

Teddy Pain TIGHTY WHITE-Pants, 1865 ‘We’s At War’ Foxx & ‘Special’ Guest

Last nite, I made the following statement after Jamie Foxx’s ‘sister’ — who ‘supposedly’ has ‘Down’s syndrome’ — strutted onto the stage and broke into a Beyonce hip-swirl matrix back-bend 8-count maneuver…ALL in one swift, fluid motion:

“PREEEEEEECIOUS’ …Getcho AZZ BACK in this DAMN ‘PARTTTTMENNNT’ …WHATCHU doin on DAT Grammy STAAAAGE?!” …

Most people laughed while a few self-righteous soap-boxers criticized my obviously ‘ANTI-Special Needs divas dancing on Awards Stages’ comments (Uh, OKKK) even though MOST of us thought she was either Mia X, ‘Gabby’ from Precious or some random backstage bopper thirsty for her OWN infamous Lil’ Mama ‘moment’…

Bwaa…BLACK PEOPLE KILL ME with this ‘WE can laugh at some… but NOT at others INsanity’ …People. She was ON-STAGE. Dancing…in rhythm. On National Televison. With her OWN entrance music/special spot on the stage. I HIGHLY doubt that she’s a sympathetic ‘special needs’ case in need of specialized medical attention.

Believe me, I’ve seen Down’s patients and she didn’t ‘move’ like someone who was mentally/physically crippled…at all. If anything, she’s the most physically gifted ‘special needs’ case I’ve EVER seen…in LIFE…if that’s the box you so choose to drop her in …

Either way, she KILLED it…along with Jamie (…and his Southern U. Drum Major uniform/Civil War-themed Glory costume) and Teddy Pain TIGHTY WHITE-Pants who struggled to move in his coke white suit pants that would’ve fit perfectly 15 years ago…when he was 9 years old ….

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

*The-Dream killded ’em (O__O) with Pepto-Bismol errrrthang and a splash of Presidential Jet-Black thus proving that only REAL cabbage patch doll-faced men rock pink formal suit jackets…in public… 4 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 5

Rockin’ with MC Fergy McFerg-Breaf & MC Nicks McPlastic-Cootch

I don’t know what’s more wrist-slash worthy: A Fergie 16/ vocal run sans Peas or a full-length Nicki Minaj track sans Weezy & Drake…Yea, it’s TRUE: Ferg-breaf & Plastic-cootch drip with undeniable sex-appeal… BUT they’re also two of the whackest FEMME-Cs to ever smear MAC lip gloss on the mic… Honestly, I’d rather hear Ferg-breaf double-dutch with the beat like she did during the Grammy’s than Plastic-cootch regurgitate Weezy/Drake’s throwaway lyrics… Sorry Nicki, but you, to me, will ALWAYS sound like a cutesy-voiced ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ when you spit… ‘LEH’ME-SHO’-U-SUHPTUNN’ … ‘LOOK AHT DHA ROOHF…SEE!… ASBESTOS! … smh … FCUK OUTTA HERE! …

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

Lady GaGa SHUT DOWN the red carpet with an intergalactic Jellyfish-inspired cocktail dress covered with quirkily bedazzled fallopian tubelettes … 5 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 5 …

A Brief Note TO MZ. Keri F. BAYBEEEEE…

…Now I know you’re still pouting/lame-tweeting about being snubbed, yet again, for a ‘prestigious’ music-related Award, so I penned this note to cheer you up on this gloomy Monday afternoon. Enjoy:

REAL artists/musicians/composers are the only people who win REAL/somewhat important AWARDS which is why you’ve yet to win anything worth celebrating other than a few BETs/AMAs better known as ‘the dusty shiny sh*ts in your garage’ that only your thirstiest of stans care about… Face it, your vocal cords HATE you…and will NEV-ER function the way you desperately want them to no matter how tight you scrunch your bootee cheeks together when you ‘sing’ …In my eyes, your golden pen will ALWAYS outshine your disrespectful azz vocal cords…BUT, I still LOVE you nonetheless — even though you refuse to put the mic down and take five steps back — and will continue to download your music support your steadily-growing POP&B movement… Keep your head up BOO…GAWD definitely loves YOU…

Love,

-Me

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

George Clinton rocked a deluxe Beauty Supply bag worth of Beyonce’s leftover lacefront pieces dyed with melted crayon sauce/acrylic paint chips… 2 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 4 …

Skankzoid Ciara: When Fresh Goodies Go Stale

…smh… POE’ baaaaawwwy…DAMN…what happened to you and your once promising career as a vocally UN-talented Aaliyah-reboot with tip-worthy cootch-twerking abilities?! …Seriously, EVERYone wanted your now extra-stale goodies before you fed them to Bow Wow you stuffed uber-whack albums inside KFC chicken buckets… FOR FREE… and rocked sluttish see-through negligee pajama sheer pantlettes fugly bust-it-baby seductional side-piece onesies…for pro ballers, Wacka Flocka & Plies ONLY during MAJOR Awards shows like the Grammys… PLEASE CieCie…rebuke this inner-skanzoid, STOP clapping your bootee cheeks to the beat for your underaged fans…in concert and work your way back to the TOP of the POP&B game…instead of festering inside its crust-slicked arse crack…

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

Gen. Larry Platt is officially the wealthiest/brokest homeless dude/War Vet/EX-Civil Rights Activist on the block/your TV screen who gloriously ascended into utter COONdom after brandishing a multi-colored assortment of swap meet-variety belts during the Grammy Pre-Show without realizing that the joke was actually on him…and will remain that way until he and his played-out ANTI-saggy pants anthem gooo thaaaat a’wayyyyyy …

(Wha?) ’Clef: Wait, So THIS Is The Man We’re Trusting Our Relief Money With?!

Wyclef. You’re NOW a globally-adored HERO who everyone respects and admires for your philanthropic efforts in Haiti despite your Yele Org’s supposed ‘funny math’ practices. The world listens whenever you speak/offer suggestions as to how we can provide aid to your beloved country… BUT damn, what in THEE HELL were you rambling about last nite during the Grammys?!

…Seriously ’Clef, was it the ‘cheeba cheeba (yall)?!’ …nerves? ..a combo of both?! …NONE?! …or the absence of a coherent, pre-written statement via notebook paper that made you look so woefully unprepared?! …O___O … “And I wanna shout out my wife, she’s Haitian too…” O__o … Er, Wha?! …Uhh.. but, that had NOTHING to do with the message that you COULD HAVE given but ultimately failed to deliver without the threat of the swift-fingered Grammy orchestra musically ushering you off-stage… Damn ’Clef, trust me, we’re ALL on Team: Haiti but that, sir, was simply unacceptable …

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

Melanie Fiona rocked her bestest, most grandest evening gown like she was attending President Obama’s FIRST President’s Day Black Tie $500/plate Formal Gala inside the Presidential Ballroom of the White House … 5 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 5 …

Taylor Swift: The Luckiest Artist  in POP Culture History…other than Rihanna

Well kids, ‘wronged’ white people ALWAYS WIN… especially when they’re ‘wronged’ by those who look just. Like. ‘US.’ … *Kanye Shrug* …Yea, OK…Taylor had a hit (“Fairytale”) before ‘Kanye The Black-hearted Negro’s’cold-blooded mic-snatch seen’t ’round the world BUT she wasn’t one of Barbara Walters’ ‘most fascinating people’ or even a ONE-time Grammy winner until she was Kanye’d on National TV with all eyes on her, ’Ye and the infamously ‘disputed’ VMA Award… Please. DEAD this ‘she earned it’/it’s Country music’s time BULL shiiiiiiet and accept that her success was nothing more than a media manufactured ‘reparational career boost’ designed to right a globally-frowned upon wrong…Should Taylor have thanked Kanye for her instant superstardom during the Grammys?! …Probably not, but she definitely should’ve (privately) thanked the exiled Hip-POP star for the ‘opportunity’ to be something she’s clearly NOT as evidenced by her tone-deafded, flat-noted ‘coming-out’ performance during the Grammys… o__O … * Kanye Shrug* …

*Coming SUMMER 2014: Taylor Swift’s ‘Fantasy Rise to Superstardom’ bio-flick BLIND-SIDED starring Flex Alexander as ‘Kanye’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson’ as ‘Taylor’ …

BEHOLD the MIGHTY BEYONCE BEYBOTNIK: QUEEN of POP&B

Beyonce Beybotnik… You know I LOVE you  … right?! … No, seriously, I truly dig your Earf-stopping vocals, gorgeous hammer toes high-end lacefronts (…made from 3,000 finely-plucked Fabio hairs), overall lack of humanistic qualities/rational emotions and unique ability to pay tribute to other artists by covering their hits during MAJOR Awards shows without ever inviting them to cover their own songs with you …

…But, then again, that’s why you rock thee, uhhhh, errrr…thee, uhh, urban contemporary Techo-POP&B crown?! and strutted onto the Grammy stage with the same leather-clad-Cobra Commander collective that tried to murk Michael Jackson in Moonwalker like you were about to perform “Video Phone” with the intensity of 10 make-believe Sasha Fierces before stunning us all with the whackest, most frenetically unfocused performance of your career an edgy POWER-BALLAD (“If I Were A Boy (Rock Mix”)/Alanis tribute…with NO Alanis that was easily the fifth or sixth most talked about performance of the nite!

…It’s cool though Bey, I’m sure you were exhausted from winning every Pre-Grammy Awards Grammy earlier and deserve a call from Etta James to congratulate you on winning a Grammy for your flawless performance of the classic (“At Last”) song that you made famous in your own mind she’s famous for making famous… It’s only right… despite her understandable unrelenting bitterness toward your invitation to the White House by the Obamas to perform her classic during the Inauguration festivites…

…Nonetheless, you BEYTIZED a classic and made your stans swoon when you finally admitted to having a living, breathing ‘husband’ …whom you love… Whether you were talking to or about your trifling azz bodyguard you’ve been creepin’ with Jay-Z, we’ll never know mainly because you never say said love, Jay-Z and husband in the same sentence nor do did you thank your new God who was sitting right next to you during the Awards during your acceptance speeches… BUT I’m certain GAWD knows your heart which is why I salute you — Beyonce Knowles — as one of the greatest most blatantly unoriginal, criminally contrived singers of our POP-diseased, Beycepticon-invaded generation. *Four fingers to the forehead* … Thank you. Goodnite.

Bey: “Youuu’s came into my’s house...and slept with my husband … yooou’s touched my’s sista's only chile … you’s think you’s cra’see … I’mma shows you CRA’SEE!”

'...Where didja come from...where didja gooooooooooooooooooo...where did you come from Cotton Eye Jooooooooooooooe ...'

... Mid-air ovulation > Your LIFE ...

GaGa is a SUPASTAR ... Her opening performance was definitely the dopest of the nite ...

This has been another Alejandro presentation.

M.I.A. ... WE LOVE you ...

The year 2000+9 was THEE absolute WORSTEST… most tragedy-tattered, HATE-smathered, scandal-splattered ‘YEAR’ EV-ER — err, maybe even ALL-TIME (Fall back Kanye, I got this) or since 1983, when I hit Carolyn Ford’s womb with the two finger salute — and will always be remembered as a reset-worthy collection of QUITtable+DE-friendable+UN-followable day ‘N’ nites where nehgadivahty (Chris Brown’s word…not mine) obsessively p-p-poked positivity, optimism & hope in their misery-smeared faces during twelve of the most F@#$%y-riddled months that we’ll probably ever live through during our lifetime …

In ’09, Mike Jack moonwalked through the Pearly Gates, ‘New-New’ dropped Weezy’s 15^th baby, ‘Chile Suhpote’ was two one word, Madea went to jail with Plax..Gucci..Boosie & T.I.P., Obama..Falcon & Favre flew above da haters, chubby ‘Treasure Trolls’ = ‘Barbies,’ the Empire State struck back, Drake was the new El DeBarge, obese ‘sistas’ were ‘Precious,’ Auto-Tune died…and rose on the third day, RiRi was the top-flight yodelist of the world…Craig, ‘Kanye’ & ‘Chris Brown’ were nouns verbs, ‘swag’ came with an ON/OFF switch, Trey Songz won the Nobel Prize for ‘inventing sex,’ star athletes spent more time behind bars than between the lines, Swine-Flu replaced the common cold, GaGa jacked Bey for her gay fanbase and Blacks were RE-imagined as electric blue savages in Avatar..illiterate Coonbots in Transformers II..slum-ravaged Aliens in District 9 …

…Yea, ’09 definitely put the C in coonery, D in debauch’ry, F in F@%#%y & B in b*tchAZZness, but it also proved to be one of the most Award-worthy years of our whacked-out, critically-UNacclaimed generation… So with that said, I now present to you the 2^nd Annual ‘ALEJANDRO AWARDS!’ ….Enjoy!

Hip-Hop Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Raekwon OB4CLPt.II Jay-Z Blueprint 3

“Men Lie. Women Lie. Numbers Don’t.” — Hov … Blueprint 3 = 1,337,000 sold.

Everyone had an opinion about Blueprint 3. Team: Hov LOVED it. Team: Pre-Black Album-Hov HATED it. Team: Oprah copped it because, uh, Oprah said so… and ESPN’s production team featured track 2..11..uh…5..& 9 on their montages through September. NO, this wasn’t Hov’s opus — in fact, it’s too imperfect to touch the living legend’s Top-5 BUT it was ’09s definitive Hip-Hop record that boasted the illest marketing campaign ever by a major rap artist in a year where NO ONE was copping Hip-Hop records… let alone, A record…

J. Dilla Jay Stay Paid (Winner for ‘Posthumous Album of the Year’)

*Drake So Far Gone (Winner for ‘Mixtalbum of the Year’)

Mos Def The Ecstatic (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (Hip-Hop)’)

Slaughterhouse Slaughterhouse

Raekwon OB4CLPt.II (Winner for ‘BEST Hip-Hop Album of ‘09’)

*Honorable Mention: Ricky Walrus Deeper Than Rap

Deeper Than Rap bangs..err, well the beats do, but was creatively dead-on-arrival due to Officer Ricky’s deeply delusional lyrics that made my soul cringe like an Alicia Keys falsetto run. If anything, Ricky should offer his Gold plaque (…if he earns one…) to the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League for their incredible work on an album that would’ve been CLASSIC had swoleded titties never breav’d his lie-polluted breaf over it …

Underground Hip-Hop Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Skyzoo The Salvation

(Skyzoo aka one of the illest storytellers in the game. See: “True Romance.”) + (rewind-worthy quotables) + (top-notch Just Blaze, Nottz, Khrysis & 9^th wonder production) = The Salvation… Believe me, it’s the dopest Hip-Hop record that you’ve never heard… err, or seen in your neighborhood variety record store…

Fashawn Boy Meets World

DOOM Born Like This

Blakroc Blakroc …Nicole Wray is feat. on the album. Just thought you’d want to know.

14KT Nowalataz LP (Winner for ‘Instrumental Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

Alchemist Chemical Warfare

Diamond District In the Ruff

Tanya Morgan Brooklynati

R&B/POP Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … The-Dream Love Vs. Money

Love Vs. Money had all the bullet wounded-‘Barbies,’ ‘Quick weaveded 5-Star Bishes’ & ‘classy, college edumacated’ future ex-wifeys rockin’ their sh*t in the club with glasses of moscato in one hand and Boyfriend #2’s phone in the other (“Guh, putcha # in mah fone”) … Yea, Love Vs. Money was THAT SHYT… and a major reason why the ladies were calling ‘Letitia their beautician’ the morning after rubbing their sh*t against ex-BOO #5 in the club… and then in the, uh… well, nevamind… J

Pleasure P The Introduction of Marcus Cooper

R. Kelly Untitled

Day26 Forever in a Day

Lady Gaga Fame Monster (Deluxe Edition)

Ryan Leslie Ryan Leslie

LeToya Lady Love

J. Holiday Round 2

Soul/NU-Soul Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Joy Jones Godchild

Joy Jones turns my frowns upside down and takes me to a place where negativity doesn’t even exist with her incredibly nostalgic brand of NU-Soul music… As of Jan. 1, 2010, there’s Marsha, Jill, Erykah, Jazzy, Muhsinah, Conya, Georgia… and then Joy Jones… Govern yourselves accordingly.

Slakah The Beatchild Soul Movement, Vol. 1

Eric Roberson Music Fan First

Georgia Anne Muldrow Umsindo

Jesse Boykins III The Beauty Created (Winner for ‘Best RE-mixed Album of the Year’)

Maxwell Blacksummers’night (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (R&B)’)

N’Dambi Pink Elephant

Slept-On Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Jaspects The Polkadotted Stripe

…I. STILL. Can’t. STOP. Banging. This. Album… It’s just that artistically ‘different’ in the dopest possible way and absolutely ROCKS as an intergalactoSoul-synthed voyage into the musical ‘unknown’ … The Polkadotted Stripe > Your ‘BEST ALBUM’ of ’09. THE END.

Nicolay City Lights, Vol. 2: Shibuya (Winner for ‘Instrumental Album of the Year’)

Che Grand Everything’s Good Ugly

Fashawn Boy Meets World

Lee Fields & The Expressions My World

DJ Quik & Kurupt Blaqkout

14KT Nowalataz (Winner for ‘Instrumental Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

SA-RA Creative Partners Nuclear Evolution: The Age of Love

*Honorable Mention: Mike Epps Funny Bidness: Da Album

No, Mike Epps can’t RAP worth ½ a DAMN but he doesn’t have to when 75% of his debut comedy/Hip-Hop project features his signature ig’nance-smacked rants like this hilarious gem from his lead-single “Ain’t Chu You”:  “…Crooked azz teeth in ya mouf … you put them b*tches in by yaself dincha?!… you gotta mouth fulla bird seeds..getcha azz back…crazy azz, wit that dry azz skin… getcha azz back…skin look like the crust on a chicken pot pie …bish look like a got’damn Rottweiler wit them black azz knuckles… bish you black and brown like a Rottweiler…”

Mixtape of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Drake So Far Gone Lil’ Wayne No Ceilings

Track #1 … “Swag Surfin.”

“…I’m a New Orleans n*gga, I don’t take no sh*t/Take the brain off the whip now it don’t make no sense/Stunt hard on these b*tches, I aint promise tomorrow/Now women kickin’ it with me like Nomar Garciaparra…”

“…Few grow them killer plants, the little shop of horror/And we roll them b*tches thick, make them look like Tocara/Man I’m too much for these n*ggas, and three much for these hoes/The World is in my hands, and I keep my hands closed…”

“I love my baby mommas, they get my highest honor/Gotta take care of them kids man, I kno ya heard Obama…”

“…Red bone do me good, then her friend assist her/I mean a b*tch she never met, her best friend, or sister/I leave her p*ssy microsoft… like windows vista…”

“Walk around like I’m thirty feet tall… Tiger Woods all these h*es tryna birdy these balls /And the Porche 911 like emergency calls, man I just be chillin,’ I’m cool like Lou Rawls” …

…And this is only Track #1… Any Questions?!

Lupe Fiasco Enemy Of The State: A Love Story

AFTA-1 X GAS’D LOVE IS REAL Mixtape Series

Wale & 9^th Wonder Back to the Feature

Sean Price Kimbo Price: A Prelude to Mic Tyson

PacDiv Church League Champions

Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Mayer Hawthorne A Strange Arrangement

…Yeaaa, I know… ‘Here I go… gushing over yet another random Motown-inspired Blue-Eyed Nu-Souler with a cringe-worthy Smokey Robinson fetish…’ …Yep… ‘…Mayer’s just another Black culture-raping, Five Heartbeats-obsessed white boy who ‘music heads,’ like me, are worshipping due to some terribly watered down ‘Golden-era re-creation project’ that Berry Gordy would’ve frowned upon had he been alive…’ *deep sigh* …And to ALL you cold-blooded haters/ANTI-hypesters/POP-diseased bottom feeders I say: …And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Mayer Hawthorne A Strange Arrangement. Thank you. Goodnite.

14KT Nowalataz (Winner for ‘Instrumental Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

Raekwon Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Pt. II (Winner for ‘BEST Hip-Hop Album of ‘09’)

Jaspects The Polkadotted Stripe (Winner for ‘Slept-on Album of the Year’)

Joy Jones Godchild (Winner for ‘Soul/NU-Soul Album of the Year’)

The-Dream Love Vs. Money (Winner for R&B/POP Album of the Year)

Maxwell Blacksummers’night (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (R&B)’)

Little Dragon Machine Dreams (Winner for ‘ElectroSoul Album of the Year’)

Jay-Z Blueprint 3 (Winner for ‘Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

Mos Def The Ecstatic (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (Hip-Hop)’)

*Drake So Far Gone (Winner for ‘Mixtalbum of the Year’)

I Want My GOT’ DAYUM $$$/Megabytes BACK Award (R&B/POP)

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Michael Jackson The Remix Suite

…Have you ever wondered what Michael Jackson would sound like over a Neptunes, Polow Da Don, Stargate or Salaam Remi banger?! Never?! …Bleh, me neither… which is why I absolutely DEtested this blasphemous compilation of musically-mutilated Mike Jack mega-hits-turnt-mega-FAILS that made my soul weep like a warm-hearted animal lover during the ending of Marley & Me… Seriously Joe Jack & fam, is this really how you greedy azz black-hearts wanted to pay your final respects to Mike — the ‘greatest to EVER do it’ — by allowing his classic vocals to be splattered over a mindless cacophony of POP-skeeted ANTI-anthems?!? … Joe: ‘Hell, abslootlee…sumbawdee had toopae fo my RECA © (Meik) Layba’ … *LOGS OUT of LIFE* …

Ledisi Turn Me Loose

Chris Brown Graffiti

Alicia Keys The Element of Freedom

Mario D.N.A.

Whitney Houston I Look To You

India.Aire Testimony, Vol. 2: Love & Politics

Chrisette Michele Epiphany

I Want My GOT’ DAYUM $$$/Megabytes BACK Award (Hip-Hop/Rap)

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … KiD CuDi Man On The Moon: The End Of Day

Man On The Moon: The End Of Day made me want to slash my wrists with a pickled pig-Flu-stained prison shank and RE-opened the subconscious wounds inflicted by Precious, Monster, Seven Pounds and What Dreams May Come… I mean DAMN, I felt like I was chained inside Kurt Cobain’s brain  for 50+ min. with no way out other than A) The *STOP* button or B) A loaded .45… BUT, then again, ‘CuDi’s…a *waaaait for it* ‘MUSICAL GENIUS’ …and this ‘masterpiece’ — which also happened to be the BEST Hip-Hop Album to drop in’09 — went over my head (…just like Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak which he Co-Wrote…)’ mhhhmm…Got’cha… In fact, I’ll remember this the next time I scroll past “Day ‘N’ Nite”/“Poke Her Face” aka two of the few ‘listenable’ tracks on this suicide-friendly record that only depressed suburbanites with razor sliced wrists will would appreciate …

Rakim The Seventh Seal

Eminem Relapse

Lil’ Wayne The Rebirth ..err, wait… Lil’ Wayne The Rebirth ..That’s not out yet. O_0

Capone-N-Noreaga Channel 10

Asher Roth Asleep In The Bread Aisle

Busta Rhymes Back on My B.S.

M@$#%F#%K%NWH$@K&#A&ZZ&#%& Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … OJ Da Juicy Juice Box Other Side of the Trap

I’m now convinced that OJ Da Juicy Juice Box is severely retardated..err, or speech impedimated..uh, or maybe just the doOpidest damn rap sambo to ever breav his Jewelry-cleaner-rankled breaf onto a studio mic… Seriously, this dude — Otis Williams —  has GOT to be one of the 7,456 most remedial-brainded humanoid beings on Earf who continues to be the #1 reason why I DON’T watch Yo Gabba Gabba or believe in the Georgia public school system. Ehh, and about this whack azz album..*Hol’Up*..Damn that… Back to OJ… ‘Yea?! OK?! Aye?! ..Aye?! OK?! OK?! Aye?!’ X 63/per track… annnnnnd NO. ONE. has tried to end this blither blabber’s life or forge his signature on Iraqi deployment papers?! …W…IN THEE…(UBER)F?!?! *LOGS OUT of LIFE…again*

Ciara Fantasy Ride

F.L.Y. (Fly Life Yungstaz) Jamboree

Cam’ron Crime Pays

Ace Hood Ruthless

Electrik Red How To Be A Lady, Vol. 1

Mims Guilt

Jim Jones Pray IV Reign

Marques Houston Mr. Houston

Bow Wow New Jack City, Pt. II

New Boyz Skinny Jeans & A Mic

“Dat’s My S**T!” CLUB BANGER of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Young Money “Every Girl”

It was OVER whenever: “I like a long haired thick red bOnEeE…” banged through the club speakers… Don’t trip, this was your shyt and had you ’bout to spill your $9 drink on the way to the dance floor to chant ’09’s most infamous hook obviously featured on the year’s most gratuitously misogynistic club banger…

KiD CuDi Feat. Common & Kanye “Make Her Say”

Roscoe Dash/Travis Porter Feat. Soulja Boy “All Tha Way Turnt Up”

The Clipse Feat. Pharrell “I’m Good”

Gucci Mane Feat. Plies “Wasted”

Soulja Boy Feat. Lil’ Wayne “Turn My Swag On” (Remix)

*Jamie Foxx Feat. T-Pain “Blame It” (Released in ’08. Blew in ’09)

Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Mario Feat. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett “Break Up”

*Wait, Hol’up… Now, I realize I’m leaving out the TRUE club heads so this next Award is dedicated to all my DREAD-DOMDED DOPE BOYS, SCABIES-SCARRED SKANKZOIDS, BUTTA-FACEDED BARBIES & EBT-CARD HOLDING 5-STAR/BALLERALERT.COM BISHES:

The CHRI’ JAWN’SA’ CLUB BANGER Award

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Waka Flocka Flame “OHLehDeWit”

Waka Flocka Wha?! …YES. Waka. Flocka. Flame. and he’s not a Fraggle, Muppet, or Snork nor has he ever lived underneath an umbrella tree or ‘come along’ with me & you to a place called Zoobilee Zoo…NOPE, dude is official… in the streets… especially in the Souf where he’s more popular in the schools than well-known ‘lames’ like Barack Obama or Oprah Winfrey… Sadly, it’s true… your son, daughter, brother or sister idolize/lust over/look up to some dude named ‘Waka Flocka Flame’ who’d rather chant “OHLehDeWit” throughout this ‘ratchet hood anthem’ than “Oh. let’s. do it.” like the rest of us bougeosie azz ‘educateds’ in the Black community… Ehh, but it’s cool though … *JerMajesty shrug* …

Young Jeezy “Trap or Die 2”

J. Futuristic Feat. Young Jeezy & Shawty Lo “First Name. Last Name” (Remix)

Roscoe Dash/Travis Porter Feat. Soulja Boy “All Tha Way Turnt Up”

Plies “Plenty Money”

State House “Crank Dat Roy”

Lil’ Ru “The Nasty Song”

Yo Gotti Feat. Gucci Mane, Trina & Nicki Minaj “5-Star Bish”

OJ Da Juicy Juice Box “Make Tha Trap Say Aye”

“Dat’s My S**T!” SEXY LADIES ANTHEM of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Bey “Single Ladies” (Rel.  in ’08. Blew in ’09)

*Hands mic to Mo’Nique* …damn, my bad *Hands mic to Mo’Nique* *Covers Ears* Mo’Nique: ‘B’yawn’ce…Sas’ha FIERCE…YAAAS… my bootyliciousSISTAH,CHILE…YOU…DID…THAAAAAAAAT…YAAAAAAS BABY YAAAAAAAAAAAS…etc.’ *10 min. later* Mo’Nique: ‘YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!’

Melanie Fiona “It Kills Me”

Drake “Best I Eva Had”

Trey Songz Feat. Fabolous “Say Aaah”

The-Dream “Rockin’ That Sh*t”

Timbaland Feat. Drake “Say Something”

Keri Hilson Feat. Weezy “Turnin’ Me On”

50 Cent Feat. Ne-Yo “Baby By Me”

Mario Feat. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett “Break Up”

Plies “Becky”

Chrisette Michele “Epiphany (I’m Leaving)”

N’Dambi “Can’t Hardly Wait”

Fabolous Feat. Drake “Throw It In The Bag (Remix)”

*DAMN. Hol’up..I know… ‘how IN THEE HELL am I, A DUDE, gonna present the Award for ‘SEXY LADIES ANTHEM’ of the year when my azz ain’t ee’een a, uh, SEXY LADY?!?’ …

*Tags in Brittney A.* … *OKGO!*

In 2009, ladies truly entered the world of disrespecting ourselves — elbowing each other in the club to be the first one with our “hands up” while parading around the room yelling: “All My Singles Ladies, All My Single Ladies” (Do you NOW realize how ridiculous that was?!), blaming your illicit actions on the alcohol: “Blame It on the Goose, Got Ya Feeling Loose” (*side-eye*), running around calling yourselves 5-Star bitches/Barbies and I won’t even get started on the clone-ism that Amber Rose & the babbling Nicki Minaj started this year.

Britney Spears and Whitney Houston held hands out of rehab to make a comeback and Alicia Keys showed us how to break up marriages and sleep our way to a # 1 record. The world (Black people) was/were introduced to Taylor Swift (thanks Kanye), Leona Lewis, Adele, Melanie Fiona, Sade’s much anticipated comeback and it still wasn’t enough to make us start respecting ourselves.

I would give anything to resurrect Michael Jackson and have him sing Pretty Young Thing (P.Y.T.) to all the ladies in 2009 especially those of us who rode to the beat of  everyone else’s drum this past year. So with all of the songs in the world that SHOULD have been the ‘SEXY LADIES ANTHEM’ in 2009, Maxwell’s “Pretty Wings” is the winner of my First Annual ‘BRITTNEY.’ Ladies, respect yourselves in 2010 and spread YOUR wings!

Brittney Anntionette is a brilliant young sista, poet & activist with her own positive movement promoting positive Black images. Follow her on twitter @ http://twitter.com/blackposimage.

*Hands Brittney bouquet of flowers & a ‘thank you card’* … *Tags back in*

Incense, Oils & Diet Green Tea Jam of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Joy Jones “The Joy”

I DARE you to blast this track every morning for, well, the rest of your life. No, really, I’m serious, and guarantee that this delightfully uptempo coffee spot-rocker will give you life even when your body, mind and spirit are drained by the rigors of the oft-depressing ebb & flow of everyday life…

Slakah The Beatchild Feat. Drake “Share”

Maxwell “Badhabits”

Mos Def Feat. Georgia Anne Muldrow “Roses”

DJ Spinna Feat. Shabaam Sahdeeq & Erik Rico “Melody”

Focus Feat. Phonte “Recession”

Jaspects Feat. Chantae Cann “Find My Way To Love”

India.Arie “Yellow”

Eric Roberson “The Newness”

Panty-DroppaWetta of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Trey Songz “Scratchin’ Me Up”

… ‘Wha?! “Scratchin’ Me Up?!’ … *scrambles for READY CD case* wait, that shyt ain’t on here!’ … Bwaa. DUH! …Please. Did you really expect Trey to feature his BEST songs on his actual album?! LOL. Uh, nawl… and, to be honest, this was the BEST song he dropped in’09 but you wouldn’t know that if you didn’t download his Anticipation Mixtape… Trust me Ladies, I’m on it because I’m tryin’ to be on you and recommend that all my Fellas add this ‘unreleased’ panty-drencher to the deluxe ‘Side-Piece Slow Mix” … Bwaa, no applause please… Thank you…

Robin Thicke “Sex Therapy”

Pleasure P “Let Me”

Jesse Boykins III “Pantyhose”

Day26 “Babymaker”

Eric Roberson “Weekend Getaway”

R. Kelly Feat The-Dream, Tyrese & Robin Thicke “Pregnant”

Jeremih Feat. R. Kelly “Birthday Sex” (Remix)

The-Dream “Put It Down/12-Play/Sweat It Out”

Urban Mystic “Throw It Back”

Guilty Pleasure Jam of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”

“RahrahahAhah!RomMahromMummAh! GaGa-oO-LaLa! Want your bad romance…” …Yea, it’s true: I F’N LOVE this song… well, ‘kinda’… In fact, most music lovers ‘kinda’ do… but will never publicly admit it to anyone other than themselves… Uhhh huh, I know, GoGo Gadgets’ a wacko-maniacal POP pariah BUT her sheer musical prowess + ear for catchy crossover records is undeniable …

KiD CuDi “Hyyerr”

Young Money “Ms. Parker”

Dorrough “Ice Cream Paint Job”

The-Dream “Take You Home 2 My Mama”

Day26 Feat. Yung Joc & Diddy “Imma Put It On Her”

OJ Da Juiceman “Make Tha Trap Say Aye”

Rihanna Feat. Young Jeezy “Hard”

Chris Brown “Sing Like Me”

Hook of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … RiRi “Run This Town”…SIKE! Bwaaahaaaa…… No, seriously, Trey Songz “Successful” …

I’m definitely not a MAJOR Trey-stan or music head with READY in heavy rotation but dude KILLED this hook which, to me, was also the most irritating cliché of ’09 … For once, I’ll give Trey credit for doing..uh, ‘something’ that actually pertained to making  ‘good music’ aka the music that he routinely avoids making …

Usher “Spotlight”

Dorrough “Ice Cream Paint Job”

T-Pain “Maybach Music 2”

Gucci Mane “Wasted”

Day 26 “Imma Put It On Her”

Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”

*Honorable Mention:

Mario “Break Up”

Melanie Fiona “Beautiful Bliss”

Day 26 “Imma Put It On Her”

KiD CuDi “Already Home”

Drake “Money To Blow”

Dorrough “Ice Cream Paint Job”

Yukimi Nagano “Feather” (Little Dragon Machine Dreams)

Rell “Rain” (Jim Jones Pray IV Reign)

John Legend “Magnificent”

Hurricane Chris “Halle Berry (She Fine)”

Avery Storm “Rich Off Cocaine”

Bobby Valentino “BEEP”

Hip-Hop/Rap Track of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Jay Electronica “Exhibit C”

Jay Electronica is officially THEE ILLEST Hip-Hop specimen in the universe and proved it with this insanely EPIC uber-banger that you will NEVER stop playing or gushing about to your fellow ‘music lovers’ who probably don’t know what IN DEE F@#% a Jay Electronica is, was… or could be… Believe me, “Exhibit C” is the cure to Hip-Hop’s deep-rooted cancer and will continue to convert frustrated Hip-Hop heads into Team: Electronica card holders until the N.O.-bred ‘extraterres with tourrettes’ finally drops his highly-anticipated debut album …

Wale Feat. Melanie Fiona & J.Cole “Beautiful Bliss” (Winner for ‘Collab of the Year’)

DJ Quik & Kurupt “9X Outta 10”

Joe Budden “Pray For Me”

Mos Def “Casa Bey”

Drake Feat. Trey & Weezy “Successful”

Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Joe Budden “Pray For Me”

Slaughterhouse Feat. Fatman Scoop “Onslaught, Pt. II”

*Jay Electronica “Dear Moleskine” (Winner for ‘Snippet of the Year Award’)

*Honorable Mention (Newly Released):

Reflection Eternal Feat. Jay Elec, J. Cole & Mos Def “Just Begun”

Black Milk “Keep Going”

Rock/POP Jam of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Passion Pit “The Reeling” (Google It. Thanks.)

I absolutely LOVE this damn record and you will too… that is, if you dig frenetically spunky Indie-Rock/POP with incredibly infectious hooks/quirky synth riffs… Trust me, this track goooooooooes…

Green Day “Know Your Enemy”

Daughtry “You Don’t Belong”

Little Dragon “Feather”

Kings of Leon “Use Somebody”

Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”

Michael Jackson “This Is It”

WRIST-SLITTER of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Justin Bieber “One Time”

Justin Bieber’s “One Time” makes me want to noose my OWN neck and nosedive off a tall tree branch into a shallow pond infested with blood-thirsty Jellyfish… *Drops mic & walks away*

“One Time” > Listening to Chris Brown recite the “Declaration of Independence.”

“One Time” < Watching a sing-off between Keri Hilson & Rihanna… judged by Ashanti.

“One Time” > Listening to A. Keys sing “Lift Every Voice & Sing” through Auto-Tune.

“One Time” > Watching a sextape starring Ricky Walrus & ‘Precious.’

“One Time” < Listening to KiD CuDi’s Man On The Moon: The End Of Day…on repeat.

Whitney Houston “I Look To You”

Jimmy Jones Feat. Bree Beauty “Na Na Nana Na Na”

Keri Hilson “Make Love”

India.Arie Feat. Dobet Gnahore “Pearls”

Mary J. Blige Feat. Drake “The One”

Angie Stone “Tell Me”

Alicia Keys “Love Is My Disease”

Ricky Walrus Feat. Trina “Face”

Song of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Jay Elec “Exhibit C” (Winner for ‘Best Hip-Hop/Rap Song)

Jay Electronica is the personification of innovation…and err, somewhat of a whimsical weirdo with a subtle edginess + beautifully surreal musical approach that only the most intellectual (of) ‘backpackers’/music connoisseurs will appreciate… To me, Jay Elec embodies everything fad-tattered ‘hipsters’ like KiD CuDi strive to be and proves, once again, that rappers from the ‘souf’ are more than just criminally coonish cash-fiends/reckless misogynists with painfully dinky-doink flows …

Mark my works. Jay Electronica is next.

Drake Feat. Trey & Weezy “Successful”

Drake “Best I Eva Had”

Jamie Foxx Feat. T-Pain “Blame It”

Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Little Dragon “Feather”

Maxwell “Pretty Wings”

Beyonce “Single Ladies”

*Honorable Mention:

Jaspects “The Polkadotted Stripes” (Winner for ‘Underground Song of the Year’)

ALEJANDRO’S CINEMATIC AWARDS

Movie of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … The Hangover

The Hangover. is. F.N. HILarious. That is all.

Star Trek

UP

Inglorious Basterds

District 9

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Ga’bage Movie ‘Picture Show’ of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Bruno Obsessed

If you liked this horribly-scripted, poorly-executed, terribly-acted (…and critically-clobbered) D-movie then you deserve to have your tonsils kicked into your thoughts (brain…duhhh) by Beyonce like the whacko stalker heffa does during the movie’s infamous “Me & my shaggedy weave-IS-bout-to-whoop-your-white-azz-for-trying-to-steal-MY’s-Hus-A-band-” scene that I’m sure we’ve all seen… and probably will never forget, as long as the double & ¼ threat attempts to be taken seriously as a *gasp* actress …

The Haunting of Connecticut

Next Day Air

Bruno

Paranormal Activity

“The Watchmen”

ALEJANDRO’S FASHION AWARDS

YAAAAS..BABY..YAAAAAAS…DO.THAT.SH*T. Award

“Boy Shorts”

Every woman needs to cook breakfast for their man…in their boy shorts…once a week.

“Minx Nails”

There’s nothin’ sexier than a creative woman with personality…and pretty ‘minxed’ nails.

“Nerd Glasses”

Some dudes prefer their ladies to be ‘video vixen sexy’ … I like mine ‘kinda nerdy sexy’

“Knit Berets”

I LOVE sophisticated Soul-sistas… and they’re usually rockin’ these when I meet them.

“Subtle Body Art”

This type of art is EXTRA-sexy especially when a woman has to ‘introduce’ them to you.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … “Embellished Tights”

*Big-ups to Miriam ‘The Street Stylist’ Bell for instructing all the ladies to cop a pair of these EXTRA-sexy leggings especially if they’re trying to attract good, educated brothas like me who love women in tights, or anything tight period. You’re definitely appreciated Miriam. God loves you. Check her out @ http://yourstreetstylist.blogspot.com/

PLE’..BABY..PLEEEEE’… STOP.NO…DAAAMN.DONT. Award

“Boyfriend Jeans”

A woman in baggy jeans is NOT SEXY… especially if they’re MY jeans.

“Marilyn Monroe Piercings aka Jewelry Boogers”

I have no idea why the prettiest women continue to poke holes in their faces.

“Baldy Femme-Hawk”

Cassie looked dumb as hell with this hairstyle… what makes you any different?!?

“XXL Body Art”

You don’t need to have Christ’s hands tatted from shoulder to elbow. Baby, we know you saved.

“Open Toe Boot Heels”

I’d like these better if they were hidden from big girls with swollen feet & fugly toes.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … “The Nicki Minaj Curly Weave Bang”

Ladies…stop it. Just…STOP…it. Please…DAMN… especially if you look like the pot-bellied ‘Troll Doll’ above whenever you attempt to RE-create Nicki’s gimmicky wig-hat in the dimly-lit bathroom of your rundown, slumdog-style apartment:

The Say Wha? Huh?!? Hol’Up, Wha?!Award

“…the long way…”

Yoooo, that’s my N#$&@… I F@X with him the long way …

“NO Bueno”

I see all ya’ll h*es rockin’ open toe stilletos with reinforced toe stockings. No Bueno.

“Googuh”

Who the F@#$ am I?! …Bish please, googuh me and check mah resume!

“…Keep it one hun’ded…”

Yo, did you smash the homey last nite when I was @ work?! Yo, forreal, keep it one 100!

“…Who gon’ check me boo?!”

So what, I got a buggy fulla damn groceries in the damn Express Lane..who gon’ check me boo?!

“Ratchet” (Formerly a Noun, now an Adjective)

Yo, dis me, come and get your ratchet azz kids from ova here… they tearin’ up my shyt!

Common N***Aisms: “Pacific”

Excruuuue me, but was there a pacific culla shoe you was lookin’ for?!

B) “Janyerry”

Dis my baby Quantavious… He a Aquarius juh’li’me… he was born Janyerry the 22^nd.

Common GUCCI-isms: “Might Don’t Make It”

“Rockstar lifestyle might don’t make it/Living life high, errrday clique wasted” O_0

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Common N*GGAisms: “Pacific”

Black People. WE MUST do better. That is all.

STFU FOR-EVER Award

Que (Formerly of Day26) during his infamous MTB4 coke-trip:

Que: “I need you to stop doing what you’re doing to me…”

Willie: “What am I doing to you?!?”

Que: “Nothing… but I need you stop doing what you’re doing to me!”

‘BAWSE’ in his OWN MIND: The BEAUTIFUL LIES of RICKY WALRUS:

A) “That’s why it’s always best to be 100 from the jump. Be real from the jump. People I show respect to ain’t got nothing to do with money and power and fame. I just keep it 100. It is what it is, and we gonna wait and see.”

*…says the ex-Corrections Officer who denied ever being employed by the South Florida Reception Center in Dade County where he earned a yearly salary of $25,794.34 that I’m sure was nickels & dimes compared to the ‘millions’ he was making part-time as a notorious ‘Drug Kingpin’ on the crack-flooded streets of Carol City.

B) “We dominate in every street market we’re thrown into, because we’re the truth, we’re real…There isn’t a Hollywood bone in our bodies. We make real music, because it’s real life for us, we’ve really been through it, we’ve survived it. Triple C’s holds promise for the future of rap music…”

*To date, Triple C’s have sold 11K copies of their debut Custom Cars & Cycles.

C)“He’s smart,” Rawse said about Eminem not addressing him and avoiding a rhyme battle. “That’s what I’m waiting for. That’ll be a gift — a great Christmas present for me. But y’all know what I think. I think everybody knows. It’s all ’hood, man. Shout-out to Mariah Carey, she needs to reach out to me. We could eradicate some things.”

*…Eminem never replied.*

D) “I feel like I’m competing for the throne. I feel like the fans and the people can see my hunger… They could know I’m not satisfied with just two #1 albums and selling 2 million records, or whatever I sold. I want more…”

*Ricky has never gone platinum. His latest release has only sold 379,810 records.

E) “That’s why New York City is in the position it’s in…I’m worth more to the black community than 50 Cent.”

*JerMajesty shrug*

Kanye West & Those Wordy Things Called Books:

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed,” West said. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.” … “I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life…”

Breezy’s Twitterific B*TCH-FIT

“I’m tired of this sh*t…. Major stores are blackballing my CD… Not stockin’ the shelves and lying to costumers. What the f*ck do I gotta do?! Yeah, I said it… and I ain’t retracting sh*t… I’m not biting my tongue about sh*t else… The industry can kiss my ass…” (Alejandro Transcription)

*AwWeE…PoeEe BaWwEy… I know… you were defending yourself from that psychotic azz whacko — who you ‘loved’ — the night her gorgeous face beat the hell outta your clenched fists (…until it was virtually unrecognizable…) and are now being unfairly victimized by every single human being on Earf who made you the superstar you are today… How DARE these judgmental azz people NOT buy 7, 8 or 10 copies of your hot new album! … smh …

The DEATH of Lindsey Lohan

*If you didn’t know, Lindsey Lohan was offered the role of ‘stripper Jade’ in The Hangover by Director Todd Philips to which she responded:

“It has no potential.”

*The role eventually went to Heather Graham and, well, the rest of history. The Hangover has raked in over $205 million domestically.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Que (Formerly of Day26)

Cocaine is a helluva drug… especially when you mix it with ritalin, meth, Robert’s jheri-swirl juice and talcum power like Que apparently did during the taping of MTB4 where he seemed to grow more insane, paranoid and feminine by the commercial break until Diddy finally handed him a fresh tampon & put him on timeout… Thanks for the memories Que. Day 26 won’t be the same without you.

N**** Moment of the Year

A) 27-year-old Latreasa L. Goodman dials 9-1-1 three times after ordering 10 more Chick’n MacNuhgguhs than McDonald’s had available. She was denied a refund and informed that all sales were final before offering this story to the police dispatcher:

“This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.” “This is an emergency.”

Goodman was arrested and charged by police with the “Misuse of 911 communications.”

B) Hundreds of finger lickin’ gizzard-fiends descend upon the only Popeye’s in Minnesota for the 8-piece $4.99 special before coonin’ THEE F@#% out when the manager refused to honor the deal. Rather than accepting this small defeat and bouncing to the next eatery with their dignity in tact, the thirsty deal-chasers shuckled onto the nightly news…and then to YouTube, in what seemed like a concerted effort to discredit decade-old stereotypes attached to “N*ggas & they’s Fried Chicken” … O_o …

C) Last year, star running-back LaGarrette Blount put the highly-ranked Oregon Ducks on his back en route to his best season at the major Pac-10 school where he rushed for over 1,000 yards and 17 touchdowns. He was a bona fied collegiate superstar expected to be drafted highly in the upcoming 2010 NFL Draft…that is, until he sucker punched Boise St. defensive end Byron Hout (Yes, he’s white) — who taunted the star running back after a tough loss — during ESPN’s nationally televised opener for the ’09 College Football season. Blount was subsequently suspended for the rest of the season (…until his coach later reinstated him on Nov. 14.)

D) After being called for a foot fault (foot fault = calling traveling on Jordan in his prime) during her semi-final U.S. Open match against Kim Clijsters, Serena Williams neck-rolls, snarls, snaps & rolls (…them hips) (Yuuuuua!) at the lowly line-judge in front of a globally-televised audience whose eyes and ears were glued to her every ‘menacing, angry Black woman’ movement. She later apologized for her ‘blow-up’ but was fined a record $82,500 by Grand Slam administrators.

E) Henny-smacked Hip-POPstar Kanye West crashes the VMA Awards stage during Taylor Swift’s ‘moment,’ snatches the mic from the cutesy POP star and boldly stamps Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” vid as one of the best ever in front of the entire galaxy in one of the most brutally ig’nant, obsessively lampooned & replayed POP culture moments of ALL-TIME. At that moment, Taylor Swift ascended into super-stardom while Kanye ascended even further into the POP stratosphere as the ‘biggest, most hated ASS HOLE on the planet.”

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Sheree V. Anthony (RHOA, Episode I)

There they were, two grown azz niglets — ‘fashion designer’ Sheree Whitfield & ‘Top-Level Party Planner Executive’ Anthony Shorter’ — squabbling on National TV like two jealous little girls in a teen club over the details of Sheree’s ridiculous ‘Divorce Independence Celebration.’ Sheree snapped at Anthony…even threatened to call ‘Pookie & ’nem for back-up. Anthony snapped back at Sheree…with an extra-sweet neck-wiggle. Sheree called Anthony a b*tch. Anthony called Sheree’s mama a b*tch. And, remember, these were two ‘parents’ in each other’s face, fighting, in one of the ugliest ‘Black TV moments’ ever that also gave us the most popular catchphrase of ’09: “Who gon’ check me boo?! …aka “Who’s going to check me boo?!” (White people RE-mix… shout out to ALL my white people!)

*Hol’up, damn, I’m SO rude…have ya’ll met my eBoo #2?! Her name is Luvvie and she’s the bomb dot com one of my FAVORITE people on Earf… right now..err, or on ‘the twitta.’ Yes, she gives ME LIFE…which is why she’s here to present the “HoSh!T of the Year Award”*

*Tags in Luvvie … OKGO!*

The “HoShit Award of the Year” goes to someone who has engaged in so much Hosh!t that they need to have a condom brand named after them. This HoSh!t ain’t the good kind though. The people in this category get the *side-eye*.

Tiger Woods

This negroblasian had like 26 mistresses, and had the nerve to leave trails. He’s a bold mama jamma. Plus his HoSh!t resulted in a car accident after this wife found out. DRAMA

’Lil Wayne

This fool has never seen a prophylactic he liked. Obvious by him being the father of ghetto twins (children born the same year to the same father, different mother). I don’t know who his sex ed teacher was but they failed. He missed that class period where they used a banana to show how to put a condom on. WHOMP.

…And the “LUVVIE” goes to … BOTH. Wait, no. They BOTH lose.

Luvvie is the Award-winning uber-blogger behind “Awesomely Luvvie” (http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com) where she roasts, rants, clowns, WallSlides, Blogs, Slays hoes and rocks the Red Pump @redpumpproj. Follow her on twitter @ http://twitter.com/LuvvieIG.

*Makes out with Luvvie* … *wipes mouth* … *tags back in*

Golden O_0 Award

“Save-A-N@#%@ Theater”: Sa’ME.. Ple’ Massah Ple’

Rather than providing 40 acres & a mule to every African-American family as promised by the U.S. Government, major Hollywood studios force-feed the public with overly-fluffy, golden-hearted melo-dramaticas centered around wonderfully charitable white characters who make it their business to ‘save’ downtrodden Blacks & other minorities from the ugly realities of their everyday hood struggles.

Yep, I call these worthless movies “Save-A-N@#$@ flicks” because they make it clear that poverty-stricken Blacks can only be successful if they’re ‘saved’ by kind-hearted whites determined to save them… Sadly, most Americans are stone-cold suckers for these culturally deceptive films and flock to the theaters to support them as a way, I guess, to support ‘US,’ and show ‘US’ that they DO ‘care’ about ‘US’  to the point that they’d save ‘US’ too if they could.

*Hollywood’s latest “S-A-N flick” The Blindside has grossed over $184 million.

DJ Lance Rock Yo Gabba Gabba & Ya DON’T STOOOOOOOOOOOP

There’s NO ONE on TV more frightening than Lady GaGa DJ Lance Rock or the mentally-deranged teletubby-incestuoids who inhabit Gabbaland. I’m sorry. DJ Lance Rock is a potent coke-trip in motion and probably sniffed Bill Cosby’s Mortimer-Ichabod-Markers, puffed Yogi & BooBoo’s Pica’nic basket purp and downed several glasses of the Gummi Bear’s  ‘secret’ Gummiberry juice when he was younger. Dude is GaGa-freaky, Circus clown-scary and Tigger-hyper all at the same time. Yea, he seems ‘nice’ …uh, in a ‘to catch a predator’ kinda way, and definitely would’ve had my ashy azz shivering in my mama’s bosom every night had he been hippity-hop boppin’ across my TV when I was growing up. Before you judge me for despising DJ Lance Rock, ask yourself one question: Would You Leave Your Child Alone With This Man?!

Brainwashed ‘Barbie’-girls in a SAD AZZ ‘Barbie’ World

Ladies. Stop. The. Madness. There is NOTHING sexy, positive or uplifting about being a skank-hearted ‘Barbie.’ You look… and sound… dumb whenever you express interest in being one. You look even dumber when you step out in public as one. And you’re dumb. As. Hell. if you expect sensical people to acknowledge that you’re, indeed, one. Grow THEE F@#$ up…please. Nicki Minaj doesn’t give a DAMN about you, your curly bang wig-hat or your brand new booty pads… and only pretends to be a ‘Barbie’ because the greedy white execs at Universal force to her to be one. DUH. ‘Barbies’ are copped, collected, played wit & discarded. Remember that.

*And ‘LEH’ME-SHO’-U-SUHPTUNN’ else, Nicki Minaj sounds like “Fire Marshall Bill” when she spits. Bwaaa, melt slow Plastic Face.

“Skids” & “Mudflap”: Rollin’ with the HOMEEZ

Transformers II topped most ‘Worst of ’09’ lists, not because it lacked the over-the-top action, explosions or super-sized ‘Rock ’em Sock ’em robots-style action’ that its fanbase expected, but because it was loaded with corny dialogue, gaping plot holes and seemingly never-ending racial stereotypes that jumped out of the movie screen in the form of “Skids” & “Mudflap” — two illerate, slang-spittin’ ‘Hip-Hop-Bots’ that were nothing more than “Man-Tan” & “Sleep-N-Eat” disguised in robot costumes.

“Skids” had a shiny gold-toofes…yea, like the one “Jerome” rocked on Martin and constantly bickered, shuckled and bumbled with “Mudflap” (one actually threatened to ‘bust a cap in the other’s ass’) through painfully irrelevant scenes with no purpose or link to the actual story before Director Michael Bay took the CoonBot experience to another level during a pivotal scene where the Autobots needed them to read their ‘language’ (…to save Optimus Prime) to which they lurched backwards in horror and responded: “Uh, we don’t do too much readin’,”

… O_0 …

But, then again, these characters weren’t ‘racist’ or essentially just ‘Black stereotypes’ (‘…because white people & other ethnic groups also speak in slang and rock gold teeth…’ o_O) according to some educated Black folks I know… but Jazz ‘The Breakdancing’ Autobot (Transformers 1) and Jar Jar Binks ‘The mush-moufded’ alien (Star Wars: Episode I, II, III) somehow were … O_0 …

Attack of DEE KILLA U.S. POLO AssASSins.

Fellas. U.S. Polo Assn. T’s cost $14.99 at Marshall’s, TJ Maxx, Sears and Ross, but some of you are determined to stunt in these new-age CH(eap)A(zz)P(olo)S(hirts) like they’re official Polo shirts. They’re not. Trust me, I see you everyday with them tucked in & buttoned to the top like you copped it from the high-end Polo Store. C’mon son. REAL men wear REAL Polo. BING! And we rock it for a reason…why?!…because we dig the cut, ladies love Polo and the T’s never shrink or fade when washed. If you can’t afford it, rock plain polos… or, just… stick to your usual ‘urban wear,’throwback jerseys, Promo shirts or Nautica products. Thanx — Management.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Kidz Bop Kids Kidz Bop 16

What would you do if your 8-year-old’s teacher called you and said: ‘JeMarius couldn’t control himself today during recess…He. Had. A. Fit…and wouldn’t leave Jemia alone. He was hitting her, throwing sand in her hair and even asked her how she could be so heartless?!’ WHAT?! No, wait… WHAT?! …YES, Heartless (…at 8-years-extra-young and un-puberty-bitten), which also happens to be Track #9 on the latest edition of a KBK series that specialized in ‘kiddizing’ harmless POP hits before ’09 when they hit the Chuck E. Cheesesters with grown-er, sexi-er anthems like “Halo,” “If I Were A Boy” “Boom Boom Pow” and “Live Your Life”  … O_0 …

Seriously, “Live… Your… Life?!” WHAT… LIFE?! …these KIDS are fresh-baked! …they’re STILL… NEW, here… on Earth… I WISH ‘’Lil JeMarius WOULD tell me and my lovely wife to chill out and let him “live HIS life” …Believe me, that would be the last day of his fresh little life… Bet that… (j/p … well, kinda…)

EPIC FAIL of the Year

Hurricane Chris Performs “Halle Berry” for La. Congress… in his best Easter suit.

What the hell does Halle Berry bein’ fine have to do with re-building levees & homes?!

BET’s Infamous Tribute-less “Michael Jackson Tribute”

Only Debbie Lee would green-light a “MJ Tribute” with. NO. Tribute. (“How dreadful”)

Chris Brown’s Crisis Management Team’s Management Crisis

Excuse me, but, your client was charged with assaulting his superstar girlfriend. Why does he have an “Opps!” chain on…in public?!

Drake Makes National Debut during BETs..on a Bar Stool..with tweenies on-stage.

Soo, nothing seemed wrong about this… not even the underaged girls on-stage part?!

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Lil’ Mama’s EPIC Stage Crash

…Bless ’Lil Mama’s heart, I. Mean. DAMN, that ballsy little fellow’s BOLD and has a heart the size of ten Khloe Kardashian jaw-lines… I get it, she wasn’t content with her status as the third most ignored judge on the hottest dance show in America (ABDC) probably because the show only focused on, well, dancing aka something she’s never seriously done in her own career (…even though she would’ve been the perfect ‘feminine’ complement to Fredro & Kel on Dance 360 … ‘Tag-Ya-Man’… ‘Tag-Ya-Man’… L-L-Lil’ Mama… ‘T-T-Tag-Ya-Man’) …

Believe me, I’ve heard your explanation: ‘it was the adrenaline’ (…err, or heightened levels of testosterone) fueling your shamefully-executed ‘NY big-up’ even though WE all know it was your inner thirsty-as-hell-ness to be a world-famous A-lister that led you to uber-FAILdom, which is why I recommend that your face be stamped on failing papers by school teachers for the rest of your now irrelevant existence.

…Bwaa, but thanks again Lil’Mama… for inspiring the youth to be the best, most EPIC failures we can be… In fact, after I watched you epically failing on stage in front of 70 zillion Earthlings, I knew that, I too, could crash my favorite star’s set and even grope pole dancers mid-dance without being beaten into a Halo by security because you, my newly extra-lame G-Lister, made EPIC failures COOL in ’09…

This has been another Alejandro production.

“It’s quite amazing that you rhyme write how you do and that you shine like you grew up in a shrine in Peru…” — Jay Electronica (Alejandro RE-mix)

THANK YOUs

I’d first like to thank everyone for their support, comments and feedback this year especially Erin Z. & the good folks at EMQ…Rahiem Shabazz & the good folks at Rashaentertainment.com/Globalgrind.com…Luvvie, MEIK, Thembi, Shakeeta, Brittney for replying to my tweets/mail/e-mails ASAP…Toya Ransom, Shawnnell B., SIMP, Jervel S., Paige, Tara Conley, A. McNair, Alexis F., Erica C., Jamie M., Candace M., Janell, J. Billops, Tiff G., ’Kell, Brad, Teddy, J.R., Kim S., Muck, DeHonor E., Briandria H., Tamysha N., BIG K, Kandis D., Quado C., BeeBoo, Melvin R., Bow Wow, Lawrence C., Shanell W., Akoto A., Jonathan W., Jamar H., Talia B., Jessica D., J. Ingram, Delano M., Al Bumz, Moose, Whiz, Big Cell, Bouchie, Paula O., Erika Katrese, Mia McDonald, Tahlia G., Aliya S. King, Tamika C., Linda H., Stacy A., A.P.T., Tank, Steve, Shaka, Tawana D., Carah H., Carter, Todd, Que Derek, Big Steve, Demetrius P., Prof. Wood for your input, tough love & unrelenting support.

I’d also like to thank everyone who I QUIT…or who QUIT me…this past year: Oneyah D., Chidi O., Cornbeef & Hashley, Alexis G., Latoya L., Sneha M., Davida, Adia, Tiffany W., Ambria B., Laura G., Mellisa M., Tameka T., Nefertequa & Ashley S..etc. I wish yall the BEST.

Happy New Year Everyone. HATAZ…keep hatin.’ LOVERS…keep loving. Grinders…Keep Grindin.’ Follow me @ http://twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8.

‘They’ say Hip-Hop’s DEAD — err, deceased, toe-tagged, pine-boxed, you know, in a ‘better, less depressing place’ — and was tucked inside Big & Pac’s tailored burial suits after somehow being ‘murdered’ in cold blood by: A) Greed-stricken record execs with insatiable ring-tone fetishes B) The F#!@$@$%# FOUR = Algernod, DeAndre, Radrick & Otis C) Pay-Per-Play Radio programmers D) Colonel Mustard with a candlestick inside the Billiard Room…(BING!) (wait, or was it Professor Plum..in the…?!) Bleh, who knows…better yet, who even knew that the POP-diseased genre had officially flat-lined?! …I’d say no one who truly loves music, lives it, or does it because TRUE music heads — all 1,723 of us on Earf — know that Hip-Hop/Soul — REAL Hip-Hop/Soul — AIN’T really DEAD.

With that said, I would like to dedicate this Mega-blog to any/everyone who dropped black roses on Hip-Hop’s casket after euthanizing the sickly, bed-ridden genre currently living within the pens, pads and vocal chords of REAL artists/musicians/composers/performers across the globe like the 27 I’ve personally selected to introduce to you. Hopefully, you enjoy reading..err, sifting through the blog/debating with fellow music heads about it.. just as much as I did writing it. OK, BYE. Let’s DO it.

Phonte Coleman: The Biggest Rap Star In Your Apartment Complex.

He’s only the ‘biggest rap star in your apartment complex’ and the ‘best kept secret since the AIDs cure’ …He raps better than your favorite ‘IT-boy’ rapper, croons better than your favorite tat-chestded crooner and zings wittier one-liners than your favorite late nite Comic Viewster — His name is Phonte ‘Phontigallo’ Coleman (…aka the face of critically-acclaimed Hip-Hop trio duo Little Brother & Nu-Soul duo Foreign Exchange) and he’s the #1 reason why Hip-Hop/Soul… Ain’t… DEAD…

…Don’t believe the HYPE?! …then google (Phonte) (+) Kanye, who admittedly scrapped his clunky College Dropout-flow after hearing the N.C. Central grad-turnt-(uber)undie-MC’s legendary verse on (Little Brother’s) “The Yo-Yo” (“…Man, sh*t, I’m bout to kick some Trick Daddy next poetry night like Myyy..Blaaaack..Queeeen..don’t know nann n*gga!”) …or Weezy, who struggled to keep up with the burly beat-rocker on the playful femme-love/hate anthem “Breakin’ My Heart” (Weezy = ‘…I gets all up in your head, just like shampoo…’ < Phonte = ‘…a woman’s life is love, a man’s love is life…’) …

…With four certified classics (Little Brother’s The Listening/Minstrel Show + Foreign Exchange’s Connected/Leave it all Behind) under his belt and thousands of die hard fans studying his every syllable, Phonte aka the best ‘everyman’s rapper’ alive (‘…My girl was throwin’ up this morning/I’m prayin’ it was somethin’ she ate…’) quietly etched his name into most Top-10 MC lists after penning some of the illest punch-lines (‘…might want to let me put my all in you/or else one of these off-brand Wal-Mart n*ggaz might try to Target you…’)/verses (See: “Boondock Saints”)/vocal arrangements (See: “House of Cards”) of our Hip-Pop-infused generation …

(“Boondock Saints” = ‘…Because I ain’t shucking, because I ain’t jivin’/Some of these cr*ckers won’t stand beside me/And cuz I ain’t killin’ and don’t support pimpin’/Some of these n*ggas wanna call me a Cosby/Well, I’ll be that dude, I’ll scratch that itch/I’ll play that role, call me Heathcliff b*tch!’)

…Nonetheless, if you’re a jaded Hip-Hopper struggling to re-discover REAL Hip-Hop in today’s ring-tone-deafened society, I highly recommend you purchase tickets to the next Foreign Exchange show (Ticket = $15) coming soon to an obscure venue in the hidden corners of a major city near you …Believe me, after vibing with Phonte and 173 fellow music lovers for two, maybe three hours, you too, will be a believer …

J. E. The  Extraterres… with Tourrettes: Live From Planet X.

After hearing Jay Electronica (‘They call me Jay Electronica…f*ck that. Call me Jay ElecHannukah..Jay ElecYalmulke..etc..’) ‘Jay ElecHannukah’ spit that ‘blow your brain, Kurt Cobain — Nirvana sh*t’ over Just Blaze’s incredible “Exhibit A (Transformations)” backdrop (“…I paved ways like Nat and Harriet, I blast on Judas Iscariots and peel off in the chariot…”), it was clear that the mind-bending beat bully from the ‘city built on top of a grave’ was more than just another quirky, dare-to-be-different MC with a store bought flow like Asher Roth or gimmicky image like Charles Hamilton …

…Nah, son… Jay Elec was the personification of innovation…and err, somewhat of a whimsical weirdo with a subtle edginess + beautifully surreal musical approach that only the most intellectual (of) ‘backpackers’/music connoisseurs could appreciate… To me, Jay Elec embodied everything that fad-tattered ‘hipsters’ like KiD CuDi strived to be and proved, once again, that rappers from the ‘souf’ were more than just criminally coonish cash-fiends/reckless misogynists with painfully dinky-doink flows …

…As a city skipping beatmaker/wordsmith with an endearing affinity for cult-classic movies/allusions (“…my mama said son why such a lonely face/because the pressures on me/plus I feel like Bill Murray trapped in Punxsutawney…”), the Planet-X-born, N.O.-bred MC dropped several buzz-worthy mixtapes, a phenomenal ‘poetry-in-motion’ (spit)session “Eternal Sunshine (The Pledge)” and the critically-acclaimed Dilla mash-up Style Wars EP that elevated him to ‘NEXT-status’ where he’s now poised to finally drop his highly-anticipated debut album sometime in the near/far-reaching future…

…But until then, it’s probably best that you bang “Exhibit A, B & now C”/Style Wars EP until your speakers implode while waiting for the shadow lurking MC to drop (…quite possibly the illest single of the year…) “Dear Moleskine” — the soul-piercing Just Blaze gem that’s been teased online/on-tour for months with no official ‘drop-date’ …Oh, and, uh, if I were you I would avoid the 1 min. 45 sec. mini-teaser like a double McMexican swine sammich with extra pickled pig hoofle sauce… you’ll only be torturing yourself …

Black Milk: The Dirty ‘D’s’ ‘Youngest In Charge’

Curtis ‘Black Milk’ Cross certainly isn’t J. ‘Dilla’ Yancey nor does he pretend to be when crafting his sinister snare kicks + soul-splashed samples that breathe life into desolate souls — like Dilla’s untouchable catalogue of ‘Donuts’ — while standing alone as new-age pages in the Hip-Hop Beat-Bible that the legendary beatmaker/MC died too soon to finish…

At 25 years young, Detroit’s second ‘youngest in charge’ (#1 Mayor Kwame) is a GROWN azzded MAN on the MP with a flair for filthy, Dirty ‘D’-pimp slapped drum baps (See: “Give The Drummer Sum”) and wildly-imaginative, chipmunk-funk’d sample loops (See: “Shut It Down”), that, when meshed together, create audible anti-biotics for the POP-diseased strain of Hip-Hop currently spreading through the industry via trend-thirsty ‘super producers’ who couldn’t touch Black’s weakest reference tracks with their hottest ‘top-shelf tracks’/ring-tones… (‘Did he just…?!’) … Yea, I said it! …

…If anything, Black Milk represents a gritty new-breed of brilliant beatmaker/MCs (Jay Electronica/Hi-Tek/Nottz) who body their own bangers (‘…If Hip-Hop’s dead and out/Black Milk just gave that b*tch mouth-to-mouth/brought it… back to life… out the hospital… ILLL… the industry owe me, got hospital bills…’) and showcased this through his widely-heralded albums Popular Demand/Tronic + the sick (regional) collabs Caltroit (Feat. Bishop Lamont) & The Set Up (Feat. Fat Ray) further establishing the Detroit-anchored midwest as a perennial power-player in the steadily-growing underground Hip-Hop/Soul movement…

…So with that said, I move that we, as new-age Hip-Hopsters, dead these pointless Black Milk/Dilla comparisons/arguments/debates and allow Black Milk to shape his own legacy without facing lifetimes worth of unrealistic expectations to be everything that Dilla was, and more…I mean DAMN, let Black Milk be, well, GREAT… I’m sure Dilla would…

Blu: Eternal Sunshine of the Golden (BLU) Mind.

The 26-year-old reflection in Johnson ‘Blu’ Barnes’ mirror is somewhat complex, flawed and reality-bitten… but, uhh, then again, that’s why any/everyone with their ears to the streets are buzzing about the nonchalantly confident leftcoast ‘rap peasant’ named Blu whose razor sharp ‘real-life’-coated bars force you to look into the mirror while wondering whether you’re living your life like it’s golden or merely just existing on this great ball of stress that we call the Earth  (Sadat X) …

…To some, ‘Blu’ is nothing more than a primary color but to true Hip-Hopsters he’s one of the realest, intimately introspective MCs in the game (“…And you chillin’ in your house with a wife, a few children/Feelin’ like you struck a million/Lookin’ at your kids like/‘Sh*t, this my son… This n*gga came from my nuts…”) who poured the contents of his tortured soul in between the paper’s lines (‘…I got dreams I ain’t reached yet – ends that ain’t meet yet/When it comes to being a man, sh*t I’m barely getting my feet wet/Trying to hit reset knee deep in debt/Trying to figure out how to feed a mouth that ain’t got teeth yet…’) for his fearless debut opus Below The Heavens that converted several ‘stuck-in-the-’90s’ ’Pac-stans into full-fledged, true Blu-believers …

…And NO, I’m in no way comparing a freshly-planted rose seed (Blu) maturing beneath the concrete to the fully-bloomed, concrete-grown rose that was Tupac Shakur — a Hip-Hop legend, even if the lyrically profound fresh face (recently) earned the late MC’s crown from Pacific Time Zone’d Hip-Hopsters/backpackers deeply immersed in a new-era ‘Cali-Soul movement’ (U-N-I/Fashawn/Pac Div) destined to revive the West’s severely comatized, Jerk-ravaged Hip-Hop pedigree …

…But I doubt the newly-major label drafted Blu (Sire/Warner Bros. records) cares about these over-blown comparisons (Hip-Hop Hype-Machinists = ‘YoO Blu’s betta than Lupe … illa than Nas … doper than Phonte’) or supposed ‘Westcoast (Hip-Hop) Savior’ status (Mainframe, ½ of Johnson&Johnson: “…A lot of rappers try to fit into a certain mold, but Blu breaks out of it…I think he’s the savior of West Coast Hip-Hop right now…”) and remains focused on inspiring Hip-Hop’s ‘left behind’ through eloquently insightful verses that elevated last year’s undie-gem (Mainframe-collab) Johnson&Johnson into serious ‘Album/Producer of the Year’ conversations/Award considerations …

Believe me when I say Blu’s winning right now and poised to shatter coastal biases in the name of REAL Hip-Hop especially after being contacted by a young deaf girl who revealed that the vibrations from his music were like no other when she placed her hands on her friends’ ‘Blu-blessed’ speakers … Obviously, I’m down with Blu, the question is, are YOU?

Little Dragon (Interlude)

*When PRETENDING to be a MUSIC HEAD goes wrong*

‘Music Head’: ‘Waaait, hold up, OK, so ‘Little Dragon’ is, uhh, Phonte … and, um, MC Pooh ..somethin’ … and 9^th … right?! … Dude, I’ve been a 9^th Wonder fan since Jay-Z’s Black Album and loved Phonte’s hook on that Playaz Circle jam … Yo, I been wonderin’ why that cat doesn’t sing more… dude has a nice voice …’

Me: Nawl, that’s Little Brother … you know, Phonte and Rapper Big Pooh … but, uh, 9^th Wonder hasn’t been with the group for a year or two now and definitely dropped doper tracks than “Threat” (Black Album) … As for Phonte, well, he’s on the road as we speak with his soul duo Foreign Exchange … Yea, but THIS group is Little Dragon.

‘Music Head’: ‘OoO, aight, COOL, For-eign … Ex-change … I’ll definitely check them out, but, OK, back to Little…Dragon, now they’re basically this ‘underground’ electro-POP/Rock, kinda Soulish/R&Bish Euro-band froooom Scotland … NO, Switzerland?! … Yeaaa, they SWISS … all dudes and one chick, right?! … kinda like Lucy Pearl, but white..err, European… YES, I LOVE that band!’

Me: *sigh* …You mean Sweden …

‘Music Head’: ‘OoOps, yea, my bad, Sweeeden, hahaa … same thing … but they were MAJOR in the ’90s, like global … Yo, I rocked wit them HARD when they dropped “Zombie” … Their lead singer, tha chick with the dirty tennis ball cut and swexy Europe-ish accent was HAWT… But wait, they weren’t always called Little Dragon though, right?! … Their name was Lusty Grapes, Tasty Blueberries, ehh, somethin’ like that, like some kinda fruit… *nods* ..mhhhmmm … naw, don’t try to play me son, I know who tha hell Little Dragon is … ’

Little Dragon: Stranger Than Fiction.

Little Dragon is headlining my wedding reception. No, really, they are — all four of those Electrosoul-smitten Swedes… Yep, I’ve already told my mama and, well, now I’m telling, HER, my future wife, as I’m typing this to mentally prepare them for the incredibly eclectic Rock/POP/Soul collective that very well may be the only reason why most legit music heads still find themselves optimistic about the future of progressive R&B/Soul music (…devoid of any poisonous Major Label additives or crippling A&R preservatives…)

Maybe it’s their funky fresh slinky-synths (See: “Turn Left”), retro-Soul-slicked aesthetic (See: “Feather”) or lead singer (Japanese/American/Swedish) Yukimi Nagano’s haunting vocals (See: “Twice”) that forever locked the Gothenburg-based quartet inside my cardio beatbox once their stunning self-titled debut Little Dragon (’07) faded into the warmest corners of my soul… Whatever it was, I F’N LOVED these talented dudes & sultry songbird, yes, LOVED them, and vowed to share them with the ‘musically thirsted’ until, they too, tracked down the band’s masterfully-conceived, indie-released debut album …

At the time, there were simply no artistic entities like Little Dragon (…aka Erik Bodin, Drums + Fredrik Källgren Wallin, Bass + Håkan Wirenstrand, Keys + Yukimi, Vocals) who easily carved their own niche in the Electro/Nu-Soul arena while generating a contagious promo-push for their highly-anticipated sophomore project Machine Dreams — a soulfully abstract, ’80s-POP-glossed throwback (See: “Runabout”) met with critical praise upon its release on Aug. 31… And the fans?! …well, most of us probably haven’t stopped playing the delightfully trippy record splashed with (more of) Yukimi’s (signature) soul-melting pipes (See: “A New”) that are unlike any other in the ‘soulstress’-saturated industry …

As long as Little Dragon is rockin’ stages, YOU, your ‘music head’ associates and these miserable-minded complainers have no reason to moan, groan and bemoan about the lack of REAL music/artists/innovation in today’s over-hyped musical wasteland… I say: delve deeper… expand your comfort zones… open your minds… and, maybe then, you’ll realize that there IS life after Hip-Hop/Soul’s supposed death after all …

Marsha Ambrosius: There’s Somethin’ About Marsha.

British chanteuse Marsha A. has (Jenny ‘Effie’ Hudson’s inner-strenf) + (MJB’s killer instinct) X (‘Lyzell in E Flat’ Jill Scott’s range) + (Adele’s Euro-edge) – (‘Post-Lyzell’ Jill Scott’s incessant emo-babble) ÷ (‘Indie-hyped’ Jaz Sullivan’s growth potential) + (‘Mr. Biggs’ Kelly Price’s (vocal) power) which, according to my 4^th Grade ‘PEMDAS’ notes, makes her the illest ‘songstress’ in the biz who, with one heart-chilling vocal ripple, turns ‘Baby, maybe we shouldn’t’ into ‘OoO baby, YES, right there’ in the bedroom while reigning as Hip-Hop’s ‘Heartfelt Hook’ Queen (Hi-Tek “Music For Life”/Fabolous “Stay”/Wale “Diary”)/R&B/Soul’s underrated golden pen (Michael Jackson “Butterflies”/Alicia Keys “Go Ahead”/Jazmine Sullivan “Music (All I Need)” …

Fellas, don’t trip, you know you luh Marsha’s panty-wetting, soul-stirring ways and currently have 11-17 of her songs sprinkled throughout your personal ‘seductive slow-burn mix’ (#1 Floetry “Imagination”/#2 Marsha & Jamie “Freak’N Me”/#3 Floetry “Say Yes”) …It’s cool, we ALL do, just like the ladies, who now expect to hear two or three Marsha jams between every few Jodeci, Kellz, Maxwell, Dream & Trey Songz..etc.. baby makers on our playlists …

…Um, YES, Marsha’s definitely THE TRUTH and one of three, maybe four, high-profile vocalists who truly ‘touch me’ whenever they sing, hum, chant or even speak. *Sigh* Yea, I admit it: Marsha plucked the hell outta my heartstrings the first time I watched Floetry’s Floacism Live like no other major artist I’ve ever seen perform live. *Nods* True story.

However, despite Floetry’s global mega-success, Floacism would be the doomed duo’s first, and last, live DVD before Marsha ditched her ‘singin’ chick from Floetry’-image,’ inked a solo deal with Dr. Dre’s Aftermath imprint and later re-emerged as the #1 contender for the struggling genre’s oft-disputed crown with Yours Truly (produced entirely by TheRealFocus), which — despite its ‘free mixtape’ status — shines as one the Top-5 R&B/Soul albums of the past several years mainly due to it’s edgy, yet masterfully conceived soundscapes (See: “Cloud 9”), stunning vocal arrangements (See: “Start…Finish”) and deeply-rooted emotional core (See: “Some Type Of Way”) …

(Yours Truly —>http://sharebee.com/b72516e7. You’re F’N welcome.  )

At this point, every one of you irksome Melanie Fiona over-hypesters can GO thaaat a’waaay. Damn. OK. I GET it. Melanie’s dope, she’s amazing, yes, she’s a ‘breaf of fresh air.’ But she’s NO Marsha and her flawed debut album The Bridge is definitely NO Yours Truly. Sorry. Seriously, let it go, and realize that 2010 belongs to Aftermath’s newly-minted H.B.I.C. who’s finally slated to release her solo debut album and officially claim a R&B/Soul crown that some believe belongs to: Jazzy..err, maybe Jill, others: Chrisette, Adele or  Alicia and Team:Melanie: well, Melanie.

…Better yet, it doesn’t even matter who your crownee is because we all know who we turn to when we need (Fellas): ‘I’m sorry, I can’t, I have a man and we in luhhh’ to turn into ‘Fuhhh dat N-AAAA, he cheatin’ ent’tee-way, I got condoms in mah purse *Here*’ or (Ladies): ‘Nawl, baby, I aint goin’ down durrr, Nah uh, NOPE’ to turn into ‘Damn, baby, you taste just like candy, like skrawberries, mmmm like some choc’late covered skittles … nam-nam-nam’ …Ha, stop trippin.’ Marsha’s the illest breathin.’ Thank you. Goodnite.

9^th Wonder: The Talented Mr. ‘Wondra.’

Patrick Douthit used to ‘make beats’ (…with Fruity Loops FL Studio) inside his very own recording studio..err, N.C. Central dorm room like many of the thirsty ‘I’m-Da-Next-Kanye’-clones in my ’ole H.U. dorm (…a few doors down from the artsy ‘shirt designers’ and a floor above the business-minded ‘party promoters’…) who wasted the ‘best years of their lives’ ‘trying’ to do what HE had already done once fellow classmates Phonte Coleman and Thomas Jones blessed his beautifully Soul-bejazzled Hip-Hop backdrops: Produce a CLASSIC Hip-Hop record.

From there, Patrick + Thomas + Phonte formed the new-schoolish, Tribe Called Quest-esque underground Hip-Hop trio ‘Little Brother’ (…and the Hip-Hop collective The Justus League…) before officially releasing their delightfully organic, semi-dorm produced opus The Listening (ABB Records), which, to me, ranks as one of the Top-20 Hip-Hop records of our musically-ravaged ‘lost generation’ …

(Legendary producer Pete Rock: ‘The Listening kinda brings me back to the days of when the 90’s was poppin.’ It’s more realistic than what I’m hearing today and sounds like these guys put a lot of work into it. I love this album. Classic.’)

Please. Disagree. I dare you… or simply just nod and smile because you, like me, could not stop nodding to the critically-adored Indie triumph that formally introduced Hip-Hop heads to the game’s master Soul samplist/‘Oldie-But-Goodie’ cratesmith/Midas-touched MP maestro (now) known as Patrick Douthit 9^th Wonder aka ‘Ninff Wondra’ who flips, chops & loops the record-crackled soundtracks of our parent’s ‘Soul Glo’-doused ‘wonder years’ better than any other mainstream/underground ‘Soul-sampling’ producer/beatmaker/beat-putterer-togetherer in today’s sample-smacked industry …

Sorry. ‘Ninff’ is iller than your favorite ‘producer’ and boasts the sickest ‘Big Louffa’ V. (See: Median “Comfortable”)/Stylistics (See: Little Brother “Shorty on the Lookout”) samples I’ve ever heard alongside a seemingly never-ending catalogue of genius, how-the-hell-did-he…?!-sample loops like:  A) Curtis Mayfield’s “Back Against The Wall” (Rapper Big Pooh “Scars”) B) Pleasure’s “Reality” (De La Soul “Church”) and C) Billy Paul’s “Word Gets Around” (MURS “Freak These Tales”) that only he (…and maybe DOOM, but I digress…) could’ve weaved into timeless undie-Hip-Hop bangers …

Me? …yea, I’m a Team: ‘Ninff’-ster whose soul blushes whenever his ‘dusty-fingered’ soulscapes bang through my speakers. But, uh, who isn’t?! …other than the stone-cold ‘Ninnff haters’ who blib-blab about the producer’s familiar drum kicks until they’re Smurf-blue in the face instead of celebrating the N.C.-born & raised dorm rat-turnt-mainstream-dabbling-producer with Destiny’s Child (“Is She The Reason”), Hov (“Threat”) & MJB (“Good Woman Down”) production credits waving at ‘them’ from the top of his resume … *Hi Haters* …

…Ha, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t hate on a world-renown producer currently instructing a production-related course (“Sampling Soul”) at a prestigious institution (Duke U.) based on the very thing that his ‘beat haters’ HATE on … But, uh, that’s just ME …what the hell do I know?! … *Kanye shrug*

Eric Roberson: R&B/Soul’s Most Known Unknown.

Eric Roberson could step into your house TO-DAY and sing the ‘SMOOV’est song you’ve never heard — off the dome — about the stack of ‘ain’t-gon’-be-paid’ bills on your living room table, few days old ‘spasghetti’-stained dishes in your kitchen sink and illegal cable connection ‘hidden’ behind your 46’’ plasma while you nodded to his every word — thoroughly intrigued and deeply ashamed — wondering how you, a ‘Soul head,’ could say: Huh, Eric Who?! whenever fellow Soul heads gushed about the undisputed, severely underrated (…often overlooked and musically unappreciated…) face of the Indie-Soul/progressive Nu-Soul musical movement …

As much as I dig Dwele, ‘Radio’ Raheem D., Ant Hamilton, Ant David & LL Cool Jesse B., there’s no way I’d rock with any of them over the shea-buttery, baby’s-booteez-cheeks-‘smoov’-voiced singer/songwriter/producer who, in my ‘humble’ opinion, is the dopest pure Soul sanga in the game with a platinum pen (Dwele “Hold On”/Vivian Green “Love Rollercoaster”/Musiq “Previous Cats”) + a golden collection of timeless gems spread across his latest (near classic) albums …Left (See: “Been In Love” Feat. Phonte) & Music Fan First (See: “The Newness”), earlier work The Vault 1.5 (See: “Couldn’t Hear Me” & The Appetizer (See: “N2U” Feat. Marsha) and rewind-worthy collabs (See: J. Rawls “Pleasure & Pain”) …

Believe me, there’s no one (…other than *Maxwell…) touching ‘Erro’ (Yea, OK, his mama named him Eric, but his fans — his REAL fans — call him ‘Erro’) — Soul’s most known unknown — who gives one of the dopest live (Soul) shows you’ll ever experience (…especially for $17-$20) …or attempt to experience, if you’re able to beat the legions of fanatical Erro-heads to the venue for his (usually) sold out, ultra-packed, oft-improv’d shows (Erro: ‘What do ya’ll want me to sing about?!’ … Crowd: ‘Sexy shoulder blades, pretty ankle bones and Gummi Bears!’ … Erro: ‘OK, cool, let’s do it …’ *kills it*) …

Having met and vibed with Jersey’s-own Eric Roberson, I can honestly say he’s one of the coolest + humblest ‘Da-Otha H.U.’grads artists I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. He’s also an iller freestylist than 99% of ‘working rappers’ today and a warm-spirited crowd pleaser who adores his deeply-supportive fans. Clearly, at this stage of the game, there’s no excuse for any ‘music lover,’ let alone ‘music head,’ to say: WHO? when asked about ‘Erro’ or his latest album Music Fan First — one of ’09’s best. Seriously, stop moving left and get right… or, just get familiar. ‘Erro’ IS Soul. He ain’t goin’ NOwhere …

Jaspects: Revenge of the Polkadotted Band Geekz.

The Jaspects were obviously the geeky cool cats on campus (Morehouse) who rocked Polo blazers & pastel-colored bowties to their early classes because they were too fresh, talented and popular on the yard to care that it was 98 degrees outside — Yea, I’d say T. Brown (Keys/Music director), J.C. Sowells (Bass), “HC3” (Drums), “Spacey” Dugger (Tenor-Sax), Stagolee (Alto-Sax) and J. E. King (Trumpet) were the coolest cuttas at camp — the quirkily Jazzmatazzed, Dungeon Fam-inspired ‘so fresh & so cleandeds’ — who Hip-Bopped light years ‘outside the box’ where they perfected their incredibly Cosmo-Funk’d-Electro-Soul-infused brand of socially conscious mood music that currently has ATLiens + music-loving Earthlings throwin’ both of their ‘J’s’ up — HIGH— into the skies …

Not much is known about ‘polkadotted stripes’ or their deep space planet of origin but it’s clear they were speckled all over the genre-bending sextet’s fourth (’05 In ‘House’ Sessions/’06 Broadcasting The Definition/’07 Double Conciousness*Must-Have*) word-of-mouf-hyped indie-release aptly entitled The Polkadotted Stripe, which absolutely ROCKS as an intergalactoSoul-synthed voyage into the musical ‘unknown’ that’s just as creatively intoxicating as it is space-Jazz’d, funk-drunk and instrumentally impeccable…

…And NO, I. Can’t. STOP. Banging. This. Album. It’s just that artistically ‘different’ in the dopest possible way and my tentative selection as 2009’s ‘Album of the Year’ (…with the illest breakdown of the year (See: “Polkadotted Stripe”) …

Before The Polkadotted Stripe, I would’ve helped Hov pine-box Auto-Tune FOR FREE until the Jaspects KILLED “Unifunk” & “Polkadotted Stripe” (My favorite two songs of the year) with the cringe-worthy ‘robo-croon’ effect that actually enhanced the most memorable tracks on the album. Naturally, there will be those who won’t care for their ambitious Auto-Tune dabbling, but most open-minded music heads will, while wondering why chronic vocoderists with major label homes like Ron Browz have NO clue how to prop-er-ly use the acclaimed pitch-correction software that the Jaspects utilized so masterfully without appearing desperate for mainstream attention …

But, then again, the Jaspects are TRUE musicians with a deep appreciation for the musical arts that comes across during their enjoyably frenetic live shows where they bust moves, rock mics and play their own instruments for ‘good music’-feenin’  crowds across the nation. Sadly, 8 out of every 10.5 ‘music heads’ have no idea who the Jaspects are, what they are or why they should even care about a few random “Morehouse Men” with talent & a dream which is why I’m now formally introducing them to you, them and anyone who claims there’s no bands like them patiently waiting to be discovered.

I say: GET FAMILIAR. And then, when you finally do, crank your Jaspects’ record to ele’ben and throw your ‘J’s’ up — HIGH — into the skies.

*By the way, I’m in LOVE with Chantae Cann’s voice. YES, she’s the up-and-coming soulstress who murders the breakdown on “Polkadotted Stripe” …She’s also featured on the absolutely stunning “Find My Way To Love” … Trust me. She’s official.

Nicolay: The Re-Birth of Nu-Cool

When Netherlander Nicolay ‘connected’ with N.C. upstart Phonte on the innanet (okayplayer.com) nearly a decade ago, he had never met the uber-talented rappa-sanga before sending him a soulfully-infectious collection of head-nodders to write to, croon over and send back to be mastered until they = (Phonte + Nicolay) = ‘Foreign Exchange’ joined together to promote the finished product: 2004’s hidden jewel Connected — one of the dopest full-length infusions of Hip-Hop/Nu-Soul/R&B to ever be released (…and subsequently ignored by the mainstream’s musical gate keepers…)

…Nevertheless, new-age Soul heads pledged allegiance to Nicolay’s ‘smooved’-out synths/delectable melodies that pushed Connected into cult classic status while setting the tone for the Euro-wonder’s successful solo ventures Time:Line & Here (See: “I Love The Way You Love”(Feat. D. Brock), “Tight Eyes” (Feat. The Luv Bugz & Oh No) & “My Story” (Feat. Sy Smith & Kay) and 2008’s unforgettable re-connection with Phonte (Foreign Exchange’s) Leave It All Behind which cemented ‘Nicolay’ as the ‘smoovest’ beatmaker/composer in the game not named Dwele, J. Rawls or Zo! (respectfully) …

…Although Nicolay’s virtually unknown to everyday ‘music heads’ currently indulging in faux-(Nu)-Soul headlined by confused ‘soul artists’ like Jaz ‘The Caw Winduh Busta’ Sullivan, there’s no denying his undying commitment to preserving the actual SOUL in Soul music both inside the studio and on the road with Foreign Exchange — the most successful Soul-collective in today’s soul-starved industry… (Foreign Exchange > Platinum Pied Pipers) …

…Maybe now, after reading this, you’ll weave through the post-Foreign Exchange show mob to take a few pics with the lesser-known Nicolay rather than Phonte, who’s usually surrounded by overly-aggressive male/female groupies — Yep, just look for the tall, lanky white dude in the corner by the keyboards — He’s usually the coolest cat in the room …

Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham: The Rise & Fall… & Rise? of Drizzy F. Baby.

Never has a MEGA-hyped underground sensation nobody gone from being the dopest unsigned hypester on the globe to the dopiest P.R. FAILure in the galaxy in a mere matter of months… err, that is… until Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham aka Canada’s great lite-brite hype rocketed into superstardom with his globally-droOled-over ‘mixtalbum’ So Far Gone — that spawned two consecutive ‘Song of the Year’ candidates “Best I Ever Had” & “Successful” — before plummeting into uberwhackdom when he:

A) performed his ultra-explicit misogo-smash ‘Every Girl’ in a wheelchair — for a record-setting BET Awards viewing audience — with a slew of underaged ‘hypegirls’ (…aka Weezy’s daughter & friends) on-stage … (Drake on BET Awards debacle: “It was just timed very poorly and it definitely wasn’t planned like that” … “To anyone who was offended, my personal apologies; it wasn’t intended to offend anybody”) *Cue: Homer: ‘D’oh!’*

B) starred in a skank-juice splattered video for his chart-smashing single “Best I Ever Had” that he later apologized to his female fans for releasing …(Drake on soft-pornish music video debacle: “I guess one thing I didn’t consider is what the song personally means to a lot of women” … “To those women, I apologize. I do apologize. My intention wasn’t to put anyone down. It was to make them laugh. I wanted people to see something visually different.”) *Cue: Homer: ‘D’oh!’*

C) crumpled into a pathetic, tragedy-pinched chumpling on-stage during the America’s Most Wanted Music Festival (Feat. Weezy, Jeezy & Soulja Boy) at the height of his meteoric ascension into the Hip-Pop stratosphere despite being told by Doctors NOT to perform on his shredded ACL … (Drake on stage collapse debacle: “I blacked out and really forgot I was injured. I was just so full of adrenaline, so happy to be there, it kind of set in for me”) *Cue: Ed Lover: ‘C’Mon Son!’*

D) signed his soul over to an insanely impregnatious, sizzurp-sloshing hobgoblin named Dwayne Carter who consistently placed him in the worst possible situations at the worst possible times while slowly siphoning away his mega-hype to fuel his own solar system-sized ego/insatiable craving for mainstream publicity … *Cue: Super Mario Death Ditty*: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHJSZSRSljk

…And somehow, these events occurred only weeks after the lyrically dexteritous uber-MC (…“I’ma rapper-turnt-singer and you can tell that he smoke/I don’t need no vocal cords/All I hit is C-Notes/N.E.R.D. flow, I spaz if I’m provoked/I’m about to change the F@#$# game/Pass the remote…”)/melody hummer (See: “Lust For Life”) emerged from the underground as the *gasp* FUTURE of Hip-Hop’s future + second-coming of (Golden-Era Hova) + (Pre-Bad Boy Biggie) + (Post-9 bullet-50 (Cent) …

…Dammit, ‘Drizzy’ Drake was Neo (the one), Luke Skywalker (the chosen one) & Bruce LeRoy (the one + ‘the glow’) com-bined to many mainstream Hip-Hop consumers who had never heard of the ex-child TV star until Weezy publicly co-signed him as the next, best HIM…

…But REAL-Hip-Hoppers?! …We ‘been known’ Aubrey, and wept the day he broke up with Hip-Hop to pledge allegiance to the house that Weezy baby daddy built… Yea, ‘Drizzy’ was Hip-Hop’s most-recent #1 Draft Pick and brought ‘hope’ to Hip-Hop, but his Kanye-esque, underdog-allure was gone; He was no longer the ‘misunderestimated’ Hip-Hop hybrid that murdered every (dope) track (9^th Wonder, Slakah..etc..) he breathed on (‘…My reality is brighter than your dreams are/I got your dream girl ridin’ in your dream car…”) with a who’s who of talented somewhat known/underground MC/vocalists (Phonte, Dwele, Elzhi, Kardinall Offishall..etc..)

..NOPE, Drake was now Drizzy F. Baby — another syrupy Hip-POPpist with a nauseating Auto-Tune fetish, cringe-worthy ‘super-crew’ (Young Money) and steadily declining non-POP following …

…However, in spite of my better judgment, I’ll overlook Aubrey’s post-Weezy-wrecked career path to focus solely on his Hip-Hop intangibles/lyrical prowess/triple threat appeal effortlessly displayed throughout his older mixtapes Comeback Season/Room For Improvement when his collabs with Little Brother “Don’t You Have A Man”/ “Think Good Thoughts” and Dwele “Deceiving” slowly seeped into my cerebral (Hip-Hop) subconciousness …

… Come Feb. 14, 2010, we’ll all (officially) know where Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham stands as an artist, an MC and a serious triple threat … Where will YOU be when Thank Me Later drops?!? …

Wale: DMV Dreamin’

He’s ‘not the next Biggie… he’s not the next Jay… he’s not the next Nas… he’s the first Wale’ — a beat murking punch-line ripper who’s DESPISED by ‘Hipster Haters’ and beloved by progressive Hip-Hopsters who swear by the scatterbrainded spitsmith’s mambo sauce-dipped bars that easily catapulted him into Hip-Hop’s mainstream/homes of POP-diseased suburbanites who had never banged ‘Go-Go’ until “Pretty Girls” beat its feet through their Bose stereo systems …

…Say what you want about the ultra-cocky (‘…I spit nasty/My tongue need a rubber homes…’), sports fanatical (‘…I’m just payin’ homage/If I ain’t strive to be Sean (Carter)..I’d..End..Up..like KiJana…’) DMV-reppin’ young’n and his psycho-frenetic ‘Waco’ flow… (but) dude’s next-level potential is undeniable like his firm grasp on a D.C. Hip-Hop movement that nearly spiraled into irrelevancy (…like the Redskins/Wizards…) before he dropped the classic Seinfeld-themed Mixtape About Nothing marking the (official) beginning of Wale’s come-up as the first major rap act to rep our nation’s capital (…or greater DM minus V area) on wax…

…And please, don’t spam me, questioning me about Wale’s inclusion in this blog until you’ve thoroughly digested the Mixtape About Nothing/(9^th Wonder collab) Back to the Feature/100 Miles & Running and listened closely to his “Hacksaw Jim Duggan”/“2^nd Time Around”/“Rediscover Me” verses that served as fitting preludes to his major record deal with Mark Ronson’s Allido records/Interscope and upcoming debut album Attention: Deficit that dropped on Nov. 10 …

…Whether you love Wale Folaren… or hate the DMV-MC…you’ll always remember his name …Hell, he says it every few bars … (My name Wale… dutta da .. dutta da .. dutta da dee … My name Wale… Haaa ) … Attention: Deficit … In MOST stores NOW… COP it!

Chrisette Michele: Little Miss SunSOULshine

Chrisette Michele’s debut album I Am was everything that I never expected a Def Jam release by a Neo-Soulstress to be: nostalgic, organic and soulfully refreshing — It was truly a musical tour de force considering the storied record label’s modern infatuation with syrup-smathered POP music while shining as one of the crowning achievements of the now-defunct, although highly-successful ‘Carter Administration’ responsible for The-Dream, Jeezy, Fabo-Loso, Ne-Yo, RiRi Fierce & Officer Ricky Walrus..etc…

…As the youngest member of the mega-label’s oft-ignored ‘Def Soul’ division, Chrisette killed ’em softly with her vicious vibrato, cutesy elegance and spunky spirit that slowly, but surely nudged I Am onto most ’07 must-cop lists despite a low-key marketing approach by Hov (…and the Carter Cabinet) who eventually ‘dropped the label’ that Ricky & Russy built to focus on his own Roc Nation imprint/solo ventures …

At that point, Chrisette tumbled to the bottom of the label’s star-studded roster where she was later watered down + repackaged as a ‘Contemporary R&B/Soul’ artist by L.A. G’Reid who probably water-boarded the helpless soulstess until she chirped half-hearted, vibrato-free vocals over Ne-Yo’s redundant backdrops that encompassed her overly-formulaic sophomore album Epiphany — an utterly disappointing mish mash of B-sides/throwaway tracks with no heart, substance or purpose for even being recorded…

Naturally, Team: Chrisette swooned over the soul-stripped, commercially-appealing Epiphany — which debuted at #1 on the charts (83K sold) — while I slept through the lifeless montage of songs during my desperate attempts to give it a third, fourth or fifth listen before officially .. A) launching my ‘FREE Chrisette Michele from Def Jam NOW campaign’  .. B) pretending that Epiphany never really dropped, or was somehow shelved indefinitely .. C) adding Chrisette to my ‘confused soul sangas’ list with Jazmine Sullivan, Musiq, Raheem D., Robin Thicke and Ledisi …

…But, then again, the Grammy-winning N.Y.-native is only 26 and steadily developing as a young (newish) artist who’s widely-recognized by many, including me, as one of the hottest new-age soulstresses in the game which is why I’ve blessed her with a  golden *DO-OVER* ticket for Epiphany and anything Epiphany-related… *Hands Chrisette golden ticket*

…At the end of the day, she’s a pure Soul singer who would SHINE on a niche label like Hidden Beach Records known for molding young soul artists into globally-adored superstars (Jill Scott) without stripping them of their artistic integrity…*deep sigh* … Hopefully, she’ll realize this sooner, before later, and rips her burgeoning career from L.A. G’Reid’s clutches before he locks her in the studio with Ne-Yo (again) to record another anti-Soul record featuring RiRi yodel-libs, a Brutha duet (YES! Brutha = Def Jam) & a Ricky Walrus/Jeremih collab… Please Chrisette, MOVE (…THE HELL…) on… Def Jam doesn’t luhhh you, and never EV-ER will …

DOOM: The Madness Behind The Mask.

The masked wiggity-wacko formerly known as Daniel Dumile probably scarfed down hearty globs of caweepy crawluhs + Elmer’s glue + melted crayon sauce as a pooty-pants’d mini-McDOOMling before morphing into the grimy McSlimy stoOpa-producer/MC known as ‘DOOM’ — the dopest, most gibberish-spittin’-est (‘…Goony goo-goo loony koo-koo like Gary Gnu off New Zoo Review/But who knew the mask had a loose screw?/Hell could hardly tell/Had to tighten it up like the Drells and Archie Bell…’) whack-job dwelling in the grime-smeared nether-regions of underground Hip-Hop…

…Err, and NO, I’ve never ever (truly) seen the slop-crusted cook-ball’s mask-cloaked face (‘…Take it from the dude who wears mask like a tarded helmet…’) even if he’s one of the Top-7 dopest beatmakers/crate diggers in the game with a hilariously nonsensical flow that’s so insanededly ridiculous that you’ll wonder if he ever stopped eating glue + crayon sauce-coated insects (‘…Wylin,’ get me every red penny/Sold a lonely only child a imaginary enemy…’)

*smh* …Yeaaa, uhh, I’d say DOOM (M.F. Doom = Viktor Von Doom = KMD’s Zev Love X) is utterly insane, but there’s no denying his incredible ear for obscure, often unfindable Soul/Rock/Pop samples (Ex: Cortex “Huit Octobre 1971,” See: “One Beer”/Waldir Calmon “Airport Love Theme, See: “Curls”) featured on conceptually clever albums like the cooky, cuisine-crazed Mmm…Food? (See: “Hoe Cakes” = Anita Baker’s “Sweet Love” peppered with JJ Fad “SUPAs” + DOOM vocals… WHAT?!) or the diabolically soul-dusted Madlib-collab (DOOM + Madlib = Madvillain) Madvillainy (See: “Fancy Clown”)…

For now, DOOM thrives as a widely-ignored enigma whose latest indie-released gem Back Like That out-sold Mims’ heavily-promoted album Guilt on the ‘strenf’ of his major cult following that exploded once savvy Hip-Hoppers realized (that) he was scoring the audibly-deranged Adult Swim cartoon series … Yea, OK, I know, DOOM will never be for everyone but HE IS for those serious music lovers desperately seeking an audibly-potent dose of Top-40/sing-along-songy escapism… It’s true: We ALL wear masks (Whatchu know ’bout Paul Lawrence Dunbar?!) like DOOM during our everyday walks of life. Embrace it. After all, DOOM does …

Jazmine Sullivan: The FUTURE of R&B/Soul?! Really?!

I RE-fuse to GO IN on the laziest, most anti-successfo underachiever in R&B Jazmine Sullivan, yet again, and offer my apologies to the Soul-smiting Soul-smitten sanga, her wretched wonderful stylist and bumbaclot brilliant manager for (editorially) smashing well-deserved undeserved holes into their woefully-unsuccessful wonderfully-successful Soul&B movement like the tint-cloaked windshields that she inspired crazed ex-lovers to shatter into a zillion jagged pieces …

…Hopefully, Jazzy & her atrocious amazing team will forgive me for criticizing her nowhere-bound career and realize that she is, and will always be, one of the biggest busts of my generation my musical muse whose beautifully soul-kissed pipes are the ONLY reason why she’s included in this blog. exquisite R&B transcendence solidified her spot in this blog… For those of you who missed my VERY appropriate inappropriate letter to the heartstring plucking generic-song singer vocalist, here it is I’d rather you never read it:

Link: http://www.emqtv.com/emq/news/122/ARTICLE/1389/2009-10-06.html

Once again, I sincerely warn you to fire your mama as your Manager, hire a new stylist who doesn’t squeeze you into smedium outfits and demand that your label  remove Missy from your recording sessions before you’re career ends before it ever really started. apologize for my damn good career advice disparaging remarks and wish Jazmine ‘Caw Winduh Busta’ Sullivan much success in her future job search/background singing career. endeavors …

Alejandro. The GREAT

Twitter: http://twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8

This has been another Alejandro presentation.

“Do you ask a Dolphin how it swims, or an eagle how it flies … That’s right you don’t! Because that’s what they were made to do!” — Willy Wonka