12.5 Questions (2010 MTV VMAs Edition)

September 13th, 2010 | By Alejandro Ford

Last nite’s VMAs would’ve been the perfect combination of Ambien & Benadryl (kids, don’t try this at home) had I been struggling to win my nightly Chess game with Insomnia. But, sadly, I wasn’t, and subjected myself to MTV’s Hip-Pop-sewage-splashed Awards show with no conscience, memorable performances or timeless-‘remember when _____ did ________ with_______at the ’10 VMAs’-type moments.

So, rather than punishing you with 875 words of cliché-coated commentary (See: today’s tragically-uninspired VMAs re-caps), I decided to pose 12.5 good questions about the most mega-hyped, creatively-retarded Awards spectacle in MTV history (And yes, this year’s EBT BET Awards > VMAs. Quote me).

1. Who knew that ‘re-vitiligo’ was real, and that Will.I.Am (who looked like a fresh bottle of Jermaine Jackson’s Oriental jet-black hair dye spectacular) had been living with it all these years?

2. Was it really necessary for Mary J. Blige to add soul-stirring slave-libs to her “Fancy”-collab with Drake? (Sorry—but—they were a bit too ‘Underground Railroad-fancy’ for me).

3. What exactly does Nicki Minaj suffer from? Is she severely-Bipolar? Autistic? Schizophrenic? All three? None? A mixture of the three with a sprinkle of multiple personality disorder & deep tissue brain damage?! Let me know.

4. Why does Ke$ha always look like she reeks of used lambskin condoms, urine-dipped pork rinds & never-ending failure?

5. Why didn’t VMAs producers show Pusha T’s name & Hip-Hop resume during his performance so that white people wouldn’t think he was a random stranger-rapper Kanye-ing Kanye?

6. Who loses FIRST in a game of Operation: Drake, Michael J. Fox or Muhammed Ali?  (Let that marinate).

7. A love spawn between Antonio Banderas & Fantasia would speak just like _______? My Answer: Sofia Vergara.

8. Did Jordan Knight know that Justin Bieber was ‘borrowing’ his choreography from the “Give It To You” video?

9. Why did it feel like Chelsea Handler’s painfully-unfunny jokes were written by Carlos Mencia & Dane Cook…for Kathy Griffin?

10. Does this look like a man who wants to beat da puddy up, make it fart or buss it wide opin?

11. Where did Taylor Swift’s vocal coach go after she packed her shxt & ran off with *Ursher’s dance stamina, Mo’Nique’s inside voice & The-Dream’s neck?

12. Who gave Kanye Dynamite & his 1982 leisure suit worn by David Ruffin during the Temptation’s Valentine’s Day concerts permission to perform “Runaway” on Michael Jackson’s spaceship from the “Scream” video?

12.5 And why do I feel like he could drop an album called Moments of Silence with no lyrics, beats or song titles & his stans would still be blown away like they were after his forgettable VMAs performance?! Toast to the douchbags? Nah, I’m good.

OFFICIAL Post-BET Awards ’10 (MINI)Recap

June 29th, 2010 | By Alejandro Ford

Saying that this year’s BET Awards (sponsored by Let’s JAM-style control, Cluck-U Chicken, St. Ides malt liquor & Cash4Gold.com) weren’t as epically-fail-smeared as the previous 9 is like crowning Alicia Keys the classiest celebrity homewrecker of our HoSh!t-plagued generation, stamping Year No. 475 of Slavery the ‘Best Slave trade year EVER’ or celebrating Madea Goes To Jail as the least coonish movie of Kang Perry’s coonificent career.

I mean, let’s be real, BET is too damn established (and globally-recognized) to (still) be producing ‘Consolation Prize-worthy Award shows speckled with entertaining bits & pieces of utter hilarity, fcukery & nincompoopery without any substance, meaning or reason to be remembered 2 days, 3 weeks, 4 months or 5 years from now.

However, 68% of my Twitter (Twitter is Alicia Keys to my Swizz Beatz. FB = Mashonda. Sad, I know.) timeline actually praised this year’s bi-polar BETs (which, to me, were neither good nor turrrrrble) as a ‘shockingly good..enjoyable & even excellent show’ which, I guess, makes me a stone-cold ‘hater’ for the following ‘shade-cloaked’ (mini)recap of the ‘Greatest BET Awards of ALL-Timez.’ And no, Kanye won’t be pleased. Press [PLAY].

Now, I don’t hate BET, Queen Stutter-Lipz Debbie Lee or her ‘stepin fetchit’ side-kick Stephen Hill, but I refuse to gush over a 5 ½-hour Awards-a-thon with:

A) (An) Instantly forgettable opener (I luh you Queen..but..no) that put the ‘C’ in cliché.

B) Idiotic production value that reeked of polished last-minute-ness (too much damn smoke here, no nominees video there, uber-whack skits, illegible font on the teleprompter etc).

C) Pointless Awards (NO RiRi. NO Hov. NO Bey. NO GaGa. NO Bieber..and..umm.. Prince put his on the floor) that no one, but BET, seemed to care about.

D) Epic moments (Chris Brown’s incredible Mike Jack tribute) routinely ruined by WTF moments (random tone-deafded singer featured just moments after CB).

But, then again, maybe I’m wrong for focusing on Kanye’s tragically-uninspired comeback performance atop the Guts ‘Agro Crag,’ Drake’s EMO-Hip-POP&B spirit fingers/happy hands, ‘Classic’ Ursh Vs. ‘Has Been’ Ursh’s identity crisis, J. Cole’s ‘blink & you missed it’ performance (Thanks Debbie Lee. O_o), BET’s diabolical plot to make us love El DeBarge again, Em-T.I.-Dirty$-Khaled-B.O.B-Drake-A.Keys’-been there, done that, seen that-performances, Trey Songz being side-eyed by Prince & shamed by Patti and Alicia Keys’ adultery-stained uterine walls that ‘errrrbody  else,’ but me, and a few others, seemed to thoroughly enjoy.

Bleh, it’s cool, I’ll just sit in the corner—while ‘errrbody else’ puts lips to BET’s dimply booty cheeks—and reminisce about the MTV Music Awards’ (Mid-’90s) which, to me, are the rulers by which music-themed Awards shows ought to be measured, and will be, several years from now.

Were the Awards entertaining..at times? Yes. Did I go crazy when CB re-mixed “Remember The Time” and Janelle Monae killed “Let’s Go Crazy” in the name of Prince (Wait, Stevie Wonder actually saw Prince perform? I can’t.)? Absolutely. Umm..but..those were the only memorable moments (yea, and the Love Jones skit) along with the following mental sidenotes I made when trying to make sense of it all, when it was all said & done.

Sidenote #1: Alicia Keys should be: A) forced to rock a bold, italicized & underlined ‘A’ over her baby bump for stealing another woman’s husband-turnt-child support fund who she’s currently knocked up by and engaged to B) court ordered to swallow ear plugs every few days to protect her unborn baby C) warned by child protective services that she can’t do ‘hood rat stuff’ like cootchie-pop on a grand piano while she’s pregnant.

Sidenote #2: I’ll always love Deniece Williams (“Silly of Me”) even though she struggled mightily to hit A NOTE during her [MUTE]-worthy duet with Monica..the pretty stick figure. Nervous? Mmm, I guess, but I doubt there was ever any hope for those cobwebb-covered high notes that (obviously) packed their sh*t & left decades ago with Etta, Minnie & Whitney’s (respectively).

Sidenote #3: May God bless the sweet baby flamingos used to create Debbie May Lee’s (uber-fugly) exotical Awards gown apparatus.

Sidenote #4: I’m almost certain DEEE JAAAYYY Khaled gets fatter every time he says the word: “Win” and looked like he was hiding KFC Double Downs in his pastel colored letterman jacket. Khaled’s man boobettes > Ricky Walrus.

Sidenote #5: The Devil was definitely busy up, down and through every wicked clipper blade used to murk John Legend’s might-don’t-make-it hairline that looked like it had been shaped up by Muhammed Ali that looked like the scene of a cold-blooded hate crime. Missing patches/corners & edges of hairline..while accepting an Award..on National TV? Really?! O_O. Please…call 555-1818 if you have any information regarding the whereabouts of the upper-right corner of John Legend’s ethered hairline.

Finale: Chris Brown’s Redemption

I really don’t give a DAMN if Chris Brown’s ugly cry-face tears were real, fake or a mixture of both. Dude KILLED it, and forced his ex-fans to re-remember why they rocked with him two years ago when R&B rested on his shoulders. Mm, yea..maybe, he’s probably still an emotionally-disturbed little boy with the worst kind bitchAZZNEZZ coursing through his veins but he certainly moonwalked toward redemption with his incredibly-nostalgic, BET Awards-saving performance that may have both defined and saved his now stable career.

“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro. Follow Me: twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8.

Akoo Jeans Model Speaks About Billboard (ESSENCE.com)

March 11th, 2010 | By EMQ Network Contributor

Public backlash is one thing, but has there been personal backlash? (more…)