Last nite’s VMAs would’ve been the perfect combination of Ambien & Benadryl (kids, don’t try this at home) had I been struggling to win my nightly Chess game with Insomnia. But, sadly, I wasn’t, and subjected myself to MTV’s Hip-Pop-sewage-splashed Awards show with no conscience, memorable performances or timeless-‘remember when _____ did ________ with_______at the ’10 VMAs’-type moments.

So, rather than punishing you with 875 words of cliché-coated commentary (See: today’s tragically-uninspired VMAs re-caps), I decided to pose 12.5 good questions about the most mega-hyped, creatively-retarded Awards spectacle in MTV history (And yes, this year’s EBT BET Awards > VMAs. Quote me).

1. Who knew that ‘re-vitiligo’ was real, and that Will.I.Am (who looked like a fresh bottle of Jermaine Jackson’s Oriental jet-black hair dye spectacular) had been living with it all these years?

2. Was it really necessary for Mary J. Blige to add soul-stirring slave-libs to her “Fancy”-collab with Drake? (Sorry—but—they were a bit too ‘Underground Railroad-fancy’ for me).

3. What exactly does Nicki Minaj suffer from? Is she severely-Bipolar? Autistic? Schizophrenic? All three? None? A mixture of the three with a sprinkle of multiple personality disorder & deep tissue brain damage?! Let me know.

4. Why does Ke$ha always look like she reeks of used lambskin condoms, urine-dipped pork rinds & never-ending failure?

5. Why didn’t VMAs producers show Pusha T’s name & Hip-Hop resume during his performance so that white people wouldn’t think he was a random stranger-rapper Kanye-ing Kanye?

6. Who loses FIRST in a game of Operation: Drake, Michael J. Fox or Muhammed Ali?  (Let that marinate).

7. A love spawn between Antonio Banderas & Fantasia would speak just like _______? My Answer: Sofia Vergara.

8. Did Jordan Knight know that Justin Bieber was ‘borrowing’ his choreography from the “Give It To You” video?

9. Why did it feel like Chelsea Handler’s painfully-unfunny jokes were written by Carlos Mencia & Dane Cook…for Kathy Griffin?

10. Does this look like a man who wants to beat da puddy up, make it fart or buss it wide opin?

11. Where did Taylor Swift’s vocal coach go after she packed her shxt & ran off with *Ursher’s dance stamina, Mo’Nique’s inside voice & The-Dream’s neck?

12. Who gave Kanye Dynamite & his 1982 leisure suit worn by David Ruffin during the Temptation’s Valentine’s Day concerts permission to perform “Runaway” on Michael Jackson’s spaceship from the “Scream” video?

12.5 And why do I feel like he could drop an album called Moments of Silence with no lyrics, beats or song titles & his stans would still be blown away like they were after his forgettable VMAs performance?! Toast to the douchbags? Nah, I’m good.

Saying that this year’s BET Awards (sponsored by Let’s JAM-style control, Cluck-U Chicken, St. Ides malt liquor & Cash4Gold.com) weren’t as epically-fail-smeared as the previous 9 is like crowning Alicia Keys the classiest celebrity homewrecker of our HoSh!t-plagued generation, stamping Year No. 475 of Slavery the ‘Best Slave trade year EVER’ or celebrating Madea Goes To Jail as the least coonish movie of Kang Perry’s coonificent career.

I mean, let’s be real, BET is too damn established (and globally-recognized) to (still) be producing ‘Consolation Prize-worthy Award shows speckled with entertaining bits & pieces of utter hilarity, fcukery & nincompoopery without any substance, meaning or reason to be remembered 2 days, 3 weeks, 4 months or 5 years from now.

However, 68% of my Twitter (Twitter is Alicia Keys to my Swizz Beatz. FB = Mashonda. Sad, I know.) timeline actually praised this year’s bi-polar BETs (which, to me, were neither good nor turrrrrble) as a ‘shockingly good..enjoyable & even excellent show’ which, I guess, makes me a stone-cold ‘hater’ for the following ‘shade-cloaked’ (mini)recap of the ‘Greatest BET Awards of ALL-Timez.’ And no, Kanye won’t be pleased. Press [PLAY].

Now, I don’t hate BET, Queen Stutter-Lipz Debbie Lee or her ‘stepin fetchit’ side-kick Stephen Hill, but I refuse to gush over a 5 ½-hour Awards-a-thon with:

A) (An) Instantly forgettable opener (I luh you Queen..but..no) that put the ‘C’ in cliché.

B) Idiotic production value that reeked of polished last-minute-ness (too much damn smoke here, no nominees video there, uber-whack skits, illegible font on the teleprompter etc).

C) Pointless Awards (NO RiRi. NO Hov. NO Bey. NO GaGa. NO Bieber..and..umm.. Prince put his on the floor) that no one, but BET, seemed to care about.

D) Epic moments (Chris Brown’s incredible Mike Jack tribute) routinely ruined by WTF moments (random tone-deafded singer featured just moments after CB).

But, then again, maybe I’m wrong for focusing on Kanye’s tragically-uninspired comeback performance atop the Guts ‘Agro Crag,’ Drake’s EMO-Hip-POP&B spirit fingers/happy hands, ‘Classic’ Ursh Vs. ‘Has Been’ Ursh’s identity crisis, J. Cole’s ‘blink & you missed it’ performance (Thanks Debbie Lee. O_o), BET’s diabolical plot to make us love El DeBarge again, Em-T.I.-Dirty$-Khaled-B.O.B-Drake-A.Keys’-been there, done that, seen that-performances, Trey Songz being side-eyed by Prince & shamed by Patti and Alicia Keys’ adultery-stained uterine walls that ‘errrrbody  else,’ but me, and a few others, seemed to thoroughly enjoy.

Bleh, it’s cool, I’ll just sit in the corner—while ‘errrbody else’ puts lips to BET’s dimply booty cheeks—and reminisce about the MTV Music Awards’ (Mid-’90s) which, to me, are the rulers by which music-themed Awards shows ought to be measured, and will be, several years from now.

Were the Awards entertaining..at times? Yes. Did I go crazy when CB re-mixed “Remember The Time” and Janelle Monae killed “Let’s Go Crazy” in the name of Prince (Wait, Stevie Wonder actually saw Prince perform? I can’t.)? Absolutely. Umm..but..those were the only memorable moments (yea, and the Love Jones skit) along with the following mental sidenotes I made when trying to make sense of it all, when it was all said & done.

Sidenote #1: Alicia Keys should be: A) forced to rock a bold, italicized & underlined ‘A’ over her baby bump for stealing another woman’s husband-turnt-child support fund who she’s currently knocked up by and engaged to B) court ordered to swallow ear plugs every few days to protect her unborn baby C) warned by child protective services that she can’t do ‘hood rat stuff’ like cootchie-pop on a grand piano while she’s pregnant.

Sidenote #2: I’ll always love Deniece Williams (“Silly of Me”) even though she struggled mightily to hit A NOTE during her [MUTE]-worthy duet with Monica..the pretty stick figure. Nervous? Mmm, I guess, but I doubt there was ever any hope for those cobwebb-covered high notes that (obviously) packed their sh*t & left decades ago with Etta, Minnie & Whitney’s (respectively).

Sidenote #3: May God bless the sweet baby flamingos used to create Debbie May Lee’s (uber-fugly) exotical Awards gown apparatus.

Sidenote #4: I’m almost certain DEEE JAAAYYY Khaled gets fatter every time he says the word: “Win” and looked like he was hiding KFC Double Downs in his pastel colored letterman jacket. Khaled’s man boobettes > Ricky Walrus.

Sidenote #5: The Devil was definitely busy up, down and through every wicked clipper blade used to murk John Legend’s might-don’t-make-it hairline that looked like it had been shaped up by Muhammed Ali that looked like the scene of a cold-blooded hate crime. Missing patches/corners & edges of hairline..while accepting an Award..on National TV? Really?! O_O. Please…call 555-1818 if you have any information regarding the whereabouts of the upper-right corner of John Legend’s ethered hairline.

Finale: Chris Brown’s Redemption

I really don’t give a DAMN if Chris Brown’s ugly cry-face tears were real, fake or a mixture of both. Dude KILLED it, and forced his ex-fans to re-remember why they rocked with him two years ago when R&B rested on his shoulders. Mm, yea..maybe, he’s probably still an emotionally-disturbed little boy with the worst kind bitchAZZNEZZ coursing through his veins but he certainly moonwalked toward redemption with his incredibly-nostalgic, BET Awards-saving performance that may have both defined and saved his now stable career.

“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro. Follow Me: twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8.

Suffice it to say, the Akoo Clothing billboard in Newark, New Jersey, has ticked off more than a few people. After witnessing what has transpired over the past few days it might seem suitable to call this whole fiasco a gimmick. Keep in mind, however, that this is the fashion industry, and whether Black, White, tan or blue, what many may perceive as risque or over the top, fashion marketers simply see as good advertising. Forget the jeans, the girl, or the allegedly implied fellatio; Akoo was a virtually unheard of brand.

Without countless celebrity plugs from the likes of Clifford Harris (aka T.I.), pricey TV ads, or senseless promotions, Akoo accomplished in three days (thanks to media giants like CNN, ABC, and NBC) what some companies only hope to accomplish in a year.  Not only did the media frenzy generate awareness of the Akoo brand by creating a dialogue, Akoo pulled more than 300 posts on the net, and in the process expanded their advertising reach and possibly their demographic.

At the end of the day, what’s in “good taste” is always subjective, and everyone is entitled to their personal opinion. Including a 26-year-old, full-time communications major in her senior year at Olgethorpe University.  A southern gal straight from Hattiesburg, Dawn Montgomery also happens to be the model in Akoo’s controversial billboard. After all the fire and flames, blog commentary, and outrage, ESSENCE.com got the exclusive from Montgomery herself. We wanted to know why she thinks the ad may have been hard for people to swallow, and moreover, why she isn’t taking any of the scrutiny personally.

ESSENCE: Go back to the day of the shoot, what was Akoo’s concept?
MONTGOMERY: They wanted to do something that was sexy, urban, but could cross over into mainstream. Something that could easily be seen in Calvin Klein, Dolce and Gabbana, Diesel, or Abercrombie and Fitch.

ESSENCE: That being said, what direction were you given?
MONTGOMERY: They had a visual wall, and the shoot included me and two other young ladies, who were all told which scenes we would shoot. The scene they had prepared for me, (the billboard shot) was an image they were attempting to emulate from Calvin Klein. The photographer, along with Akoo, asked me how I felt and if I was comfortable in capturing that image. I felt that there was a better way to capture the image, knowing the urban circuit would take this totally left field, and insinuate more immediately. So I proposed instead to do my take on the image, and if they didn’t like it we could talk about doing something different.

ESSENCE: Obviously they did like your take on the original image, but describe the Calvin Klein image they attempted to emulate?
MONTGOMERY: It was a young lady who was on her knees–and, for the record, I was actually sitting on the floor, not on my knees–the model was facing his private area and pulling him towards her. Which is different than what you see on the billboard, although I still have my hands on his pants in a suggestive way, but my face is towards the camera, more laying on his leg. 

ESSENCE: Playing such a major role in the shoot, do you think the way feel people about the sexuality of the ad is justified?
MONTGOMERY: They are overreacting. What people fail to realize is if you do your research on this industry, fashion campaigns in mainstream America often feature both men and women naked. Fashion usually is the place to showcase raunchier imagery. However, when it comes to urban modeling, you rarely see a clothing line take you to that level. That’s what Akoo was trying to do.

ESSENCE: Public backlash is one thing, but has there been personal backlash?
MONTGOMERY: I had already called and reached out all my family about it beforehand.  My mother was caught off-guard when her co-workers told her about the image, after hearing the ad was on CNN. Of course, initially she wasn’t for it, but she, like the rest of my family, respects the decisions I have to make day-to-day as a model, and supports them. My whole family knows, including my four-year-old son, who has seen the image.

ESSENCE: Wait, so as a mother you wouldn’t feel upset driving down the street unable to control the imagery your child sees?
MONTGOMERY: I feel it’s my parental duty to explain certain images to my child. At his age, my son can’t necessarily comprehend the concept behind the image, but the first thing he said to me when he saw it is, ‘Mommy, you’re on that man’s leg, and you don’t know that man.’ That’s what came out of his mouth. As a model and a mother I put him first when I make my decisions. After I make my decisions, just like this shoot, I stand by it. When he gets older he may or not have to defend his mother, but he will be equipped.

ESSENCE: It’s easy to imagine what the ad alludes to. Do you feel like people have a valid argument about it being too suggestive?
MONTGOMERY: I don’t think it’s too suggestive, but I realize people do have a small argument. However, not big enough to be on CNN. I already was prepared for the all the blogs being an urban model, but CNN? For me, it was shocking to see something I was a part of get such an overwhelming response to where even the mayor of Newark is commenting. At the end of the day, the real argument is mainstream modeling vs. urban modeling.

ESSENCE: The real argument might be why he has his hand on the back of your head. How did that happen?
MONTGOMERY: That was the first thing my mother commented on, and I do think it is suggestive. The hand on the head took it to the edge, but when you look at models in Calvin Klein having threesomes, I had to say, ‘Mom this is the industry and I know how far I would take it. I was posing on his leg, he had a free hand and placed it where he didn’t have to cover my face.’ The big thing was to capture the moment.

ESSENCE: Miss Thing! Your shoulder wasn’t free?
MONTGOMERY: Yeah, he could have put his hand on my shoulder, but I was focused on the look I was giving the camera and what look I was giving to sell the jeans, I probably blocked out everything else going on around me.

ESSENCE: Back to mainstream vs. urban modeling. Do you feel race plays a part in this issue?
MONTGOMERY: I can’t deny it. I do see it, but I would hate to pull the race card.

ESSENCE: Would you do it again?
MONTGOMERY: I would. As a model you have to take that chance, and as my full-time job, I take it seriously, helping the client to market their product.

ESSENCE: In the end, was all this necessary to sell the jeans?
MONTGOMERY: Akoo’s marketing was genius. I’ve been approached by four or five guys who already purchased a pair.  Akoo wanted to take their campaign a different route and push some buttons, but not break down America. They accomplished want they wanted 200%–they have woken up urban America and let them know they are here.

Read more: http://www.essence.com/news/hot_topics_4/akoo_model_dawn_montgomery.php#ixzz0h8TSrYaU