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Browsing: Uncategorized
April 29th, 2010 | By Alejandro Ford
To thousands, she’s Nicki Minaj—the illest femme-cee ALIVE—but to anti-fadsters, like me, she’s merely just Hip-POP’s Queen of the ALL FAKE EVERYthings—with a sock puppetish ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ flow—who proved that her brain, too, was ‘Made In China’ when she 8-6’d (ex-manager) ‘Ms. Debra’ aka the streets-saluted tastemaker behind criminally-UNtalented Yo Gabba Gabbsters Gucci Peppa Wangz & Waka Flocka Waaaakaaa (son)—to hire infamous career wreckist Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as her official ‘manager.’
..So, with that said, I’ve dredged up FIVE good reasons why Nicki ButterBARS (She SEGGZY..but her ‘rap’ bars?! ..c’mon son) should re-consider hopping in bed with the globally-side-eyed mega-mogul and putting her p@#$y on his sideburns..when Cassie’s asleep who’s never gon’ stop ‘never stopping’ even if it’s, well, what Jesus (…or any other label head with *3 Gold/Platinum albums on their roster since ’04) would do. *POW..Take Dat..Take Dat*
5. Young Money > Dirty Money: Nicki’s About $1…WTF is 2 (Dirty) Cents?!
Nicki’s a freshly-minted dime-piece compared to Diddy’s dirt-crusted pennies & pocket lintettes Dawn & Estelle Kalenna who’d instantly gain 1 ¼ stars standing beside the game’s baddest ‘5-Star’ bish—who’s easily ‘Azz & Titties Barbie’ to their ‘Gawjus Garbage Pale Kid’ & ‘Trendy Treasure Troll’ (respectively)—during their Last Train To Paris promo tour.
As Diddy’s brand new Dirty Money promo play toy, Nicki would no longer be the ‘Sarah Palin of Hip-Hop’ once he siphons her blog-fueled buzz into his own musically-irrevelant career thus proving why she needs a dope management team like ‘Hip-Hop Since 1978’ (Drake, Weezy, Kanye & Jeezy) to capitalize on her ever-growing mainstream popularity.
4. Diddy’s ‘Nicki Management Plan’ = Jay-Z’s ‘Amil Management Plan’
I’m certainly not Dionne Warwick..err, or Miss Cleo, but I’d bet my best Young Money pajamas (…with the footies) that ‘Diddy-managed Nicki’ adds the following ‘power moves’ to her Wiki-page by Month #6:
A) Features on Kiely Williams’ debut & Bran’Nu’s (Brandy) rap debut Bran’Nufrodisiac
B) Small roles in Tyler Perry’s Why Am I STILL Married? & Why Did I Get A Divorce?
C) Endorsement deals from Citi Trendz, Hasbro Kid Sister dolls, Cap’n D’s & Myspace.
D) Severing of ties with ghostwriters Drake & Weezy, and the Young Money crew.
3. Kima, Keisha, Pam…and Nicki?! ..Wait, wha?! ..World: ‘HELL+NO to Total 2.0’
Nicki may not realize this…yet, but she’s already agreed to headline Total 2.0 as the fourth lesbian member of the hood-beloved trio (Pg. 362 of 400, ‘Diddy Management Agreement’) that Diddy plans to re-launch after his Notorious R.I.C.K.Y. W.A.L.R.U.S. project with the next greatest Biggie re-boot not named Guerilla Black..err, or Shyne.
Honestly, I’d rather watch (girl group) Dream play Danity Kane in a celebrity basketball game than Day26 + lacefronts & lip gloss aka Kima, Keisha & Pam ‘shock the world’ with rap’s bargain-bin ’Lil Kim doll who makes them a smidge too relevant for their own VH1 reality show. Sorry..but, Nicki headlining Total 2.0 makes just as much sense as Keri Hilson linking with Adina Howard to re-boot Changing Faces.
2. Barbie Girl In Diddy’s Reality GAME WORLD
Diddy definitely had a fetish for playing childish mind games with fame-thirsty nobodies who did EVERYthing BUT wipe his turd-smeared azz (PAUSE.) with baby wipes during Making The Band (1-?), Making His Band & I Want To Work For Diddy (1-2) which put future ex-Bad Boy staffers on—well, kinda—unlike Nicki, who ‘joined’ the Bad Boy ‘empire’ after selling Diddy her Mattel-stamped soul.
However, you’re nothing in Diddy’s shade-cloaked eyes until you play his ego-punishing games which, in Nicki’s case, is one potentially career-ending challenge destined to either make her a management ‘priority’ or a forgotten commodity, like Janelle Monae:
1) Ether ‘Babs’ (Making The Band 1), ‘Mysterious’ (Making The Band 2) & special contender ‘Keys the Problem’ (World-Famous Nicki Minaj DISS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcAm2Pm15HU&feature=related.) during an MTV-aired freestyle battle for the femme-cee spot on Diddy’s Junior M.A.F.I.A. re-boot (Notorious W.A.L.R.U.S, Diggy Simmons, Jim Jones & Blinky Blink). I’ll call this Making the Band..err, 11.
[But, then again, you & me both know that George W. Bush has a better chance being elected Mayor of New Orleans than Nicki does winning a rap battle against any decent femme-cee other than maybe Sylk-E. Fine, Lumidee or Khia. *Solé shrug*]
1. The Inevitable Biggie/Nicki Minaj Collab= THE END of Hip-Hop.
The day Nicki name-drops Santa’s reindeer (..again), seven dwarfs, ten Care Bears or any other popular collection of make-believe creatures while trading bars with Biggie is the day I’ll beg GAWD to press backspace on humanity. I’m sorry…but I’d rather hear an Aaliyah/Fergie duet or Guru/Soulja Boy collab, than Biggie & ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ rock over endless Diddy ad-libs. *Jim Carrey shrug*
“Bad Boy…we ain’t gon’ stop..I couldn’t stop now if I wanted to. I will never stop” — Diddy.
November 27th, 2009 | By Alejandro Ford
‘They’ say Hip-Hop’s DEAD — err, deceased, toe-tagged, pine-boxed, you know, in a ‘better, less depressing place’ — and was tucked inside Big & Pac’s tailored burial suits after somehow being ‘murdered’ in cold blood by: A) Greed-stricken record execs with insatiable ring-tone fetishes B) The F#!@$@$%# FOUR = Algernod, DeAndre, Radrick & Otis C) Pay-Per-Play Radio programmers D) Colonel Mustard with a candlestick inside the Billiard Room…(BING!) (wait, or was it Professor Plum..in the…?!) Bleh, who knows…better yet, who even knew that the POP-diseased genre had officially flat-lined?! …I’d say no one who truly loves music, lives it, or does it because TRUE music heads — all 1,723 of us on Earf — know that Hip-Hop/Soul — REAL Hip-Hop/Soul — AIN’T really DEAD. (more…)
October 5th, 2009 | By Alejandro Ford
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October 4th, 2009 | By EMQ Network Contributor
By KeJuana Stanley — Black College Wire
Whitney Houston is no longer shouting out her love for the infamous Bobby Brown in courtrooms; instead, she’s blowing out lyrical melodies on her much-anticipated album, “I Look to You.”
Do not call it a comeback because she’s been here for years. Since her last album six years ago, Houston’s personal tragedies have flooded  headlines and now she’s reclaiming her throne as an untouched talented songstress. ImageThe album, which is half good, half forgettable, but never lame, hit stores yesterday. All 11 tracks are streaming live on whitneyhouston.com. Although the singer looks tired on the album’s cover, she sings of tackling her demons with a refreshing clarity.
Her highs aren’t quite as high anymore and that famous throaty low is now an awkward drag queen husky.
On the first single, “Million Dollar Bill,” produced by Swizz Beatz, Houston lets it all hang out without overbearing digital trickery. It is a surprising moment that reminds the listener that in spite all of her tabloid trappings; she’s still a fabulous singer with stellar control and phrasing.
The up-tempo, joyful track about love is arguably one of the most energetic songs Houston has ever done. “Million Dollar Bill” has an amazing bass line and almost recalls the late Michael Jackson in “Off The Wall” with catchy hook, “you make me feel like a million dollar bill.” Her vocals are strong and it doesn’t appear as if she’s trying to compete with teenagers.
Although the album’s second half loses its catch, there are nice singles to be discovered. Stargate, the Norwegian producers that made Beyonce’s, “Irreplaceable” a smash, produced the mid-tempo, “Call You Tonight.” This track is fun and mature and a song everyone can relate to.
Heavily produced, it was sometimes difficult to adjust to hearing a pure vocalist like Houston sing on top of such a heavily produced track. “Call You Tonight” is reminiscent of one of the better tracks from 2002’s, “Just Whitney.”
In the R. Kelly produced, “Salute,” Houston is saying goodbye to a former lover who has done her wrong, and she’s letting go with no anger. She confidently and bolds serenades, “I salute you” in this strictly R&B track. Could Houston be referring to the troublesome Bobby Brown? Who’s to say?
Houston delivers meaningful lyrics and worked with the best in the music industry to produce a fresh album that will make her a positive household name.
Houston tried a few comeback albums during her troubled times, but there was always a level of insincerity and false confidence to each. Something was wrong, and fans knew it. This album is far more humble and confident.
Compared to all of the modern-day studio singers that need to be digitally enhanced to sell a record, it is nice to have a “real” singer re-surface.
Comment on this article
KeJuana Stanley writes for The Famuan, the Florida A&M University student newspaper, which originally published this article.
July 16th, 2009 | By Alejandro Ford
Commentator, Alejandro Ford, sets the record straight about the legacy of Michael Jackson.
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July 1st, 2009 | By Aaron P. Taylor
I hate going to funerals.
The last person close to me that died was my Granddad on my Mom’s side. I was living with my uncle in Pennsylvania at the time, and we drove aaaaall the way down to Alabama for the funeral (which was a LONG over-night drive). We got there early the next morning and went straight to the church, where the rest of our family was waiting.
Once inside the church, we all got a chance to walk up to my Granddad’s casket. I got to look at him one last time, and… well, I don’t really cry at these things anymore, but I looked at him and automatically thought to myself:
“Wow – they did a LOUSY job embalming him!”
Later on during the funeral, as people went up and started talking about my Granddad, I became more and more angry with how the service was going. Every time somebody would say something, I would analyze it, pick it apart, and find fault with what they were saying.
“Hey, they didn’t mention this thing about him!”
“Wait a minute – why are they only talking about his LAST job as a Wal-mart greeter?? Where is the personal stuff??”
Even the choir that sang at the thing was pissing me off – “Why did they pick THAT song?? Why is it so darn off-key??” The happiest part for me was when the funeral part was finally over, and we were allowed to eat in the church’s cafeteria.
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In looking back on it now, there wasn’t anything particularly wrong with my Granddad’s funeral per se. Sure, there were things here and there that I wished would have happened, but ultimately, most people probably have similar feelings at funerals. Why?
BECAUSE WHEN YOU’VE KNOWN SOMEONE FOR THE MAJORITY OF YOUR LIFE, IT’S HARD TO SEE SOMEONE ELSE TAKE THAT PERSON AND TRY TO CELEBRATE THEIR LIFE WITHOUT HAVING SOME KIND OF OPINION ABOUT IT.
In looking at the B.E.T. awards yesterday, I actually ENJOYED the program. At the same time, though, I know there are many others that thought B.E.T. either (a) didn’t do enough to remember MJ, (b) didn’t remember him in the right way, or (c) felt it was too much of a rush job and not classy enough.
I understand where these feelings come from. The ENTIRE WORLD from the 1960s ’til now grew up on Michael Jackson. He was in the ENTIRE WORLD’S lives for 45 years. That’s BILLIONS of people.
What does that mean? It means that BILLIONS of people are going to have various opinions about how his life should be celebrated.
For the opinions of the (comparatively smaller) MILLIONS of people who watched the award show on Sunday, you have to take into account the fact that, when an event like this happens where many feeling of sadness abound, ANYTHING DONE WRONG AT THE SHOW COULD MAKE THEM AUTOMATICALLY HATE HOW THEY CHOSE TO HONOR HIM.
For example: you might have watched the show and loved every bit of it until near the end, when Lil’ Wayne and Drake got up on stage and dedicated “F–k Every Girl” to the Gloved one. That one act of so-called “disrespect” could automatically make you think they did a snow job on MJ’s memory, even if you liked the rest of the show up to that point. (more…)
July 1st, 2009 | By Alejandro Ford
So here we are AGAIN, pretending to be mentally-vexed, uber-perplexed and negatively-hexed after indulging in the seemingly never-ending Shuck-N-Jive Jubilee (…with a slight Mike Jack twist) that was last night’s wretchedly produced, directed and executed ’09 BET Awards…
Err, and YES, it was Soul Plane Part Deux-whack and yet another epic fail & ¾ by Queen Coon Koopa aka Der’tie Debbie May Lee, Stevie ‘My’s Tap Shooes Shiny Suh’ Hill and the rest of the niggerish Coon-Bots at BET who eagerly presented the sambolicious Awards spectacle on the one night when the entire galaxy tuned in to watch the first live action tribute to the legendary Michael Jackson — the greatest entertainer of our time — who tragically passed away earlier this week …
 I did it since B.E.T. wouldn't.... But then again, I’m just a cold-blooded BET boycottist who refuses to side with bias bloggers, first-time blog writers and bitchASS BET loyalists/apologists who gave BET a *golden pass* due to the network’s lack of ‘time’ to somehow stitch together a basic video tribute, rousing dance number with Omarion/Breezy/Ursh and heartfelt ballad medly by Jaz Sullivan/Jennifer Hudson or Mariah Carey …I mean DAYUM, how difficult would this have been and why the F@#$ are random niglets creating excuses, rationalizations and lengthy explanations on behalf of BET?!? … Face it, this was our opportunity as African-Americans to pay tribute to q uite possibly the greatest entertainer EVER and we blew it!
And with that said, I now present you with the OFFICIAL Post-BET Awards ’09 Mini-Blog without any additives, preservatives or any of that other store-bought shyt … Just raw & uncut Alejandro… let’s get to it.
Jeremih & A Two-Pack of Slut Sacks
Either this Trey Songz reboot’s mother used to read a Bible with missing letters or his label advised him to drop the ‘A’ for a cutting-age take on the popular Biblical name… Either way, I refuse to utter this retarded azz name in public and have no idea how this dude secured a record deal. Yea, dude has a decent voice, but he’s too much of what’s wrong with R&B today which is why his two super-slutty skeet receptacles aka dancers stole ‘his’ show by splattering their fallopian tube and uteral juices all over the dance floor while contorting their wobbly azz cheeks to the ‘Birthday Sex’ beat … Uh, and the Award show hadn’t even officially started yet …
Faaaaat Mikeeeeee In A Litttttle Vesssssst
I hate to label the most tolerable member of Day26 as ‘obese’ ‘chunky’ or claim that the group’s stylist places special ‘husky’ orders just for him, but Big Mike barely fit into his slowly dying vest during the Awards and seemed to have gained every pre-MTB pound back that he was forced to lose just to make the band … In fact, he was one cholesterolic enzyme away from launching his ill-fitted vest toward the head of an unsuspecting seat-filler in the crowd … Dayum, and his skinny jeans fit like Pee Wee Herman pants … seriously Diddy, it’s time to step in … (more…)
June 16th, 2009 | By Alejandro Ford
I used to believe Hip-Hop was the love of my life before I caught her creepin’ with a Ring-tone-deafened Anti-Genre seething with sacklets of venereal VOCO-puss and S(wag)TDs. At that moment, my once warm blooded cardio beat box shriveled into a splinter infested heart shaped holding cell forcing my love for beats, rhymes and life to fade to into an unsightly shade of black.
There didn’t seem to be any hope for my severely fractured relationship with Hip-Hop, who after inspiring so many people, developed a deadly obsession with college credited mini-goons, delusional rappers turned tone-less vocalists and major artists who routinely fed the public overhyped drivel stamped as freshly baked greatness.
Damn this Hip-Hop! She was so amazing, yet so unbelievably slutty, unfocused and two faced. Even when I attempted to replace her with Pop, Reggae or Rock, I realized nothing could ever give me butterflies like she did.
So I vowed to save her from her doom — even if she didn’t want to be saved — by reuniting with Doc Brown and Marty McFly to travel back through time in the DeLorean and save Hip-Hop from the diabolical clutches of the Anti-Genre aka Urban Music.
After finalizing our master plan, Doc set the date to Sept. 7, 1996 and location to Vegas where we helped Pac slip away from his assailants after the Tyson/Sheldon fight before landing in L.A. on March 9, 1997 — after the infamous VIBE party — and saving Biggie from being swiss-cheesed in his vehicle. (more…)
June 14th, 2009 | By Alejandro Ford
Diary of an Angry Hip-Hop Junkie
In yet another blatant display of editorial bitchASSness by a popular urban lifestyle publication, the now-defunct flesh-rag known as King magazine recently unveiled its highly-anticipated ‘Unpopular Rap Facts’ in its final cootch-juiced issue before joining Radar, Blender, Scratch, Vibe Vixen and nearly 600 other recession-rocked mags on the midnight train the Foldsville.
While examining these blasphemous revelations — which should’ve been called ‘8 gun shots to Hip-Hop’s dome’ — my eyes smoldered with crimson fury like ‘Lance’ in ‘The Best Man’ until the following ‘rap fact’ repudiaHATEsions spilled from my beautifully diseased thoughts into this blog for your reading enjoyment. Let’s get to it.
8. Ice Cube Had The Greatest Five-Year Run In Hip-Hop.
King: “From 1988 to 1992, he made N.W.A the world’s most dangerous group with “F*ck The Police,” and then slaughtered them on “No Vaseline.” He recorded “Jackin’ For Beats,” a template for the upcoming mixtape era, as well as radio hits like “It Was a Good Day.” He foresaw the L.A. riots on Death Certificate and then described their aftermath on The Predator.”
Alejandro: This debatable doozie clearly crip-walked into the mag-staff’s blunted brainage during a purp-induced viewing of Are We There Yet? …Err, so ‘Jheri curl Cube’ and not Hov, Em or DMX had the GREATEST five-year run in the HISTORY of Hip-Hop?!? …Uhh YES, according to these Almighty Hip-Hop Know-It-Alls who cited Em’s lack of classic material and Hov’s ‘dog’ albums (In My Lifetime, Vol. 1 & The Blueprint 2) as ‘valid reasons’ why the greats were 8-6’ed from the ‘best five-year run’ sweepstakes.
However, there are many rap purists who agree with this distinction even if Cube ditched his Raiders fitted and F@#$-whitey mentality years before re-emerging as the lovable ‘family-friendly Cube,’ which is why I’m siding with DMX’s ’97-’02 campaign where he barked legendary bars on Mase’s “24 Hours To Live,” The LOX’s “Money, Power & Respect,” and LL’s “4,3,2,1,” before dropping two multi-platinum classics (It’s Dark… and Flesh of My Flesh…) and possibly the illest Hip-Hop themed soundtrack/crew compilation ever (Belly and Ryde or Die, Vol. 1). Dark Man X also starred in four feature films during this run highlighted by the cult classic Belly and certified guilty pleasure Romeo Must Die.
7. Famous Common Is Less Than Common Sense. (more…)
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