Trey Songz is a busy man. At 26, he just began the nationwide BP3 Tour 2010 opening for Jay-Z, his third album “Ready” was just certified Goldexceeding sales of 500,000, and he just participated in the remake of the classic “We Are The World” benefiting Haitian earthquake relief. During a break on his touring schedule in Dallas, Songz chatted with ESSENCE.com about the messages in his music, what it’s like to work with superstars like Jay, Stevie Wonder and Barbra Streisand, and why he’s excited about performing at the ESSENCE Music Festival.
ESSENCE.com: Congratulations on going Gold, how do you feel about that?
SONGZ: I am proud. It’s an achievement to say the least. It’s my third album and it’s the first one to go Gold. But I don’t want to be stuck in that moment, I want to make sure that I strive to do whatever is next. I am excited that the album is doing very well, you know, but I’m chasing Platinum now.

ESSENCE.com: I hear that for sure, so talk to me about your music. It really resonates in the clubs and particularly with the ladies.
SONGZ: Musically, I want to make good music that people can feel. Music sets a tone like a soundtrack for your life. And, with the music I make, I know that I am making you laugh, making you feel sexy, making you wanna dance, make you wanna make love, whatever it is. I am trying to make good music that people can feel and people can relate to. The ladies just happen to relate to it a little more, and I appreciate that.

ESSENCE.com: At the BET Honors you got to perform with Stevie Wonder and sing “That Girl.” What was it like for you to perform with Stevie?
SONGZ: That was like a highlight of my career right there. That’s Stevie Wonder, he is beyond a legend in my eyes. He is iconic, he was playing drums for Motown 50 years ago, before he got any credit. I know a lot about Stevie, I studied his music. Being able to do that means that I am at a certain place in my career where I can stand next to those people and have conversations with them and be respected by them. As a man, that’s a beautiful feeling. As an artist, it’s even more fulfilling.

ESSENCE.com: What were you guys joking about onstage?
SONGZ: I said, “Stevie, I got this song, I wanted to know if you wanted to play around with it while we’re on stage.” And, I started singing the melody and he was like, “I know that song, ‘I Invented Sex.’ He was like, I invented sexy, I got seven kids, I’m trying to start a basketball team.” So we were just joking around about that on stage. I had the time of my life up there.

ESSENCE.com: Being on tour with Jay, what’s that like?
SONGZ: Jay-Z is one of the biggest touring acts in the world, he sells out arenas in minutes and to be a part of that is amazing. Furthermore, Jay-Z is one of the most influential artists in my career as well as in my life. You know, seeing him go from artist to entrepreneur to businessman to multi-business owner, and to be that close to him is amazing. It’s a pleasure. I go on right before Jay-Z, and Jeezy comes in within his set. So it’s an honor that he would want me in that spot, so I am happy to be a part of it. And, I am here to step up to the plate and bring the best show I can to the table.

ESSENCE.com: You were involved in “We Are The World.” What was it like for you to be a part of that remake and to be in the room with all those artists at one time?
SONGZ: Once again, it’s very fulfilling as an artist, you know, as someone who saw this as a dream only a few years ago.  “We Are The World” was one of the biggest songs in the world. And, although I didn’t get a solo, it was really not about that. It was about playing that song, knowing that song, and knowing that I was a part of it. I was two rows back from Barbra Streisand, with Natalie Cole standing next to me. You know, in the same room with Lil’ Wayne and Snoop Dogg. I think what’s most beautiful about that was that it was different cultures together and everybody gathered for the same purpose. Egos were left at the door. It just shows, again, that I am at a certain point in my career, and the respect level is going up. I am very humble and happy to be a part of all the things that I am a part of.

ESSENCE.com: You are performing at the ESSENCE Music Festival this year. It’s your first time. Have you heard about it?
SONGZ: Of course, it’s an excellent celebration and I’ve seen the press releases on it, I have friends who’ve been involved in it and I know how big it is for Black culture, so to be a part of it is definitely a treat.

Read more: http://www.essence.com/entertainment/music/essence_music_festival_talent_announceme_4.php#ixzz0gTlRM2IG

The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards could’ve should’ve been EPIC… err, or THEE MOST EPIC Award show that we’ve EVER seen… this decade — all 31.7 days of it —  BUT, it wasn’t…and somehow EPICALLY FAILed…miserably…during an O__o-worthy series of terribly anti-climactic, (NAATS)-wrecked events — dipped in Beycepticon lacefont gelly with a splash of aerial amniotic fluid (….courtesy of Pink’s leaky vajayjay-mus’cles) — on a nite where the oompa loompa-minded Recording Academy managed to get NOTHING right & EVERYthing DEAD. WRONG …

*(NationalAssocationfortheAdvancementofTaylorSwift)

…And with that said, I’m bout to GO IN …

Teddy Pain TIGHTY WHITE-Pants, 1865 ‘We’s At War’ Foxx & ‘Special’ Guest

Last nite, I made the following statement after Jamie Foxx’s ‘sister’ — who ‘supposedly’ has ‘Down’s syndrome’ — strutted onto the stage and broke into a Beyonce hip-swirl matrix back-bend 8-count maneuver…ALL in one swift, fluid motion:

“PREEEEEEECIOUS’ …Getcho AZZ BACK in this DAMN ‘PARTTTTMENNNT’ …WHATCHU doin on DAT Grammy STAAAAGE?!” …

Most people laughed while a few self-righteous soap-boxers criticized my obviously ‘ANTI-Special Needs divas dancing on Awards Stages’ comments (Uh, OKKK) even though MOST of us thought she was either Mia X, ‘Gabby’ from Precious or some random backstage bopper thirsty for her OWN infamous Lil’ Mama ‘moment’…

Bwaa…BLACK PEOPLE KILL ME with this ‘WE can laugh at some… but NOT at others INsanity’ …People. She was ON-STAGE. Dancing…in rhythm. On National Televison. With her OWN entrance music/special spot on the stage. I HIGHLY doubt that she’s a sympathetic ‘special needs’ case in need of specialized medical attention.

Believe me, I’ve seen Down’s patients and she didn’t ‘move’ like someone who was mentally/physically crippled…at all. If anything, she’s the most physically gifted ‘special needs’ case I’ve EVER seen…in LIFE…if that’s the box you so choose to drop her in …

Either way, she KILLED it…along with Jamie (…and his Southern U. Drum Major uniform/Civil War-themed Glory costume) and Teddy Pain TIGHTY WHITE-Pants who struggled to move in his coke white suit pants that would’ve fit perfectly 15 years ago…when he was 9 years old ….

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

*The-Dream killded ’em (O__O) with Pepto-Bismol errrrthang and a splash of Presidential Jet-Black thus proving that only REAL cabbage patch doll-faced men rock pink formal suit jackets…in public… 4 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 5

Rockin’ with MC Fergy McFerg-Breaf & MC Nicks McPlastic-Cootch

I don’t know what’s more wrist-slash worthy: A Fergie 16/ vocal run sans Peas or a full-length Nicki Minaj track sans Weezy & Drake…Yea, it’s TRUE: Ferg-breaf & Plastic-cootch drip with undeniable sex-appeal… BUT they’re also two of the whackest FEMME-Cs to ever smear MAC lip gloss on the mic… Honestly, I’d rather hear Ferg-breaf double-dutch with the beat like she did during the Grammy’s than Plastic-cootch regurgitate Weezy/Drake’s throwaway lyrics… Sorry Nicki, but you, to me, will ALWAYS sound like a cutesy-voiced ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ when you spit… ‘LEH’ME-SHO’-U-SUHPTUNN’ … ‘LOOK AHT DHA ROOHF…SEE!… ASBESTOS! … smh … FCUK OUTTA HERE! …

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

Lady GaGa SHUT DOWN the red carpet with an intergalactic Jellyfish-inspired cocktail dress covered with quirkily bedazzled fallopian tubelettes … 5 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 5 …

A Brief Note TO MZ. Keri F. BAYBEEEEE…

…Now I know you’re still pouting/lame-tweeting about being snubbed, yet again, for a ‘prestigious’ music-related Award, so I penned this note to cheer you up on this gloomy Monday afternoon. Enjoy:

REAL artists/musicians/composers are the only people who win REAL/somewhat important AWARDS which is why you’ve yet to win anything worth celebrating other than a few BETs/AMAs better known as ‘the dusty shiny sh*ts in your garage’ that only your thirstiest of stans care about… Face it, your vocal cords HATE you…and will NEV-ER function the way you desperately want them to no matter how tight you scrunch your bootee cheeks together when you ‘sing’ …In my eyes, your golden pen will ALWAYS outshine your disrespectful azz vocal cords…BUT, I still LOVE you nonetheless — even though you refuse to put the mic down and take five steps back — and will continue to download your music support your steadily-growing POP&B movement… Keep your head up BOO…GAWD definitely loves YOU…

Love,

-Me

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

George Clinton rocked a deluxe Beauty Supply bag worth of Beyonce’s leftover lacefront pieces dyed with melted crayon sauce/acrylic paint chips… 2 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 4 …

Skankzoid Ciara: When Fresh Goodies Go Stale

…smh… POE’ baaaaawwwy…DAMN…what happened to you and your once promising career as a vocally UN-talented Aaliyah-reboot with tip-worthy cootch-twerking abilities?! …Seriously, EVERYone wanted your now extra-stale goodies before you fed them to Bow Wow you stuffed uber-whack albums inside KFC chicken buckets… FOR FREE… and rocked sluttish see-through negligee pajama sheer pantlettes fugly bust-it-baby seductional side-piece onesies…for pro ballers, Wacka Flocka & Plies ONLY during MAJOR Awards shows like the Grammys… PLEASE CieCie…rebuke this inner-skanzoid, STOP clapping your bootee cheeks to the beat for your underaged fans…in concert and work your way back to the TOP of the POP&B game…instead of festering inside its crust-slicked arse crack…

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

Gen. Larry Platt is officially the wealthiest/brokest homeless dude/War Vet/EX-Civil Rights Activist on the block/your TV screen who gloriously ascended into utter COONdom after brandishing a multi-colored assortment of swap meet-variety belts during the Grammy Pre-Show without realizing that the joke was actually on him…and will remain that way until he and his played-out ANTI-saggy pants anthem gooo thaaaat a’wayyyyyy …

(Wha?) ’Clef: Wait, So THIS Is The Man We’re Trusting Our Relief Money With?!

Wyclef. You’re NOW a globally-adored HERO who everyone respects and admires for your philanthropic efforts in Haiti despite your Yele Org’s supposed ‘funny math’ practices. The world listens whenever you speak/offer suggestions as to how we can provide aid to your beloved country… BUT damn, what in THEE HELL were you rambling about last nite during the Grammys?!

…Seriously ’Clef, was it the ‘cheeba cheeba (yall)?!’ …nerves? ..a combo of both?! …NONE?! …or the absence of a coherent, pre-written statement via notebook paper that made you look so woefully unprepared?! …O___O … “And I wanna shout out my wife, she’s Haitian too…” O__o … Er, Wha?! …Uhh.. but, that had NOTHING to do with the message that you COULD HAVE given but ultimately failed to deliver without the threat of the swift-fingered Grammy orchestra musically ushering you off-stage… Damn ’Clef, trust me, we’re ALL on Team: Haiti but that, sir, was simply unacceptable …

Fashion *FIST PUMP* (Interlude)

Melanie Fiona rocked her bestest, most grandest evening gown like she was attending President Obama’s FIRST President’s Day Black Tie $500/plate Formal Gala inside the Presidential Ballroom of the White House … 5 *FIST PUMPS* Outta 5 …

Taylor Swift: The Luckiest Artist  in POP Culture History…other than Rihanna

Well kids, ‘wronged’ white people ALWAYS WIN… especially when they’re ‘wronged’ by those who look just. Like. ‘US.’ … *Kanye Shrug* …Yea, OK…Taylor had a hit (“Fairytale”) before ‘Kanye The Black-hearted Negro’s’cold-blooded mic-snatch seen’t ’round the world BUT she wasn’t one of Barbara Walters’ ‘most fascinating people’ or even a ONE-time Grammy winner until she was Kanye’d on National TV with all eyes on her, ’Ye and the infamously ‘disputed’ VMA Award… Please. DEAD this ‘she earned it’/it’s Country music’s time BULL shiiiiiiet and accept that her success was nothing more than a media manufactured ‘reparational career boost’ designed to right a globally-frowned upon wrong…Should Taylor have thanked Kanye for her instant superstardom during the Grammys?! …Probably not, but she definitely should’ve (privately) thanked the exiled Hip-POP star for the ‘opportunity’ to be something she’s clearly NOT as evidenced by her tone-deafded, flat-noted ‘coming-out’ performance during the Grammys… o__O … * Kanye Shrug* …

*Coming SUMMER 2014: Taylor Swift’s ‘Fantasy Rise to Superstardom’ bio-flick BLIND-SIDED starring Flex Alexander as ‘Kanye’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson’ as ‘Taylor’ …

BEHOLD the MIGHTY BEYONCE BEYBOTNIK: QUEEN of POP&B

Beyonce Beybotnik… You know I LOVE you  … right?! … No, seriously, I truly dig your Earf-stopping vocals, gorgeous hammer toes high-end lacefronts (…made from 3,000 finely-plucked Fabio hairs), overall lack of humanistic qualities/rational emotions and unique ability to pay tribute to other artists by covering their hits during MAJOR Awards shows without ever inviting them to cover their own songs with you …

…But, then again, that’s why you rock thee, uhhhh, errrr…thee, uhh, urban contemporary Techo-POP&B crown?! and strutted onto the Grammy stage with the same leather-clad-Cobra Commander collective that tried to murk Michael Jackson in Moonwalker like you were about to perform “Video Phone” with the intensity of 10 make-believe Sasha Fierces before stunning us all with the whackest, most frenetically unfocused performance of your career an edgy POWER-BALLAD (“If I Were A Boy (Rock Mix”)/Alanis tribute…with NO Alanis that was easily the fifth or sixth most talked about performance of the nite!

…It’s cool though Bey, I’m sure you were exhausted from winning every Pre-Grammy Awards Grammy earlier and deserve a call from Etta James to congratulate you on winning a Grammy for your flawless performance of the classic (“At Last”) song that you made famous in your own mind she’s famous for making famous… It’s only right… despite her understandable unrelenting bitterness toward your invitation to the White House by the Obamas to perform her classic during the Inauguration festivites…

…Nonetheless, you BEYTIZED a classic and made your stans swoon when you finally admitted to having a living, breathing ‘husband’ …whom you love… Whether you were talking to or about your trifling azz bodyguard you’ve been creepin’ with Jay-Z, we’ll never know mainly because you never say said love, Jay-Z and husband in the same sentence nor do did you thank your new God who was sitting right next to you during the Awards during your acceptance speeches… BUT I’m certain GAWD knows your heart which is why I salute you — Beyonce Knowles — as one of the greatest most blatantly unoriginal, criminally contrived singers of our POP-diseased, Beycepticon-invaded generation. *Four fingers to the forehead* … Thank you. Goodnite.

Bey: “Youuu’s came into my’s house...and slept with my husband … yooou’s touched my’s sista's only chile … you’s think you’s cra’see … I’mma shows you CRA’SEE!”

'...Where didja come from...where didja gooooooooooooooooooo...where did you come from Cotton Eye Jooooooooooooooe ...'

... Mid-air ovulation > Your LIFE ...

GaGa is a SUPASTAR ... Her opening performance was definitely the dopest of the nite ...

This has been another Alejandro presentation.

M.I.A. ... WE LOVE you ...

The year 2000+9 was THEE absolute WORSTEST… most tragedy-tattered, HATE-smathered, scandal-splattered ‘YEAR’ EV-ER — err, maybe even ALL-TIME (Fall back Kanye, I got this) or since 1983, when I hit Carolyn Ford’s womb with the two finger salute — and will always be remembered as a reset-worthy collection of QUITtable+DE-friendable+UN-followable day ‘N’ nites where nehgadivahty (Chris Brown’s word…not mine) obsessively p-p-poked positivity, optimism & hope in their misery-smeared faces during twelve of the most F@#$%y-riddled months that we’ll probably ever live through during our lifetime …

In ’09, Mike Jack moonwalked through the Pearly Gates, ‘New-New’ dropped Weezy’s 15^th baby, ‘Chile Suhpote’ was two one word, Madea went to jail with Plax..Gucci..Boosie & T.I.P., Obama..Falcon & Favre flew above da haters, chubby ‘Treasure Trolls’ = ‘Barbies,’ the Empire State struck back, Drake was the new El DeBarge, obese ‘sistas’ were ‘Precious,’ Auto-Tune died…and rose on the third day, RiRi was the top-flight yodelist of the world…Craig, ‘Kanye’ & ‘Chris Brown’ were nouns verbs, ‘swag’ came with an ON/OFF switch, Trey Songz won the Nobel Prize for ‘inventing sex,’ star athletes spent more time behind bars than between the lines, Swine-Flu replaced the common cold, GaGa jacked Bey for her gay fanbase and Blacks were RE-imagined as electric blue savages in Avatar..illiterate Coonbots in Transformers II..slum-ravaged Aliens in District 9 …

…Yea, ’09 definitely put the C in coonery, D in debauch’ry, F in F@%#%y & B in b*tchAZZness, but it also proved to be one of the most Award-worthy years of our whacked-out, critically-UNacclaimed generation… So with that said, I now present to you the 2^nd Annual ‘ALEJANDRO AWARDS!’ ….Enjoy!

Hip-Hop Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Raekwon OB4CLPt.II Jay-Z Blueprint 3

“Men Lie. Women Lie. Numbers Don’t.” — Hov … Blueprint 3 = 1,337,000 sold.

Everyone had an opinion about Blueprint 3. Team: Hov LOVED it. Team: Pre-Black Album-Hov HATED it. Team: Oprah copped it because, uh, Oprah said so… and ESPN’s production team featured track 2..11..uh…5..& 9 on their montages through September. NO, this wasn’t Hov’s opus — in fact, it’s too imperfect to touch the living legend’s Top-5 BUT it was ’09s definitive Hip-Hop record that boasted the illest marketing campaign ever by a major rap artist in a year where NO ONE was copping Hip-Hop records… let alone, A record…

J. Dilla Jay Stay Paid (Winner for ‘Posthumous Album of the Year’)

*Drake So Far Gone (Winner for ‘Mixtalbum of the Year’)

Mos Def The Ecstatic (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (Hip-Hop)’)

Slaughterhouse Slaughterhouse

Raekwon OB4CLPt.II (Winner for ‘BEST Hip-Hop Album of ‘09’)

*Honorable Mention: Ricky Walrus Deeper Than Rap

Deeper Than Rap bangs..err, well the beats do, but was creatively dead-on-arrival due to Officer Ricky’s deeply delusional lyrics that made my soul cringe like an Alicia Keys falsetto run. If anything, Ricky should offer his Gold plaque (…if he earns one…) to the J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League for their incredible work on an album that would’ve been CLASSIC had swoleded titties never breav’d his lie-polluted breaf over it …

Underground Hip-Hop Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Skyzoo The Salvation

(Skyzoo aka one of the illest storytellers in the game. See: “True Romance.”) + (rewind-worthy quotables) + (top-notch Just Blaze, Nottz, Khrysis & 9^th wonder production) = The Salvation… Believe me, it’s the dopest Hip-Hop record that you’ve never heard… err, or seen in your neighborhood variety record store…

Fashawn Boy Meets World

DOOM Born Like This

Blakroc Blakroc …Nicole Wray is feat. on the album. Just thought you’d want to know.

14KT Nowalataz LP (Winner for ‘Instrumental Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

Alchemist Chemical Warfare

Diamond District In the Ruff

Tanya Morgan Brooklynati

R&B/POP Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … The-Dream Love Vs. Money

Love Vs. Money had all the bullet wounded-‘Barbies,’ ‘Quick weaveded 5-Star Bishes’ & ‘classy, college edumacated’ future ex-wifeys rockin’ their sh*t in the club with glasses of moscato in one hand and Boyfriend #2’s phone in the other (“Guh, putcha # in mah fone”) … Yea, Love Vs. Money was THAT SHYT… and a major reason why the ladies were calling ‘Letitia their beautician’ the morning after rubbing their sh*t against ex-BOO #5 in the club… and then in the, uh… well, nevamind… J

Pleasure P The Introduction of Marcus Cooper

R. Kelly Untitled

Day26 Forever in a Day

Lady Gaga Fame Monster (Deluxe Edition)

Ryan Leslie Ryan Leslie

LeToya Lady Love

J. Holiday Round 2

Soul/NU-Soul Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Joy Jones Godchild

Joy Jones turns my frowns upside down and takes me to a place where negativity doesn’t even exist with her incredibly nostalgic brand of NU-Soul music… As of Jan. 1, 2010, there’s Marsha, Jill, Erykah, Jazzy, Muhsinah, Conya, Georgia… and then Joy Jones… Govern yourselves accordingly.

Slakah The Beatchild Soul Movement, Vol. 1

Eric Roberson Music Fan First

Georgia Anne Muldrow Umsindo

Jesse Boykins III The Beauty Created (Winner for ‘Best RE-mixed Album of the Year’)

Maxwell Blacksummers’night (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (R&B)’)

N’Dambi Pink Elephant

Slept-On Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Jaspects The Polkadotted Stripe

…I. STILL. Can’t. STOP. Banging. This. Album… It’s just that artistically ‘different’ in the dopest possible way and absolutely ROCKS as an intergalactoSoul-synthed voyage into the musical ‘unknown’ … The Polkadotted Stripe > Your ‘BEST ALBUM’ of ’09. THE END.

Nicolay City Lights, Vol. 2: Shibuya (Winner for ‘Instrumental Album of the Year’)

Che Grand Everything’s Good Ugly

Fashawn Boy Meets World

Lee Fields & The Expressions My World

DJ Quik & Kurupt Blaqkout

14KT Nowalataz (Winner for ‘Instrumental Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

SA-RA Creative Partners Nuclear Evolution: The Age of Love

*Honorable Mention: Mike Epps Funny Bidness: Da Album

No, Mike Epps can’t RAP worth ½ a DAMN but he doesn’t have to when 75% of his debut comedy/Hip-Hop project features his signature ig’nance-smacked rants like this hilarious gem from his lead-single “Ain’t Chu You”:  “…Crooked azz teeth in ya mouf … you put them b*tches in by yaself dincha?!… you gotta mouth fulla bird seeds..getcha azz back…crazy azz, wit that dry azz skin… getcha azz back…skin look like the crust on a chicken pot pie …bish look like a got’damn Rottweiler wit them black azz knuckles… bish you black and brown like a Rottweiler…”

Mixtape of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Drake So Far Gone Lil’ Wayne No Ceilings

Track #1 … “Swag Surfin.”

“…I’m a New Orleans n*gga, I don’t take no sh*t/Take the brain off the whip now it don’t make no sense/Stunt hard on these b*tches, I aint promise tomorrow/Now women kickin’ it with me like Nomar Garciaparra…”

“…Few grow them killer plants, the little shop of horror/And we roll them b*tches thick, make them look like Tocara/Man I’m too much for these n*ggas, and three much for these hoes/The World is in my hands, and I keep my hands closed…”

“I love my baby mommas, they get my highest honor/Gotta take care of them kids man, I kno ya heard Obama…”

“…Red bone do me good, then her friend assist her/I mean a b*tch she never met, her best friend, or sister/I leave her p*ssy microsoft… like windows vista…”

“Walk around like I’m thirty feet tall… Tiger Woods all these h*es tryna birdy these balls /And the Porche 911 like emergency calls, man I just be chillin,’ I’m cool like Lou Rawls” …

…And this is only Track #1… Any Questions?!

Lupe Fiasco Enemy Of The State: A Love Story

AFTA-1 X GAS’D LOVE IS REAL Mixtape Series

Wale & 9^th Wonder Back to the Feature

Sean Price Kimbo Price: A Prelude to Mic Tyson

PacDiv Church League Champions

Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Mayer Hawthorne A Strange Arrangement

…Yeaaa, I know… ‘Here I go… gushing over yet another random Motown-inspired Blue-Eyed Nu-Souler with a cringe-worthy Smokey Robinson fetish…’ …Yep… ‘…Mayer’s just another Black culture-raping, Five Heartbeats-obsessed white boy who ‘music heads,’ like me, are worshipping due to some terribly watered down ‘Golden-era re-creation project’ that Berry Gordy would’ve frowned upon had he been alive…’ *deep sigh* …And to ALL you cold-blooded haters/ANTI-hypesters/POP-diseased bottom feeders I say: …And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Mayer Hawthorne A Strange Arrangement. Thank you. Goodnite.

14KT Nowalataz (Winner for ‘Instrumental Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

Raekwon Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, Pt. II (Winner for ‘BEST Hip-Hop Album of ‘09’)

Jaspects The Polkadotted Stripe (Winner for ‘Slept-on Album of the Year’)

Joy Jones Godchild (Winner for ‘Soul/NU-Soul Album of the Year’)

The-Dream Love Vs. Money (Winner for R&B/POP Album of the Year)

Maxwell Blacksummers’night (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (R&B)’)

Little Dragon Machine Dreams (Winner for ‘ElectroSoul Album of the Year’)

Jay-Z Blueprint 3 (Winner for ‘Hip-Hop Album of the Year’)

Mos Def The Ecstatic (Winner for ‘Comeback Album of the Year (Hip-Hop)’)

*Drake So Far Gone (Winner for ‘Mixtalbum of the Year’)

I Want My GOT’ DAYUM $$$/Megabytes BACK Award (R&B/POP)

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Michael Jackson The Remix Suite

…Have you ever wondered what Michael Jackson would sound like over a Neptunes, Polow Da Don, Stargate or Salaam Remi banger?! Never?! …Bleh, me neither… which is why I absolutely DEtested this blasphemous compilation of musically-mutilated Mike Jack mega-hits-turnt-mega-FAILS that made my soul weep like a warm-hearted animal lover during the ending of Marley & Me… Seriously Joe Jack & fam, is this really how you greedy azz black-hearts wanted to pay your final respects to Mike — the ‘greatest to EVER do it’ — by allowing his classic vocals to be splattered over a mindless cacophony of POP-skeeted ANTI-anthems?!? … Joe: ‘Hell, abslootlee…sumbawdee had toopae fo my RECA © (Meik) Layba’ … *LOGS OUT of LIFE* …

Ledisi Turn Me Loose

Chris Brown Graffiti

Alicia Keys The Element of Freedom

Mario D.N.A.

Whitney Houston I Look To You

India.Aire Testimony, Vol. 2: Love & Politics

Chrisette Michele Epiphany

I Want My GOT’ DAYUM $$$/Megabytes BACK Award (Hip-Hop/Rap)

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … KiD CuDi Man On The Moon: The End Of Day

Man On The Moon: The End Of Day made me want to slash my wrists with a pickled pig-Flu-stained prison shank and RE-opened the subconscious wounds inflicted by Precious, Monster, Seven Pounds and What Dreams May Come… I mean DAMN, I felt like I was chained inside Kurt Cobain’s brain  for 50+ min. with no way out other than A) The *STOP* button or B) A loaded .45… BUT, then again, ‘CuDi’s…a *waaaait for it* ‘MUSICAL GENIUS’ …and this ‘masterpiece’ — which also happened to be the BEST Hip-Hop Album to drop in’09 — went over my head (…just like Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak which he Co-Wrote…)’ mhhhmm…Got’cha… In fact, I’ll remember this the next time I scroll past “Day ‘N’ Nite”/“Poke Her Face” aka two of the few ‘listenable’ tracks on this suicide-friendly record that only depressed suburbanites with razor sliced wrists will would appreciate …

Rakim The Seventh Seal

Eminem Relapse

Lil’ Wayne The Rebirth ..err, wait… Lil’ Wayne The Rebirth ..That’s not out yet. O_0

Capone-N-Noreaga Channel 10

Asher Roth Asleep In The Bread Aisle

Busta Rhymes Back on My B.S.

M@$#%F#%K%NWH$@K&#A&ZZ&#%& Album of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … OJ Da Juicy Juice Box Other Side of the Trap

I’m now convinced that OJ Da Juicy Juice Box is severely retardated..err, or speech impedimated..uh, or maybe just the doOpidest damn rap sambo to ever breav his Jewelry-cleaner-rankled breaf onto a studio mic… Seriously, this dude — Otis Williams —  has GOT to be one of the 7,456 most remedial-brainded humanoid beings on Earf who continues to be the #1 reason why I DON’T watch Yo Gabba Gabba or believe in the Georgia public school system. Ehh, and about this whack azz album..*Hol’Up*..Damn that… Back to OJ… ‘Yea?! OK?! Aye?! ..Aye?! OK?! OK?! Aye?!’ X 63/per track… annnnnnd NO. ONE. has tried to end this blither blabber’s life or forge his signature on Iraqi deployment papers?! …W…IN THEE…(UBER)F?!?! *LOGS OUT of LIFE…again*

Ciara Fantasy Ride

F.L.Y. (Fly Life Yungstaz) Jamboree

Cam’ron Crime Pays

Ace Hood Ruthless

Electrik Red How To Be A Lady, Vol. 1

Mims Guilt

Jim Jones Pray IV Reign

Marques Houston Mr. Houston

Bow Wow New Jack City, Pt. II

New Boyz Skinny Jeans & A Mic

“Dat’s My S**T!” CLUB BANGER of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Young Money “Every Girl”

It was OVER whenever: “I like a long haired thick red bOnEeE…” banged through the club speakers… Don’t trip, this was your shyt and had you ’bout to spill your $9 drink on the way to the dance floor to chant ’09’s most infamous hook obviously featured on the year’s most gratuitously misogynistic club banger…

KiD CuDi Feat. Common & Kanye “Make Her Say”

Roscoe Dash/Travis Porter Feat. Soulja Boy “All Tha Way Turnt Up”

The Clipse Feat. Pharrell “I’m Good”

Gucci Mane Feat. Plies “Wasted”

Soulja Boy Feat. Lil’ Wayne “Turn My Swag On” (Remix)

*Jamie Foxx Feat. T-Pain “Blame It” (Released in ’08. Blew in ’09)

Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Mario Feat. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett “Break Up”

*Wait, Hol’up… Now, I realize I’m leaving out the TRUE club heads so this next Award is dedicated to all my DREAD-DOMDED DOPE BOYS, SCABIES-SCARRED SKANKZOIDS, BUTTA-FACEDED BARBIES & EBT-CARD HOLDING 5-STAR/BALLERALERT.COM BISHES:

The CHRI’ JAWN’SA’ CLUB BANGER Award

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Waka Flocka Flame “OHLehDeWit”

Waka Flocka Wha?! …YES. Waka. Flocka. Flame. and he’s not a Fraggle, Muppet, or Snork nor has he ever lived underneath an umbrella tree or ‘come along’ with me & you to a place called Zoobilee Zoo…NOPE, dude is official… in the streets… especially in the Souf where he’s more popular in the schools than well-known ‘lames’ like Barack Obama or Oprah Winfrey… Sadly, it’s true… your son, daughter, brother or sister idolize/lust over/look up to some dude named ‘Waka Flocka Flame’ who’d rather chant “OHLehDeWit” throughout this ‘ratchet hood anthem’ than “Oh. let’s. do it.” like the rest of us bougeosie azz ‘educateds’ in the Black community… Ehh, but it’s cool though … *JerMajesty shrug* …

Young Jeezy “Trap or Die 2”

J. Futuristic Feat. Young Jeezy & Shawty Lo “First Name. Last Name” (Remix)

Roscoe Dash/Travis Porter Feat. Soulja Boy “All Tha Way Turnt Up”

Plies “Plenty Money”

State House “Crank Dat Roy”

Lil’ Ru “The Nasty Song”

Yo Gotti Feat. Gucci Mane, Trina & Nicki Minaj “5-Star Bish”

OJ Da Juicy Juice Box “Make Tha Trap Say Aye”

“Dat’s My S**T!” SEXY LADIES ANTHEM of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Bey “Single Ladies” (Rel.  in ’08. Blew in ’09)

*Hands mic to Mo’Nique* …damn, my bad *Hands mic to Mo’Nique* *Covers Ears* Mo’Nique: ‘B’yawn’ce…Sas’ha FIERCE…YAAAS… my bootyliciousSISTAH,CHILE…YOU…DID…THAAAAAAAAT…YAAAAAAS BABY YAAAAAAAAAAAS…etc.’ *10 min. later* Mo’Nique: ‘YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!’

Melanie Fiona “It Kills Me”

Drake “Best I Eva Had”

Trey Songz Feat. Fabolous “Say Aaah”

The-Dream “Rockin’ That Sh*t”

Timbaland Feat. Drake “Say Something”

Keri Hilson Feat. Weezy “Turnin’ Me On”

50 Cent Feat. Ne-Yo “Baby By Me”

Mario Feat. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett “Break Up”

Plies “Becky”

Chrisette Michele “Epiphany (I’m Leaving)”

N’Dambi “Can’t Hardly Wait”

Fabolous Feat. Drake “Throw It In The Bag (Remix)”

*DAMN. Hol’up..I know… ‘how IN THEE HELL am I, A DUDE, gonna present the Award for ‘SEXY LADIES ANTHEM’ of the year when my azz ain’t ee’een a, uh, SEXY LADY?!?’ …

*Tags in Brittney A.* … *OKGO!*

In 2009, ladies truly entered the world of disrespecting ourselves — elbowing each other in the club to be the first one with our “hands up” while parading around the room yelling: “All My Singles Ladies, All My Single Ladies” (Do you NOW realize how ridiculous that was?!), blaming your illicit actions on the alcohol: “Blame It on the Goose, Got Ya Feeling Loose” (*side-eye*), running around calling yourselves 5-Star bitches/Barbies and I won’t even get started on the clone-ism that Amber Rose & the babbling Nicki Minaj started this year.

Britney Spears and Whitney Houston held hands out of rehab to make a comeback and Alicia Keys showed us how to break up marriages and sleep our way to a # 1 record. The world (Black people) was/were introduced to Taylor Swift (thanks Kanye), Leona Lewis, Adele, Melanie Fiona, Sade’s much anticipated comeback and it still wasn’t enough to make us start respecting ourselves.

I would give anything to resurrect Michael Jackson and have him sing Pretty Young Thing (P.Y.T.) to all the ladies in 2009 especially those of us who rode to the beat of  everyone else’s drum this past year. So with all of the songs in the world that SHOULD have been the ‘SEXY LADIES ANTHEM’ in 2009, Maxwell’s “Pretty Wings” is the winner of my First Annual ‘BRITTNEY.’ Ladies, respect yourselves in 2010 and spread YOUR wings!

Brittney Anntionette is a brilliant young sista, poet & activist with her own positive movement promoting positive Black images. Follow her on twitter @ http://twitter.com/blackposimage.

*Hands Brittney bouquet of flowers & a ‘thank you card’* … *Tags back in*

Incense, Oils & Diet Green Tea Jam of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Joy Jones “The Joy”

I DARE you to blast this track every morning for, well, the rest of your life. No, really, I’m serious, and guarantee that this delightfully uptempo coffee spot-rocker will give you life even when your body, mind and spirit are drained by the rigors of the oft-depressing ebb & flow of everyday life…

Slakah The Beatchild Feat. Drake “Share”

Maxwell “Badhabits”

Mos Def Feat. Georgia Anne Muldrow “Roses”

DJ Spinna Feat. Shabaam Sahdeeq & Erik Rico “Melody”

Focus Feat. Phonte “Recession”

Jaspects Feat. Chantae Cann “Find My Way To Love”

India.Arie “Yellow”

Eric Roberson “The Newness”

Panty-DroppaWetta of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Trey Songz “Scratchin’ Me Up”

… ‘Wha?! “Scratchin’ Me Up?!’ … *scrambles for READY CD case* wait, that shyt ain’t on here!’ … Bwaa. DUH! …Please. Did you really expect Trey to feature his BEST songs on his actual album?! LOL. Uh, nawl… and, to be honest, this was the BEST song he dropped in’09 but you wouldn’t know that if you didn’t download his Anticipation Mixtape… Trust me Ladies, I’m on it because I’m tryin’ to be on you and recommend that all my Fellas add this ‘unreleased’ panty-drencher to the deluxe ‘Side-Piece Slow Mix” … Bwaa, no applause please… Thank you…

Robin Thicke “Sex Therapy”

Pleasure P “Let Me”

Jesse Boykins III “Pantyhose”

Day26 “Babymaker”

Eric Roberson “Weekend Getaway”

R. Kelly Feat The-Dream, Tyrese & Robin Thicke “Pregnant”

Jeremih Feat. R. Kelly “Birthday Sex” (Remix)

The-Dream “Put It Down/12-Play/Sweat It Out”

Urban Mystic “Throw It Back”

Guilty Pleasure Jam of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”

“RahrahahAhah!RomMahromMummAh! GaGa-oO-LaLa! Want your bad romance…” …Yea, it’s true: I F’N LOVE this song… well, ‘kinda’… In fact, most music lovers ‘kinda’ do… but will never publicly admit it to anyone other than themselves… Uhhh huh, I know, GoGo Gadgets’ a wacko-maniacal POP pariah BUT her sheer musical prowess + ear for catchy crossover records is undeniable …

KiD CuDi “Hyyerr”

Young Money “Ms. Parker”

Dorrough “Ice Cream Paint Job”

The-Dream “Take You Home 2 My Mama”

Day26 Feat. Yung Joc & Diddy “Imma Put It On Her”

OJ Da Juiceman “Make Tha Trap Say Aye”

Rihanna Feat. Young Jeezy “Hard”

Chris Brown “Sing Like Me”

Hook of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … RiRi “Run This Town”…SIKE! Bwaaahaaaa…… No, seriously, Trey Songz “Successful” …

I’m definitely not a MAJOR Trey-stan or music head with READY in heavy rotation but dude KILLED this hook which, to me, was also the most irritating cliché of ’09 … For once, I’ll give Trey credit for doing..uh, ‘something’ that actually pertained to making  ‘good music’ aka the music that he routinely avoids making …

Usher “Spotlight”

Dorrough “Ice Cream Paint Job”

T-Pain “Maybach Music 2”

Gucci Mane “Wasted”

Day 26 “Imma Put It On Her”

Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”

*Honorable Mention:

Mario “Break Up”

Melanie Fiona “Beautiful Bliss”

Day 26 “Imma Put It On Her”

KiD CuDi “Already Home”

Drake “Money To Blow”

Dorrough “Ice Cream Paint Job”

Yukimi Nagano “Feather” (Little Dragon Machine Dreams)

Rell “Rain” (Jim Jones Pray IV Reign)

John Legend “Magnificent”

Hurricane Chris “Halle Berry (She Fine)”

Avery Storm “Rich Off Cocaine”

Bobby Valentino “BEEP”

Hip-Hop/Rap Track of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Jay Electronica “Exhibit C”

Jay Electronica is officially THEE ILLEST Hip-Hop specimen in the universe and proved it with this insanely EPIC uber-banger that you will NEVER stop playing or gushing about to your fellow ‘music lovers’ who probably don’t know what IN DEE F@#% a Jay Electronica is, was… or could be… Believe me, “Exhibit C” is the cure to Hip-Hop’s deep-rooted cancer and will continue to convert frustrated Hip-Hop heads into Team: Electronica card holders until the N.O.-bred ‘extraterres with tourrettes’ finally drops his highly-anticipated debut album …

Wale Feat. Melanie Fiona & J.Cole “Beautiful Bliss” (Winner for ‘Collab of the Year’)

DJ Quik & Kurupt “9X Outta 10”

Joe Budden “Pray For Me”

Mos Def “Casa Bey”

Drake Feat. Trey & Weezy “Successful”

Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Joe Budden “Pray For Me”

Slaughterhouse Feat. Fatman Scoop “Onslaught, Pt. II”

*Jay Electronica “Dear Moleskine” (Winner for ‘Snippet of the Year Award’)

*Honorable Mention (Newly Released):

Reflection Eternal Feat. Jay Elec, J. Cole & Mos Def “Just Begun”

Black Milk “Keep Going”

Rock/POP Jam of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Passion Pit “The Reeling” (Google It. Thanks.)

I absolutely LOVE this damn record and you will too… that is, if you dig frenetically spunky Indie-Rock/POP with incredibly infectious hooks/quirky synth riffs… Trust me, this track goooooooooes…

Green Day “Know Your Enemy”

Daughtry “You Don’t Belong”

Little Dragon “Feather”

Kings of Leon “Use Somebody”

Lady GaGa “Bad Romance”

Michael Jackson “This Is It”

WRIST-SLITTER of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Justin Bieber “One Time”

Justin Bieber’s “One Time” makes me want to noose my OWN neck and nosedive off a tall tree branch into a shallow pond infested with blood-thirsty Jellyfish… *Drops mic & walks away*

“One Time” > Listening to Chris Brown recite the “Declaration of Independence.”

“One Time” < Watching a sing-off between Keri Hilson & Rihanna… judged by Ashanti.

“One Time” > Listening to A. Keys sing “Lift Every Voice & Sing” through Auto-Tune.

“One Time” > Watching a sextape starring Ricky Walrus & ‘Precious.’

“One Time” < Listening to KiD CuDi’s Man On The Moon: The End Of Day…on repeat.

Whitney Houston “I Look To You”

Jimmy Jones Feat. Bree Beauty “Na Na Nana Na Na”

Keri Hilson “Make Love”

India.Arie Feat. Dobet Gnahore “Pearls”

Mary J. Blige Feat. Drake “The One”

Angie Stone “Tell Me”

Alicia Keys “Love Is My Disease”

Ricky Walrus Feat. Trina “Face”

Song of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Jay Elec “Exhibit C” (Winner for ‘Best Hip-Hop/Rap Song)

Jay Electronica is the personification of innovation…and err, somewhat of a whimsical weirdo with a subtle edginess + beautifully surreal musical approach that only the most intellectual (of) ‘backpackers’/music connoisseurs will appreciate… To me, Jay Elec embodies everything fad-tattered ‘hipsters’ like KiD CuDi strive to be and proves, once again, that rappers from the ‘souf’ are more than just criminally coonish cash-fiends/reckless misogynists with painfully dinky-doink flows …

Mark my works. Jay Electronica is next.

Drake Feat. Trey & Weezy “Successful”

Drake “Best I Eva Had”

Jamie Foxx Feat. T-Pain “Blame It”

Jay-Z Feat. Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”

Little Dragon “Feather”

Maxwell “Pretty Wings”

Beyonce “Single Ladies”

*Honorable Mention:

Jaspects “The Polkadotted Stripes” (Winner for ‘Underground Song of the Year’)

ALEJANDRO’S CINEMATIC AWARDS

Movie of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … The Hangover

The Hangover. is. F.N. HILarious. That is all.

Star Trek

UP

Inglorious Basterds

District 9

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Ga’bage Movie ‘Picture Show’ of the Year

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Bruno Obsessed

If you liked this horribly-scripted, poorly-executed, terribly-acted (…and critically-clobbered) D-movie then you deserve to have your tonsils kicked into your thoughts (brain…duhhh) by Beyonce like the whacko stalker heffa does during the movie’s infamous “Me & my shaggedy weave-IS-bout-to-whoop-your-white-azz-for-trying-to-steal-MY’s-Hus-A-band-” scene that I’m sure we’ve all seen… and probably will never forget, as long as the double & ¼ threat attempts to be taken seriously as a *gasp* actress …

The Haunting of Connecticut

Next Day Air

Bruno

Paranormal Activity

“The Watchmen”

ALEJANDRO’S FASHION AWARDS

YAAAAS..BABY..YAAAAAAS…DO.THAT.SH*T. Award

“Boy Shorts”

Every woman needs to cook breakfast for their man…in their boy shorts…once a week.

“Minx Nails”

There’s nothin’ sexier than a creative woman with personality…and pretty ‘minxed’ nails.

“Nerd Glasses”

Some dudes prefer their ladies to be ‘video vixen sexy’ … I like mine ‘kinda nerdy sexy’

“Knit Berets”

I LOVE sophisticated Soul-sistas… and they’re usually rockin’ these when I meet them.

“Subtle Body Art”

This type of art is EXTRA-sexy especially when a woman has to ‘introduce’ them to you.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … “Embellished Tights”

*Big-ups to Miriam ‘The Street Stylist’ Bell for instructing all the ladies to cop a pair of these EXTRA-sexy leggings especially if they’re trying to attract good, educated brothas like me who love women in tights, or anything tight period. You’re definitely appreciated Miriam. God loves you. Check her out @ http://yourstreetstylist.blogspot.com/

PLE’..BABY..PLEEEEE’… STOP.NO…DAAAMN.DONT. Award

“Boyfriend Jeans”

A woman in baggy jeans is NOT SEXY… especially if they’re MY jeans.

“Marilyn Monroe Piercings aka Jewelry Boogers”

I have no idea why the prettiest women continue to poke holes in their faces.

“Baldy Femme-Hawk”

Cassie looked dumb as hell with this hairstyle… what makes you any different?!?

“XXL Body Art”

You don’t need to have Christ’s hands tatted from shoulder to elbow. Baby, we know you saved.

“Open Toe Boot Heels”

I’d like these better if they were hidden from big girls with swollen feet & fugly toes.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … “The Nicki Minaj Curly Weave Bang”

Ladies…stop it. Just…STOP…it. Please…DAMN… especially if you look like the pot-bellied ‘Troll Doll’ above whenever you attempt to RE-create Nicki’s gimmicky wig-hat in the dimly-lit bathroom of your rundown, slumdog-style apartment:

The Say Wha? Huh?!? Hol’Up, Wha?!Award

“…the long way…”

Yoooo, that’s my N#$&@… I F@X with him the long way …

“NO Bueno”

I see all ya’ll h*es rockin’ open toe stilletos with reinforced toe stockings. No Bueno.

“Googuh”

Who the F@#$ am I?! …Bish please, googuh me and check mah resume!

“…Keep it one hun’ded…”

Yo, did you smash the homey last nite when I was @ work?! Yo, forreal, keep it one 100!

“…Who gon’ check me boo?!”

So what, I got a buggy fulla damn groceries in the damn Express Lane..who gon’ check me boo?!

“Ratchet” (Formerly a Noun, now an Adjective)

Yo, dis me, come and get your ratchet azz kids from ova here… they tearin’ up my shyt!

Common N***Aisms: “Pacific”

Excruuuue me, but was there a pacific culla shoe you was lookin’ for?!

B) “Janyerry”

Dis my baby Quantavious… He a Aquarius juh’li’me… he was born Janyerry the 22^nd.

Common GUCCI-isms: “Might Don’t Make It”

“Rockstar lifestyle might don’t make it/Living life high, errrday clique wasted” O_0

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Common N*GGAisms: “Pacific”

Black People. WE MUST do better. That is all.

STFU FOR-EVER Award

Que (Formerly of Day26) during his infamous MTB4 coke-trip:

Que: “I need you to stop doing what you’re doing to me…”

Willie: “What am I doing to you?!?”

Que: “Nothing… but I need you stop doing what you’re doing to me!”

‘BAWSE’ in his OWN MIND: The BEAUTIFUL LIES of RICKY WALRUS:

A) “That’s why it’s always best to be 100 from the jump. Be real from the jump. People I show respect to ain’t got nothing to do with money and power and fame. I just keep it 100. It is what it is, and we gonna wait and see.”

*…says the ex-Corrections Officer who denied ever being employed by the South Florida Reception Center in Dade County where he earned a yearly salary of $25,794.34 that I’m sure was nickels & dimes compared to the ‘millions’ he was making part-time as a notorious ‘Drug Kingpin’ on the crack-flooded streets of Carol City.

B) “We dominate in every street market we’re thrown into, because we’re the truth, we’re real…There isn’t a Hollywood bone in our bodies. We make real music, because it’s real life for us, we’ve really been through it, we’ve survived it. Triple C’s holds promise for the future of rap music…”

*To date, Triple C’s have sold 11K copies of their debut Custom Cars & Cycles.

C)“He’s smart,” Rawse said about Eminem not addressing him and avoiding a rhyme battle. “That’s what I’m waiting for. That’ll be a gift — a great Christmas present for me. But y’all know what I think. I think everybody knows. It’s all ’hood, man. Shout-out to Mariah Carey, she needs to reach out to me. We could eradicate some things.”

*…Eminem never replied.*

D) “I feel like I’m competing for the throne. I feel like the fans and the people can see my hunger… They could know I’m not satisfied with just two #1 albums and selling 2 million records, or whatever I sold. I want more…”

*Ricky has never gone platinum. His latest release has only sold 379,810 records.

E) “That’s why New York City is in the position it’s in…I’m worth more to the black community than 50 Cent.”

*JerMajesty shrug*

Kanye West & Those Wordy Things Called Books:

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed,” West said. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.” … “I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life…”

Breezy’s Twitterific B*TCH-FIT

“I’m tired of this sh*t…. Major stores are blackballing my CD… Not stockin’ the shelves and lying to costumers. What the f*ck do I gotta do?! Yeah, I said it… and I ain’t retracting sh*t… I’m not biting my tongue about sh*t else… The industry can kiss my ass…” (Alejandro Transcription)

*AwWeE…PoeEe BaWwEy… I know… you were defending yourself from that psychotic azz whacko — who you ‘loved’ — the night her gorgeous face beat the hell outta your clenched fists (…until it was virtually unrecognizable…) and are now being unfairly victimized by every single human being on Earf who made you the superstar you are today… How DARE these judgmental azz people NOT buy 7, 8 or 10 copies of your hot new album! … smh …

The DEATH of Lindsey Lohan

*If you didn’t know, Lindsey Lohan was offered the role of ‘stripper Jade’ in The Hangover by Director Todd Philips to which she responded:

“It has no potential.”

*The role eventually went to Heather Graham and, well, the rest of history. The Hangover has raked in over $205 million domestically.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Que (Formerly of Day26)

Cocaine is a helluva drug… especially when you mix it with ritalin, meth, Robert’s jheri-swirl juice and talcum power like Que apparently did during the taping of MTB4 where he seemed to grow more insane, paranoid and feminine by the commercial break until Diddy finally handed him a fresh tampon & put him on timeout… Thanks for the memories Que. Day 26 won’t be the same without you.

N**** Moment of the Year

A) 27-year-old Latreasa L. Goodman dials 9-1-1 three times after ordering 10 more Chick’n MacNuhgguhs than McDonald’s had available. She was denied a refund and informed that all sales were final before offering this story to the police dispatcher:

“This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.” “This is an emergency.”

Goodman was arrested and charged by police with the “Misuse of 911 communications.”

B) Hundreds of finger lickin’ gizzard-fiends descend upon the only Popeye’s in Minnesota for the 8-piece $4.99 special before coonin’ THEE F@#% out when the manager refused to honor the deal. Rather than accepting this small defeat and bouncing to the next eatery with their dignity in tact, the thirsty deal-chasers shuckled onto the nightly news…and then to YouTube, in what seemed like a concerted effort to discredit decade-old stereotypes attached to “N*ggas & they’s Fried Chicken” … O_o …

C) Last year, star running-back LaGarrette Blount put the highly-ranked Oregon Ducks on his back en route to his best season at the major Pac-10 school where he rushed for over 1,000 yards and 17 touchdowns. He was a bona fied collegiate superstar expected to be drafted highly in the upcoming 2010 NFL Draft…that is, until he sucker punched Boise St. defensive end Byron Hout (Yes, he’s white) — who taunted the star running back after a tough loss — during ESPN’s nationally televised opener for the ’09 College Football season. Blount was subsequently suspended for the rest of the season (…until his coach later reinstated him on Nov. 14.)

D) After being called for a foot fault (foot fault = calling traveling on Jordan in his prime) during her semi-final U.S. Open match against Kim Clijsters, Serena Williams neck-rolls, snarls, snaps & rolls (…them hips) (Yuuuuua!) at the lowly line-judge in front of a globally-televised audience whose eyes and ears were glued to her every ‘menacing, angry Black woman’ movement. She later apologized for her ‘blow-up’ but was fined a record $82,500 by Grand Slam administrators.

E) Henny-smacked Hip-POPstar Kanye West crashes the VMA Awards stage during Taylor Swift’s ‘moment,’ snatches the mic from the cutesy POP star and boldly stamps Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” vid as one of the best ever in front of the entire galaxy in one of the most brutally ig’nant, obsessively lampooned & replayed POP culture moments of ALL-TIME. At that moment, Taylor Swift ascended into super-stardom while Kanye ascended even further into the POP stratosphere as the ‘biggest, most hated ASS HOLE on the planet.”

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Sheree V. Anthony (RHOA, Episode I)

There they were, two grown azz niglets — ‘fashion designer’ Sheree Whitfield & ‘Top-Level Party Planner Executive’ Anthony Shorter’ — squabbling on National TV like two jealous little girls in a teen club over the details of Sheree’s ridiculous ‘Divorce Independence Celebration.’ Sheree snapped at Anthony…even threatened to call ‘Pookie & ’nem for back-up. Anthony snapped back at Sheree…with an extra-sweet neck-wiggle. Sheree called Anthony a b*tch. Anthony called Sheree’s mama a b*tch. And, remember, these were two ‘parents’ in each other’s face, fighting, in one of the ugliest ‘Black TV moments’ ever that also gave us the most popular catchphrase of ’09: “Who gon’ check me boo?! …aka “Who’s going to check me boo?!” (White people RE-mix… shout out to ALL my white people!)

*Hol’up, damn, I’m SO rude…have ya’ll met my eBoo #2?! Her name is Luvvie and she’s the bomb dot com one of my FAVORITE people on Earf… right now..err, or on ‘the twitta.’ Yes, she gives ME LIFE…which is why she’s here to present the “HoSh!T of the Year Award”*

*Tags in Luvvie … OKGO!*

The “HoShit Award of the Year” goes to someone who has engaged in so much Hosh!t that they need to have a condom brand named after them. This HoSh!t ain’t the good kind though. The people in this category get the *side-eye*.

Tiger Woods

This negroblasian had like 26 mistresses, and had the nerve to leave trails. He’s a bold mama jamma. Plus his HoSh!t resulted in a car accident after this wife found out. DRAMA

’Lil Wayne

This fool has never seen a prophylactic he liked. Obvious by him being the father of ghetto twins (children born the same year to the same father, different mother). I don’t know who his sex ed teacher was but they failed. He missed that class period where they used a banana to show how to put a condom on. WHOMP.

…And the “LUVVIE” goes to … BOTH. Wait, no. They BOTH lose.

Luvvie is the Award-winning uber-blogger behind “Awesomely Luvvie” (http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com) where she roasts, rants, clowns, WallSlides, Blogs, Slays hoes and rocks the Red Pump @redpumpproj. Follow her on twitter @ http://twitter.com/LuvvieIG.

*Makes out with Luvvie* … *wipes mouth* … *tags back in*

Golden O_0 Award

“Save-A-N@#%@ Theater”: Sa’ME.. Ple’ Massah Ple’

Rather than providing 40 acres & a mule to every African-American family as promised by the U.S. Government, major Hollywood studios force-feed the public with overly-fluffy, golden-hearted melo-dramaticas centered around wonderfully charitable white characters who make it their business to ‘save’ downtrodden Blacks & other minorities from the ugly realities of their everyday hood struggles.

Yep, I call these worthless movies “Save-A-N@#$@ flicks” because they make it clear that poverty-stricken Blacks can only be successful if they’re ‘saved’ by kind-hearted whites determined to save them… Sadly, most Americans are stone-cold suckers for these culturally deceptive films and flock to the theaters to support them as a way, I guess, to support ‘US,’ and show ‘US’ that they DO ‘care’ about ‘US’  to the point that they’d save ‘US’ too if they could.

*Hollywood’s latest “S-A-N flick” The Blindside has grossed over $184 million.

DJ Lance Rock Yo Gabba Gabba & Ya DON’T STOOOOOOOOOOOP

There’s NO ONE on TV more frightening than Lady GaGa DJ Lance Rock or the mentally-deranged teletubby-incestuoids who inhabit Gabbaland. I’m sorry. DJ Lance Rock is a potent coke-trip in motion and probably sniffed Bill Cosby’s Mortimer-Ichabod-Markers, puffed Yogi & BooBoo’s Pica’nic basket purp and downed several glasses of the Gummi Bear’s  ‘secret’ Gummiberry juice when he was younger. Dude is GaGa-freaky, Circus clown-scary and Tigger-hyper all at the same time. Yea, he seems ‘nice’ …uh, in a ‘to catch a predator’ kinda way, and definitely would’ve had my ashy azz shivering in my mama’s bosom every night had he been hippity-hop boppin’ across my TV when I was growing up. Before you judge me for despising DJ Lance Rock, ask yourself one question: Would You Leave Your Child Alone With This Man?!

Brainwashed ‘Barbie’-girls in a SAD AZZ ‘Barbie’ World

Ladies. Stop. The. Madness. There is NOTHING sexy, positive or uplifting about being a skank-hearted ‘Barbie.’ You look… and sound… dumb whenever you express interest in being one. You look even dumber when you step out in public as one. And you’re dumb. As. Hell. if you expect sensical people to acknowledge that you’re, indeed, one. Grow THEE F@#$ up…please. Nicki Minaj doesn’t give a DAMN about you, your curly bang wig-hat or your brand new booty pads… and only pretends to be a ‘Barbie’ because the greedy white execs at Universal force to her to be one. DUH. ‘Barbies’ are copped, collected, played wit & discarded. Remember that.

*And ‘LEH’ME-SHO’-U-SUHPTUNN’ else, Nicki Minaj sounds like “Fire Marshall Bill” when she spits. Bwaaa, melt slow Plastic Face.

“Skids” & “Mudflap”: Rollin’ with the HOMEEZ

Transformers II topped most ‘Worst of ’09’ lists, not because it lacked the over-the-top action, explosions or super-sized ‘Rock ’em Sock ’em robots-style action’ that its fanbase expected, but because it was loaded with corny dialogue, gaping plot holes and seemingly never-ending racial stereotypes that jumped out of the movie screen in the form of “Skids” & “Mudflap” — two illerate, slang-spittin’ ‘Hip-Hop-Bots’ that were nothing more than “Man-Tan” & “Sleep-N-Eat” disguised in robot costumes.

“Skids” had a shiny gold-toofes…yea, like the one “Jerome” rocked on Martin and constantly bickered, shuckled and bumbled with “Mudflap” (one actually threatened to ‘bust a cap in the other’s ass’) through painfully irrelevant scenes with no purpose or link to the actual story before Director Michael Bay took the CoonBot experience to another level during a pivotal scene where the Autobots needed them to read their ‘language’ (…to save Optimus Prime) to which they lurched backwards in horror and responded: “Uh, we don’t do too much readin’,”

… O_0 …

But, then again, these characters weren’t ‘racist’ or essentially just ‘Black stereotypes’ (‘…because white people & other ethnic groups also speak in slang and rock gold teeth…’ o_O) according to some educated Black folks I know… but Jazz ‘The Breakdancing’ Autobot (Transformers 1) and Jar Jar Binks ‘The mush-moufded’ alien (Star Wars: Episode I, II, III) somehow were … O_0 …

Attack of DEE KILLA U.S. POLO AssASSins.

Fellas. U.S. Polo Assn. T’s cost $14.99 at Marshall’s, TJ Maxx, Sears and Ross, but some of you are determined to stunt in these new-age CH(eap)A(zz)P(olo)S(hirts) like they’re official Polo shirts. They’re not. Trust me, I see you everyday with them tucked in & buttoned to the top like you copped it from the high-end Polo Store. C’mon son. REAL men wear REAL Polo. BING! And we rock it for a reason…why?!…because we dig the cut, ladies love Polo and the T’s never shrink or fade when washed. If you can’t afford it, rock plain polos… or, just… stick to your usual ‘urban wear,’throwback jerseys, Promo shirts or Nautica products. Thanx — Management.

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Kidz Bop Kids Kidz Bop 16

What would you do if your 8-year-old’s teacher called you and said: ‘JeMarius couldn’t control himself today during recess…He. Had. A. Fit…and wouldn’t leave Jemia alone. He was hitting her, throwing sand in her hair and even asked her how she could be so heartless?!’ WHAT?! No, wait… WHAT?! …YES, Heartless (…at 8-years-extra-young and un-puberty-bitten), which also happens to be Track #9 on the latest edition of a KBK series that specialized in ‘kiddizing’ harmless POP hits before ’09 when they hit the Chuck E. Cheesesters with grown-er, sexi-er anthems like “Halo,” “If I Were A Boy” “Boom Boom Pow” and “Live Your Life”  … O_0 …

Seriously, “Live… Your… Life?!” WHAT… LIFE?! …these KIDS are fresh-baked! …they’re STILL… NEW, here… on Earth… I WISH ‘’Lil JeMarius WOULD tell me and my lovely wife to chill out and let him “live HIS life” …Believe me, that would be the last day of his fresh little life… Bet that… (j/p … well, kinda…)

EPIC FAIL of the Year

Hurricane Chris Performs “Halle Berry” for La. Congress… in his best Easter suit.

What the hell does Halle Berry bein’ fine have to do with re-building levees & homes?!

BET’s Infamous Tribute-less “Michael Jackson Tribute”

Only Debbie Lee would green-light a “MJ Tribute” with. NO. Tribute. (“How dreadful”)

Chris Brown’s Crisis Management Team’s Management Crisis

Excuse me, but, your client was charged with assaulting his superstar girlfriend. Why does he have an “Opps!” chain on…in public?!

Drake Makes National Debut during BETs..on a Bar Stool..with tweenies on-stage.

Soo, nothing seemed wrong about this… not even the underaged girls on-stage part?!

…And the “ALEJANDRO” goes to … Lil’ Mama’s EPIC Stage Crash

…Bless ’Lil Mama’s heart, I. Mean. DAMN, that ballsy little fellow’s BOLD and has a heart the size of ten Khloe Kardashian jaw-lines… I get it, she wasn’t content with her status as the third most ignored judge on the hottest dance show in America (ABDC) probably because the show only focused on, well, dancing aka something she’s never seriously done in her own career (…even though she would’ve been the perfect ‘feminine’ complement to Fredro & Kel on Dance 360 … ‘Tag-Ya-Man’… ‘Tag-Ya-Man’… L-L-Lil’ Mama… ‘T-T-Tag-Ya-Man’) …

Believe me, I’ve heard your explanation: ‘it was the adrenaline’ (…err, or heightened levels of testosterone) fueling your shamefully-executed ‘NY big-up’ even though WE all know it was your inner thirsty-as-hell-ness to be a world-famous A-lister that led you to uber-FAILdom, which is why I recommend that your face be stamped on failing papers by school teachers for the rest of your now irrelevant existence.

…Bwaa, but thanks again Lil’Mama… for inspiring the youth to be the best, most EPIC failures we can be… In fact, after I watched you epically failing on stage in front of 70 zillion Earthlings, I knew that, I too, could crash my favorite star’s set and even grope pole dancers mid-dance without being beaten into a Halo by security because you, my newly extra-lame G-Lister, made EPIC failures COOL in ’09…

This has been another Alejandro production.

“It’s quite amazing that you rhyme write how you do and that you shine like you grew up in a shrine in Peru…” — Jay Electronica (Alejandro RE-mix)

THANK YOUs

I’d first like to thank everyone for their support, comments and feedback this year especially Erin Z. & the good folks at EMQ…Rahiem Shabazz & the good folks at Rashaentertainment.com/Globalgrind.com…Luvvie, MEIK, Thembi, Shakeeta, Brittney for replying to my tweets/mail/e-mails ASAP…Toya Ransom, Shawnnell B., SIMP, Jervel S., Paige, Tara Conley, A. McNair, Alexis F., Erica C., Jamie M., Candace M., Janell, J. Billops, Tiff G., ’Kell, Brad, Teddy, J.R., Kim S., Muck, DeHonor E., Briandria H., Tamysha N., BIG K, Kandis D., Quado C., BeeBoo, Melvin R., Bow Wow, Lawrence C., Shanell W., Akoto A., Jonathan W., Jamar H., Talia B., Jessica D., J. Ingram, Delano M., Al Bumz, Moose, Whiz, Big Cell, Bouchie, Paula O., Erika Katrese, Mia McDonald, Tahlia G., Aliya S. King, Tamika C., Linda H., Stacy A., A.P.T., Tank, Steve, Shaka, Tawana D., Carah H., Carter, Todd, Que Derek, Big Steve, Demetrius P., Prof. Wood for your input, tough love & unrelenting support.

I’d also like to thank everyone who I QUIT…or who QUIT me…this past year: Oneyah D., Chidi O., Cornbeef & Hashley, Alexis G., Latoya L., Sneha M., Davida, Adia, Tiffany W., Ambria B., Laura G., Mellisa M., Tameka T., Nefertequa & Ashley S..etc. I wish yall the BEST.

Happy New Year Everyone. HATAZ…keep hatin.’ LOVERS…keep loving. Grinders…Keep Grindin.’ Follow me @ http://twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8.

The social dilemma of tolerating violence against women for musical appreciation.

By: Michaela Angela Davis

I remember being mad about “Mad At Miles,” Pearl Cleage’s brave and brilliant account of Miles Davis’s brutalities towards women. I wish it was simple, that I was simply mad at Miles for whooping Cicely Tyson’s behind, our Cicely our queen, no I was mad at the conflict and the confusion it caused me. You see, I had to contend with “Kind of Blue” and “Sketches of Spain.” Miles made music of the Gods, not to mention he was the hippest, sharpest dressed, defiant, hypnotically striking, dangerously sexy man to ever put his mouth to metal.  Miles was a giant, a Black mans hero, a genius and a monster.

Now, I am mad again. Mad at Chris Brown. Chris Brown, the bright smiling young Black boy who when he danced, you dare not turn away. Happy Chris, who shined through all the sludge of thug glamour. Chris has that star thing and a sick work ethic. Chris Brown heir apparent to Michael Jackson, who couldn’t perform at his memorial because the swollen, black and blue, face of Rihanna was still too bloody fresh in our minds. Our new pop prince beat down the princess and all the kings horses and all the kings men didn’t come to put anything back together again.

Again, there is the conflict, no easy condemnation. Chris Brown is a broken Black boy. A boy who watched his mama get beat, a brilliant boy catapulted on stage. A boy whose got numerous adults on his payroll who could decide to spend 5K a day on a stylist but not $250 per hour for therapist? So many people are satisfied with his public apologies, especially young girls (many thought Rihanna must have done something to deserve it– sigh). Chris says he’s taking anger management courses. Does Chris need to manage his anger or does he need to heal from it? Chris needs intense professional help, he needs healthy accountable adults that are committed to his well being and not his balance sheet.  Rihanna deserves so much healing too and our young girls deserve a prince to sing to. So I guess that’s why Chris is charting and garnering magazine covers so swiftly after his fall (and would his rise be so swift if Rihanna was say, Taylor Swift?). Truth be told the ‘I Can Transform Ya” video is fire and his latest single “Crawl” is pretty much pop-perfection. Chris Brown is this generation’s great entertainer and he beats up women.

And then there is R. Kelly. He also makes me mad. I remember when the brilliance of R.Kelly hit me, cause I didn’t get it at first (too distracted by the visuals I guess). But I started listening to his music, his hooks, R.Kelly can sure write some songs. He spans all genres and generations, “Step in the Name of Love” gets even your cranky old auntie sliding at the family cookout and “I Believe I Can Fly” is a pre-schooler’s anthem, not to mention the countless hits he gave to the hip-hop generation. His repertoire is ridiculous and his crimes towards women, reprehensible. R.Kelly’s transgressions suggest that not only does he prey on young girls, but he enjoys humiliating them. Seems like all those folks buying tickets to his concerts are satisfied with the acquittal and have long forgotten the disgusting and degrading images of that girl being urinated on, or maybe it’s just not that cut and dry. R. Kelly is truly gifted and he is a pedophile.

All of this is maddening because it brings up more questions and paradoxes then resolutions and concrete positions. I turned to Facebook to get a quick consensus and while some very clear opinions where expressed, many questions were posed. Do celebrities live in an alternate universe that makes them immune to justice? Does creative genius forgive all sins? Should someone’s art be judged separately from their character? Is society too tolerant of abuse against women and children? What about a second chance? Should celebrities that abuse women be financially rewarded? Is it only conscious over 25 years old who are outraged? Does our tolerance reflect our values? Have we been historically, thoroughly taught that the lives of Black girls and women are not worthy of protection, that sexual abuse and violence should be expected and absorbed into our collective DNA, that we are built to take it?

So what’s a couple punches between a dope beat?

“If we rejected art based on the artists’ imperfections, transgressions and sins there would be a great many artists whose work we would not enjoy” was the comment of one of my wiser friends Florence Tate. “James Brown was a woman beater we’re still enjoying his music right?” another commented. True that. But isn’t also true that we have to evolve?  Isn’t it true we have to challenge and dismantle not just forgive our sins?  Isn’t it true we must have the community self-esteem to ask the hard questions?  Like asides from Kevin Powell and Byron Hurt, where are the healthy Black men, especially the celebrities, who are outraged at these abuses?  Why don’t they encourage their brothers to get some real help, step of the stage for a time to heal and reflect?  Who is publicly consistently wrapping their arms around our women and girls proving they are beautiful and worthy of protection?  When do we stop being either, compliant or silent?  Can we love the music of Chris Brown, R. Kelly and others while simultaneously loathe their abuses?

What is your answer?  What do you question?
Read more: http://www.essence.com/entertainment/commentary_4/chris_brownrkelly_album_review.php#ixzz0Z7mWjv0n

‘They’ say Hip-Hop’s DEAD — err, deceased, toe-tagged, pine-boxed, you know, in a ‘better, less depressing place’ — and was tucked inside Big & Pac’s tailored burial suits after somehow being ‘murdered’ in cold blood by: A) Greed-stricken record execs with insatiable ring-tone fetishes B) The F#!@$@$%# FOUR = Algernod, DeAndre, Radrick & Otis C) Pay-Per-Play Radio programmers D) Colonel Mustard with a candlestick inside the Billiard Room…(BING!) (wait, or was it Professor Plum..in the…?!) Bleh, who knows…better yet, who even knew that the POP-diseased genre had officially flat-lined?! …I’d say no one who truly loves music, lives it, or does it because TRUE music heads — all 1,723 of us on Earf — know that Hip-Hop/Soul — REAL Hip-Hop/Soul — AIN’T really DEAD.

With that said, I would like to dedicate this Mega-blog to any/everyone who dropped black roses on Hip-Hop’s casket after euthanizing the sickly, bed-ridden genre currently living within the pens, pads and vocal chords of REAL artists/musicians/composers/performers across the globe like the 27 I’ve personally selected to introduce to you. Hopefully, you enjoy reading..err, sifting through the blog/debating with fellow music heads about it.. just as much as I did writing it. OK, BYE. Let’s DO it.

Phonte Coleman: The Biggest Rap Star In Your Apartment Complex.

He’s only the ‘biggest rap star in your apartment complex’ and the ‘best kept secret since the AIDs cure’ …He raps better than your favorite ‘IT-boy’ rapper, croons better than your favorite tat-chestded crooner and zings wittier one-liners than your favorite late nite Comic Viewster — His name is Phonte ‘Phontigallo’ Coleman (…aka the face of critically-acclaimed Hip-Hop trio duo Little Brother & Nu-Soul duo Foreign Exchange) and he’s the #1 reason why Hip-Hop/Soul… Ain’t… DEAD…

…Don’t believe the HYPE?! …then google (Phonte) (+) Kanye, who admittedly scrapped his clunky College Dropout-flow after hearing the N.C. Central grad-turnt-(uber)undie-MC’s legendary verse on (Little Brother’s) “The Yo-Yo” (“…Man, sh*t, I’m bout to kick some Trick Daddy next poetry night like Myyy..Blaaaack..Queeeen..don’t know nann n*gga!”) …or Weezy, who struggled to keep up with the burly beat-rocker on the playful femme-love/hate anthem “Breakin’ My Heart” (Weezy = ‘…I gets all up in your head, just like shampoo…’ < Phonte = ‘…a woman’s life is love, a man’s love is life…’) …

…With four certified classics (Little Brother’s The Listening/Minstrel Show + Foreign Exchange’s Connected/Leave it all Behind) under his belt and thousands of die hard fans studying his every syllable, Phonte aka the best ‘everyman’s rapper’ alive (‘…My girl was throwin’ up this morning/I’m prayin’ it was somethin’ she ate…’) quietly etched his name into most Top-10 MC lists after penning some of the illest punch-lines (‘…might want to let me put my all in you/or else one of these off-brand Wal-Mart n*ggaz might try to Target you…’)/verses (See: “Boondock Saints”)/vocal arrangements (See: “House of Cards”) of our Hip-Pop-infused generation …

(“Boondock Saints” = ‘…Because I ain’t shucking, because I ain’t jivin’/Some of these cr*ckers won’t stand beside me/And cuz I ain’t killin’ and don’t support pimpin’/Some of these n*ggas wanna call me a Cosby/Well, I’ll be that dude, I’ll scratch that itch/I’ll play that role, call me Heathcliff b*tch!’)

…Nonetheless, if you’re a jaded Hip-Hopper struggling to re-discover REAL Hip-Hop in today’s ring-tone-deafened society, I highly recommend you purchase tickets to the next Foreign Exchange show (Ticket = $15) coming soon to an obscure venue in the hidden corners of a major city near you …Believe me, after vibing with Phonte and 173 fellow music lovers for two, maybe three hours, you too, will be a believer …

J. E. The  Extraterres… with Tourrettes: Live From Planet X.

After hearing Jay Electronica (‘They call me Jay Electronica…f*ck that. Call me Jay ElecHannukah..Jay ElecYalmulke..etc..’) ‘Jay ElecHannukah’ spit that ‘blow your brain, Kurt Cobain — Nirvana sh*t’ over Just Blaze’s incredible “Exhibit A (Transformations)” backdrop (“…I paved ways like Nat and Harriet, I blast on Judas Iscariots and peel off in the chariot…”), it was clear that the mind-bending beat bully from the ‘city built on top of a grave’ was more than just another quirky, dare-to-be-different MC with a store bought flow like Asher Roth or gimmicky image like Charles Hamilton …

…Nah, son… Jay Elec was the personification of innovation…and err, somewhat of a whimsical weirdo with a subtle edginess + beautifully surreal musical approach that only the most intellectual (of) ‘backpackers’/music connoisseurs could appreciate… To me, Jay Elec embodied everything that fad-tattered ‘hipsters’ like KiD CuDi strived to be and proved, once again, that rappers from the ‘souf’ were more than just criminally coonish cash-fiends/reckless misogynists with painfully dinky-doink flows …

…As a city skipping beatmaker/wordsmith with an endearing affinity for cult-classic movies/allusions (“…my mama said son why such a lonely face/because the pressures on me/plus I feel like Bill Murray trapped in Punxsutawney…”), the Planet-X-born, N.O.-bred MC dropped several buzz-worthy mixtapes, a phenomenal ‘poetry-in-motion’ (spit)session “Eternal Sunshine (The Pledge)” and the critically-acclaimed Dilla mash-up Style Wars EP that elevated him to ‘NEXT-status’ where he’s now poised to finally drop his highly-anticipated debut album sometime in the near/far-reaching future…

…But until then, it’s probably best that you bang “Exhibit A, B & now C”/Style Wars EP until your speakers implode while waiting for the shadow lurking MC to drop (…quite possibly the illest single of the year…) “Dear Moleskine” — the soul-piercing Just Blaze gem that’s been teased online/on-tour for months with no official ‘drop-date’ …Oh, and, uh, if I were you I would avoid the 1 min. 45 sec. mini-teaser like a double McMexican swine sammich with extra pickled pig hoofle sauce… you’ll only be torturing yourself …

Black Milk: The Dirty ‘D’s’ ‘Youngest In Charge’

Curtis ‘Black Milk’ Cross certainly isn’t J. ‘Dilla’ Yancey nor does he pretend to be when crafting his sinister snare kicks + soul-splashed samples that breathe life into desolate souls — like Dilla’s untouchable catalogue of ‘Donuts’ — while standing alone as new-age pages in the Hip-Hop Beat-Bible that the legendary beatmaker/MC died too soon to finish…

At 25 years young, Detroit’s second ‘youngest in charge’ (#1 Mayor Kwame) is a GROWN azzded MAN on the MP with a flair for filthy, Dirty ‘D’-pimp slapped drum baps (See: “Give The Drummer Sum”) and wildly-imaginative, chipmunk-funk’d sample loops (See: “Shut It Down”), that, when meshed together, create audible anti-biotics for the POP-diseased strain of Hip-Hop currently spreading through the industry via trend-thirsty ‘super producers’ who couldn’t touch Black’s weakest reference tracks with their hottest ‘top-shelf tracks’/ring-tones… (‘Did he just…?!’) … Yea, I said it! …

…If anything, Black Milk represents a gritty new-breed of brilliant beatmaker/MCs (Jay Electronica/Hi-Tek/Nottz) who body their own bangers (‘…If Hip-Hop’s dead and out/Black Milk just gave that b*tch mouth-to-mouth/brought it… back to life… out the hospital… ILLL… the industry owe me, got hospital bills…’) and showcased this through his widely-heralded albums Popular Demand/Tronic + the sick (regional) collabs Caltroit (Feat. Bishop Lamont) & The Set Up (Feat. Fat Ray) further establishing the Detroit-anchored midwest as a perennial power-player in the steadily-growing underground Hip-Hop/Soul movement…

…So with that said, I move that we, as new-age Hip-Hopsters, dead these pointless Black Milk/Dilla comparisons/arguments/debates and allow Black Milk to shape his own legacy without facing lifetimes worth of unrealistic expectations to be everything that Dilla was, and more…I mean DAMN, let Black Milk be, well, GREAT… I’m sure Dilla would…

Blu: Eternal Sunshine of the Golden (BLU) Mind.

The 26-year-old reflection in Johnson ‘Blu’ Barnes’ mirror is somewhat complex, flawed and reality-bitten… but, uhh, then again, that’s why any/everyone with their ears to the streets are buzzing about the nonchalantly confident leftcoast ‘rap peasant’ named Blu whose razor sharp ‘real-life’-coated bars force you to look into the mirror while wondering whether you’re living your life like it’s golden or merely just existing on this great ball of stress that we call the Earth  (Sadat X) …

…To some, ‘Blu’ is nothing more than a primary color but to true Hip-Hopsters he’s one of the realest, intimately introspective MCs in the game (“…And you chillin’ in your house with a wife, a few children/Feelin’ like you struck a million/Lookin’ at your kids like/‘Sh*t, this my son… This n*gga came from my nuts…”) who poured the contents of his tortured soul in between the paper’s lines (‘…I got dreams I ain’t reached yet – ends that ain’t meet yet/When it comes to being a man, sh*t I’m barely getting my feet wet/Trying to hit reset knee deep in debt/Trying to figure out how to feed a mouth that ain’t got teeth yet…’) for his fearless debut opus Below The Heavens that converted several ‘stuck-in-the-’90s’ ’Pac-stans into full-fledged, true Blu-believers …

…And NO, I’m in no way comparing a freshly-planted rose seed (Blu) maturing beneath the concrete to the fully-bloomed, concrete-grown rose that was Tupac Shakur — a Hip-Hop legend, even if the lyrically profound fresh face (recently) earned the late MC’s crown from Pacific Time Zone’d Hip-Hopsters/backpackers deeply immersed in a new-era ‘Cali-Soul movement’ (U-N-I/Fashawn/Pac Div) destined to revive the West’s severely comatized, Jerk-ravaged Hip-Hop pedigree …

…But I doubt the newly-major label drafted Blu (Sire/Warner Bros. records) cares about these over-blown comparisons (Hip-Hop Hype-Machinists = ‘YoO Blu’s betta than Lupe … illa than Nas … doper than Phonte’) or supposed ‘Westcoast (Hip-Hop) Savior’ status (Mainframe, ½ of Johnson&Johnson: “…A lot of rappers try to fit into a certain mold, but Blu breaks out of it…I think he’s the savior of West Coast Hip-Hop right now…”) and remains focused on inspiring Hip-Hop’s ‘left behind’ through eloquently insightful verses that elevated last year’s undie-gem (Mainframe-collab) Johnson&Johnson into serious ‘Album/Producer of the Year’ conversations/Award considerations …

Believe me when I say Blu’s winning right now and poised to shatter coastal biases in the name of REAL Hip-Hop especially after being contacted by a young deaf girl who revealed that the vibrations from his music were like no other when she placed her hands on her friends’ ‘Blu-blessed’ speakers … Obviously, I’m down with Blu, the question is, are YOU?

Little Dragon (Interlude)

*When PRETENDING to be a MUSIC HEAD goes wrong*

‘Music Head’: ‘Waaait, hold up, OK, so ‘Little Dragon’ is, uhh, Phonte … and, um, MC Pooh ..somethin’ … and 9^th … right?! … Dude, I’ve been a 9^th Wonder fan since Jay-Z’s Black Album and loved Phonte’s hook on that Playaz Circle jam … Yo, I been wonderin’ why that cat doesn’t sing more… dude has a nice voice …’

Me: Nawl, that’s Little Brother … you know, Phonte and Rapper Big Pooh … but, uh, 9^th Wonder hasn’t been with the group for a year or two now and definitely dropped doper tracks than “Threat” (Black Album) … As for Phonte, well, he’s on the road as we speak with his soul duo Foreign Exchange … Yea, but THIS group is Little Dragon.

‘Music Head’: ‘OoO, aight, COOL, For-eign … Ex-change … I’ll definitely check them out, but, OK, back to Little…Dragon, now they’re basically this ‘underground’ electro-POP/Rock, kinda Soulish/R&Bish Euro-band froooom Scotland … NO, Switzerland?! … Yeaaa, they SWISS … all dudes and one chick, right?! … kinda like Lucy Pearl, but white..err, European… YES, I LOVE that band!’

Me: *sigh* …You mean Sweden …

‘Music Head’: ‘OoOps, yea, my bad, Sweeeden, hahaa … same thing … but they were MAJOR in the ’90s, like global … Yo, I rocked wit them HARD when they dropped “Zombie” … Their lead singer, tha chick with the dirty tennis ball cut and swexy Europe-ish accent was HAWT… But wait, they weren’t always called Little Dragon though, right?! … Their name was Lusty Grapes, Tasty Blueberries, ehh, somethin’ like that, like some kinda fruit… *nods* ..mhhhmmm … naw, don’t try to play me son, I know who tha hell Little Dragon is … ’

Little Dragon: Stranger Than Fiction.

Little Dragon is headlining my wedding reception. No, really, they are — all four of those Electrosoul-smitten Swedes… Yep, I’ve already told my mama and, well, now I’m telling, HER, my future wife, as I’m typing this to mentally prepare them for the incredibly eclectic Rock/POP/Soul collective that very well may be the only reason why most legit music heads still find themselves optimistic about the future of progressive R&B/Soul music (…devoid of any poisonous Major Label additives or crippling A&R preservatives…)

Maybe it’s their funky fresh slinky-synths (See: “Turn Left”), retro-Soul-slicked aesthetic (See: “Feather”) or lead singer (Japanese/American/Swedish) Yukimi Nagano’s haunting vocals (See: “Twice”) that forever locked the Gothenburg-based quartet inside my cardio beatbox once their stunning self-titled debut Little Dragon (’07) faded into the warmest corners of my soul… Whatever it was, I F’N LOVED these talented dudes & sultry songbird, yes, LOVED them, and vowed to share them with the ‘musically thirsted’ until, they too, tracked down the band’s masterfully-conceived, indie-released debut album …

At the time, there were simply no artistic entities like Little Dragon (…aka Erik Bodin, Drums + Fredrik Källgren Wallin, Bass + Håkan Wirenstrand, Keys + Yukimi, Vocals) who easily carved their own niche in the Electro/Nu-Soul arena while generating a contagious promo-push for their highly-anticipated sophomore project Machine Dreams — a soulfully abstract, ’80s-POP-glossed throwback (See: “Runabout”) met with critical praise upon its release on Aug. 31… And the fans?! …well, most of us probably haven’t stopped playing the delightfully trippy record splashed with (more of) Yukimi’s (signature) soul-melting pipes (See: “A New”) that are unlike any other in the ‘soulstress’-saturated industry …

As long as Little Dragon is rockin’ stages, YOU, your ‘music head’ associates and these miserable-minded complainers have no reason to moan, groan and bemoan about the lack of REAL music/artists/innovation in today’s over-hyped musical wasteland… I say: delve deeper… expand your comfort zones… open your minds… and, maybe then, you’ll realize that there IS life after Hip-Hop/Soul’s supposed death after all …

Marsha Ambrosius: There’s Somethin’ About Marsha.

British chanteuse Marsha A. has (Jenny ‘Effie’ Hudson’s inner-strenf) + (MJB’s killer instinct) X (‘Lyzell in E Flat’ Jill Scott’s range) + (Adele’s Euro-edge) – (‘Post-Lyzell’ Jill Scott’s incessant emo-babble) ÷ (‘Indie-hyped’ Jaz Sullivan’s growth potential) + (‘Mr. Biggs’ Kelly Price’s (vocal) power) which, according to my 4^th Grade ‘PEMDAS’ notes, makes her the illest ‘songstress’ in the biz who, with one heart-chilling vocal ripple, turns ‘Baby, maybe we shouldn’t’ into ‘OoO baby, YES, right there’ in the bedroom while reigning as Hip-Hop’s ‘Heartfelt Hook’ Queen (Hi-Tek “Music For Life”/Fabolous “Stay”/Wale “Diary”)/R&B/Soul’s underrated golden pen (Michael Jackson “Butterflies”/Alicia Keys “Go Ahead”/Jazmine Sullivan “Music (All I Need)” …

Fellas, don’t trip, you know you luh Marsha’s panty-wetting, soul-stirring ways and currently have 11-17 of her songs sprinkled throughout your personal ‘seductive slow-burn mix’ (#1 Floetry “Imagination”/#2 Marsha & Jamie “Freak’N Me”/#3 Floetry “Say Yes”) …It’s cool, we ALL do, just like the ladies, who now expect to hear two or three Marsha jams between every few Jodeci, Kellz, Maxwell, Dream & Trey Songz..etc.. baby makers on our playlists …

…Um, YES, Marsha’s definitely THE TRUTH and one of three, maybe four, high-profile vocalists who truly ‘touch me’ whenever they sing, hum, chant or even speak. *Sigh* Yea, I admit it: Marsha plucked the hell outta my heartstrings the first time I watched Floetry’s Floacism Live like no other major artist I’ve ever seen perform live. *Nods* True story.

However, despite Floetry’s global mega-success, Floacism would be the doomed duo’s first, and last, live DVD before Marsha ditched her ‘singin’ chick from Floetry’-image,’ inked a solo deal with Dr. Dre’s Aftermath imprint and later re-emerged as the #1 contender for the struggling genre’s oft-disputed crown with Yours Truly (produced entirely by TheRealFocus), which — despite its ‘free mixtape’ status — shines as one the Top-5 R&B/Soul albums of the past several years mainly due to it’s edgy, yet masterfully conceived soundscapes (See: “Cloud 9”), stunning vocal arrangements (See: “Start…Finish”) and deeply-rooted emotional core (See: “Some Type Of Way”) …

(Yours Truly —>http://sharebee.com/b72516e7. You’re F’N welcome.  )

At this point, every one of you irksome Melanie Fiona over-hypesters can GO thaaat a’waaay. Damn. OK. I GET it. Melanie’s dope, she’s amazing, yes, she’s a ‘breaf of fresh air.’ But she’s NO Marsha and her flawed debut album The Bridge is definitely NO Yours Truly. Sorry. Seriously, let it go, and realize that 2010 belongs to Aftermath’s newly-minted H.B.I.C. who’s finally slated to release her solo debut album and officially claim a R&B/Soul crown that some believe belongs to: Jazzy..err, maybe Jill, others: Chrisette, Adele or  Alicia and Team:Melanie: well, Melanie.

…Better yet, it doesn’t even matter who your crownee is because we all know who we turn to when we need (Fellas): ‘I’m sorry, I can’t, I have a man and we in luhhh’ to turn into ‘Fuhhh dat N-AAAA, he cheatin’ ent’tee-way, I got condoms in mah purse *Here*’ or (Ladies): ‘Nawl, baby, I aint goin’ down durrr, Nah uh, NOPE’ to turn into ‘Damn, baby, you taste just like candy, like skrawberries, mmmm like some choc’late covered skittles … nam-nam-nam’ …Ha, stop trippin.’ Marsha’s the illest breathin.’ Thank you. Goodnite.

9^th Wonder: The Talented Mr. ‘Wondra.’

Patrick Douthit used to ‘make beats’ (…with Fruity Loops FL Studio) inside his very own recording studio..err, N.C. Central dorm room like many of the thirsty ‘I’m-Da-Next-Kanye’-clones in my ’ole H.U. dorm (…a few doors down from the artsy ‘shirt designers’ and a floor above the business-minded ‘party promoters’…) who wasted the ‘best years of their lives’ ‘trying’ to do what HE had already done once fellow classmates Phonte Coleman and Thomas Jones blessed his beautifully Soul-bejazzled Hip-Hop backdrops: Produce a CLASSIC Hip-Hop record.

From there, Patrick + Thomas + Phonte formed the new-schoolish, Tribe Called Quest-esque underground Hip-Hop trio ‘Little Brother’ (…and the Hip-Hop collective The Justus League…) before officially releasing their delightfully organic, semi-dorm produced opus The Listening (ABB Records), which, to me, ranks as one of the Top-20 Hip-Hop records of our musically-ravaged ‘lost generation’ …

(Legendary producer Pete Rock: ‘The Listening kinda brings me back to the days of when the 90’s was poppin.’ It’s more realistic than what I’m hearing today and sounds like these guys put a lot of work into it. I love this album. Classic.’)

Please. Disagree. I dare you… or simply just nod and smile because you, like me, could not stop nodding to the critically-adored Indie triumph that formally introduced Hip-Hop heads to the game’s master Soul samplist/‘Oldie-But-Goodie’ cratesmith/Midas-touched MP maestro (now) known as Patrick Douthit 9^th Wonder aka ‘Ninff Wondra’ who flips, chops & loops the record-crackled soundtracks of our parent’s ‘Soul Glo’-doused ‘wonder years’ better than any other mainstream/underground ‘Soul-sampling’ producer/beatmaker/beat-putterer-togetherer in today’s sample-smacked industry …

Sorry. ‘Ninff’ is iller than your favorite ‘producer’ and boasts the sickest ‘Big Louffa’ V. (See: Median “Comfortable”)/Stylistics (See: Little Brother “Shorty on the Lookout”) samples I’ve ever heard alongside a seemingly never-ending catalogue of genius, how-the-hell-did-he…?!-sample loops like:  A) Curtis Mayfield’s “Back Against The Wall” (Rapper Big Pooh “Scars”) B) Pleasure’s “Reality” (De La Soul “Church”) and C) Billy Paul’s “Word Gets Around” (MURS “Freak These Tales”) that only he (…and maybe DOOM, but I digress…) could’ve weaved into timeless undie-Hip-Hop bangers …

Me? …yea, I’m a Team: ‘Ninff’-ster whose soul blushes whenever his ‘dusty-fingered’ soulscapes bang through my speakers. But, uh, who isn’t?! …other than the stone-cold ‘Ninnff haters’ who blib-blab about the producer’s familiar drum kicks until they’re Smurf-blue in the face instead of celebrating the N.C.-born & raised dorm rat-turnt-mainstream-dabbling-producer with Destiny’s Child (“Is She The Reason”), Hov (“Threat”) & MJB (“Good Woman Down”) production credits waving at ‘them’ from the top of his resume … *Hi Haters* …

…Ha, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t hate on a world-renown producer currently instructing a production-related course (“Sampling Soul”) at a prestigious institution (Duke U.) based on the very thing that his ‘beat haters’ HATE on … But, uh, that’s just ME …what the hell do I know?! … *Kanye shrug*

Eric Roberson: R&B/Soul’s Most Known Unknown.

Eric Roberson could step into your house TO-DAY and sing the ‘SMOOV’est song you’ve never heard — off the dome — about the stack of ‘ain’t-gon’-be-paid’ bills on your living room table, few days old ‘spasghetti’-stained dishes in your kitchen sink and illegal cable connection ‘hidden’ behind your 46’’ plasma while you nodded to his every word — thoroughly intrigued and deeply ashamed — wondering how you, a ‘Soul head,’ could say: Huh, Eric Who?! whenever fellow Soul heads gushed about the undisputed, severely underrated (…often overlooked and musically unappreciated…) face of the Indie-Soul/progressive Nu-Soul musical movement …

As much as I dig Dwele, ‘Radio’ Raheem D., Ant Hamilton, Ant David & LL Cool Jesse B., there’s no way I’d rock with any of them over the shea-buttery, baby’s-booteez-cheeks-‘smoov’-voiced singer/songwriter/producer who, in my ‘humble’ opinion, is the dopest pure Soul sanga in the game with a platinum pen (Dwele “Hold On”/Vivian Green “Love Rollercoaster”/Musiq “Previous Cats”) + a golden collection of timeless gems spread across his latest (near classic) albums …Left (See: “Been In Love” Feat. Phonte) & Music Fan First (See: “The Newness”), earlier work The Vault 1.5 (See: “Couldn’t Hear Me” & The Appetizer (See: “N2U” Feat. Marsha) and rewind-worthy collabs (See: J. Rawls “Pleasure & Pain”) …

Believe me, there’s no one (…other than *Maxwell…) touching ‘Erro’ (Yea, OK, his mama named him Eric, but his fans — his REAL fans — call him ‘Erro’) — Soul’s most known unknown — who gives one of the dopest live (Soul) shows you’ll ever experience (…especially for $17-$20) …or attempt to experience, if you’re able to beat the legions of fanatical Erro-heads to the venue for his (usually) sold out, ultra-packed, oft-improv’d shows (Erro: ‘What do ya’ll want me to sing about?!’ … Crowd: ‘Sexy shoulder blades, pretty ankle bones and Gummi Bears!’ … Erro: ‘OK, cool, let’s do it …’ *kills it*) …

Having met and vibed with Jersey’s-own Eric Roberson, I can honestly say he’s one of the coolest + humblest ‘Da-Otha H.U.’grads artists I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. He’s also an iller freestylist than 99% of ‘working rappers’ today and a warm-spirited crowd pleaser who adores his deeply-supportive fans. Clearly, at this stage of the game, there’s no excuse for any ‘music lover,’ let alone ‘music head,’ to say: WHO? when asked about ‘Erro’ or his latest album Music Fan First — one of ’09’s best. Seriously, stop moving left and get right… or, just get familiar. ‘Erro’ IS Soul. He ain’t goin’ NOwhere …

Jaspects: Revenge of the Polkadotted Band Geekz.

The Jaspects were obviously the geeky cool cats on campus (Morehouse) who rocked Polo blazers & pastel-colored bowties to their early classes because they were too fresh, talented and popular on the yard to care that it was 98 degrees outside — Yea, I’d say T. Brown (Keys/Music director), J.C. Sowells (Bass), “HC3” (Drums), “Spacey” Dugger (Tenor-Sax), Stagolee (Alto-Sax) and J. E. King (Trumpet) were the coolest cuttas at camp — the quirkily Jazzmatazzed, Dungeon Fam-inspired ‘so fresh & so cleandeds’ — who Hip-Bopped light years ‘outside the box’ where they perfected their incredibly Cosmo-Funk’d-Electro-Soul-infused brand of socially conscious mood music that currently has ATLiens + music-loving Earthlings throwin’ both of their ‘J’s’ up — HIGH— into the skies …

Not much is known about ‘polkadotted stripes’ or their deep space planet of origin but it’s clear they were speckled all over the genre-bending sextet’s fourth (’05 In ‘House’ Sessions/’06 Broadcasting The Definition/’07 Double Conciousness*Must-Have*) word-of-mouf-hyped indie-release aptly entitled The Polkadotted Stripe, which absolutely ROCKS as an intergalactoSoul-synthed voyage into the musical ‘unknown’ that’s just as creatively intoxicating as it is space-Jazz’d, funk-drunk and instrumentally impeccable…

…And NO, I. Can’t. STOP. Banging. This. Album. It’s just that artistically ‘different’ in the dopest possible way and my tentative selection as 2009’s ‘Album of the Year’ (…with the illest breakdown of the year (See: “Polkadotted Stripe”) …

Before The Polkadotted Stripe, I would’ve helped Hov pine-box Auto-Tune FOR FREE until the Jaspects KILLED “Unifunk” & “Polkadotted Stripe” (My favorite two songs of the year) with the cringe-worthy ‘robo-croon’ effect that actually enhanced the most memorable tracks on the album. Naturally, there will be those who won’t care for their ambitious Auto-Tune dabbling, but most open-minded music heads will, while wondering why chronic vocoderists with major label homes like Ron Browz have NO clue how to prop-er-ly use the acclaimed pitch-correction software that the Jaspects utilized so masterfully without appearing desperate for mainstream attention …

But, then again, the Jaspects are TRUE musicians with a deep appreciation for the musical arts that comes across during their enjoyably frenetic live shows where they bust moves, rock mics and play their own instruments for ‘good music’-feenin’  crowds across the nation. Sadly, 8 out of every 10.5 ‘music heads’ have no idea who the Jaspects are, what they are or why they should even care about a few random “Morehouse Men” with talent & a dream which is why I’m now formally introducing them to you, them and anyone who claims there’s no bands like them patiently waiting to be discovered.

I say: GET FAMILIAR. And then, when you finally do, crank your Jaspects’ record to ele’ben and throw your ‘J’s’ up — HIGH — into the skies.

*By the way, I’m in LOVE with Chantae Cann’s voice. YES, she’s the up-and-coming soulstress who murders the breakdown on “Polkadotted Stripe” …She’s also featured on the absolutely stunning “Find My Way To Love” … Trust me. She’s official.

Nicolay: The Re-Birth of Nu-Cool

When Netherlander Nicolay ‘connected’ with N.C. upstart Phonte on the innanet (okayplayer.com) nearly a decade ago, he had never met the uber-talented rappa-sanga before sending him a soulfully-infectious collection of head-nodders to write to, croon over and send back to be mastered until they = (Phonte + Nicolay) = ‘Foreign Exchange’ joined together to promote the finished product: 2004’s hidden jewel Connected — one of the dopest full-length infusions of Hip-Hop/Nu-Soul/R&B to ever be released (…and subsequently ignored by the mainstream’s musical gate keepers…)

…Nevertheless, new-age Soul heads pledged allegiance to Nicolay’s ‘smooved’-out synths/delectable melodies that pushed Connected into cult classic status while setting the tone for the Euro-wonder’s successful solo ventures Time:Line & Here (See: “I Love The Way You Love”(Feat. D. Brock), “Tight Eyes” (Feat. The Luv Bugz & Oh No) & “My Story” (Feat. Sy Smith & Kay) and 2008’s unforgettable re-connection with Phonte (Foreign Exchange’s) Leave It All Behind which cemented ‘Nicolay’ as the ‘smoovest’ beatmaker/composer in the game not named Dwele, J. Rawls or Zo! (respectfully) …

…Although Nicolay’s virtually unknown to everyday ‘music heads’ currently indulging in faux-(Nu)-Soul headlined by confused ‘soul artists’ like Jaz ‘The Caw Winduh Busta’ Sullivan, there’s no denying his undying commitment to preserving the actual SOUL in Soul music both inside the studio and on the road with Foreign Exchange — the most successful Soul-collective in today’s soul-starved industry… (Foreign Exchange > Platinum Pied Pipers) …

…Maybe now, after reading this, you’ll weave through the post-Foreign Exchange show mob to take a few pics with the lesser-known Nicolay rather than Phonte, who’s usually surrounded by overly-aggressive male/female groupies — Yep, just look for the tall, lanky white dude in the corner by the keyboards — He’s usually the coolest cat in the room …

Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham: The Rise & Fall… & Rise? of Drizzy F. Baby.

Never has a MEGA-hyped underground sensation nobody gone from being the dopest unsigned hypester on the globe to the dopiest P.R. FAILure in the galaxy in a mere matter of months… err, that is… until Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham aka Canada’s great lite-brite hype rocketed into superstardom with his globally-droOled-over ‘mixtalbum’ So Far Gone — that spawned two consecutive ‘Song of the Year’ candidates “Best I Ever Had” & “Successful” — before plummeting into uberwhackdom when he:

A) performed his ultra-explicit misogo-smash ‘Every Girl’ in a wheelchair — for a record-setting BET Awards viewing audience — with a slew of underaged ‘hypegirls’ (…aka Weezy’s daughter & friends) on-stage … (Drake on BET Awards debacle: “It was just timed very poorly and it definitely wasn’t planned like that” … “To anyone who was offended, my personal apologies; it wasn’t intended to offend anybody”) *Cue: Homer: ‘D’oh!’*

B) starred in a skank-juice splattered video for his chart-smashing single “Best I Ever Had” that he later apologized to his female fans for releasing …(Drake on soft-pornish music video debacle: “I guess one thing I didn’t consider is what the song personally means to a lot of women” … “To those women, I apologize. I do apologize. My intention wasn’t to put anyone down. It was to make them laugh. I wanted people to see something visually different.”) *Cue: Homer: ‘D’oh!’*

C) crumpled into a pathetic, tragedy-pinched chumpling on-stage during the America’s Most Wanted Music Festival (Feat. Weezy, Jeezy & Soulja Boy) at the height of his meteoric ascension into the Hip-Pop stratosphere despite being told by Doctors NOT to perform on his shredded ACL … (Drake on stage collapse debacle: “I blacked out and really forgot I was injured. I was just so full of adrenaline, so happy to be there, it kind of set in for me”) *Cue: Ed Lover: ‘C’Mon Son!’*

D) signed his soul over to an insanely impregnatious, sizzurp-sloshing hobgoblin named Dwayne Carter who consistently placed him in the worst possible situations at the worst possible times while slowly siphoning away his mega-hype to fuel his own solar system-sized ego/insatiable craving for mainstream publicity … *Cue: Super Mario Death Ditty*: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHJSZSRSljk

…And somehow, these events occurred only weeks after the lyrically dexteritous uber-MC (…“I’ma rapper-turnt-singer and you can tell that he smoke/I don’t need no vocal cords/All I hit is C-Notes/N.E.R.D. flow, I spaz if I’m provoked/I’m about to change the F@#$# game/Pass the remote…”)/melody hummer (See: “Lust For Life”) emerged from the underground as the *gasp* FUTURE of Hip-Hop’s future + second-coming of (Golden-Era Hova) + (Pre-Bad Boy Biggie) + (Post-9 bullet-50 (Cent) …

…Dammit, ‘Drizzy’ Drake was Neo (the one), Luke Skywalker (the chosen one) & Bruce LeRoy (the one + ‘the glow’) com-bined to many mainstream Hip-Hop consumers who had never heard of the ex-child TV star until Weezy publicly co-signed him as the next, best HIM…

…But REAL-Hip-Hoppers?! …We ‘been known’ Aubrey, and wept the day he broke up with Hip-Hop to pledge allegiance to the house that Weezy baby daddy built… Yea, ‘Drizzy’ was Hip-Hop’s most-recent #1 Draft Pick and brought ‘hope’ to Hip-Hop, but his Kanye-esque, underdog-allure was gone; He was no longer the ‘misunderestimated’ Hip-Hop hybrid that murdered every (dope) track (9^th Wonder, Slakah..etc..) he breathed on (‘…My reality is brighter than your dreams are/I got your dream girl ridin’ in your dream car…”) with a who’s who of talented somewhat known/underground MC/vocalists (Phonte, Dwele, Elzhi, Kardinall Offishall..etc..)

..NOPE, Drake was now Drizzy F. Baby — another syrupy Hip-POPpist with a nauseating Auto-Tune fetish, cringe-worthy ‘super-crew’ (Young Money) and steadily declining non-POP following …

…However, in spite of my better judgment, I’ll overlook Aubrey’s post-Weezy-wrecked career path to focus solely on his Hip-Hop intangibles/lyrical prowess/triple threat appeal effortlessly displayed throughout his older mixtapes Comeback Season/Room For Improvement when his collabs with Little Brother “Don’t You Have A Man”/ “Think Good Thoughts” and Dwele “Deceiving” slowly seeped into my cerebral (Hip-Hop) subconciousness …

… Come Feb. 14, 2010, we’ll all (officially) know where Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham stands as an artist, an MC and a serious triple threat … Where will YOU be when Thank Me Later drops?!? …

Wale: DMV Dreamin’

He’s ‘not the next Biggie… he’s not the next Jay… he’s not the next Nas… he’s the first Wale’ — a beat murking punch-line ripper who’s DESPISED by ‘Hipster Haters’ and beloved by progressive Hip-Hopsters who swear by the scatterbrainded spitsmith’s mambo sauce-dipped bars that easily catapulted him into Hip-Hop’s mainstream/homes of POP-diseased suburbanites who had never banged ‘Go-Go’ until “Pretty Girls” beat its feet through their Bose stereo systems …

…Say what you want about the ultra-cocky (‘…I spit nasty/My tongue need a rubber homes…’), sports fanatical (‘…I’m just payin’ homage/If I ain’t strive to be Sean (Carter)..I’d..End..Up..like KiJana…’) DMV-reppin’ young’n and his psycho-frenetic ‘Waco’ flow… (but) dude’s next-level potential is undeniable like his firm grasp on a D.C. Hip-Hop movement that nearly spiraled into irrelevancy (…like the Redskins/Wizards…) before he dropped the classic Seinfeld-themed Mixtape About Nothing marking the (official) beginning of Wale’s come-up as the first major rap act to rep our nation’s capital (…or greater DM minus V area) on wax…

…And please, don’t spam me, questioning me about Wale’s inclusion in this blog until you’ve thoroughly digested the Mixtape About Nothing/(9^th Wonder collab) Back to the Feature/100 Miles & Running and listened closely to his “Hacksaw Jim Duggan”/“2^nd Time Around”/“Rediscover Me” verses that served as fitting preludes to his major record deal with Mark Ronson’s Allido records/Interscope and upcoming debut album Attention: Deficit that dropped on Nov. 10 …

…Whether you love Wale Folaren… or hate the DMV-MC…you’ll always remember his name …Hell, he says it every few bars … (My name Wale… dutta da .. dutta da .. dutta da dee … My name Wale… Haaa ) … Attention: Deficit … In MOST stores NOW… COP it!

Chrisette Michele: Little Miss SunSOULshine

Chrisette Michele’s debut album I Am was everything that I never expected a Def Jam release by a Neo-Soulstress to be: nostalgic, organic and soulfully refreshing — It was truly a musical tour de force considering the storied record label’s modern infatuation with syrup-smathered POP music while shining as one of the crowning achievements of the now-defunct, although highly-successful ‘Carter Administration’ responsible for The-Dream, Jeezy, Fabo-Loso, Ne-Yo, RiRi Fierce & Officer Ricky Walrus..etc…

…As the youngest member of the mega-label’s oft-ignored ‘Def Soul’ division, Chrisette killed ’em softly with her vicious vibrato, cutesy elegance and spunky spirit that slowly, but surely nudged I Am onto most ’07 must-cop lists despite a low-key marketing approach by Hov (…and the Carter Cabinet) who eventually ‘dropped the label’ that Ricky & Russy built to focus on his own Roc Nation imprint/solo ventures …

At that point, Chrisette tumbled to the bottom of the label’s star-studded roster where she was later watered down + repackaged as a ‘Contemporary R&B/Soul’ artist by L.A. G’Reid who probably water-boarded the helpless soulstess until she chirped half-hearted, vibrato-free vocals over Ne-Yo’s redundant backdrops that encompassed her overly-formulaic sophomore album Epiphany — an utterly disappointing mish mash of B-sides/throwaway tracks with no heart, substance or purpose for even being recorded…

Naturally, Team: Chrisette swooned over the soul-stripped, commercially-appealing Epiphany — which debuted at #1 on the charts (83K sold) — while I slept through the lifeless montage of songs during my desperate attempts to give it a third, fourth or fifth listen before officially .. A) launching my ‘FREE Chrisette Michele from Def Jam NOW campaign’  .. B) pretending that Epiphany never really dropped, or was somehow shelved indefinitely .. C) adding Chrisette to my ‘confused soul sangas’ list with Jazmine Sullivan, Musiq, Raheem D., Robin Thicke and Ledisi …

…But, then again, the Grammy-winning N.Y.-native is only 26 and steadily developing as a young (newish) artist who’s widely-recognized by many, including me, as one of the hottest new-age soulstresses in the game which is why I’ve blessed her with a  golden *DO-OVER* ticket for Epiphany and anything Epiphany-related… *Hands Chrisette golden ticket*

…At the end of the day, she’s a pure Soul singer who would SHINE on a niche label like Hidden Beach Records known for molding young soul artists into globally-adored superstars (Jill Scott) without stripping them of their artistic integrity…*deep sigh* … Hopefully, she’ll realize this sooner, before later, and rips her burgeoning career from L.A. G’Reid’s clutches before he locks her in the studio with Ne-Yo (again) to record another anti-Soul record featuring RiRi yodel-libs, a Brutha duet (YES! Brutha = Def Jam) & a Ricky Walrus/Jeremih collab… Please Chrisette, MOVE (…THE HELL…) on… Def Jam doesn’t luhhh you, and never EV-ER will …

DOOM: The Madness Behind The Mask.

The masked wiggity-wacko formerly known as Daniel Dumile probably scarfed down hearty globs of caweepy crawluhs + Elmer’s glue + melted crayon sauce as a pooty-pants’d mini-McDOOMling before morphing into the grimy McSlimy stoOpa-producer/MC known as ‘DOOM’ — the dopest, most gibberish-spittin’-est (‘…Goony goo-goo loony koo-koo like Gary Gnu off New Zoo Review/But who knew the mask had a loose screw?/Hell could hardly tell/Had to tighten it up like the Drells and Archie Bell…’) whack-job dwelling in the grime-smeared nether-regions of underground Hip-Hop…

…Err, and NO, I’ve never ever (truly) seen the slop-crusted cook-ball’s mask-cloaked face (‘…Take it from the dude who wears mask like a tarded helmet…’) even if he’s one of the Top-7 dopest beatmakers/crate diggers in the game with a hilariously nonsensical flow that’s so insanededly ridiculous that you’ll wonder if he ever stopped eating glue + crayon sauce-coated insects (‘…Wylin,’ get me every red penny/Sold a lonely only child a imaginary enemy…’)

*smh* …Yeaaa, uhh, I’d say DOOM (M.F. Doom = Viktor Von Doom = KMD’s Zev Love X) is utterly insane, but there’s no denying his incredible ear for obscure, often unfindable Soul/Rock/Pop samples (Ex: Cortex “Huit Octobre 1971,” See: “One Beer”/Waldir Calmon “Airport Love Theme, See: “Curls”) featured on conceptually clever albums like the cooky, cuisine-crazed Mmm…Food? (See: “Hoe Cakes” = Anita Baker’s “Sweet Love” peppered with JJ Fad “SUPAs” + DOOM vocals… WHAT?!) or the diabolically soul-dusted Madlib-collab (DOOM + Madlib = Madvillain) Madvillainy (See: “Fancy Clown”)…

For now, DOOM thrives as a widely-ignored enigma whose latest indie-released gem Back Like That out-sold Mims’ heavily-promoted album Guilt on the ‘strenf’ of his major cult following that exploded once savvy Hip-Hoppers realized (that) he was scoring the audibly-deranged Adult Swim cartoon series … Yea, OK, I know, DOOM will never be for everyone but HE IS for those serious music lovers desperately seeking an audibly-potent dose of Top-40/sing-along-songy escapism… It’s true: We ALL wear masks (Whatchu know ’bout Paul Lawrence Dunbar?!) like DOOM during our everyday walks of life. Embrace it. After all, DOOM does …

Jazmine Sullivan: The FUTURE of R&B/Soul?! Really?!

I RE-fuse to GO IN on the laziest, most anti-successfo underachiever in R&B Jazmine Sullivan, yet again, and offer my apologies to the Soul-smiting Soul-smitten sanga, her wretched wonderful stylist and bumbaclot brilliant manager for (editorially) smashing well-deserved undeserved holes into their woefully-unsuccessful wonderfully-successful Soul&B movement like the tint-cloaked windshields that she inspired crazed ex-lovers to shatter into a zillion jagged pieces …

…Hopefully, Jazzy & her atrocious amazing team will forgive me for criticizing her nowhere-bound career and realize that she is, and will always be, one of the biggest busts of my generation my musical muse whose beautifully soul-kissed pipes are the ONLY reason why she’s included in this blog. exquisite R&B transcendence solidified her spot in this blog… For those of you who missed my VERY appropriate inappropriate letter to the heartstring plucking generic-song singer vocalist, here it is I’d rather you never read it:

Link: http://www.emqtv.com/emq/news/122/ARTICLE/1389/2009-10-06.html

Once again, I sincerely warn you to fire your mama as your Manager, hire a new stylist who doesn’t squeeze you into smedium outfits and demand that your label  remove Missy from your recording sessions before you’re career ends before it ever really started. apologize for my damn good career advice disparaging remarks and wish Jazmine ‘Caw Winduh Busta’ Sullivan much success in her future job search/background singing career. endeavors …

Alejandro. The GREAT

Twitter: http://twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8

This has been another Alejandro presentation.

“Do you ask a Dolphin how it swims, or an eagle how it flies … That’s right you don’t! Because that’s what they were made to do!” — Willy Wonka

Now to be clear, ME = Mary Mary FAN who actually copped Thankful and Mary Mary featuring the smashes “Shackles” and “Heaven” (…and “The Real Party”) when the uber-talented twosome masterfully bridged the gap between the club and the pulpit with POP-glossed gospel records (…without crossing THE LINE) that were embraced by both the tambourine-tapping traditionalists and dressed-down new-agers of the Church.

However, after experiencing mega-crossover success as the gorgeous new faces of contemporary gospel music, the Christ-kissed chanteuses slithered out of their wholesome ‘Church Girl’ images into matching bustiers before re-launching themselves into the mainstream as EX-Jesus groupies desperately seeking worldly recognition (…and the almighty secular dollar) with their fifth studio release The Sound.

But then again, who am I to GO IN on the Grammy-winning, platinum-selling publicity-fiends who feature the chest-thumping bar spitter David Banner — whose best known for his smut-soaked club anthem “Play” … *Cue The Hook* … “Cum girl, I’m tryna get your p*ssy wet…” *PAUSE* — on their dreadful (T.I. & Rihanna) “Live Your Life” rip-off “Super Friend” and foolishly sprinkle their heavily Auto-Tuned, 808-riddled club bangers like “God In Me” with just enough ‘Jesuses’ here and ‘I heart Gods’ there to certify them as a gospel group?!’

…Well, to be honest, I’m nothing more than a reality-bitten bloggist ballsy enough to publicly denounce Mary Mary’s ME-first, God-second approach to gospel music and expose the genre bending sex symbols for what they really are: A Holier Than Thou Changing Faces re-boot specializing in R&B head-nodders with a Christian/Inspirational twist.

Face it, “God In Me” is “Buy You A Drank” + “Blame It” splashed with Holy Water and certainly doesn’t uplift God or minister to any of these church-ditching Hip-Hoppers devoid of any tangible relationship with God while having everything to do with spiritually conflicted artists looking to stay relevant (relevant = cater to skinny jeans-rockers, club boppers and trendy album coppers) in a recession-ravaged recording industry.

…Don’t agree?! … then I suggest you cut the T-Painish trunk rattler’s bass down and listen closely to its message that encourages the flaunting of possessions to others as a way to convey that it’s not just you, but the God in you that allows you to posses these material things…

…Err, and YES, that would be a form of ‘prosperity’ teaching (Prosperity Teaching = Pastor: ‘Look at what I have … you can have it too if you accept God into your life … and tithe regularly) usually reserved for mega-church Pastors (…like the Creflo Dollars or Bishop Eddie Longs) and NOT secularized gospel anthems.

Seriously people, instead of wasting your lives away condemning this blog because I questioned your favorite gospel duo’s *Gospel Card* holder’s status, I highly recommend you stop two-stepping to the “God In Me” (Right Hand of Fellowship Remix) during Sunday service and understand that you’re being spiritually bamboozled by wanna-be starlets who obviously care more about adding zeros to their bank account balances than making quality gospel music.

Believe me, if Erica and Tina were really as ‘genuine’ as their legions of defendists claim they are then they never would’ve pretended to be Destiny’s Child by demanding more food (…along with a Bible-thick pamphlet of outrageous requests) than Jesus served the Disciples during ALL of the suppers combined from my alma mater’s radio station in exchange for a Homecoming performance and a few interviews. (Hampton U. to Mary Mary = Stay Home).

…And if that’s ‘acceptable’ for gospel artists, then I suppose Tina’s ultra-tight liquid leggings that she rocked during the duo’s nationally televised BET Awards performance were Jesus-approved along with their LL Cool J collab “We’re Gonna Make It” and the contribution of their vintage hip-twister “The Sound” to the Cadillac Records Soundtrack.

…Pssh, at this point, I’m willing to bet ANY gospel enthusiast a tithe envelope stuffed with freshly minted ‘Geoffrey Dollars’ that the Heavens frown on Mary Mary’s brand of Hip-Pop-infused gospel and I truly believe that their music confuses struggling Christians by blurring the lines between the gospel and secular worlds while also dividing the church.

(‘Half of the church’ = Understand that gospel can be packaged in any musical form; “God In Me”/“Get Up” are wonderful ways to minister to the youth who aren’t regularly exposed to traditional gospel Vs. ‘The Other Half’ = We’re dressing, acting and speaking like the world yet still professing our love for Christ. We’re supposed to stand out not blend in… Either you’re on Team Christ or you’re not …)

*And, uh, I’m no Pastor but the following scriptures support ‘The Other Half’s point: A) James 1:8 = “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways” B) Revelation 3:15 = “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!”*

To me, Erica and Tina (…along with Erica’s husband/Talented beatmaker Warryn Campbell = Kanye’s “We Major/Homecoming” …Snoop “Ups & Downs” …Mos Def “Sex, Love & Money) sold their souls with The Sound, which to date, is their lowest selling album (The Sound = 287K records sold) and crossed the (gospel) LINE that even Kirk Franklin managed to respect as a fellow platinum-selling ‘Holy-Hip-Hoppist.’

Even though Kirk jiggled and jammed through the pues during his boundary-pushing days as the face of “The Family”/“God’s Property,” his music was still ‘churchy,’ contained three-part harmonies and was always an uptempo favorite in every Church I’ve ever visited.

But don’t get it twisted, this is not a personal attack on Mary Mary or any other artists (Me = Canton Jones FAN) currently incorporating Hip-Hop into their gospel music, but rather me being honest (…and fair) about the duo’s blatant attempt to reach a broader audience by ‘doing as the sinners do’ while continuing to market their music as ‘Contemporary Gospel.’

At the end of the day, if strippers can pop to it, clubbers can grind to it and the church band can barely crank out a decipherable version of it on Sundays, then it’s probably NOT a gospel record. In fact, the only Mary Mary jam that I’ve ever heard choirs sing consistently is “Shackles” and that was their first and biggest smash.

Think about it, there’s a reason why “God In Me” is played more on Urban/Adult Contemporary radio than gospel stations and smashed between Drake’s “Best I Ever Had,” the “Stanky Leg” and Young Money’s “Every Girl” all day, every day. If you like the banger, rock to it, but don’t be naïve and add it to your ‘gospel mix’ or attempt to convince people like me to look past the Auto-Tune/bass-heavy synth-claps and embrace the message because, at that point, it won’t be about the “God In Me” but rather the “Fool In You.”

This has been another Alejandro presentation.

“For those of you that think gospel music has gone too far; You think we’ve gotten too radical with our message; Well I got news for ya’… You ain’t heard nothin’ yet… And if you don’t know, now ya’ know … Glory Glory! — Kirk Franklin, ’97

2009.

2005. Wholesome…

2002. Wholesomer…

Debut Album. Wholesomest…

…And back to the future.

… Yessss… rock those hips … for the Lord …

… Throw ya handssss up!

…When I say Holy … you say Ghost!

Liquid Leggings = Jesus approved?! …

Couldn’t forget about David Banner …

Uh …

Contemporary Gospel 2009 … Canton is my dude…but this album cover embodies everything that’s WRONG with Hip-Hop …

.. Hmm

Popular Holy-Hip-Hoppist …

… Err, Kellz

… how about Bleek …

… by now, I’m sure you get the ‘point’

Holy-Hip-Hoppist Viktory

T.I.

Familiar? … I mean, I’m just sayin’ …

… Tonex ‘gospel innovator’

… You already know …

Has gospel gone too far? … You be the judge …

Dammit DEAR Jazzy, I’m officially DONE with your uber-talented, soul-singing azz and can’t believe you’re still a new artist a year after dropping a #1 club banger as a, well, new artist …

…And YES, I said it Cotton FACE, A NEW ARTIST… who remains virtually unknown to the masses and a question mark-faced mystery to music heads like myself who wouldn’t recognize you if you posed in front of your own life-sized billboard while singing “Lions, Tigers & Bears.”

Seriously, who the F@#$ is your manager and why are they still pretending to manage YOU?! …I mean DAMN, did you even sign a legit record deal where J Records agreed to promote you at some point during your lifetime… And if you did, was it scribbled in orange crayon or doodled with a ‘Mortimer Ichabod’ marker?! …

…Yeaaaa OK, I know, Missy McChubbs promised that ‘things’ would get better before they grew worst, but that was probably after the irrelevant track-wrecker used you to stay relevant by masquerading as your mentor in order to scream “Yes, I’m really this desperate” over your hottest records (…that she supposedly ‘produced’) with your reggae-tinged chart smasher “Need U Bad” aka your dopest record to date being the most victimized …

Believe me Jazzy, you were R&B/Soul’s #1 Draft Pick and definitely would’ve stolen at least one of Adele’s coveted Grammy’s if J Records would’ve allowed you to embrace your Philly roots instead of (ramming a loaded 4-5 into your temple and…) forcing you to record that whack azz McFAILure (…with extra FAIL sauce) Fearless along with the nearly career-murdering femme-failure “Bust Your Windows.”

Err, wait, did you hear that?! …Uh, yeaaaa…defffff-initely was RiRi Fierce sucking the life out of the “Run This Town” hook that begged for your soul-punishing vocals which, to me, are a close fourth to J. Hud’s, J-I-LL’s and Marsha’s respectively…

Face it Jaz Marie, you’re an R&B tragedy waiting to happen and will find yourself singing back-up for Jill Scott if you don’t 8-6 your manager, dismiss your stylist, request to be released from your POP-obsessed label, drop a LIVE album and consistently attach yourself to major Tours instead of indulging in extended beauty siestas while vocally-inept starlets like Keri, CiCi and RiRi cash hefty checks that should’ve been deposited in YOUR bank account…

But NOPE, you’d rather drop generic anti-anthems like ‘Dream Big’ while rotting in front of the boob tube with your hands buried in the Kettle-cooked chip bag and star in your own corny azz Cotton commercials without ever demanding the game’s full and undivided attention like Mary, Erykah, India, Jill, Alicia, Lauryn and Keyshia were able to do as famished up-and-coming soulstresses …

Think about it, every one of those mega-stars dropped classic debut records that earned platinum plaques while you rise & shine every afternoon with a tragically-flawed debut album on your resume that probably won’t even go Gold (447K sold to date)…And please, dead this ‘…but, it’s a Recession…’ bullll shieeet because J. Hud, Jamie, Bey and Keyshia…etc… still managed to move over 800K records during a dead period when NO ONE was buying records …

…*Heavy Sigh*…but then again, I’ll understand if you don’t respond to this letter and continue to allow your manager to ignore texts/e-mails/messages from the producers of The View/Ellen/Regis & Kelly/Oprah/Tonite Show…etc.., neglect major mag editors interested in giving you the cover and shoot down movie roles for music-themed films …

…Ha, it’s cool though…why the hell would you want to follow in Lauryn Hill’s footsteps anyway…you know, the chick you’re always foolishly compared to… After all, she did blow after starring in Sister Act II… and is currently recognized as a living legend…err, or used to be… *shrugs* …

…Hell, if Jennifer Hudson can fall out of the sky and win an Oscar and Fantasia can shine on Broadway, then I know you have the ability to be more than just some uber-talented underachiever whose been nominated for 8 music-related Awards (…including Grammy’s) and only walked away with 2 from the… *sigh* …BET Awards …Err, pardon my sky high standards, but in my eyes, that’s a ’got dayum shame!

So there, my pen finally shed the last of its tears on this pad, but I can only hope that my words motivate you to detach your body from your marshmallow soft Queen B. tomorrow (…before noon) and dedicate yourself to becoming the illest soulstress in the game that we all thought you would be by now (…Err, and should be ya damn slacktress!) … And with that said, I wish you much success …

Love,

Alejandro Ford
http://twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8

P.S.

Don’t ever let me see you singing your heart out for another globally-ignored artist like Ace Hood again. Thank you.

This has been another Alejandro presentation.

… I wouldn’t be surprised if this is Jazmine Sullivan’s WORST readily available photo … … err, and did I mention that her toes are longer than her shoes?! … smh … Yeaa Yeaaa, we know Jazzy, you haaaaad to have those shoes even if they were a half-size too small … gotcha

… I’m not scareddddd of liiiiiiiiiiiiions, Tiiiiiiiiiiiiigers and Beaaaaaaaaaars … and shagggggy weaaaaave and baggyyyyy tightttttts (see below) …

J. Sulli lookin’ like the fifth Ghostbuster …

smh … damn Jazzy … those tights are obviously not tight … Hell, they’re baggy … and have a kangaroo pouch in the front …

…Coooooottooooon … the fabric of our livessssssss … *PAUSE* … I truly believe that this extended jingle is hotter than most of the songs on her album …

… It’s OK… I believe in you Jazzy … and pray that you’ll take control of your career …

Whitney Houston is no longer shouting out her love for the infamous Bobby Brown in courtrooms; instead, she’s blowing out lyrical melodies on her much-anticipated album, “I Look to You.”

Do not call it a comeback because she’s been here for years. Since her last album six years ago, Houston’s personal tragedies have flooded headlines and now she’s reclaiming her throne as an untouched talented songstress.  ImageThe album, which is half good, half forgettable, but never lame, hit stores yesterday. All 11 tracks are streaming live on whitneyhouston.com. Although the singer looks tired on the album’s cover, she sings of tackling her demons with a refreshing clarity.

Her highs aren’t quite as high anymore and that famous throaty low is now an awkward drag queen husky.

On the first single, “Million Dollar Bill,” produced by Swizz Beatz, Houston lets it all hang out without overbearing digital trickery. It is a surprising moment that reminds the listener that in spite all of her tabloid trappings; she’s still a fabulous singer with stellar control and phrasing.

The up-tempo, joyful track about love is arguably one of the most energetic songs Houston has ever done. “Million Dollar Bill” has an amazing bass line and almost recalls the late Michael Jackson in “Off The Wall” with catchy hook, “you make me feel like a million dollar bill.” Her vocals are strong and it doesn’t appear as if she’s trying to compete with teenagers.

Although the album’s second half loses its catch, there are nice singles to be discovered. Stargate, the Norwegian producers that made Beyonce’s, “Irreplaceable” a smash, produced the mid-tempo, “Call You Tonight.” This track is fun and mature and a song everyone can relate to.

Heavily produced, it was sometimes difficult to adjust to hearing a pure vocalist like Houston sing on top of such a heavily produced track.  “Call You Tonight” is reminiscent of one of the better tracks from 2002’s, “Just Whitney.”

In the R. Kelly produced, “Salute,” Houston is saying goodbye to a former lover who has done her wrong, and she’s letting go with no anger. She confidently and bolds serenades, “I salute you” in this strictly R&B track. Could Houston be referring to the troublesome Bobby Brown? Who’s to say?

Houston delivers meaningful lyrics and worked with the best in the music industry to produce a fresh album that will make her a positive household name.

Houston tried a few comeback albums during her troubled times, but there was always a level of insincerity and false confidence to each. Something was wrong, and fans knew it. This album is far more humble and confident.

Compared to all of the modern-day studio singers that need to be digitally enhanced to sell a record, it is nice to have a “real” singer re-surface.

Comment on this article

KeJuana Stanley writes for The Famuan, the Florida A&M University student newspaper, which originally published this article.

The Famuan

Matthew Richardson

“Why hide music from your parents?” some may ask. Well, my family is deeply rooted in Christianity.    

My father is a pastor of a church in Tallahassee named Jesus Apostolic, not to mention the slew of uncles and aunts who are pastors, deacons, or evangelists.  So, while some other parents might not find problems with listening to secular music, I was told not to, or else. As a result, hip-hop music became my alcohol.    

I remember the first hip-hop song I heard that I couldn’t get enough of: Fabolous’s “Young’n (Holla Back)”. The single from his first album was back in 2001, so you know how sheltered I was.     

I would jam out in my brother’s red Honda CR-X because that was the only place I could get my buzz without being caught. After that, I wanted more. I loved the beats, the rhymes, and the style. Everything about hip-hop I loved. But come Sunday morning, it was back to the choir and back to traditional praise and worship songs—nothing wrong with that—but I guess you could call my thoughts being more focused on hip-hop while in church, a “hangover.”    

The first album I bought was 50 Cent’s The Massacre in 2005. After that, I bought Nas’ “Illmatic”. To this day I have 255 albums in my collection, with only 46 being Christian CDs. Do my parents know? Of course not. They have threatened to both my older siblings and I that if a secular album were found it would be thrown away.    

The bible doesn’t say anything about what type of music we should listen to; however, my parents read to me a few scriptures that may pertain to secular music.      
 
I Corinthians 10:31 reads: “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
  
I’m pretty sure plenty of hip-hop music isn’t encouraging me to glorify God. So what excuse could I give them after that? None. So when it came to me watching BET’s Rap City Program while I was home alone and I heard my parents walking through the door, I would turn away from it like it was Cinemax…After Dark. And when it came to me having my enormous album book, I would hide it under my bed.

What can I say, I do it for hip-hop.

Matthew Richardson is staff editor of The Famuan, the Florida A&M University student newspaper, which originally published this article. Article courtesy of the Black College Wire.

Seriously though, Brown looked nervous and uncomfortable, but more importantly he portrayed himself as an illiterate celebrity in desperate need of good public relations.

As Brown sat between his mother and lawyer, he continuously looked down as he answered, or didn’t answer, Larry King’s questions. This was Brown’s chance to gain some redemption for his atrocious acts, but instead he seemed as if he was putting on a façade to be apologetic.

When King asked about the incidents that occurred, Brown’s repeated responses were, “I don’t know” or “Out of respect for her [Rihanna] and

Marlon Williams. Photo Credit: The Famuan

 myself, I don’t want to discuss that.” But the response that tickled my feather the most was, “I don’t remember.” Really? You don’t remember beating Rihanna to oblivion, while you were driving? You don’t remember busting her upside the head and threatening to kill her? When did you get amnesia? If you can’t remember that, either you were high on Rick James’ cocaine or you’re bipolar.

King was very amiable, but took no pity on Brown. He asked the hard questions and Brown refused to answer. King continuously referred to the police affidavit to jog Brown’s memory, but Brown couldn’t answer anything because he had a case of amnesia. King asked Brown about controlling his anger. Brown said he is young and learning. He also said, “Nobody wrote a book on how to control our anger and emotions.” So, you need a book to tell you how to do that? No, you need some home training. By the way, there are many books about anger management, but by listening to him speak, I don’t think he does much reading. Eventually, Brown seemed to get frustrated with King’s questions, and I’m sure King felt Brown was wasting his time.

Brown reminded me of a fourth-grader at a parent-teacher conference because he barely spoke for himself. Brown’s lawyer and mother, who was dressed as if she just left Wednesday night church service, constantly spoke up for him. If he was prepped on anything, it was to not say much, which from a PR perspective is a bad move; silence will only hurt you.

Honestly, I think Chris should make a deal to have a reality show about anger management counseling on Vh1. What better way to boost his career back into gear?   

He should do a reality show or a sex tape. That seems to be the trend anyway.

What may be over is Chris Brown’s career. That interview was simply wretched. This was his time to shine, but instead he sank deeper into the abyss of shame. I’m not saying that people should forgive him or hate him for his hideous act, but I do know he should work on his interviewing skills. I really wish Brown the best in recovery of his amnesia.

Thanks, Chris, for the best time I ever had on Twitter.

Marlon Williams writes for The Famuan, the Florida A&M University student newspaper, which originally published this article. Article courtesy of the Black College Wire.