and said good bye to “Rock the Boat”

Today marks the 9th anniversary of Aaliyah Dana Haughton’s earthly departure and it leaves some of us still asking why. A triple threat equipped with acting, singing, and dancing talent Aaliyah was our best friend, our sister. We danced with you and rocked your styles even down to the swoop bang over the left eye, boxers, and baggy jeans.

Gone but never forgotten, and never replaced. Aaliyah – We love you.

She changed the sound of R & B working with Timberland and Missy lacing hard beats with her dainty voice. Her influence can still be heard in clubs today, and her memory will live on, RIP Aaliyah.

Happy Birthday to Whitney Houston.  Whitney Houston was born on this day in 1963.  She’s had a lot of ups and downs in her career but the video above is why Whitney will always be Whitney.

Below is one of her more recent cuts, “Million Dollar Bill”.  Check it out:

As much as I’d like to crown Willie L. Roberts’ (“Rick Ross”) epically-produced, feature-flooded mega-opus Teflon Don a certified classic (or 2010’s “Album of the Year”), I simply can’t, and won’t, considering that it’s nothing more than 11 fantasy-coated pieces of extravagant ear candy with no heart, substance or timeless appeal.

Believe me, I wanted to press [OFF] on my ‘elitist hipsterism’ and induct Teflon Don into the Hip-Hop Hall-of-Fame with Illmatic, Reasonable Doubt and Ready To Die (etc.) like every other mind-fcuked Ricky-stan sipping freshly-squeezed titty milk from Ricky’s ink-scribbled D-cups until I realized ‘Ricky Rozay’s’ glamorous delusionism would never let my Teflon Don experience be great, or remotely nostalgic.

See, in Ricky’s beautiful mind, he’s already a living legend whose lyrical magnificence, Def Jam-fueled dominance and glorious sex symbol-status are the only barriers standing between Hip-Hop & a deluxe pine box which certainly explains why Teflon Don failed to feel like anything other than a sensationalized collection of glitzy fairy tales (obviously planted in his subconscious by brilliant ‘Inceptionists’).

Um..yes, ‘glitzy fairy tales’ that only grew more fantastical by the bar to the point of utter hilarity as evidenced on the Earth-rattling banger “B.M.F (Blowin’ Money Fast)” where he thirstily attaches his legacy to notorious criminals Big Meech & Larry Hoover (“I think I’m Big Meech, Larry Hoover/whippin’ work, Hallelujah!”) just moments after immortalizing MC Hammer on the equally colossal “MC  Hammer” (“I’m ridin’ dirty, my d*ck clean/She talk dirty, but her mouth clean/B*tch I’m MC Hammer..I’m about cream!”).

Produced by synthy-symphonic beatmaker Lex Luger (Shawty Redd’s #1 Stan), “B.M.F” & “MC Hammer” sound nearly identical, and were probably packaged together as a “Buy ONE Epic Banger-Get ONE Free” special only available to Ricky if he A) agreed to feature the tracks back-to-back on the album rather than B) replacing “B.M.F” with the stunning “Mafia Music II” or diabolical “Audio Meth.”

Why ‘Rozay’ chose A over B, I’ll never know (or care), but that’s neither here nor there when compared to his tragically-Diddy-bopped Trey+Diddy-collab “No. 1” which definitely should’ve been Track #11 on the oft-delayed Dirty Money album, not Track #7 on the year’s ‘most-anticipated’ album. Dawn & Kaleena *‘Dirty Pocket change’ shrug*

Now, to be fair, Teflon Don is easily Ricky’s best, most complete record to date (if you suspend reality while focusing solely on the production) mainly due to its incredibly-polished soundscapes (Kanye, Clark Kent, No I.D. etc), with the most beautifully-grandiose production provided by the ultra-talented J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League (“Maybach Music III” & “Aston Martin Music”).

And yes, I agree, Ricky’s Teflon Don-flow, enunciation & cadences > ALL Port of Miami+Trilla+Deeper Than Rap everything even though he’s murdered by Hov on the thinly-veiled middle finger to ‘Hov = illuminati’-conspiracists “Free Mason,” Kanye on the soulfully-spasmodic anthem “Live Fast, Die Young” and Hip-POP&B’s Prince Drake on the sleekly-seductive “Aston Martin Music.”

But, then again, I doubt anyone noticed Ricky’s never-ending flurry of anti-quotables (“If she died on my d*ck she would live through my rhymes”) or cared about T.I., Jada & Erykah’s ‘Maybach irrelevance,’ Gucci Mane’s uber-whack “MC Hammer” verse (“I’m MC Hammer…I put dat on my Gran’ma”) (or) Chrisette & Raphael Saadiq’s wasted talents due to the album’s impeccable production quality.

To most (who didn’t cop the new Big Boi, Roots or B.O.B. album), Teflon Don is a gift from the Hip-Hop Gods meant to be banged until Summer turns to Fall but to ‘elitist hipsters,’ like myself (That’s what ‘they’ said) it’s merely just a solid, mildly-epic concept record (with an 08/01/2010 expiration date) that epitomizes ‘style over substance.’

Overall, ‘Ricky Rozay’ deserves credit for making consumers forget that he’s just as fraudulent as Plies building a lucrative brand (despite never having gone platinum) that started decades ago during Slip-N-Slide’s golden era (See: Trina “Told Ya’ll”) but won’t receive anything higher than 2.3/4 Stars from me for an overhyped, overrated, overdebated ‘audio movie experience’ with (again) no heart, substance or timeless appeal.

Saying that this year’s BET Awards (sponsored by Let’s JAM-style control, Cluck-U Chicken, St. Ides malt liquor & Cash4Gold.com) weren’t as epically-fail-smeared as the previous 9 is like crowning Alicia Keys the classiest celebrity homewrecker of our HoSh!t-plagued generation, stamping Year No. 475 of Slavery the ‘Best Slave trade year EVER’ or celebrating Madea Goes To Jail as the least coonish movie of Kang Perry’s coonificent career.

I mean, let’s be real, BET is too damn established (and globally-recognized) to (still) be producing ‘Consolation Prize-worthy Award shows speckled with entertaining bits & pieces of utter hilarity, fcukery & nincompoopery without any substance, meaning or reason to be remembered 2 days, 3 weeks, 4 months or 5 years from now.

However, 68% of my Twitter (Twitter is Alicia Keys to my Swizz Beatz. FB = Mashonda. Sad, I know.) timeline actually praised this year’s bi-polar BETs (which, to me, were neither good nor turrrrrble) as a ‘shockingly good..enjoyable & even excellent show’ which, I guess, makes me a stone-cold ‘hater’ for the following ‘shade-cloaked’ (mini)recap of the ‘Greatest BET Awards of ALL-Timez.’ And no, Kanye won’t be pleased. Press [PLAY].

Now, I don’t hate BET, Queen Stutter-Lipz Debbie Lee or her ‘stepin fetchit’ side-kick Stephen Hill, but I refuse to gush over a 5 ½-hour Awards-a-thon with:

A) (An) Instantly forgettable opener (I luh you Queen..but..no) that put the ‘C’ in cliché.

B) Idiotic production value that reeked of polished last-minute-ness (too much damn smoke here, no nominees video there, uber-whack skits, illegible font on the teleprompter etc).

C) Pointless Awards (NO RiRi. NO Hov. NO Bey. NO GaGa. NO Bieber..and..umm.. Prince put his on the floor) that no one, but BET, seemed to care about.

D) Epic moments (Chris Brown’s incredible Mike Jack tribute) routinely ruined by WTF moments (random tone-deafded singer featured just moments after CB).

But, then again, maybe I’m wrong for focusing on Kanye’s tragically-uninspired comeback performance atop the Guts ‘Agro Crag,’ Drake’s EMO-Hip-POP&B spirit fingers/happy hands, ‘Classic’ Ursh Vs. ‘Has Been’ Ursh’s identity crisis, J. Cole’s ‘blink & you missed it’ performance (Thanks Debbie Lee. O_o), BET’s diabolical plot to make us love El DeBarge again, Em-T.I.-Dirty$-Khaled-B.O.B-Drake-A.Keys’-been there, done that, seen that-performances, Trey Songz being side-eyed by Prince & shamed by Patti and Alicia Keys’ adultery-stained uterine walls that ‘errrrbody  else,’ but me, and a few others, seemed to thoroughly enjoy.

Bleh, it’s cool, I’ll just sit in the corner—while ‘errrbody else’ puts lips to BET’s dimply booty cheeks—and reminisce about the MTV Music Awards’ (Mid-’90s) which, to me, are the rulers by which music-themed Awards shows ought to be measured, and will be, several years from now.

Were the Awards entertaining..at times? Yes. Did I go crazy when CB re-mixed “Remember The Time” and Janelle Monae killed “Let’s Go Crazy” in the name of Prince (Wait, Stevie Wonder actually saw Prince perform? I can’t.)? Absolutely. Umm..but..those were the only memorable moments (yea, and the Love Jones skit) along with the following mental sidenotes I made when trying to make sense of it all, when it was all said & done.

Sidenote #1: Alicia Keys should be: A) forced to rock a bold, italicized & underlined ‘A’ over her baby bump for stealing another woman’s husband-turnt-child support fund who she’s currently knocked up by and engaged to B) court ordered to swallow ear plugs every few days to protect her unborn baby C) warned by child protective services that she can’t do ‘hood rat stuff’ like cootchie-pop on a grand piano while she’s pregnant.

Sidenote #2: I’ll always love Deniece Williams (“Silly of Me”) even though she struggled mightily to hit A NOTE during her [MUTE]-worthy duet with Monica..the pretty stick figure. Nervous? Mmm, I guess, but I doubt there was ever any hope for those cobwebb-covered high notes that (obviously) packed their sh*t & left decades ago with Etta, Minnie & Whitney’s (respectively).

Sidenote #3: May God bless the sweet baby flamingos used to create Debbie May Lee’s (uber-fugly) exotical Awards gown apparatus.

Sidenote #4: I’m almost certain DEEE JAAAYYY Khaled gets fatter every time he says the word: “Win” and looked like he was hiding KFC Double Downs in his pastel colored letterman jacket. Khaled’s man boobettes > Ricky Walrus.

Sidenote #5: The Devil was definitely busy up, down and through every wicked clipper blade used to murk John Legend’s might-don’t-make-it hairline that looked like it had been shaped up by Muhammed Ali that looked like the scene of a cold-blooded hate crime. Missing patches/corners & edges of hairline..while accepting an Award..on National TV? Really?! O_O. Please…call 555-1818 if you have any information regarding the whereabouts of the upper-right corner of John Legend’s ethered hairline.

Finale: Chris Brown’s Redemption

I really don’t give a DAMN if Chris Brown’s ugly cry-face tears were real, fake or a mixture of both. Dude KILLED it, and forced his ex-fans to re-remember why they rocked with him two years ago when R&B rested on his shoulders. Mm, yea..maybe, he’s probably still an emotionally-disturbed little boy with the worst kind bitchAZZNEZZ coursing through his veins but he certainly moonwalked toward redemption with his incredibly-nostalgic, BET Awards-saving performance that may have both defined and saved his now stable career.

“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro. Follow Me: twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8.

(2010) ÷ (2) hasn’t put the C in coonery, R in ratchetness or F in F@%#%y—yet—like ’09, but it’s definitely been a ‘LaMiltonous’ play cousin to the ‘most tragedy-tattered, HATE-smathered, scandal-splattered year, maybe EV-ER.’

So far, this year, Drake DeBarge made EMO-Hip-POP&B cool, ‘Book of Bieber’ > Book of Eli, Tiny, Toya & ’Tasia’s ‘negro dialect’ was Harry Reid-approved, Betty White’s awesomeness earned her eternal life, Ms. Badu’s mighty donk meat scarred white kids for life, Brandy’s lacefront > Chris Brown’s bowtie, Boondocks pushed kids to get up, get out & do ‘hood rat stuff,’ Gilbert was dumb-‘Tiger’ was dumber & ‘Big Ben’ was thee dumbest,VH1’s ‘UNmarried Wives’ > Bravo’s ‘homeless-housewives,’ Keri’s vocal chords finally packed their sh*t & left..with Mo’Nique’s inside voice & Dream’s neck and, yes, BP misused & abused Mother Earth like her name was Kat Stacks. (etc.)

And with that said, I’ll hit [STOP] on the Intro and [START] on the Awards.

Golden O_o Award.

KanyeGate: Taylor Swift’s Incredible Nite…Winning Other People’s Grammy’s.

Well kids, ‘wronged’ white people ALWAYS WIN (See: Sandra Bullock) especially when they’re ‘wronged’ by those who look just like US (See: Elin Woods). Yea OK, Taylor had a hit or two (“Fairytale”) before ‘Kanye The Black-Hearted negro’s’ cold-blooded mic-snatch seen’t ’round the world but she wasn’t one of Barbara Walters’ ‘most fascinating people,’ Time’s ‘100 Most Influential People’ or even a ONE-time Grammy winner until the now legendary KanyeGate.

I mean, let’s be real, Carrie Underwood (who really should be the face of Country/Pop) is to Beyonce as Taylor Swift is to Beyonce’s ashy left pinky toe. Yea, I said it, and feel like the Pop Gawds failed humanity by not pressing [Vocal Chords OFF] during Taylor’s terribly-tone-deafded Grammy’s performance that was later defended by her label. o__O.

Nominees:

Uber-corny Rap break, Niki Scherkerznjzer cameo & J.Bieb/Miley vocals = ‘WATW 25’

Beyonce’s ‘Haiti, I can see your Halo’ (Haiti Telethon RE-interpolation Mix).

Why Did I Get Married Too?’s ENDING: Janet Vs. Captain Crust Lipz (Malik Yoba)

McKEE DEEZ ‘N@#$%Z be shuckin, jivin & RAPPIN’ son’ Ad Campaign.

Kobe Bryant’s ‘Draketrosexual’ photoshoot for Vanity Fair.

‘Wait, Wha?!’ Award

BP’s Gaffe-Machine CEO Tony Hayward Officially Joins ‘Eternal Infamy Club.’:

“I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest.”

(umm, then he said this: “We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their (people affected by disaster) lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back.”)

At this point, I don’t need for my Commander-in-Chief to be calm, respectful and patient while ‘finding out whose ass to kick’ mid-oil spill crisis. NO. I NEED him to go ALL.DEE.WAY.OFF, DAMMIT! ..and breaketh his foot in BP’s azz (Damn an  ‘ass kick’), with Tony Hayward being first in line.

Yea, Obama’s my dude, my role model, my inspiration but this ‘soft, wait-and-see’ shxt is killin’ me. I need more aggression, outbursts and scowls during his press conferences. Dammit, I just need him to start acting like “Crazy Joe Clark” by chaining the White House doors and treating these heartless (BP) bastards like they go to Eastside High School. *slides Obama mama’s old Louie Slugga*

Nominees:

Diddy crowns Ricky ‘The N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S. W.A.L.R.U.S.’ ‘Biggie of the South’

Queen Bee Lil’ Kim/Queen Barbie Nicki Minaj BEEF over UNpaid homage.

Teeny’s (infamous) over-dramatical cell phone conversation with Fantasia.

Drake’s Thank Me Later punchlines.

Ron Artest’s post-Championship-winning shoutouts to his ‘hood’ & ‘Psychiatrist.’

N*gga Moment of the (Half)Year

Gen. Larry Platt Cranks That ‘FREED SLAVE’ on American Idol.

I’ve never questioned who Sweet Baby Jezuz issued ‘15-min. of fame’ cards to until stone-cold-crackhead-coon Larry Platt gloriously ascended into utter COONdom during America’s most popular show American Idol.

There he was, an ex-civil rights activist/War-Vet, slowly erasing his golden legacy like an ’ole azz Ex-FAMU Drum Major trying to prove ‘he’s still got it’ at the Homecoming game. O_O. However, unlike most ’60s-scarred old heads who actually know when to SAT their azz down, brotha Platt didn’t give a DAMN and WENT SMOOV OFF on National TV.

He dipped, sambo-bopped and popped (while sangin’ his ‘numba-wun-sangle’) in ways that would’ve made Rosa Parks politely collect her belongings and move to the back of her bus had she known we’d be stuck on this ‘Stepin Fetchit’ shxt three decades later. *Sleep‘N’Eat slide…and shrug*

Nominees:

*No other nominees were even considered. Carry on.

Fashion WIN

‘Rompers’ aka ‘New-Age Onesies’

There’s nothin’ more chase-worthy than a ‘nerdy quirky sexy’ woman with pretty natural tresses, toes and eyes who effortlessly rocks the trendy ‘new-age Onesies’ known as ‘Rompers.’

‘Rompers’ are easily one of my favorite fashion fads (and I HATE fashion fads) usually worn by cutesy petite/sweetly voluptuous women with brilliant ‘accessorization’ skills & a wildy-creative fashion edge. They’re cool, chic, upgrade-able (or downgrade-able) and often showcase a woman’s best physical features (Niiice). YES ladies, it’s official: ‘Romper’s = Alejandro-approved.

Fashion FAIL

Summer-Ready Feet MINUS pinky toenails *Back by popular demand.

As a part of my ‘Summer Side-Eye Guide,’ I informed ladies worldwide that it was no longer acceptable to showcase Ming Lee’s finest toenail art with missing pinky toenails and recommended ‘Tiny Sized’ Chiclets to replace the decrepit & gone with the fresh & new. (See: Directions below)

Directions:

A) Remove matching toenail-colored Chiclet from package with tweezers. B) Carefully dip Chiclet in ACME super glue/liquid cement. C) Gently slide Chiclet into naked pinky toe nail nub with tweezers. D) Allow Chiclet to rest for 2-4 hours.]

Best Movie

How To Train Your Dragon 3D was the most wonderfully-entertaining film of the year until Toy Story 3D easily made every other movie irrelevant. So, umm, I’ll just call it a tie between the witty toys & Emo-dragons since I really don’t feel like RE-doing the art for this Award. Thanks for understanding.

Nominees:

Iron Man 2

Alice in Wonderland 3D

Date Night

Whackest Movie

Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too? The Preacher’s Kid

I’m sorry—but—I nearly asked for my $1 back (yea, it was $1 theater nite) after suffering through this insanely-nonsensical, poorly-acted, woefully-predictable ‘chuuch folk melodrama’ that made me roll my eyes, suck my teeth and sigh heavily more than I ever have during KANG Perry’s most utterly unbearable flicks.

Trust me, Jezuz was NOT pleased with this epically fail-riddled ‘Tyler Perry tribute’ nor did he ever bless LaToya Luckett & Tank with the ability to ‘act’ as evidenced by their painfully-awful scenes together. O_O.

Nominees:

Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too?

Nightmare on Elm Street 2.0

Get Him To The Greek

Best Album

Janelle Monae The ArchAndroid

Twenty-five years ago, strange made love to weird on Planet X and conceived an incredibly-talented love spawn named Janelle Monae who (recently) dropped one of the most whimsically-brilliant, delightfully-nostalgic albums I’ve ever heard, and can’t stop playing.

The album? ArchAndroid, which innovatively blends Nu-ElectroSoul, Synthy-Funk, Jazzy R&B & ’80s-Pop throughout 18 rewind-worthy tracks (See: “Faster” below). Believe me, this is an instant classic, 2010’s Album of the Year and a MUST-COP for anyone who claims to ‘love’ music or complains that ‘real music’ is dead.

Nominees:

Erykah Badu New Amerykah Part Two (Return of the Ankh)

The Roots How I Got Over

Broken Bells Broken Bells

Dopest Hip-Hop Song

Pac Div “Here We Go”

I haven’t heard a record this emotionally-haunting in a minute. It’s gritty, deeply-introspective and bangs like it was born in ’94. World…Pac Div…Pac Div…World. That is all.

Nominees:

Method Man, Raekwon & Ghostface “Our Dreams”

Lupe Fiasco “I’m Beamin”

The Roots Feat. Phonte, Blu & Patty Cash “The Day”

Dopest R&B/Soul/Pop Song

Janelle Monae “Faster”

THIS.IS.MY.JAM..and should be yours too. Like, rite now!.

Nominees:

Erykah Badu “Gone Baby, Don’t Be Long”

Raheem DeVaughn Feat. Wale “The Greatness”

Will.I.Am Feat. Thugnificent “D*ck Ridin’ Obama”

José James Feat. Jordana De Lovely “Love Conversations”

Whackest Album

Plies Goon Affiliated

On Goon Affiliated gnome-sized skankzoid-magnet Plies boasts that his goons could bring him ‘BEN LADDEN’ (“Whatever I Say”), gushes about his “sweet meat” (“Good D__K”) and tries entirely too hard to brainwash you into adding ‘Bruh Bruh’ to your everyday vocab (“Bruh Bruh”). No, I’m serious, and would love to ask Plies why he continues to release these intellectually-insulting records when he knows that we know he’s nothing like what he pretends to be on his records.

Nominees:

DJ Khaled Victory

Ludacris Battle of the Sexes

Vivian Greene Beautiful

Wrist-Slitter Award

Plies “She Got It Made”

I’d rather…

A) Listen to an A. Keys/Corinne Bailey Rae ‘Greatest Love of All’ power-duet. Acapella.

B) Be forced to drink a glass of freshly squeezed Ricky Walrus tittay-milk.

C) Play Candy Land with Justin Bieber, Lil’ Twist & Jaden Smith.

D) Bathe in Ke$ha’s filth-polluted bath water..with her in the tub..naked.

…than listen to this wretched re-interpolation of an already incredibly-annoying song that didn’t even deserve to be re-interpolated.

Nominees:

Justin Bieber Feat. Ludacris “Baby”

Nicki Minaj Feat. Sean Garrett “Massive Attack”

Drake “Find Your Love”

Finale: TEN Burning Questions? …sponsored by Kat Stacks’ Vaginal Love Tubes

10. Who knew Travis Porter, Travie McCoy & Travis Barker were different people?!

9. Who let Mike Tyson answer the phone during BET/MTV’s ‘Help For Haiti’ telethon?!

7. How is Trey Songz the ‘King of R&B’ when he’s never gone ‘Platinum?!’

6. Why does Jamie Foxx still imitate Ray Charles like he’s promoting Ray 2?

5. Why did Don Cheadle have a ‘Let’s JAM’-slicked temp fade in Iron Man 2?

4. Why did so many ladies label CiCi’s epic HOSh!t in ‘Ride’ as ‘visually creative art?’

3. Why was Sandra Bullock nominated for an NAACP Image Award for ‘Best Actress?’

2. What made Gucci’s crust-bruised lips file a restraining order against chapstick?!

1. How the hell do you steal Tyler Perry’s credit card number and NOT cop extravagant planes, magnificent spaceships/submarines, Scandinavian villas, small islands, rapping Hamsters & orangutans that can sing & dance (like in Jungle Book), iPhone 4G stock & thousands of untraceable gift cards but chose, instead, to buy home goods, groceries, toys and hit the damn movies?! o_O. (See: Quita & ’nem’s KANG Perry-sponsored ‘shopping spree’ HERE: http://straightfromthea.com/2010/05/17/tyler-perrys-stolen-credit-card-charged-over-28000/

“They said I’d be the illest when pigs fly, well that must be true, because look..Swine… FLU.”—U-N-I “Land of the Kings”/Alejandro.

My name is ‘Alejandro’ and I’m a cultural critic/fearless humorist/Hip-Hop expert…in my own creatively-diseased MIND. I’m also the best blogger alive. *serious face* ..Ha, nah, I’m playin. Follow Me: twitter.com/AlejandroDaGr8. Friend Me: AlejandroFord/Facebook. Email Me: dzstrickland@gmail.com. Call me:

By The Left Side Poets featuring Ronald Clark, Terry Odis, Tolani Oyefule and Martin Tucker

Her womb fostered my growth in its infancy
protecting my innocence
she was the first person to love me.
This is that, scaredy-cat ride home
where anguish hacks through my curls
I took that beating like the best of mice
with no hole in the wall to zip up my jaw
I needed you.
My back to the wall she reaches me
talks through cellular frequency
though I’ve never been afraid before, never like this.
No, not like this.
Held me in her arms,
lying down the foundation for my strength
she is the reason I made it to manhood
I just couldn’t disappoint.
Her eyes follow me,
taking in her own doing
she sculpted me in a cloak of her values.
I cry, her voice brings peace to me
my silence ceases, she beckons me
to move forward.
In return I give my word,
that I will stay.
Stay the man that she created
Stay the bold and caring soul
Stay the child with endless passion
with resolve as yet untold.
I needed to
sift through these blessed eskimo kisses
that fit the description of medicinal schism
from yesterday
sandbox amnesia.
She, the kindest complexion
utter peace begets her face.
Even when my world is broken,
and I, strangled in my place.
This mother’s day,
I have the privilege of seeing
four generations of mothers.
The oldest of which, doesn’t speak,
but I’m convinced, that God has hidden his smile behind her eyes
she’s my great-grandmother.
Her daughter, my grandmother,
is the strongest woman I’ve ever met.
I’m convinced that God has dipped her in resilience
because everything life throws at her has been devoured
without her flinching.
She’s eaten cancer for breakfast
a brain tumor for lunch
and bad knees for dinner -
she’s having Satan for a midnight snack.
My sister, at five-feet even
bears the weight of the world on her shoulders
with a baby on her hip
now tell atlas to do that.
I can’t wait to find a woman as strong as you
so I can make her a strong mother too.
Then there’s my mother
who uses her heart and soul as ingredients in all of her meals.
She fills more than just bellies, she mends spirits
I guess that’s why they call it soul food.
I stay on her mind,
as she does on mine
tissue in her hand, hours before a tear drops
she is God’s manifestation of his love.
A woman who shoulders loads Samson wouldn’t try
parts seas of despair with Moses’ rod
her hugs melt away layers of insecurities.
She is always there to listen
although I doubt and may not see,
she is steadfast in her offer
faultless belief in me.
I wanna raise daughters like you
the four of you together are more beautiful than
a month of sunrises that I pray I am able to behold again.
Gracefully entering the different phases of life,
as you age, I return the favor
of your protection,
healing wounds with reciprocation
and yet,
when the call for love is made
and request given for one
I will answer resolutely
Her, a goddess
I, her son.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

The Left Side Poets are a group of poets who met in the Spring of 2008 at Hampton University. It consists of Sophia Buxton, Ronald Clark, Shawnon Corprew, Nikieta Faulkner, S. Velvet Noose, Terry Odis, Tolani Oyefule, Daniel Parrish and Martin Tucker, though there are others who can lay claim to being a Left Sider. For this occasion, the blessed holiday that is Mother’s Day, some of the men in the group came together to put into words their love for their mothers. Hope you enjoy it. And if you do, be on the lookout for their first book, The Left Side Poets Present: Strange Fruit, which drops in the fall.

To thousands, she’s Nicki Minaj—the illest femme-cee ALIVE—but to anti-fadsters, like me, she’s merely just Hip-POP’s Queen of the ALL FAKE EVERYthings—with a sock puppetish ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ flow—who proved that her brain, too, was ‘Made In China’ when she 8-6’d (ex-manager) ‘Ms. Debra’ aka the streets-saluted tastemaker behind criminally-UNtalented Yo Gabba Gabbsters Gucci Peppa Wangz & Waka Flocka Waaaakaaa (son)—to hire infamous career wreckist Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as her official ‘manager.’

..So, with that said, I’ve dredged up FIVE good reasons why Nicki ButterBARS (She SEGGZY..but her ‘rap’ bars?! ..c’mon son) should re-consider hopping in bed with the globally-side-eyed mega-mogul and putting her p@#$y on his sideburns..when Cassie’s asleep who’s never gon’ stop ‘never stopping’ even if it’s, well, what Jesus (…or any other label head with *3 Gold/Platinum albums on their roster since ’04) would do. *POW..Take Dat..Take Dat*

5. Young Money > Dirty Money: Nicki’s About $1…WTF is 2 (Dirty) Cents?!

Nicki’s a freshly-minted dime-piece compared to Diddy’s dirt-crusted pennies & pocket lintettes Dawn & Estelle Kalenna who’d instantly gain 1 ¼ stars standing beside the game’s baddest ‘5-Star’ bish—who’s easily ‘Azz & Titties Barbie’ to their ‘Gawjus Garbage Pale Kid’ & ‘Trendy Treasure Troll’ (respectively)—during their Last Train To Paris promo tour.

As Diddy’s brand new Dirty Money promo play toy, Nicki would no longer be the ‘Sarah Palin of Hip-Hop’ once he siphons her blog-fueled buzz into his own musically-irrevelant career thus proving why she needs a dope management team like ‘Hip-Hop Since 1978’ (Drake, Weezy, Kanye & Jeezy) to capitalize on her ever-growing mainstream popularity.

4. Diddy’s ‘Nicki Management Plan’ = Jay-Z’s ‘Amil Management Plan’

I’m certainly not Dionne Warwick..err, or Miss Cleo, but I’d bet my best Young Money pajamas (…with the footies) that ‘Diddy-managed Nicki’ adds the following ‘power moves’ to her Wiki-page by Month #6:

A) Features on Kiely Williams’ debut & Bran’Nu’s (Brandy) rap debut Bran’Nufrodisiac

B) Small roles in Tyler Perry’s Why Am I STILL Married? & Why Did I Get A Divorce?

C) Endorsement deals from Citi Trendz, Hasbro Kid Sister dolls, Cap’n D’s & Myspace.

D) Severing of ties with ghostwriters Drake & Weezy, and the Young Money crew.

3. Kima, Keisha, Pam…and Nicki?! ..Wait, wha?! ..World: ‘HELL+NO to Total 2.0’

Nicki may not realize this…yet, but she’s already agreed to headline Total 2.0 as the fourth lesbian member of the hood-beloved trio (Pg. 362 of 400, ‘Diddy Management Agreement’) that Diddy plans to re-launch after his Notorious R.I.C.K.Y. W.A.L.R.U.S. project with the next greatest Biggie re-boot not named Guerilla Black..err, or Shyne.

Honestly, I’d rather watch (girl group) Dream play Danity Kane in a celebrity basketball game than Day26 + lacefronts & lip gloss aka Kima, Keisha & Pam ‘shock the world’ with rap’s bargain-bin ’Lil Kim doll who makes them a smidge too relevant for their own VH1 reality show. Sorry..but, Nicki headlining Total 2.0 makes just as much sense as Keri Hilson linking with Adina Howard to re-boot Changing Faces.

2. Barbie Girl In Diddy’s Reality GAME WORLD

Diddy definitely had a fetish for playing childish mind games with fame-thirsty nobodies who did EVERYthing BUT wipe his turd-smeared azz (PAUSE.) with baby wipes during Making The Band (1-?), Making His Band & I Want To Work For Diddy (1-2) which put future ex-Bad Boy staffers on—well, kinda—unlike Nicki, who ‘joined’ the Bad Boy ‘empire’ after selling Diddy her Mattel-stamped soul.

However, you’re nothing in Diddy’s shade-cloaked eyes until you play his ego-punishing games which, in Nicki’s case, is one potentially career-ending challenge destined to either make her a management ‘priority’ or a forgotten commodity, like Janelle Monae:

1) Ether ‘Babs’ (Making The Band 1), ‘Mysterious’ (Making The Band 2) & special contender ‘Keys the Problem’ (World-Famous Nicki Minaj DISS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcAm2Pm15HU&feature=related.) during an MTV-aired freestyle battle for the femme-cee spot on Diddy’s Junior M.A.F.I.A. re-boot (Notorious W.A.L.R.U.S, Diggy Simmons, Jim Jones & Blinky Blink). I’ll call this Making the Band..err, 11.

[But, then again, you & me both know that George W. Bush has a better chance being elected Mayor of New Orleans than Nicki does winning a rap battle against any decent femme-cee other than maybe Sylk-E. Fine, Lumidee or Khia. *Solé shrug*]

1. The Inevitable Biggie/Nicki Minaj Collab= THE END of Hip-Hop.

The day Nicki name-drops Santa’s reindeer (..again), seven dwarfs, ten Care Bears or any other popular collection of make-believe creatures while trading bars with Biggie is the day I’ll beg GAWD to press backspace on humanity. I’m sorry…but I’d rather hear an Aaliyah/Fergie duet or Guru/Soulja Boy collab, than Biggie & ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ rock over endless Diddy ad-libs. *Jim Carrey shrug*

“Bad Boy…we ain’t gon’ stop..I couldn’t stop now if I wanted to. I will never stop” — Diddy.

Never has a MEGA-hyped somewhat-known-UNknown gone from being the dopest unsigned hypester on the globe to the dopiest P.R. FAILure in the Galaxy to a Grammy-winning quadruple threat with ‘Hip-Hop’s fate in his clutches’ until Canada’s great lite-brite hype Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham rocketed into superstardom with the globally-droOled-over ‘mixtalbum’ So Far Gone errrrr, riiiiight before plummeting into epic faildom, when he:

A) performed the ultra-explicit misogyno-smash “Every Girl” (..in a skinty bar stool) for a record-setting BET Awards viewing audience with a Chuck E. Cheese ‘ball crawl’-worth of underaged tweeny-bops on-stage (Drake on BET Awards debacle: “It was just timed very poorly and it definitely wasn’t planned like that”…“To anyone who was offended, my personal apologies; it wasn’t intended to offend anybody”)

B) starred in a skank-juice splattered video for his fcuk-face-inducing femme-anthem “Best I Ever Had” that he later apologized to his female fan base for releasing (Drake on soft-pornish music video debacle: “I guess one thing I didn’t consider is what the song personally means to a lot of women”…“To those women, I apologize. I do apologize. My intention wasn’t to put anyone down. It was to make them laugh. I wanted people to see something visually different.”)

C) crumpled into a pathetic chumpling on-stage during the America’s Most Wanted Tour (Feat. Weezy, Jeezy & Soulja Boy) despite being instructed by Doctors NOT to perform on his shredded ACL (Drake on-stage collapse debacle: “I blacked out and really forgot I was injured. I was just so full of adrenaline, so happy to be there, it kind of set in for me…”)

D) signed his soul over to an insanely-impregnatious Gremlin named Weezy (*Cue: Super Mario Death Ditty*: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHJSZSRSljk) who knighted him as thee, uh, other official face of his criminally-UNtalented Young Money collective consisting of nonsense spewing kiddy bops and a ‘Barbie’-obsessed ButterBARS with the illest femmecee ‘Fire Marshall Bill’ flow ever. *Jim Carrey shrug*

And somehow, these events occurred—back-to-back…to-back—only weeks after the lyrically-dexteritous uber-MC (“I’ma rapper-turnt-singer and you can tell that he smoke/I don’t need no vocal cords/All I hit is C-Notes/N.E.R.D. flow, I spaz if I’m provoked/I’m about to change the F@#$# game/Pass the remote”)/tolerable vocalist ‘melody hummer’ (See: “Say Somethin’”) emerged from the underground as the second-coming of (Golden-Era Hova) + (Pre-Bad Boy Biggie) + (Post-9 bullet-50 (Cent) who, unlike Aubrey, never won a Grammy, moved 200K+ officialized ‘mixtalbums’ (available for FREE online) or secured lucrative endorsement deals (Sprite) pre-debut album.

Dammit, Aubrey ‘Drake’ Graham was Neo (The ONE), Luke Skywalker (The CHOSEN ONE) & Bruce LeRoy (The ONE + ‘The GLOW’) in the punch drunken hearts of mainstream POP fiends who had never heard of the preppy spitsmith or struggled through an episode of the ex-child TV star’s hit show Degrassi until Weezy publicly co-signed him as the NEXT, best..HIM.

..Um, but serious Hip-Hop heads?! ..Yea, we knew ‘Aubrey’—back then, during the golden ‘grustle daze’ and wept the day he dumped Hip-Hop to go steady with POP years after bringing an ‘Obamian’ sense of hope to the diseased genre during his inevitable come-up through Canada’s burgeoning Hip-Hop/Soul scene (See: Kardinall Offishall, Melanie Fiona & Slakah the Beatchild).

However, Aubrey DeBarge Graham was now simply ‘Drake’: Your Favorite Radio Programmer’s rapper’s most side-eyed rapper and yet another sugary radio killa MC with a nauseating Auto-Tune fetish, cringe-worthy ‘super-crew’ (with no purpose other than to hold his diamond-flushed jewels & Blackberry while he performs) and steadily declining anti-Pop following led by the same progressive backpackers who UNfollowed Weezy when “Lollipop” dropped.

BUT, then again, I doubt the mixed boy wonder’s Hip-POP love affair > his undeniable musical intangibles effortlessly displayed throughout his classic pre-deal mixtapes Comeback Season & Room For Improvement when his collabs with Little Brother & Elzhi “Don’t You Have A Man”/“Think Good Thoughts,” Slakah “Share” and Dwele “Deceiving” convinced me, along with countless others, that Drake was, indeed, IT.

So, now—finally—in 2010, the lyrical rapper formerly known as ‘Wheelchair Jimmy’ is poised to convert every doubter standing between him and his platinum plaque to a believer with one of the most anticipated Hip-Hop albums—maybe, ever—on the strenf of his wildly-ambitious/obsessively-scrutinized lead single “Over” which brilliantly infuses the BEST of ‘underground Aubrey’ with the absolute WORST of ‘Drizzy F. Baby’ in a way that no devoted fan/Draketheist © probably envisioned.

To me, “Over” bangs..but to you, it may..umm..NOT..but come [INSERT OFFICIAL Thank Me Later Release Date HERE (June 15?)] 2010, we’ll ALL (officially) know where Drake stands as a ‘Top-3’ candidate to one day rock the coveted Hip-Hop crown once co-worn by Big, Pac..and now *Hov (debatable)..hmm, honestly, only Drake knows and remember, he’s ‘just not anybody’…or is he?! ..Clock’s ticking.

Suffice it to say, the Akoo Clothing billboard in Newark, New Jersey, has ticked off more than a few people. After witnessing what has transpired over the past few days it might seem suitable to call this whole fiasco a gimmick. Keep in mind, however, that this is the fashion industry, and whether Black, White, tan or blue, what many may perceive as risque or over the top, fashion marketers simply see as good advertising. Forget the jeans, the girl, or the allegedly implied fellatio; Akoo was a virtually unheard of brand.

Without countless celebrity plugs from the likes of Clifford Harris (aka T.I.), pricey TV ads, or senseless promotions, Akoo accomplished in three days (thanks to media giants like CNN, ABC, and NBC) what some companies only hope to accomplish in a year.  Not only did the media frenzy generate awareness of the Akoo brand by creating a dialogue, Akoo pulled more than 300 posts on the net, and in the process expanded their advertising reach and possibly their demographic.

At the end of the day, what’s in “good taste” is always subjective, and everyone is entitled to their personal opinion. Including a 26-year-old, full-time communications major in her senior year at Olgethorpe University.  A southern gal straight from Hattiesburg, Dawn Montgomery also happens to be the model in Akoo’s controversial billboard. After all the fire and flames, blog commentary, and outrage, ESSENCE.com got the exclusive from Montgomery herself. We wanted to know why she thinks the ad may have been hard for people to swallow, and moreover, why she isn’t taking any of the scrutiny personally.

ESSENCE: Go back to the day of the shoot, what was Akoo’s concept?
MONTGOMERY: They wanted to do something that was sexy, urban, but could cross over into mainstream. Something that could easily be seen in Calvin Klein, Dolce and Gabbana, Diesel, or Abercrombie and Fitch.

ESSENCE: That being said, what direction were you given?
MONTGOMERY: They had a visual wall, and the shoot included me and two other young ladies, who were all told which scenes we would shoot. The scene they had prepared for me, (the billboard shot) was an image they were attempting to emulate from Calvin Klein. The photographer, along with Akoo, asked me how I felt and if I was comfortable in capturing that image. I felt that there was a better way to capture the image, knowing the urban circuit would take this totally left field, and insinuate more immediately. So I proposed instead to do my take on the image, and if they didn’t like it we could talk about doing something different.

ESSENCE: Obviously they did like your take on the original image, but describe the Calvin Klein image they attempted to emulate?
MONTGOMERY: It was a young lady who was on her knees–and, for the record, I was actually sitting on the floor, not on my knees–the model was facing his private area and pulling him towards her. Which is different than what you see on the billboard, although I still have my hands on his pants in a suggestive way, but my face is towards the camera, more laying on his leg. 

ESSENCE: Playing such a major role in the shoot, do you think the way feel people about the sexuality of the ad is justified?
MONTGOMERY: They are overreacting. What people fail to realize is if you do your research on this industry, fashion campaigns in mainstream America often feature both men and women naked. Fashion usually is the place to showcase raunchier imagery. However, when it comes to urban modeling, you rarely see a clothing line take you to that level. That’s what Akoo was trying to do.

ESSENCE: Public backlash is one thing, but has there been personal backlash?
MONTGOMERY: I had already called and reached out all my family about it beforehand.  My mother was caught off-guard when her co-workers told her about the image, after hearing the ad was on CNN. Of course, initially she wasn’t for it, but she, like the rest of my family, respects the decisions I have to make day-to-day as a model, and supports them. My whole family knows, including my four-year-old son, who has seen the image.

ESSENCE: Wait, so as a mother you wouldn’t feel upset driving down the street unable to control the imagery your child sees?
MONTGOMERY: I feel it’s my parental duty to explain certain images to my child. At his age, my son can’t necessarily comprehend the concept behind the image, but the first thing he said to me when he saw it is, ‘Mommy, you’re on that man’s leg, and you don’t know that man.’ That’s what came out of his mouth. As a model and a mother I put him first when I make my decisions. After I make my decisions, just like this shoot, I stand by it. When he gets older he may or not have to defend his mother, but he will be equipped.

ESSENCE: It’s easy to imagine what the ad alludes to. Do you feel like people have a valid argument about it being too suggestive?
MONTGOMERY: I don’t think it’s too suggestive, but I realize people do have a small argument. However, not big enough to be on CNN. I already was prepared for the all the blogs being an urban model, but CNN? For me, it was shocking to see something I was a part of get such an overwhelming response to where even the mayor of Newark is commenting. At the end of the day, the real argument is mainstream modeling vs. urban modeling.

ESSENCE: The real argument might be why he has his hand on the back of your head. How did that happen?
MONTGOMERY: That was the first thing my mother commented on, and I do think it is suggestive. The hand on the head took it to the edge, but when you look at models in Calvin Klein having threesomes, I had to say, ‘Mom this is the industry and I know how far I would take it. I was posing on his leg, he had a free hand and placed it where he didn’t have to cover my face.’ The big thing was to capture the moment.

ESSENCE: Miss Thing! Your shoulder wasn’t free?
MONTGOMERY: Yeah, he could have put his hand on my shoulder, but I was focused on the look I was giving the camera and what look I was giving to sell the jeans, I probably blocked out everything else going on around me.

ESSENCE: Back to mainstream vs. urban modeling. Do you feel race plays a part in this issue?
MONTGOMERY: I can’t deny it. I do see it, but I would hate to pull the race card.

ESSENCE: Would you do it again?
MONTGOMERY: I would. As a model you have to take that chance, and as my full-time job, I take it seriously, helping the client to market their product.

ESSENCE: In the end, was all this necessary to sell the jeans?
MONTGOMERY: Akoo’s marketing was genius. I’ve been approached by four or five guys who already purchased a pair.  Akoo wanted to take their campaign a different route and push some buttons, but not break down America. They accomplished want they wanted 200%–they have woken up urban America and let them know they are here.

Read more: http://www.essence.com/news/hot_topics_4/akoo_model_dawn_montgomery.php#ixzz0h8TSrYaU

Trey Songz is a busy man. At 26, he just began the nationwide BP3 Tour 2010 opening for Jay-Z, his third album “Ready” was just certified Goldexceeding sales of 500,000, and he just participated in the remake of the classic “We Are The World” benefiting Haitian earthquake relief. During a break on his touring schedule in Dallas, Songz chatted with ESSENCE.com about the messages in his music, what it’s like to work with superstars like Jay, Stevie Wonder and Barbra Streisand, and why he’s excited about performing at the ESSENCE Music Festival.
ESSENCE.com: Congratulations on going Gold, how do you feel about that?
SONGZ: I am proud. It’s an achievement to say the least. It’s my third album and it’s the first one to go Gold. But I don’t want to be stuck in that moment, I want to make sure that I strive to do whatever is next. I am excited that the album is doing very well, you know, but I’m chasing Platinum now.

ESSENCE.com: I hear that for sure, so talk to me about your music. It really resonates in the clubs and particularly with the ladies.
SONGZ: Musically, I want to make good music that people can feel. Music sets a tone like a soundtrack for your life. And, with the music I make, I know that I am making you laugh, making you feel sexy, making you wanna dance, make you wanna make love, whatever it is. I am trying to make good music that people can feel and people can relate to. The ladies just happen to relate to it a little more, and I appreciate that.

ESSENCE.com: At the BET Honors you got to perform with Stevie Wonder and sing “That Girl.” What was it like for you to perform with Stevie?
SONGZ: That was like a highlight of my career right there. That’s Stevie Wonder, he is beyond a legend in my eyes. He is iconic, he was playing drums for Motown 50 years ago, before he got any credit. I know a lot about Stevie, I studied his music. Being able to do that means that I am at a certain place in my career where I can stand next to those people and have conversations with them and be respected by them. As a man, that’s a beautiful feeling. As an artist, it’s even more fulfilling.

ESSENCE.com: What were you guys joking about onstage?
SONGZ: I said, “Stevie, I got this song, I wanted to know if you wanted to play around with it while we’re on stage.” And, I started singing the melody and he was like, “I know that song, ‘I Invented Sex.’ He was like, I invented sexy, I got seven kids, I’m trying to start a basketball team.” So we were just joking around about that on stage. I had the time of my life up there.

ESSENCE.com: Being on tour with Jay, what’s that like?
SONGZ: Jay-Z is one of the biggest touring acts in the world, he sells out arenas in minutes and to be a part of that is amazing. Furthermore, Jay-Z is one of the most influential artists in my career as well as in my life. You know, seeing him go from artist to entrepreneur to businessman to multi-business owner, and to be that close to him is amazing. It’s a pleasure. I go on right before Jay-Z, and Jeezy comes in within his set. So it’s an honor that he would want me in that spot, so I am happy to be a part of it. And, I am here to step up to the plate and bring the best show I can to the table.

ESSENCE.com: You were involved in “We Are The World.” What was it like for you to be a part of that remake and to be in the room with all those artists at one time?
SONGZ: Once again, it’s very fulfilling as an artist, you know, as someone who saw this as a dream only a few years ago.  “We Are The World” was one of the biggest songs in the world. And, although I didn’t get a solo, it was really not about that. It was about playing that song, knowing that song, and knowing that I was a part of it. I was two rows back from Barbra Streisand, with Natalie Cole standing next to me. You know, in the same room with Lil’ Wayne and Snoop Dogg. I think what’s most beautiful about that was that it was different cultures together and everybody gathered for the same purpose. Egos were left at the door. It just shows, again, that I am at a certain point in my career, and the respect level is going up. I am very humble and happy to be a part of all the things that I am a part of.

ESSENCE.com: You are performing at the ESSENCE Music Festival this year. It’s your first time. Have you heard about it?
SONGZ: Of course, it’s an excellent celebration and I’ve seen the press releases on it, I have friends who’ve been involved in it and I know how big it is for Black culture, so to be a part of it is definitely a treat.

Read more: http://www.essence.com/entertainment/music/essence_music_festival_talent_announceme_4.php#ixzz0gTlRM2IG