Now to be clear, ME = Mary Mary FAN who actually copped Thankful and Mary Mary featuring the smashes “Shackles” and “Heaven” (…and “The Real Party”) when the uber-talented twosome masterfully bridged the gap between the club and the pulpit with POP-glossed gospel records (…without crossing THE LINE) that were embraced by both the tambourine-tapping traditionalists and dressed-down new-agers of the Church.

However, after experiencing mega-crossover success as the gorgeous new faces of contemporary gospel music, the Christ-kissed chanteuses slithered out of their wholesome ‘Church Girl’ images into matching bustiers before re-launching themselves into the mainstream as EX-Jesus groupies desperately seeking worldly recognition (…and the almighty secular dollar) with their fifth studio release The Sound.

But then again, who am I to GO IN on the Grammy-winning, platinum-selling publicity-fiends who feature the chest-thumping bar spitter David Banner — whose best known for his smut-soaked club anthem “Play” … *Cue The Hook* … “Cum girl, I’m tryna get your p*ssy wet…” *PAUSE* — on their dreadful (T.I. & Rihanna) “Live Your Life” rip-off “Super Friend” and foolishly sprinkle their heavily Auto-Tuned, 808-riddled club bangers like “God In Me” with just enough ‘Jesuses’ here and ‘I heart Gods’ there to certify them as a gospel group?!’

…Well, to be honest, I’m nothing more than a reality-bitten bloggist ballsy enough to publicly denounce Mary Mary’s ME-first, God-second approach to gospel music and expose the genre bending sex symbols for what they really are: A Holier Than Thou Changing Faces re-boot specializing in R&B head-nodders with a Christian/Inspirational twist.

Face it, “God In Me” is “Buy You A Drank” + “Blame It” splashed with Holy Water and certainly doesn’t uplift God or minister to any of these church-ditching Hip-Hoppers devoid of any tangible relationship with God while having everything to do with spiritually conflicted artists looking to stay relevant (relevant = cater to skinny jeans-rockers, club boppers and trendy album coppers) in a recession-ravaged recording industry.

…Don’t agree?! … then I suggest you cut the T-Painish trunk rattler’s bass down and listen closely to its message that encourages the flaunting of possessions to others as a way to convey that it’s not just you, but the God in you that allows you to posses these material things…

…Err, and YES, that would be a form of ‘prosperity’ teaching (Prosperity Teaching = Pastor: ‘Look at what I have … you can have it too if you accept God into your life … and tithe regularly) usually reserved for mega-church Pastors (…like the Creflo Dollars or Bishop Eddie Longs) and NOT secularized gospel anthems.

Seriously people, instead of wasting your lives away condemning this blog because I questioned your favorite gospel duo’s *Gospel Card* holder’s status, I highly recommend you stop two-stepping to the “God In Me” (Right Hand of Fellowship Remix) during Sunday service and understand that you’re being spiritually bamboozled by wanna-be starlets who obviously care more about adding zeros to their bank account balances than making quality gospel music.

Believe me, if Erica and Tina were really as ‘genuine’ as their legions of defendists claim they are then they never would’ve pretended to be Destiny’s Child by demanding more food (…along with a Bible-thick pamphlet of outrageous requests) than Jesus served the Disciples during ALL of the suppers combined from my alma mater’s radio station in exchange for a Homecoming performance and a few interviews. (Hampton U. to Mary Mary = Stay Home).

…And if that’s ‘acceptable’ for gospel artists, then I suppose Tina’s ultra-tight liquid leggings that she rocked during the duo’s nationally televised BET Awards performance were Jesus-approved along with their LL Cool J collab “We’re Gonna Make It” and the contribution of their vintage hip-twister “The Sound” to the Cadillac Records Soundtrack.

…Pssh, at this point, I’m willing to bet ANY gospel enthusiast a tithe envelope stuffed with freshly minted ‘Geoffrey Dollars’ that the Heavens frown on Mary Mary’s brand of Hip-Pop-infused gospel and I truly believe that their music confuses struggling Christians by blurring the lines between the gospel and secular worlds while also dividing the church.

(‘Half of the church’ = Understand that gospel can be packaged in any musical form; “God In Me”/“Get Up” are wonderful ways to minister to the youth who aren’t regularly exposed to traditional gospel Vs. ‘The Other Half’ = We’re dressing, acting and speaking like the world yet still professing our love for Christ. We’re supposed to stand out not blend in… Either you’re on Team Christ or you’re not …)

*And, uh, I’m no Pastor but the following scriptures support ‘The Other Half’s point: A) James 1:8 = “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways” B) Revelation 3:15 = “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!”*

To me, Erica and Tina (…along with Erica’s husband/Talented beatmaker Warryn Campbell = Kanye’s “We Major/Homecoming” …Snoop “Ups & Downs” …Mos Def “Sex, Love & Money) sold their souls with The Sound, which to date, is their lowest selling album (The Sound = 287K records sold) and crossed the (gospel) LINE that even Kirk Franklin managed to respect as a fellow platinum-selling ‘Holy-Hip-Hoppist.’

Even though Kirk jiggled and jammed through the pues during his boundary-pushing days as the face of “The Family”/“God’s Property,” his music was still ‘churchy,’ contained three-part harmonies and was always an uptempo favorite in every Church I’ve ever visited.

But don’t get it twisted, this is not a personal attack on Mary Mary or any other artists (Me = Canton Jones FAN) currently incorporating Hip-Hop into their gospel music, but rather me being honest (…and fair) about the duo’s blatant attempt to reach a broader audience by ‘doing as the sinners do’ while continuing to market their music as ‘Contemporary Gospel.’

At the end of the day, if strippers can pop to it, clubbers can grind to it and the church band can barely crank out a decipherable version of it on Sundays, then it’s probably NOT a gospel record. In fact, the only Mary Mary jam that I’ve ever heard choirs sing consistently is “Shackles” and that was their first and biggest smash.

Think about it, there’s a reason why “God In Me” is played more on Urban/Adult Contemporary radio than gospel stations and smashed between Drake’s “Best I Ever Had,” the “Stanky Leg” and Young Money’s “Every Girl” all day, every day. If you like the banger, rock to it, but don’t be naïve and add it to your ‘gospel mix’ or attempt to convince people like me to look past the Auto-Tune/bass-heavy synth-claps and embrace the message because, at that point, it won’t be about the “God In Me” but rather the “Fool In You.”

This has been another Alejandro presentation.

“For those of you that think gospel music has gone too far; You think we’ve gotten too radical with our message; Well I got news for ya’… You ain’t heard nothin’ yet… And if you don’t know, now ya’ know … Glory Glory! — Kirk Franklin, ’97

2009.

2005. Wholesome…

2002. Wholesomer…

Debut Album. Wholesomest…

…And back to the future.

… Yessss… rock those hips … for the Lord …

… Throw ya handssss up!

…When I say Holy … you say Ghost!

Liquid Leggings = Jesus approved?! …

Couldn’t forget about David Banner …

Uh …

Contemporary Gospel 2009 … Canton is my dude…but this album cover embodies everything that’s WRONG with Hip-Hop …

.. Hmm

Popular Holy-Hip-Hoppist …

… Err, Kellz

… how about Bleek …

… by now, I’m sure you get the ‘point’

Holy-Hip-Hoppist Viktory

T.I.

Familiar? … I mean, I’m just sayin’ …

… Tonex ‘gospel innovator’

… You already know …

Has gospel gone too far? … You be the judge …

So here we are AGAIN, pretending to be mentally-vexed, uber-perplexed and negatively-hexed after indulging in the seemingly never-ending Shuck-N-Jive Jubilee (…with a slight Mike Jack twist) that was last night’s wretchedly produced, directed and executed ’09 BET Awards…

Err, and YES, it was Soul Plane Part Deux-whack and yet another epic fail & ¾ by Queen Coon Koopa aka Der’tie Debbie May Lee, Stevie ‘My’s Tap Shooes Shiny Suh’ Hill and the rest of the niggerish Coon-Bots at BET who eagerly presented the sambolicious Awards spectacle on the one night when the entire galaxy tuned in to watch the first live action tribute to the legendary Michael Jackson — the greatest entertainer of our time — who tragically passed away earlier this week …

I did it since B.E.T. wouldn't....

But then again, I’m just a cold-blooded BET boycottist who refuses to side with bias bloggers, first-time blog writers and bitchASS BET loyalists/apologists who gave BET a *golden pass* due to the network’s lack of ‘time’ to somehow stitch together a basic video tribute, rousing dance number with Omarion/Breezy/Ursh and heartfelt ballad medly by Jaz Sullivan/Jennifer Hudson or Mariah Carey …I mean DAYUM, how difficult would this have been and why the F@#$ are random niglets creating excuses, rationalizations and lengthy explanations on behalf of BET?!? … Face it, this was our opportunity as African-Americans to pay tribute to q uite possibly the greatest entertainer EVER and we blew it!

And with that said, I now present you with the OFFICIAL Post-BET Awards ’09 Mini-Blog without any additives, preservatives or any of that other store-bought shyt … Just raw & uncut Alejandro… let’s get to it.

Jeremih & A Two-Pack of Slut Sacks
Either this Trey Songz reboot’s mother used to read a Bible with missing letters or his label advised him to drop the ‘A’ for a cutting-age take on the popular Biblical name… Either way, I refuse to utter this retarded azz name in public and have no idea how this dude secured a record deal. Yea, dude has a decent voice, but he’s too much of what’s wrong with R&B today which is why his two super-slutty skeet receptacles aka dancers stole ‘his’ show by splattering their fallopian tube and uteral juices all over the dance floor while contorting their wobbly azz cheeks to the ‘Birthday Sex’ beat … Uh, and the Award show hadn’t even officially started yet …

Faaaaat Mikeeeeee In A Litttttle Vesssssst
I hate to label the most tolerable member of Day26 as ‘obese’ ‘chunky’ or claim that the group’s stylist places special ‘husky’ orders just for him, but Big Mike barely fit into his slowly dying vest during the Awards and seemed to have gained every pre-MTB pound back that he was forced to lose just to make the band … In fact, he was one cholesterolic enzyme away from launching his ill-fitted vest toward the head of an unsuspecting seat-filler in the crowd … Dayum, and his skinny jeans fit like Pee Wee Herman pants … seriously Diddy, it’s time to step in …

Estelle’s Facial Gifts That Keep on Giving … and Giving
I absolutely love Estelle’s music and her quirky demeanor, but I despise her fashion sense and constantly find myself wondering when her face and teeth will stop growing.

It’s Kerrrrri Baaaaby … Uh, And?!?

Whatever feelings you may have had about Keri Hilson before the Awards probably changed after her dreadful, H.S. Talent Show style performance that ended with a dead-on-arrival MJ tribute by the vocal-chord-less ‘singer’ who shriekled, squawkled, cackled and yodeled into the mic without a heavy bass-line to cloak her less than nonexistent singing ability…Yea, she’s gorgeous (…even though she’s built like Mowgli from “The Jungle Book”) and blessed with a platinum pen, but she crumbled in front of our eyes and allowed her arch-nemesis Beyonce — who was sitting in the front row — to have the last laugh … *Point* Beyonce …

Ciara … *Ahem* Sings E2 And The Song Wasn’t Uptempo
It’s well-known that the pole scrubbing poptart formerly known as Ciara is the weakest vocalist in all of POP/R&B, which is probably why the F#@%-heads at BET asked her to belt out one of MJ’s most famous ballads in ‘Heal The World’ … Nope, not ‘P.Y.T.’ or ‘Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough’ … not even ‘Beat It’ … but ‘Heal … The Got’ Dayum World’ — a song that actually means something to millions of people in hundreds of countries … and instead of thinking this decision through or extending an invitation to REAL-LIFE singers (J Sulli… J. Hud… or Chrisette Michele anyone?!) to perform — they allowed her to embarrass herself, her family and the entire MJ estate with her off-key, Kermit-The-Froggy rendition of the timeless smash that probably re-opened many of the wounds that MJ may have healed during his 50 years on earth… God help you Ciara…

Beyonce Takes Us Unnnnndeeeeer Theeeee Seaaaaaaa … And Then To Heaven

…And people wonder why I go so damn hard on this fake azz decepticon known as Beyonce Knowles, who opted to promote her own shyt by singing the hundred + plus year old concerto piece “Ave Maria” as if she recently wrote it instead of performing a song from the classic MJ catalogue20during a tribute show dedicated to HIS MEMORY… And NO, I refuse to give this woman a *Pass* because she knew what the F@$# she was doing and is clearly nothing more than a self-absorbed label puppet devoid of any true emotions or humanistic feelings … I mean seriously, who rocks an over-sized Alice in Wonderland ballerina apparatus with a camel toe compartment and pretends to be some sort of heavenly deity during someone else’s tribute show?!? … Please Bey, you lose … and you looked like Gaia from “Captain Planet” on stage and Ariel from “The Little Mermaid” on the red carpet … Get your life right Bey …

...and now with our powers combined....

And before I leave you, here are a few last minute remarks:

A)    I really hope that ‘Tiny’ gets a facial transplant and takes speech lessons.
B)    I love Mary Mary, but liquid tights and Gospel music just don’t go together.
C)    Does Jaz Sulli care more about her Cotton commercials than her music career?!
D)    How old is Baby … really?!?
E)    I’m sure Tyra’s Victorian era top looked better during the Victorian Era.
F)    Dayum T.I., ‘Tiny’ musta had that … *PAUSE*
G)    Ne-Yo … Hat On > Hat Off … By a landslide.
H)    Once again, I’d like to applaud the ‘Bleep Dude/Chick’ … *Standing Ovation*
I)    Did ‘Clef really tell the world that he used to live in a hut?!
J)    Who shreds their ACL right before signing a mega-record deal?! …damn Canadians …
K)    Funny how a stylish white chick made Kanye happy again …
L)    R.I.P Mike Jack!

Jamie ripped the opening

Scottie should have beamed her azz out of the bathroom

Should've stayed in the 1770s....

Doooooo it....Doooooo it....its for the best...

Like I said, is Alicia off her Proactive or is that a Swizzy love juice bump on her nose?!

I swear it's a thousand degrees outside ...

I just hope she breaks down and hires a stylist ... and her face stops growing ...

Hov killed it ... but still should've performed 'Izzo'

It's like he never left....

... I was lost at this point ... and was waiting on the little girls to do the 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' hand movements ...

Classic Movement...R.I.P. MJ.

This has been another Alejandro presentation.
“If I don’t like it, I don’t like it… that don’t mean that I’m hatin’”