So here we are AGAIN, pretending to be mentally-vexed, uber-perplexed and negatively-hexed after indulging in the seemingly never-ending Shuck-N-Jive Jubilee (…with a slight Mike Jack twist) that was last night’s wretchedly produced, directed and executed ’09 BET Awards…

Err, and YES, it was Soul Plane Part Deux-whack and yet another epic fail & ¾ by Queen Coon Koopa aka Der’tie Debbie May Lee, Stevie ‘My’s Tap Shooes Shiny Suh’ Hill and the rest of the niggerish Coon-Bots at BET who eagerly presented the sambolicious Awards spectacle on the one night when the entire galaxy tuned in to watch the first live action tribute to the legendary Michael Jackson — the greatest entertainer of our time — who tragically passed away earlier this week …

I did it since B.E.T. wouldn't....

But then again, I’m just a cold-blooded BET boycottist who refuses to side with bias bloggers, first-time blog writers and bitchASS BET loyalists/apologists who gave BET a *golden pass* due to the network’s lack of ‘time’ to somehow stitch together a basic video tribute, rousing dance number with Omarion/Breezy/Ursh and heartfelt ballad medly by Jaz Sullivan/Jennifer Hudson or Mariah Carey …I mean DAYUM, how difficult would this have been and why the F@#$ are random niglets creating excuses, rationalizations and lengthy explanations on behalf of BET?!? … Face it, this was our opportunity as African-Americans to pay tribute to q uite possibly the greatest entertainer EVER and we blew it!

And with that said, I now present you with the OFFICIAL Post-BET Awards ’09 Mini-Blog without any additives, preservatives or any of that other store-bought shyt … Just raw & uncut Alejandro… let’s get to it.

Jeremih & A Two-Pack of Slut Sacks
Either this Trey Songz reboot’s mother used to read a Bible with missing letters or his label advised him to drop the ‘A’ for a cutting-age take on the popular Biblical name… Either way, I refuse to utter this retarded azz name in public and have no idea how this dude secured a record deal. Yea, dude has a decent voice, but he’s too much of what’s wrong with R&B today which is why his two super-slutty skeet receptacles aka dancers stole ‘his’ show by splattering their fallopian tube and uteral juices all over the dance floor while contorting their wobbly azz cheeks to the ‘Birthday Sex’ beat … Uh, and the Award show hadn’t even officially started yet …

Faaaaat Mikeeeeee In A Litttttle Vesssssst
I hate to label the most tolerable member of Day26 as ‘obese’ ‘chunky’ or claim that the group’s stylist places special ‘husky’ orders just for him, but Big Mike barely fit into his slowly dying vest during the Awards and seemed to have gained every pre-MTB pound back that he was forced to lose just to make the band … In fact, he was one cholesterolic enzyme away from launching his ill-fitted vest toward the head of an unsuspecting seat-filler in the crowd … Dayum, and his skinny jeans fit like Pee Wee Herman pants … seriously Diddy, it’s time to step in …

Estelle’s Facial Gifts That Keep on Giving … and Giving
I absolutely love Estelle’s music and her quirky demeanor, but I despise her fashion sense and constantly find myself wondering when her face and teeth will stop growing.

It’s Kerrrrri Baaaaby … Uh, And?!?

Whatever feelings you may have had about Keri Hilson before the Awards probably changed after her dreadful, H.S. Talent Show style performance that ended with a dead-on-arrival MJ tribute by the vocal-chord-less ‘singer’ who shriekled, squawkled, cackled and yodeled into the mic without a heavy bass-line to cloak her less than nonexistent singing ability…Yea, she’s gorgeous (…even though she’s built like Mowgli from “The Jungle Book”) and blessed with a platinum pen, but she crumbled in front of our eyes and allowed her arch-nemesis Beyonce — who was sitting in the front row — to have the last laugh … *Point* Beyonce …

Ciara … *Ahem* Sings E2 And The Song Wasn’t Uptempo
It’s well-known that the pole scrubbing poptart formerly known as Ciara is the weakest vocalist in all of POP/R&B, which is probably why the F#@%-heads at BET asked her to belt out one of MJ’s most famous ballads in ‘Heal The World’ … Nope, not ‘P.Y.T.’ or ‘Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough’ … not even ‘Beat It’ … but ‘Heal … The Got’ Dayum World’ — a song that actually means something to millions of people in hundreds of countries … and instead of thinking this decision through or extending an invitation to REAL-LIFE singers (J Sulli… J. Hud… or Chrisette Michele anyone?!) to perform — they allowed her to embarrass herself, her family and the entire MJ estate with her off-key, Kermit-The-Froggy rendition of the timeless smash that probably re-opened many of the wounds that MJ may have healed during his 50 years on earth… God help you Ciara…

Beyonce Takes Us Unnnnndeeeeer Theeeee Seaaaaaaa … And Then To Heaven

…And people wonder why I go so damn hard on this fake azz decepticon known as Beyonce Knowles, who opted to promote her own shyt by singing the hundred + plus year old concerto piece “Ave Maria” as if she recently wrote it instead of performing a song from the classic MJ catalogue20during a tribute show dedicated to HIS MEMORY… And NO, I refuse to give this woman a *Pass* because she knew what the F@$# she was doing and is clearly nothing more than a self-absorbed label puppet devoid of any true emotions or humanistic feelings … I mean seriously, who rocks an over-sized Alice in Wonderland ballerina apparatus with a camel toe compartment and pretends to be some sort of heavenly deity during someone else’s tribute show?!? … Please Bey, you lose … and you looked like Gaia from “Captain Planet” on stage and Ariel from “The Little Mermaid” on the red carpet … Get your life right Bey …

...and now with our powers combined....

And before I leave you, here are a few last minute remarks:

A)    I really hope that ‘Tiny’ gets a facial transplant and takes speech lessons.
B)    I love Mary Mary, but liquid tights and Gospel music just don’t go together.
C)    Does Jaz Sulli care more about her Cotton commercials than her music career?!
D)    How old is Baby … really?!?
E)    I’m sure Tyra’s Victorian era top looked better during the Victorian Era.
F)    Dayum T.I., ‘Tiny’ musta had that … *PAUSE*
G)    Ne-Yo … Hat On > Hat Off … By a landslide.
H)    Once again, I’d like to applaud the ‘Bleep Dude/Chick’ … *Standing Ovation*
I)    Did ‘Clef really tell the world that he used to live in a hut?!
J)    Who shreds their ACL right before signing a mega-record deal?! …damn Canadians …
K)    Funny how a stylish white chick made Kanye happy again …
L)    R.I.P Mike Jack!

Jamie ripped the opening

Scottie should have beamed her azz out of the bathroom

Should've stayed in the 1770s....

Doooooo it....Doooooo it....its for the best...

Like I said, is Alicia off her Proactive or is that a Swizzy love juice bump on her nose?!

I swear it's a thousand degrees outside ...

I just hope she breaks down and hires a stylist ... and her face stops growing ...

Hov killed it ... but still should've performed 'Izzo'

It's like he never left....

... I was lost at this point ... and was waiting on the little girls to do the 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' hand movements ...

Classic Movement...R.I.P. MJ.

This has been another Alejandro presentation.
“If I don’t like it, I don’t like it… that don’t mean that I’m hatin’”